For The Man I Love The Most

See You vs Bye

See You...
Bye!

Those two words are normally use when we are parting from the person we're talking to. Some may not care about which phrase that they use but for me. It means alot.

I don't like the sound of "Bye" because it seems like we're never gonna meet again. I prefer to say "see you" as that indicates that there might be a chance someday, somehow... me and that person will meet again.

I used to say that when I was with Ian. I asked him not to use the word "Bye" to me because I don't want to hear him sounded like he would leave me (which he actually did despite of the phrase). Until the case when he went back to Tia and I asked him if it's still a "see you" or a "bye" and he said "see you" which appears to be bullshit.

Well basically... Like I said in my previous post, Ian change me. Some are bad. Some are good. I don't know which category this one falls into but I always say "bye" now. The reason behind it? I just want to be real. No stupid promises. Just a firm farewell. IF I see that person again, well... hello! If I don't, at least I said it clear and firm. BYE.

I know it may sound weird or stupid or non sense or whatever you wanna call it. It's just how I look at it. And somehow the guy that I'm seeing... He always say "talk to you soon" but I always reply with "bye". I notice this fact long ago but never manage to change my habit. I prefer to be me afterall. I'll still say "bye". But I really hope I'll see him again. Right now, at this very moment... I really wish I have someone. Someone legal to be with me. Someone who want to be with me. Someone who will always say "talk to you soon" instead of "bye".

Anyway... Merry Christmas. It's 25 December :)

Xmas Eve

I remember when I was a kid back in Pontianak, I am one of the xmas and new year fans. The reason is not because I'll get present. No. I'm not christian so trust me, no present under the tree or something similar.

I simply like xmas and new year is because longer holiday period and also because the TV channels are showing xmas movies. Family movies. They play "Home Alone" and "Air Bud" over and over again. Every single year. But I never seem to get bored of it.

That made me realize how much I miss home. How much I miss my parents. How much I miss my childhood where I was innocent and happy. Now that I grew up. I have more thoughts. I have more drama of my own that I don't have time to watch any other drama at all. I am too busy with my own drama.

And here I am. Monday, 24 December 2012. Xmas eve. 43 minutes to Christmas and I am having mixed feelings. And yes, it's about a guy. It's too complicated and I am in no mood to explain it now but... I really hope everything will be okay with us. And I TRULY hope that I can stop myself from waiting bad things to happen.

So... Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy Holiday

What If

It is undeniable that changes happen everyday in our life for as long as we're still breathing.

The most significant thing which, I think, affects me the most is the love department. Ian was something. Something I can't seem to get over with, something I can't seem to forget, something that change me to who I am today.

Life after Ian was... rebellious, if I can put it that way. Love was not real anymore. Personally, I just want to have fun with whoever I feel like and feel totally nothing. I thought I lost my feeling. And maybe I still am.

BUT... Look at me now. I am seeing someone... Correction. I belong to someone. He own me. I gave him the ownership. Honestly I am  scared. I have loads of what ifs in my head.
- What if he's not real?
- What if he cheated?
- What if he lie?
- What if he get bored with me one day and just leave?
- What if we quarrel like no tomorrow?
- What if we never proceed anywhere and just be two singles living together?
- What if this is all just a fun game?
- What if this is just another failure?
- What if I am just... this?

.........

But I'm happy. I don't know if this is serious. I don't know if this is gonna last or not. I don't know if he's for real or not. But I know I am happy. Maybe. Maybe I am happy.

We'll see...

The Wheel Of Life

I believe the wheel of life does apply. They say sometimes you're on the top, sometimes you're at the bottom. I interprete it as "when you feel really happy, you're on the top, but careful, because soon you'll hit the bottom (feel sad that is)". I'm not much of a optimist, I must say.

I was really happy yesterday because One was... Okay. That's not how to tell a story, right. So I had an event yesterday. The reception of my mobile phone was bad, probably caused by the weather and also because of the crowd or the location of the venue itself. Whatever it was, One couldn't contact me. I couldn't reply to any of his text. One claimed to feel uneasy whenever he does not hear from me, does not know what I am doing, is not able to contact me, or anything similar with that. He called several times but I failed to speak to him because I was doing something else. We did talk for a minute or two though.

When I was on my way back, he was about to sleep and he did. I was not expecting anything but he sort of had difficulties to sleep because he had not been able to see me for the whole day. Once I got home, he called. Then he went to sleep. I was glad because I did not expect he really did WANT to see me.

Then came this morning...
I check on his instagram post. Weird pictures, as usual. With his quirky touch. And suddenly, there it was... A picture of One and his particular 'another one'. They look really good in the picture. Then it hit me hard in the heart. What was I thinking? What am I doing? Who do I think I am?

One said he loves me. I couldn't say a word back to him. Now I think I know why.
The similarity between One and Ian is too much.
1. Me and One has no status whatsoever which put me into the place where I have no rights to be mad at him for whatsoever reason because I am no one.
2. I start to put my trust in him where I have no idea what he's doing when he's not within sight (which again bring me back to number 1 where I am not in the position to ask/demand his whereabouts).
3. Ian keep contact with his so-called ex girlfriend who appears to be not-his-ex-but-still-his-gf girlfriend. So is One
4. Ian told me how unhappy he was with his (again) so-called ex girlfriend but apparently he was really happy. Those "unhappy" was only when he was with me. In front of me. All lie. What about One? He told me how unhappy he is with his another-one but really... that picture... shows... things. What if he's actually happy. What if his feeling towards me was all pheromone-effect. And he just want to keep us both... Like what Ian did.

Is number 1 right? Maybe. But when he said he loves me, that changes the way I act. I know rule number 1 still applies but I feel it and I can't help it.

I can't say I love him because I don't want to fall for someone I cannot own. Someone who will disappear without any notice. Someone who one day realize that all he wanted from me was sex and end everything. Someone who one day will leave me for his another-one. What am I for?

I have endless questions in my mind...

One thing I know for sure. I am not ready to hit the bottom.

Defense Mechanism

When the world breaks down. I have this defense mechanism to act strong.

Loads of things going on in my mind at the moment...
1. The possibility of me with another human being
2. The possibility of me addicted to one
3. The fact that one is not alone
4. REALITY

One told me that he will arrive earlier which made me really happy because that means alot. Especially when I'm ADDICTED like hell. Turn out he has store opening for his 'another-one'. I am in the position where I should not complain. I should not say a thing because I am nobody......... but......... I am upset. I am sad. I am... um... loads of things.

I know he feel bad and all but like I said, I have defense mechanism and it starts automatically. Waiting for the time when the defense mechanism wears off and break down...

Contradicting

The thing about this kind of relationship is...
I have these mix feelings going on in my head and struck my stomach. I am aware that he's not mine yet I claim he is. I didn't say I love him yet I couldn't get him out of my mind. I think I can handle things yet I am so spoiled with his presence. I said I will do just fine when he's not around yet I find myself sniffing his smell off his t-shirt. All things are contradicting.

However I am prepared. Any moment now that he might leave me. Chance that I might not see him live again. Possibility that he got bored of me.

...
Maybe Im not. I don't want him to go anywhere. I want to see him everyday. Is it love? I don't know...