And now for something I should have posted awhile ago.... derp !
this blog has moved ! Please go to http://esper.night-horizons.net/ :)
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Art of Awareness Blog Hop :: Never Give Up, Never Surrender
Once upon a time, there was a woman - beautiful, strong and yet as gentle as a person could be. A woman who was thrown in plenty of tumoil and hard times, of devastating blows and sickness, and yet she bore it all with a kind of quiet perseverance - a kind of endurance and perseverance I did not realize I owned myself until she was gone.
That woman had many names, but I was one of the two who had the privilege to call her a very specific name - mother.
To be honest, I feel like a broken record sometimes. i do feel like I mention my mother quite a lot. I refer to her often in these posts, but then again it makes sense. My mother was a creative force in her own way, she passed onto me the desire to explore and create. Without my mother, I would not be here writing this post, I wouldn't have created everything you have seen on this blog.
My mother passed away in 2007 - an aneurysm that stole her from us so quickly we could barely process what had actually happened. She was 55, the epitome of gone way too soon. Of all the health problems my mother had at the end of her life, it was almost ironic that it was something that we were unaware of that gor her in the end. Yet at the same time I think about her often, even 8 years after that day. The wound her passing left on me isn't closed and probably won't ever be, but I've grown used to the pain. Maybe even numb to it, in a sense. It never gets better, but you go on. You survive. You don't give up.
Yet the moment I went to highlight here is not that moment, but to understand it, you have to understand what kind of woman my mother was. Gentle, sweet, yet strong in a very strange way - especially for someone with the anxiety issues she had dealt with most of her life. It was like there was a little well inside of her, a little switch she could pull in her brain when she really needed it, a little power that made her go though things that would have seemed impossible. She miscarried two children in between my brother and me. My father crashed his car against a tree and for a time, we did not know if he was okay - couldn't get any information at all. For all we had known at that instant, he could have had died on the spot. Yet in these two hours she was calm in a way that seemed superhuman. She lost her mother and then her father one year after the other. She very nearly lost me twice - once at my birth, and then 15 years later, when my PCOS medication misfired and I nearly hemorrhaged to death.
When the doctor said nothing was off with my blood samples and we needed to leave, she told the doctor, very calmly, that it would be his blood being drawn if he did not wheel me into the ER at this instant, moments before I passed out from blood loss.
My mother was a force of nature, but at the same time very fragile.A very strange contradiction, it seems, but that was how it is. It was only when I was 21, when she passed away, that I realized that I was exactly the same - I had this little well inside me, this little switch in my brain I could pull when I really needed it... I just hadn't had a reason to need it before then.
Yet she had tried to tell me that I was like this. When I was 17, I was on my first year of post-secondary education. I lived in another town in an apartment during week days, and she worried. She had reasons to worry - I was freshly off anti-depressant for the first time in years as I seemed to be stable enough as my dosage deceased to finally bottom out into not needing it at all. Being out of my toxic high school life helped me immencely but even still, there were chances depression could catch up with me again. It's a shady monster like that, depression - ready to strike when you are at your weaknest moment. I don't feel like you can ever be cured of it. It's always a shadow looming. I knew this, and so did my mother.
It was then that one of my friends from high school took his own life. A bad breakup took him to that extreme. We had lost touch a bit after high school graduation, but it was still a shock to me - and to my mother as well, who had met him plenty of times and cared for him deeply. We went to his funeral together, supported his devastated parents. When his mother took my mother aside for a moment, I thought nothing of it at first. But in truth, my friend's mother knew me just as well as my mother knew her son. She knew all I had gone though, and she was worried the same would happen to me. My mother reassured her - that I had been off anti-depressant for months and was still followed by a psychiatrist - but whatever else they discussed, it led to what happened next.
We walked back home after the burial. It was a remarkably clear day, a bright blue sky with not a cloud in sight, in spite of the fact that a mother just had to bury her son all too soon. She held my hand all the while, looking up at the sky as we walked. We walked in silence for a moment, but eventually, my mother spoke. In french, of course - my mother barely knew any english, unlike my bother and I, but it went more or less like this.
"Audrey. I want you to promise me something."
"What ?" I asked, looking at her.
"Never give up. Not your life. Never surrender. You are stronger than you know, stronger than you might ever believe that you are. you have weathered so many storms already, and you will weather many more. No matter how dark things get, how hopeless, remember that there will always be someone who loves you. Maybe it is selfish of me to say this, but nothing will kill me more than having to do what she did today."
And that was what I did. Even after she was gone, I still did exactly just that. Things arn't always good, and sometimes there are dark storms rocking my life. Some days I feel the old depression monster gnawing at me again. But I hit him with a baseball bat. make sure he's down for a little while, and carry on.
I promised not to give up, after all.
The bracelet itself came to me very quickly - the moment I got my bead in the mail, I knew which basic design I wanted to go with. I wanted a price I could see, something I could use as a reminder when things get hard. As you might notice, it is asymentrical - the bead sits toward me on my wrist, closed to my eyes, closer to my heart. I broke apart the bigger links from a commercial chain and used jump rings to make a new chain. It was really hard to do that, actually - the metal wasn't very pliable and none of my pliers could quite cut it. I pondered changing my design, but the bead sat here, reminding me. You can't give up, remember ? So I found a way. And I did what I wanted. This was my first test drive of a new wire, and I gotta say I quite love it and need more of it. It comes in antique tones, which was one thing that kind of annoyed me with my work - I use mostly antiqued findings, but was stuck with bright wire.
This piece was supposed to be much more complex initially, but any attempt to add more to it didn't take - didn't feel right at all. Eventually I decided to stop fighting the piece and just leave it as you see above.
The cause I am supporting is, as you might have guessed - depression and auicide awareness. No one should have to think death is the only way out, and yet too often it is the case. I thought exactly that for a long time, but I want you - all of you who read this - to remember : no matter how dark the storm is, you can weather it. If you need help to weather it, seek it - it is not shameful or weak, like too many seem to believe.
You are beautiful. You are loved. You are a star.
Never give up.
Well, this actually was the hardest part of the process, and kudos for making your way though that rather impressive wall of text. Please go see all the other pieces in the art of awareness blog hop, and as a thank you for getting to here and to hopefully put a smite back on your face after this pretty heavy matter, have some Feline Assistance In Photography :
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Bead Hoarders Blog Hop 2014 - REVEAL !
Hi, my name is Audrey. Sometimes I do things. 95% of the time, I don't do things.
I realize there has been quite a long bout of radio silence. I spend the summer pursuing other hobbies but then things got pretty complicated as fall rolled in. I don,t really want to lay my troubles here when you are all here for shiny things, but I will say that things turned out a lot better than I thought they would turn out at the time.
But I will always do my best to be present for events by the lovely Lori so, here I am agaiu. Doing things. Ot at least pretending I can do things. At this point, qualifying any of my stash as 'hoarding' was not a problem at all, but the problem was, rather, which bit and which piece ?
So I decided to use something I bought right before life decided to throw me a curve.
I love, love, love, LOVE Moriah Betterly's ceramic work, and when she started doing kits of the months, this was the first, and I knew I had to snatch it up. I had a very clear idea of what I wanted to do with half of these amazing, tiny work of art, but I never quite got to execute the concept. They didn't change much in the time I finally set out to do this. I set out to do at least two pieces, and that is what I did.
Again, I must apologize, these photos won't be the best. I had a goalpost in my mind that pretty much consisted of finishing the necklace today (friday) to take pictures saturday to try to catch the scarce canadian light, then post sunday. Ha, ha ha ha... Anyone sees the problem here ? Thank to the amazing Lori for posting a reminder on facebook and therefore saving my ass so I acrually do have SOMETHING to show.
But every wrist shiny needs a neck shiny, right ? Well, neither pieces are shiny, per-se. But they are shinies. Trying to think up on how to translate the cuff design into a necklace wasn't suer easy at first, so I settled into using mostly cloth with metal accents and more danglies. The necklace got a little heretic because I ran out of 24g wire at EXACTLY the last cloth wrap. Phew... That was a close one.
I can't claim for sure that both pieces are 100% completely finished. Im not sure if I like the loops on the cuff, right below the butterfly. It looks kind of... odd to me ? I was thinking about cutting those loops off and using a pierced brass stamping to give it a cleaner look, but time got ahead of me. The necklace feels like it is missing something, too, but I can't seem to think up what it could be. So feel free to put your thoughts and ideas in the comments !
Thank you for dropping by ! I hope the dust didn't bother you too badly. Please give everyone else a visit as well !
I realize there has been quite a long bout of radio silence. I spend the summer pursuing other hobbies but then things got pretty complicated as fall rolled in. I don,t really want to lay my troubles here when you are all here for shiny things, but I will say that things turned out a lot better than I thought they would turn out at the time.
But I will always do my best to be present for events by the lovely Lori so, here I am agaiu. Doing things. Ot at least pretending I can do things. At this point, qualifying any of my stash as 'hoarding' was not a problem at all, but the problem was, rather, which bit and which piece ?
So I decided to use something I bought right before life decided to throw me a curve.
(I must apologize for the subpar photo here. I, as always, forgot to take a picture before I began working, and this was the only thing I could find !)
I love, love, love, LOVE Moriah Betterly's ceramic work, and when she started doing kits of the months, this was the first, and I knew I had to snatch it up. I had a very clear idea of what I wanted to do with half of these amazing, tiny work of art, but I never quite got to execute the concept. They didn't change much in the time I finally set out to do this. I set out to do at least two pieces, and that is what I did.
Again, I must apologize, these photos won't be the best. I had a goalpost in my mind that pretty much consisted of finishing the necklace today (friday) to take pictures saturday to try to catch the scarce canadian light, then post sunday. Ha, ha ha ha... Anyone sees the problem here ? Thank to the amazing Lori for posting a reminder on facebook and therefore saving my ass so I acrually do have SOMETHING to show.
This cuff was literally what I bought the kit for. I went with the butterfly time by including flowers and leaves, as well as some other bits and bobs. Nothing you will see here has been bought, by the way - every single piece came out of my existing stash. I used an assortment of czech glass beads, as well as some agate and impression jasper I had left over from other projects. The cuff base consists of two skinny cuff bases from B'Sue Boutique that I fixed the cuff piece onto with a combination The of glue and apozie sculpt.after wrapping them in sari cloth. Once the apoxie was set, I wire wrapped the cuffs as well as the flowers and beads, gluing in the leaves as a last touch.
But every wrist shiny needs a neck shiny, right ? Well, neither pieces are shiny, per-se. But they are shinies. Trying to think up on how to translate the cuff design into a necklace wasn't suer easy at first, so I settled into using mostly cloth with metal accents and more danglies. The necklace got a little heretic because I ran out of 24g wire at EXACTLY the last cloth wrap. Phew... That was a close one.
I can't claim for sure that both pieces are 100% completely finished. Im not sure if I like the loops on the cuff, right below the butterfly. It looks kind of... odd to me ? I was thinking about cutting those loops off and using a pierced brass stamping to give it a cleaner look, but time got ahead of me. The necklace feels like it is missing something, too, but I can't seem to think up what it could be. So feel free to put your thoughts and ideas in the comments !
Thank you for dropping by ! I hope the dust didn't bother you too badly. Please give everyone else a visit as well !
Robin Kae Reed http://www.willowdragon.blogspot.com/
Melissa Trudinger https://beadrecipes.wordpress.com/
Melissa Trudinger https://beadrecipes.wordpress.com/
Monday, May 19, 2014
A Sky Full Of Stars
(Looking for my BSBP reveal ? go here ! <3)
I think I see you
I think I see you
Some time later, Donna made another. Again, I did not have the money. But that one bead, for some reason, sat there.It sat there and it waited, for months, until Donna had a sale. Then, I was able to bring my little dream of a bead home.
And I could not have been happier. There are no photos that can give that bead any justice. It is breathtaking. A sky full of stars, indeed. I had a really fun time trying to replicate the glow and iridescence with the shattered fire opal from the iced enamels line. It's far from the same, but it is still such a lovely effect ! I did the bowl of the two spoons as well as the round part of the handles, then poured resin on top. They all just glow ! I fear I am even more addicted to the medium than I once was... Please send
The beads are blue goldstone, which is actually a man-made material rather than an actual stone. I always thought it looked like a starry sky to me, so adding a few was a given.Then I made a tassel with my star chain. The tassel addiction continues, ever and ever <<;
So I had the focal part done. I had no idea what to do the neckline with. I thought about just using more star chain, but it didn't seem to fit for some reason. This is the proof that an idea can happen everywhere and nothing is laughable... I was at the bakery, getting a tart for dessert. It was being boxed, and that box was then being wrapped in lengths of black ribbon. That was my AHA moment. As you can see this is not cheap plastic ribbon. This is a very nice fabric ribbon that worked perfectly for this purpose and provided the final touch.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Bead Soup Blog Party 8 :: REVEAL !
“I pray to the birds because they remind me of what I love rather than what I fear. And at the end of my prayers, they teach me how to listen.”
― Terry Tempest Williams2012 | 2013
Hi, and welcome to my reveal of the 8th Bead Soup Blog Party ! Enjoy your stay !
As a reminder, the soup the lovely Sandra sent me is here. Sandra set me a challenge - to use yellow, a color which, along with orange, just isn't a color I... dig. Or use. Or think about most of the time. She provided me with a few yellow beads for this purpose, and early on I ran into a setback. Not so much because of the color, but because most of the yellow beads she sent me, along with the pearls and the lovely coral I was so looking forward to using, had holes too small to be strung on 20 gauge wire. 22 would have compromised the strength of the pieces, so I pulled out what little yellow that I do own from my own stash and set out to work, finding creative ways to use the small yellow beads and the pearls in a different way.
This bracelet contains one of the focals Sandra sent me. I wanted to keep the top hole to hang from, as well as keep the bird straight, so rather than hook from the provided bails, I mounted (of sorts) the lovely bird focal on a round mother of pearl doughnut that another good friend of mine (also, aptly, named Sandra, but she will be represented as her online handle of Efte for purposes of clarity). The MOP links came with copper links that covers the inside of the inner hole, so it was easy to punch an hole though the decorative element, afix a wire to the back of the bird, then wire everything up neatly. To make sure nothing came undone, I poured resin on the backside. This bird isn't flying away ! The heart with kanji came from Efte as well, though I used ice enamels to color it. Sandra sent me the flower bead caps separately upon realizing she forgot to send me some, and they worked perfectly in this lovely little bracelet !
The clasp is handmade by the lovely Lisa of Metal Me This, painted with lumiere paints and adorned with a tiny wire nest. Sandra sent me a trio of lovely egg beads, but they were a little big for this purpose, so I painted this smaller trio to match them. The bird spacers are from Sandra as well, but are guarding tiny nests of pearls and hearts rather than spacing anything ! Most of the gemstones on this bracelet were part of my soup, with exceptions of the smaller agate round, the wooden beads, and the round yellow stones, that came from my stash. The three strands were made separately and then I wired them together with jump rings to keep things tidy. this is a substantial piece, as per my usual, and a nice weight on one's wrist. I made this within a week of getting my soup, and have been wearing it nearly constantly since !
But, Audrey, you mentioned three big egg beads, where are they ? Well...
There they are ! I first made this to be an element in the bracelet, but it was much too big to work well. Rather than cut the whole thing apart, I thought to make a ring with a spare bit of bookchain much like I've seen Harry of Oscarcrow do. This is very similar to how I mounted the bird on the bracelet - I used apoxie sculpt to fill the hole, then pressed the focal. I found that it wasn't strong enough in the nest's case, thanks to all the irregularities of the wire wrapping, but it left me an impression that made it easy to simply glue it back in place once the clay had cured. Bookchain is expensive, and having a good way to use up small bits and bobs is very handy !
But, Audrey, those who know me might say. Two whole pieces, and nary a necklace in sight ? Are you well ?
Worry not, my dears.
There's a necklace, as one could expect from me :P The base is assemblage of three different brass pieces - the backplate with the holes, the winged cartouche, and the heart. The heart was painted with vintaj inks in a mix of garnet and black, then had iced enamels applied on. I painted the little bird with lumière paint for the golden, and the leftover red from the heart. I used crystal clay to fix the heart of the winged cartouche, and then went around it with the pearls Sandra sent me to hide how raised up it was. They worked perfectly for this purpose !
The base itself had some red painted onto, then I used tissue decoupage on top of it. Once the two parts were together, I put resin on everything, making sure to not cover the pearls. Then I put the backplate on.
I made the neckline while keeping in mind that the piece was going to be relatively bottom heavy - the sari ribbon on the back keeps the necklace from being harsh on the neck, where the beaded segments offer decoration on the sides. The clasp is the clasp Sandra sent me, though it gained a little birdy friend who made a nest upon it.
The lower part is definitively kitchen sinky. The sari ribbon adds a lot of volume to the bottom part while not adding too much weight. A lot of the gemstone beads that Sandra sent me ended up here, along with a little bottle full of coral. I made yet another little nest for the center tassel part, with a cloisonne bead Efte sent me. The rest came from my own stash. Here's a better look of the whole bottom part pulled out :
And, as a finale, something a little more unusual (well, for me...)
These earrings all use the bead caps and the yellow beads Sandra sent me, as well as some scrap bits of sari and chain. These were actually really fun to do, and I plan to do more of them ! I love to use the little brass spoon Brenda sells as elements like this. They work very well for earrings, or elements in assemblage. Im sure to make a bunch more !
Well, that's about it for me for this year ! Please make sure to visit my partner, Sandra, as well as everyone else involved in the party ! Have fun !
Sunday, April 6, 2014
The Color of Dreams Blog Hop :: Reveal !
((Feel free to skip the tl;dr bullshit and go right to the pretty. I won't blame ya.))
Dreams are a bit of a... slippery subject for me, to be honest. I've struggled with self-esteem issues all my life, and am still struggling with them now. I will probably be struggling with them all my life.
Every time I have reached out for my dreams, I have failed. Sometimes a little harder than other times. It just seems that whatever I do is never good enough, and I'll never go anywhere. It's easy to wonder 'why me' and go down that slippery slope, so I try to do my best not to go there at all.
I think my dreams right now are simple - I want to be happy. Yet that seems just as unattainable as the rest of them. Maybe one day I'll get there.
Maybe.
This piece came about really quickly and basically on it's own. The cameo was tinted from blue to purple with the help of Lisa's lovely color me this line, allowing me to tint the cameo without losing too much details or staining the white. The cameo is also a reference to my mother, who has left us seven years ago now. She loved cameos very much. The bead I have gotten as part of the blog hop sits nestled safely in it's little frame, surrounded by flowers. I think that's what I want. I want to feel safe, surrounded by things that I love.
The frame and the back plate was first darkened then built up in a very subtle patina. It's a hard to see on the photo, but in real life it's quite visible.
Hostess: TJ Jewel School Friends
Kay Thomerson KayzKreationz
Audrey Belanger Toki No Hourousha <=== You are here
Dreams are a bit of a... slippery subject for me, to be honest. I've struggled with self-esteem issues all my life, and am still struggling with them now. I will probably be struggling with them all my life.
Every time I have reached out for my dreams, I have failed. Sometimes a little harder than other times. It just seems that whatever I do is never good enough, and I'll never go anywhere. It's easy to wonder 'why me' and go down that slippery slope, so I try to do my best not to go there at all.
I think my dreams right now are simple - I want to be happy. Yet that seems just as unattainable as the rest of them. Maybe one day I'll get there.
Maybe.
The frame and the back plate was first darkened then built up in a very subtle patina. It's a hard to see on the photo, but in real life it's quite visible.
The leaves are brass stampings that I painted with lumiere paints then sealed. And the flowers, as easily seen here, are inverted bead caps with the inside painted, wired with spectra glass beads. I've always thought these little bead caps looked like flowers. I think I've used them more as flowers than as their actual purpose !
This piece is also my entry for B'Sue April challenge, a pop of color. So don't get confused if you see it floating around a bit !
Thanks for visiting me. Please go take a look at everyone else as well~
Honorary Artist: Patricia Handschuh
Patricia's blog: The Color of Dreams
Patricias Etsy: The Color of Dreams
Patricia's blog: The Color of Dreams
Patricias Etsy: The Color of Dreams
Hostess: TJ Jewel School Friends
Kay Thomerson KayzKreationz
Audrey Belanger Toki No Hourousha <=== You are here
Alicia Marinache All the Pretty Things
Terry Carter TappingFlamingo
Lori Schneider Bead Addict
Jenny Kyrlach Wonder and Whimsy
Asri Wahyuingsih Asri's Beadwork
Dini Bruinsma Angaza by Changes
Karla Morgan Texas Pepper Jams
Debbie Rasmussen A Little of This, A Little of That
Veralynne Malone Designed by Vera
Kathy Stemke Vintage Memories Jewelry Design
Mowse Doyle Mowse Made This
Heather Richter Desert Jewelry Designs
Lori Poppe Adventures in Creativity with LorilliJean
Jayne Capps Mama's Got To Doodle
Andrea Glick Zenith Jade Creations
Kathleen Breeding 99 Bottles of Beads on the Wall
Becky Pancake Becky Pancake Bead Designs
Karin Martinez Fairies Market
Miranda Ackerley Mirandack
Penny Houghton Smelly Nelly
Carolyn Lawson Carolyn's Creations
Chris Eisenberg Wanderware
Christie Murrow Charis Designs Jewelry
Monique Urquhart A Half-Baked Notion
Eve Shelby Raindrop Creations Jewelry by Evelyn
Cryss Thain Here Bead Dragons
Jasvanti Patel Jewelry By Jasvanti
Nan Smith NanMade Handmade Jewelry
Sue Kennedy SueBeads
Jean Yates Snap Out of It, Jean! There's Beading to be Done!
Debbie Rogers Debbies Treasures
Marybeth Rich A Few Words From Within the Pines
Shirley Moore Beads and Bread
Shaia Williams Shaiha's Ramblings
Kathy Lindemer Bay Moon Design
Linda Anderson From the Bead Board
Judy Turner Silver Rains
Gloria Allen Gloria Allen Designs
Regina Wood Ginas-Design
Robin Reed Artistry HCBD
Mary Goovars MLH Jewelry Designs
Marlene Cupo Amazing Designs
CJ Bauschka 4 His Glory Creations
Robin Showstack The Crazy Bead Hoarder
Cynthia O'Toole Sparkles and Sweets
Jael Thorp Jael's Art Jewels
Renetha Stanziano Lamplight Crafts
Terry Carter TappingFlamingo
Lori Schneider Bead Addict
Jenny Kyrlach Wonder and Whimsy
Asri Wahyuingsih Asri's Beadwork
Dini Bruinsma Angaza by Changes
Karla Morgan Texas Pepper Jams
Debbie Rasmussen A Little of This, A Little of That
Veralynne Malone Designed by Vera
Kathy Stemke Vintage Memories Jewelry Design
Mowse Doyle Mowse Made This
Heather Richter Desert Jewelry Designs
Lori Poppe Adventures in Creativity with LorilliJean
Jayne Capps Mama's Got To Doodle
Andrea Glick Zenith Jade Creations
Kathleen Breeding 99 Bottles of Beads on the Wall
Becky Pancake Becky Pancake Bead Designs
Karin Martinez Fairies Market
Miranda Ackerley Mirandack
Penny Houghton Smelly Nelly
Carolyn Lawson Carolyn's Creations
Chris Eisenberg Wanderware
Christie Murrow Charis Designs Jewelry
Monique Urquhart A Half-Baked Notion
Eve Shelby Raindrop Creations Jewelry by Evelyn
Cryss Thain Here Bead Dragons
Jasvanti Patel Jewelry By Jasvanti
Nan Smith NanMade Handmade Jewelry
Sue Kennedy SueBeads
Jean Yates Snap Out of It, Jean! There's Beading to be Done!
Debbie Rogers Debbies Treasures
Marybeth Rich A Few Words From Within the Pines
Shirley Moore Beads and Bread
Shaia Williams Shaiha's Ramblings
Kathy Lindemer Bay Moon Design
Linda Anderson From the Bead Board
Judy Turner Silver Rains
Gloria Allen Gloria Allen Designs
Regina Wood Ginas-Design
Robin Reed Artistry HCBD
Mary Goovars MLH Jewelry Designs
Marlene Cupo Amazing Designs
CJ Bauschka 4 His Glory Creations
Robin Showstack The Crazy Bead Hoarder
Cynthia O'Toole Sparkles and Sweets
Jael Thorp Jael's Art Jewels
Renetha Stanziano Lamplight Crafts
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