We've had a mostly normal week. The kids have gone to school, I've gone to lots and lots of doctor appointments, and we've enjoyed having Andrea extend her visit for a few weeks. Last week I had to have a tooth pulled (the same tooth I had the root canal performed on this summer). It was reinfected for the 4th time this year, despite the root canal, and the antibiotics failed to get all of the infection, so the periodontist said it was time to just get it out. The endodontist agreed. And out it came.
It was a bit of a relief to have that decision made, and the extraction went well. The aftermath, however, has been awful. :( I developed a dry socket (of course, because it always seems like there have to be complications), and all I can tell you is, if you ever have a tooth pulled--do your very best NOT to develop dry socket. It meant two extra trips to the dentist to have the socket medicated and packed, and lots and lots of pain killers this week. Ugh.
Also, as a result of the extraction I developed 4 mouth sores. Not unusual. I almost always develop mouth sores after dentist appointments these days. But they are in many ways as painful as the dry socket, so the dentist advised me to stay on soft foods for another week, and drink a protein shake every day. Hopefully, everything will start to heal up and feel better!
I also went to the ENT this week due to a sore in my nose that won't heal, and found out that I have an ulcer in my nose. My doctor said it's similar to the ones in my mouth, and no one is really sure what causes them. It could be my weakened immunity, it could be stress, it could be other things. Hopefully I'll be able to get the medicine he prescribed (currently having some pharmacy drama) and get that healing process on the move.
As a result of the mouth sores which have been really awful for several months now, I've had a lot of blood tests and other doctor/dentist/oral surgeon visits to try to figure out what to do about them and hopefully prevent them. But the answers are all the same. The blood work is normal, and there is no obvious cause for the sores. I finally decided to try a therapist and see if perhaps stress could be the culprit.
I've been going to both a therapist and a psychiatrist for about a month or so now, and I've been taking some anti-anxiety medications. Obviously, it hasn't improved the mouth sores. Also, I've been very "weepy" since being on the medicine. Instead of being anxious, I'm depressed. My doctors are working to figure out a different option for me, since this medicine isn't doing quite what we'd hoped.
It's kind of frustrating right now. I feel like one big experiment, with no conclusive results yet. But, in my good moments and on my good days, I do feel hopeful that something will work out from all of this. I'm not sure why I'm sharing all of this in a blog post, except it's been something I've been thinking about a lot lately. My therapist has encouraged me to write down a lot of my thoughts and feelings, and I think by acknowledging all of this in a public way, I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay to admit I'm not okay.
I don't really like to tell people I'm not okay. I'd rather just smile and say everything is fine, because overall, we are. We have a nice home, Erik has a good job, we have a supportive ward and some really wonderful neighbors and friends. Our children go to a good school, with supportive and experienced teachers. I have a visiting teacher that is an angel on this Earth. Between us, Erik and I belong to two really great families. Our life is really good. But sometimes it's also really hard. And I guess it's okay that it's both of those things.
Since it's Thanksgiving this week, I'm going to list some (really obvious) parts of my life that I am grateful for:
1) My Savior. I've been dealing with a great deal of pain lately, and a great deal of unknowns, and I haven't been finding a great deal of peace in my life of late. But, I had an experience a couple of weeks ago where I just felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude. It was during the adult session of stake conference, actually. Erik sent me, and stayed home with the kids, and it was a wonderful experience to sit through a meeting without children, and just really listen and take it all in. And while I don't know that I would describe the overall feeling I came away with as peaceful like I'd hoped, I did come away with an enormous sense of gratitude. For a lot of things, but mostly for my Savior. I know He knows what I'm going through, and while He isn't taking away the challenge, He is there to help me survive it.
2) Erik. I haven't been the easiest person to live with for the last while. I've been having crazy mood swings that have even me questioning who is inhabiting my body?!?! But Erik has been there through it all. He doesn't always know how to help me, and he can't fix it, but he is a calm, steady presence that I really rely on. I am so thankful for him.
3) My kids. Ginny prayed tonight that I wouldn't be so mad at them. It's always humbling to hear prayers like that. I hope my kids remember more about me than just the grumpy parts someday, because I really am grateful for them, and so glad I am their mother. We have been having more rough days than good ones lately, and I hope that changes soon. They are such confident, friendly, energetic, sweet, cuddly, crazy (often sassy and mischievous and noisy and overwhelming) little beings, and I truly am grateful for them.
4) Andrea. I am so glad she came to visit. And I am so glad she decided to extend. She has been a light for me lately. Someone to talk to, and someone to break up the shadows during the day. It's the first time she and I have lived together in our adult lives, and I am so glad for my baby sister and the relationship I have with her. She is a good example to me, and so patient and willing to help out however she can. I don't know if she and I will ever get another opportunity to spend this kind of quality time together, so I am grateful that we have the chance now.
5) The rest of my family. I love each and every one of my family members. My parents, and Erik's. Our brothers and sisters. Our nieces and nephews, both born and unborn. Our grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. I am grateful to be a member of these wonderful families.
6) My New York family. (Tiffany, that includes you.) I could not have survived 8 years in this city without all of you. Thank you for being my family away from my family.
7) My ward family. They are incredible people. We had our primary program today, and I felt such love for those that serve in the primary. My boys have had an incredibly good experience in primary this year thanks to the service of two of the best primary teachers ever, and I just hope they know the great impact they have had on all of our family thanks to their efforts. We have a wonderful ward.
I could go on about many other things I am grateful for. I find it interesting that the first 7 items on my list are all people. It really is the people in my life that make it such a good life. (The "things" help, and I'm certainly grateful for temporal blessings like Erik's job and my home and food and clothes and all that. But it really is the people.)
And since you made it all the way to the end of this very long and rambling and (hopefully) therapeutic blog post, here are some pictures for you to enjoy:
