Guest Post: Pain

A few months ago my friend, Robyn, posted a blog that truly touched me. It's been on my mind quite a bit, and it seemed too good not to share with loved ones beyond my Iowa friends. With Robyn's permission I'm reposting her thoughts in their entirety.

Before you read the post, I think it pertinent to know something of it's author, Robyn.

One thing I have learned in marriage is that using definitive expletives such as "always" and "never", usually lead to no good. But without an ounce of hesitation I describe Robyn as someone who is is truly beloved by all who know her. I watched her for the four years we lived in Iowa, and in her I found someone that sincerely cared about others and worked tirelessly to befriend, lift, and nurture those around her. During the four months Matt was away from our family last year, Robyn called me about once a week to see how I was doing or to invite me on an outing or to dinner. Robyn is charity personified. I can only hope to someday possess a portion of the goodness and love that seems to come so easily to her.

Without further adieu, here's her thoughts:

Disclaimer- this post has been difficult for me to finally publish. It is more personal than I usually like to get in blogs, but I have felt prompted for months to write this. I don't think it's necessarily because anyone else needs this, but I just felt it was important for me to record and share these experiences with my family. Please don't misunderstand this as preachy or "look how great I did!". These are very real, tender experiences from my life where I have seen the Lord inspire and bless me.)

Are you ready to get a little deep? Okay..

Pain. This subject has been one of interest to me lately. It started with a relief society lesson that got me reflecting on painful experiences in my life and how I handled them. In this lesson we talked about the importance of pain, the necessity , even the joy (gasp, what!?) it is in our life and how no one- no matter how righteous or intelligent we are- can escape it.

This is a truth I have always known, but for some reason that spring day in a chapel in the middle of Iowa, my understanding, insight, and feelings about pain went to a much deeper level. I'm not even sure I can explain. Articulating how I feel in writing is not a talent of mine.

One of the key phrases that runs through my mind is, "without pain, there is no triumph." The Spirit has opened my eyes and helped me see that though adversity, confrontation, stepping out of my comfort zone, being asked to do hard things, have brought painful moments to my life, I have the choice to triumph. Though the Lord in His wisdom doesn't necessarily remove the painful experience, He always provides a way to triumph.

And when you triumph over pain, it is one of the most empowering, joyful experiences.

I have so much more to say than this, but I struggle to sufficiently explain. It is a tender subject with me lately.

Maybe it's because I have experienced a fresh sting of pain with this most recent move.

I can't say that I've been able to look at every difficult experience I've been through and see the joy or the blessings in it. There are some things I just still don't understand. But my thoughts turned to pain and triumph, I have recognized a few recent examples of times where I was feeling some pretty significant pains that ,with the help of the Lord, brought me joyful blessings that made my life even richer and sweeter than I could have imagined.

MOVING TO IOWA

When the moving truck pulled out of my parent's driveway and I followed in my white Expedition, I thought my heart was literally going to break. I sobbed outloud, gasping for air- it was ugly. After a long time, and with sobs still refusing to quiet, I even prayed aloud as I drove (thankfully I was alone, Tyler might have left me at the curb by now). I was 5 months pregnant with my third. My life was finally starting to feel settled, and lucky me- it was pretty much falling into place just how I envisioned it. I had a cute little house, an amazing ward, wonderful friends, was now a stay at home mom, and above all, my dreams of living near my family had come true. I never lived near grandparents, and I was thrilled that my kids would live so close to some. And to top that all off, my older brothers moved to Texas ... cousins to play with too? Ya, this is exactly what I envisioned for myself.

Iowa? Seriously? That's all I could think. The transition was hard, and it took a long time for me to feel at home.

What if I would have been spared the pain of leaving? I would never have known the joy of living in this home. I grew in ways that I never expected. I discovered myself. Our family became more solid. Our testimonies deepened. The kids enjoyed a carefree life. Most importantly, what if I missed out on the incredible people that ate, played, and visited this home? No, I couldn't be this happy without my life in Iowa.

BABY BLUES

I have lightly mentioned in some of my conversations with friends that I had the blues after Harrison. I don't think I've really explained to anyone what a painful time this was for me. In fact, I can't find the words to describe it now, and I guess there's really no need to. It was a very personal, deeply difficult experience for me. And on top of it all, my thyroid called it quits and I had no idea. It took me 6 months to realize I was not only depressed, but a zombie. I lived to sleep. So far in my life, this has been the lowest of lows for me.

My life changed dramatically the day I gave up my cell phone and walked in to Farrells- a specialized body shaping gym in town. After strengthening myself physically and emotionally, I soon became a fitness coach and instructor. I have found profound joy in nurturing others along the program. This experience has been one of the most fulfilling, life changing blessings of my life.

(This is me instructing on my last day)

MONEY MATTERS

Like most people, we've had our financial ups and downs. There was a time in our lives when finances were more than tight. Our job didn't turn out to be what we hoped, and we had other challenges that were so stressful that I found myself sitting and staring at walls. I know, I'm proactive like that. Without going into detail, just trust me when I say that this was an intense, painful few years for us.

It was right before spring break one year while I was doing my daily "wall stare" that I got feeling really sorry for myself. The reality of our situation was so heavy on me and I was feeling sad that my kids weren't able to participate in music lessons, sports, etc. It crossed my mind that spring break was coming up and my self pity went a notch higher. Will we ever afford to take our kids on vacation? This year and some beyond, the answer was "no". We just didn't have the means.

That is how Spring Break Hotel was borne. I shook myself out of victim mode and decided that if I couldn't go to a hotel, then I would make my own. And from there the ideas flowed.


I really think that if it weren't for our financial trials that I would have fought so hard to make Spring Break such a special time for my kids. It was just as special for me as it was for them. This tradition has been so treasured to our family, and hopefully others as well. I hope that my children will not only remember the fun times we had, but that they will see how our family triumphed above the pains of financial stress that were so heavy on us for those years.

Thank you, Robyn, for allowing me to share your thoughts.

From the Mouth of My Babe: Skylie's Thankful For

Skylie has recently begun saying very small portions of prayers on her own. It's quite entertaining and sweet to say the least. It's eye opening to see how she perceives the world.

Tonight when I asked her "What are you thankful for?" this was her response:

Her: "Gnana and papa."
Me: "Who else?"
Her: "Gnana and papa."
Me: "Who else?"
Her: "Gnana and papa."
(As usual she repeated that three more times before I could get her to move on from expressing thanks for her grandparents.)
Me: "Who else?"
Her: "Temples" (Probably due to the fact we'd just watched this video.)

She went on to list:

"The museum."
"Jesus."
"Jesus Christ."
"Our friends."
"Sadie."
"Brook and Kate."

Only after prompting her did she include crucial people like Mom, Dad, and Kaitlyn in her prayers. :)

Brown County State Park

On Thursday, January 5 our family headed an hour south to Brown County State Park to meet up with Matt's cousin's family, his Aunt Cindy, and his Uncle Brian. The day was unseasonable warm, and we took a 2-mile winter hike in the park. Later we window-shopped (quite literally since the stores had closed) in the nearby quaint town of Nashville, Indiana.

Skylie and Matt
If only we could all have the life of a two-year-old!

Dave and Skylie

Skylie loved the hike, except when her shoes got muddy.

Skylie and Matt

The kids playing at the playground
I think the Dads enjoyed themselves as much as the children did.

Sadie, Kaitlyn, and Jenny

Sadie carried Kaitlyn the entire hike!
Both our daughters certainly get their share of attention around this gang.

Skylie and Erin

We loved the day trip, but next year we might rent a cabin (Two nights for the price of one? Yes please!), and take advantage of the sweet indoor pool at the Abe Martin Lodge.

Facts in Bullet Point Fashion

In the world of Blogland, I'm pretty good at recording what my children are doing and about our fun outings. But I don't regularly document pertinent information about our day-to-day living and what's on my mind. Like most of you, I blog so that my family will have a better remembrance of their past. I may be cocky, but I like to think that Skylie and Kaitlyn will actually want to know what their mom cared about when they were babes. Here's an effort to do better.

A few thoughts about Matt's residency, our life in Indy, and what's going on in my head:

• For the past six months Matt has been doing his psychiatry rotation. Compared to most residencies, the hours have been a breeze! He's worked about 55-60 hours each week, from about 7:30 a.m. until 5:00 or 6 p.m. weekdays, and he had all major holidays off. One night a week he was on call at the hospital until 10 p.m., and one weekend a month he had to go to the hospital to sign orders on Saturday and Sunday mornings. (Those weekends he was usually only gone for a couple hours at most.)
  
• The breeze came to a screeching halt this week when Matt began his three month internal medicine rotation. He's working every Saturday and Sunday (at least from morning to mid-afternoon) for the next three months, has call (meaning he stays late at the hospital) once or twice weekly, and has one weekday off each week. It's going to be a more grueling schedule than he's had, but I know that many other residents work just as hard or harder, and often have much more demanding schedules for years--not just a few months. I consider myself quite lucky his schedule has been as great as it's been.

• In a previous post I mentioned that I'm teaching a few group exercise classes at the local YMCA. I love it, and the perks of being a Y employee rock. I'm teaching two Turbo Kick classes, a Women on Weights course, and I'll be begin teaching another class (TBD) shortly.
• For the first few months we lived in Indianapolis I sometimes wished we'd moved to a more central area or purchased a house that wasn't a new construction. We hadn't completely realized how much work and money a new home needs until we'd moved in. After spending a weekend on the other side of town in December (where we would have lived if we hadn't purchased our current home), all my regret left and I realized that I'm really happy where I'm at. I love the neighborhood, my ward, and the more open and less-crowded feel on this side of town.

• I've been reading up on finances lately. I've learned a lot, but one of the biggest personal realizations I've come to is this: I'm going to try to never again complain or feel sorry for myself when I can't afford (or choose not to buy) something I want. Simple enough right? But the reasoning behind it is the important part. I think that I'm a fairly educated person who has solid and broad work experience. I could quite possibly get a job where I'd make more than Matt's current salary. Even if I couldn't get a great job, I know for certain I could do something to increase our income. But I'm choosing this life and choosing to spend my resources and time in other ways. It's my life, my choice, and once I've made a choice I should embrace it completely. If I'm ever not happy with my life's choices, I hope I'll be proactive to change my circumstances. From my reading I've also learned not to paint myself in a corner and limit my possibilities but to be creative in finding ways to get the things I really want if at first it doesn't seem feasible. Robbing banks isn't the creativity I have in mind. ;) By no means do I intent to imply that other people's decisions should be the same as mine. See next bullet.

• I've mentioned that I often feel guilty leaving my kids in childcare while I work out. Recently a friend wisely said that she's come to realize that spending her time in ways that are important to her is what matters most. We shouldn't feel guilty for spending our lives doing what's valuable to us. If, for example, my friend vacuums her house more than I do, that's okay because it's important to her and something else could be more important to me. Thanks for the great advice!

Slow-Cooker Chicken Tortilla Soup

Matt made this super easy Crockpot Chicken Tortilla Soup this weekend. It tasted so great that I had to share. Next time we may add black beans. I recommend doubling the recipe since it's an ideal freezer meal.

Ingredients

• 1 pound shredded, cooked chicken (1/4 rotisserie chicken shredded or 2 chicken breasts diced and cooked)
  
• 1 (15 ounce) can whole peeled tomatoes, mashed
• 1 (10 ounce) can enchilada sauce
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 1 (4 ounce) can chopped green chile peppers
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 cups water
• 1 (14.5 ounce) can chicken broth
• 1 teaspoon cumin
• 1 teaspoon chili powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 bay leaf
• 1 (10 ounce) package frozen corn
• 1 tablespoon chopped cilantro
• 7 corn tortillas (optional)*
  
• vegetable oil*

1. Place chicken, tomatoes, enchilada sauce, onion, green chiles, and garlic into a slow cooker. Pour in water and chicken broth, and season with cumin, chili powder, salt, pepper, and bay leaf. Stir in corn and cilantro. Cover, and cook on low setting for 6 to 8 hours or on high setting for 3 to 4 hours.
2. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C).*
3. Lightly brush both sides of tortillas with oil. Cut tortillas into strips, then spread on a baking sheet.*
4. Bake in preheated oven until crisp, about 10 to 15 minutes. To serve, sprinkle tortilla strips over soup.*

*Since I'm all about saving work, simply use tortilla chips if you'd rather.

He also made this Soft Oatmeal Cookie recipe which did not disappoint. Right now I'm wishing there were some left over. Mmm...

Month 27 and 28

Skylie,

I love the words that come out of your mouth! At least once a day you crack me up with one of your remarks. You're quick to say "actually" and "probably". When I'm feeding Kaitlyn you usually inform me that, "She's probabee thirsty."
Yesterday in the car you pleaded, "I'm actually weely hungwe!" We were dropping a DVD off at McDonalds, and when you heard Daddy say "McDonalds" you corrected him, "Dat's not Old McDonald!" (That's your favorite song of late, and according to you all sorts of strange creatures live at Old McDonald's farm.)
While playing with with your dollhouse on Christmas Day you set the Mommy doll on the table and firmly demanded, "Mommy, get off the table. Mommy, get off the table. Mommy, get off the table." Apparently you've heard that request one too many times.
A few weeks ago our family was getting ready to head out the door. You began darting from bedroom to bedroom exclaiming, "Oh! I almost forgot one thing! Oh! I almost forgot one thing!" I asked you what you'd forgotten, but you couldn't muster up an answer. I suspect you've also heard that phrase from me all too often.
Yesterday I left the kitchen to get Kaitlyn out of bed. A few minutes later you tumbled up the stairs carrying (and spilling) my hot chocolate. You proudly announced, "I brought you your hot chocwat! It's a widdle hot!" You then searched for Daddy to exclaim, "I brought Mommy's hot chocwat! I brought it!" You'd pulled a chair from the table over to the counter, and climbed up on it to reach my drink. What a helpful girl you are. In similar fashion, this morning while I ate my dry cereal you proudly--and by your own self-will--brought me a spoon. Thanks, Kiddo.
Once you'd tucked a blanket around yourself and Kaitlyn, and when I picked her up you scowled, "Hey! Dat's my baby. Put 'er back!"


The past two months have brought a fair amount of changes to our family.

• I've potty trained you. It was a rough few days, and we still have our share of accidents, but overall the process went smoother than I'd expected. You were definitely ready to take that jump. I bribed you with chocolate chips and mini marshmallows, and we sat on the toilet reading lots and lots of books ALL. DAY. LONG.
• We now have a pass to the Children's Museum, and we've taken you several times. You love it and often ask to "Go to museum a day?" You also love the library and often ask to visit. Any day I run errands you ask to, "go one more store?", and you have high hopes of someday going to the Panda Bear store (Panda Express).
  

• You love your cousins, especially Meg and Bethany because of all the attention they both give you.
• You are Kaitlyn's protector. You'll often inform me that "Kaitlyn's cryin'", and you insist on peeking in at her crib before naps and bedtime. The last words you tell us as you're laying down are always, "Kaitlyn close 'er eyes?"
• Once I stayed home from church with Kaitlyn. When Daddy picked you up from nursery at the end of church you demanded, "Where's my mommy!? I WANNA FIND MY MOMMY!" I beamed when Daddy recounted the incident, but the next week when you were asking for your daddy, I realized that I'm not always #1 in your book!
• You love movies, books, coloring (especially with markers), babies, cuddling under blankets, animals, singing, lollipops, chicken pot pie, hot chocolate, ice cream, oatmeal, edemame, cereal, sitting on Mommy or Daddy's lap at mealtimes, and playing with friends. You don't like getting your hair fixed, naps, or sharing.
• You enjoyed getting presents and eating candy canes on Christmas, but you weren't too sure about Santa Claus.
  

You are a sweet, and fun and full of energy. I love you. Please keep giving me those big hugs at bedtime.

Love,
Mom