Revisiting history

Reading history scans early one morning as curiosity got a hold of my restlessness

I come to terms with a sad realization of how consumed I was by all the wrong things

My emotional demands caused our friendship to whither and my expectations were strictly idealistic 

Only one side of the street grew traffic, the other felt obliged

And I spent all these years blaming him, when I should have been pointing the wrong at myself.

Lesson learned today. I'm not going down that road again.  

bike concerns

The child screeched his bike tires to break
but it all failed him as he tumbled over
I thought I heard an angry yell
but it was purely of concern
as a blue car screeched his tires to break
merely to see if the fallen child was okay
I couldn't believe the loudness of sincerity
from that stranger who involved himself
putting his life on hold to see if another was all right
I witnessed love right there
that all seemed to ding a familiar tune
back in the days of my growing youth
of a man I admired whole heartedly that I left confused.

Patience

We've been told by hundreds to wait, 

to yield,

please hold,

the routine gives an immediate response,

for we are taught that reward in the caution,

is bearing witness to what could have been,

the dangers,

the tolls,

regretted words,

it can all be taken back for there was patience in the process.

But never have I loathed patience in it's current staggering state right now,

because my eager eyes foretell of such beautiful truths I wish to embrace right now.

I have never allowed those visions to be wrong,

for no one has challenged me to break that patience.

And so I wait, I yield, I hold...

.... but not doing so out of routine,

doing so because I've learned to love. 

Fields of Gold

subway

I enjoy sitting in a manner that faces everyone and everything,
my earbuds in but faint attention to its sound,
constantly looking and searching for connections,
and when I gaze, sometimes a right smile is returned
just big enough to not hold as any threat.

Nights are my favourite,
the city comes alive,
the hooligans, the drunks,
the rare dog who notices my observation of adoration

....but tonight, I could barely lift my gaze up
I didn't have the courage to look at anyone,
not even slightly by the mirror image,
there was no curiosity, no acknowledgment,
I cuddled myself in that corner with a tilted head
and watched the ground blacks turn to different shades
one, then two weighted down my cheeks
and then a shiver came over me like you were speaking to me.
It was then I knew, I could not face my truths.
That was why I failed to look at anyone
Because I knew the moment someone saw me,
everything I was thinking and feeling
would become true.

in head or ahead

Unsettling last couple of nights, eventual rest in the most uncomfortable of ways.

In the bleak mid morning, nothing is laid to rest as my thoughts run rapid repeating:
"he's going to break you, he's absolutely no good. 
 he'll find ways to forsake you, just like he should."

how I allowed you to enter,
only past can tell,
I kneel and beg Him for mercy,
 to calm this dreadful spell.

The fear will never leave you, if you give it a name, 
stop imagining its visits, and put it to shame.

Time to return

I should have saved everything I did with the template I worked on for over a decade but decided all the frills and fluff wasn't needed. I merely needed the space to vent out my inner most thoughts that very few would eventually end up reading. So voila, I have come back from the dead of heartache but I'm certain I will still post pains as they help heal. Bare with me as I bare it all.