change

I've been home for over a week,
and I feared the numbers but I finally weighed in.
I am currently at the highest # I've ever been in my life.
It's disgusting that I let the weeks fly without caring,
but I need to do something about this.

My goal for April 5th is to shed those numbers.
He will give me strength to carefully care for myself,
not to indulge nor become consumed by figure but by health.

This is my determination.
I will change. I will blossom.
I will learn to love myself.

huangs

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!


Chez Ivanita's. I love my family.

success

Yay! The Fund-raiser concert was a success!

I helped raise $36,000 for MCBC's building project by singing an in-concert recital! It was so delightful to see so many familiar faces in the audience when I got up there. Quite frankly, it freaked me out to see so many people crammed into the sanctuary. It was nuts! I think there were over 400+ there - uh, FIRE HAZARD! ha.

Anyway, some nice surprises (this is mainly for my mother to know, btw) Aunty Pauline and Uncle Andrew were there. They saw the advertisement and recognized my face, so they jumped the chance to buy tickets. They were so supportive. I don't think they've ever heard me sing in-recital before. Then there was my adorable Yu family. Evan and Carol greeted me immediately after my performance with a GORGEOUS bouquet of flowers. I think my mother told me they were planning on coming, but it must have slip my mind cause I was so thrilled to see them all. Aunty Maria was so proud; it was good to see her so content.

obsession

In the last 24 hours,
I have become obsessive over image.
Each time I look in the mirror,
I discover something new, something different
but it's still shameful,
to the point where I don't feel comfortable working out in public.
So I do it at home.

My abdominals feel like they're bleeding right now
because I have visited my yoga mat 3 times today,
pushing myself to higher rep numbers and making my muscles work.
You know how they say, it's a 'GOOD BURN' when there's pain?
Oh, it burns all right... but the pain goes right to my head.
And this little man in my head keeps insisting I need to keep going.

Isabel's words on the importance of hydration has stuck with me,
and any chance I catch myself thinking about image,
I chug water from my Nalgene.
I've refilled it 5 times so far.
I visit the loo every other hour
and watch the urine become more transparent after each visit.

I have an addiction,
and I don't think I'll know how bad it is till I've achieved my goal.
And then, perhaps....
I will be happy?

life

Um.... yeah. I totally got screwed over.

But even though I'm not singing the solo anymore,
somehow I'm still commended for being a 'professional hero'.
Hrm.... still trying to wrap my head around that one.

Right now.
Honestly.
I feel like crap.
I went to Niagra last night.
I am never playing with luck again.

BUT! BUT! BUT!
I had a Q & A with Isabel Bayrakdarian...
WOW... SHE IS SO INSPIRING.
I went to see her live in recital on Thursday,
AND MY AMAZING PROF KIM BARBER, HOOKED UP A WLU ALUMNI SINGER TO SING WITH ISABEL.
WWWWWWWHAT?????!!
I KNOW! That's like saying,
"Oh hey, Yeah guess what? I'm singing in concert and sharing the stage with BEYONCE!"
SERIOUSLY. Isabel is that great of a name and singer in the opera world. GAH. I LOVE HER. (And for those of you who might know her, Erin Lawson sang w/Isabel - GAH! A mezzo! I have so much envyyyyyy!)


<--- Meeting Isabel at the Waterloo Entertain Centre for the Q&A. I look like I'm 16. I didn't wear any eye make-up that day. My bad.

So I didn't apply for teacher's college.
Quite frankly, I don't think it's time yet.
I know if take a year off singing and do TC,
I'll lose all it and performance ambitions will be thrown out the door.
I have to get my feet wet....

BUT WHERE???? GAH....
I'm actually VERY VERY THANKFUL (PG!) that I'm studying with my wonderful prof Kim and that we get along SOOOO well because she is an excellent networker and can hook me up with all these names from all over the map. I just have to decide WHERE on the map I'm interested. She highly recommends the UK. Hrm.... I don't know if I'll last. But I should try it first before I judge it. Germany was a dream once, but I think it's come and gone. States has soooo many opportunities, but also ranks as the most $$$$$$. I need some kind of scholarship. I need to find a sugahdaddie to sponser me.

I end off with a few of my favourite pics. Feel free to leave a caption.
It was like the battle of the divas. Colortura Soprano vs. the Dramatic Mezzo.

requiem

WOW. Sometimes things go your way. Or is it HIS WAY?

I auditioned for the Requiem solo,
and didn't get it - lost it to some older new comer from Russia.
A month later,
she becomes ill and cannot sing due to her sore tonsils.
!*(_!@*&!*&(!*&*!&@ ....
So there's a high possibility,
I'm singing the solo now.

Wow.

Now I'm screwed.
Because I left all my nice diva-clothes at home.

CONCERT's THIS SATURDAY/SUNDAY - Ha, I guess I'm not coming home (YET AGAIN) now.
___________________

I know what my problem is.
my mouth is never satisfied,
constantly wanting more,
not even hungry,
but it longs to taste.
ODD much? Yes. But this is my new problem.
________________________

Thanks to those beautiful ones who commented to encourage.
I am deeply touched.
Thank you from my heart.

i feel disguisting all the time.
i've had this problem before in high school,
but it was no major crisis.
i approached the problem,
figured a way to better my life,
got rid of most of it,
then i was just fine.
i got by.
never thought of it again...
until a comment was made by an immature boy.
then it bothered me again.
but i found a way not to care,
and so i continued on with life
and i was actually happy.
not satisfied, but just..
happy.
it wasn't pretty by the end of the fall.
i've somehow managed to escape all that during my college years.
i got away with murder with the conditions i was in.
i stopped caring and it started to show again.
so i was back to where i was six years prior.
i always thought about it,
but never dealt with it to the extremities i did in high school.
everything seemed so much harder now than then.
before, i accomplished my goal in 6 months,
and in that same time, i barely even did half that.
so i gave up, and then it didn't matter anymore.
but now.... now is where i face it head on.
everything fits, but i don't feel good.
i make goals, and break them with this problem.
it's become of me.
i'm not overdoing anything,
but each bite feels like i battle i've lost.
i can't even look at the mirror anymore.
it indulges me to stare at its repulsiveness.
i used to care and measure the numbers,
but now, for the first time
i actually fear getting on that scale.
i've lost my tape measure.

Susan Sontag

I've been working on a paper on the views of Susan Sontag and photography.
I only have half a day left, but I can't stop researching and googling images of her life and other related things. I'm definitely making this paper personal.

Susan Sontag is incredibly inspiring, her objectives, her thoughts, her words.
She may be every photographer's worst enemy... but I couldn't care less.
I respect what she has to say.
I would have liked to have met her.

Looking at violence is like looking at the sun. To just look at the sun is destructive. You must protect yourself. To look at violence you must wrap yourself in something. You can look abliquely, briefly, for educational purposes. But just to look is wrong. The word perversion," I realized recently, can slip into a new word --"per-vision" -- very easily.

My beautiful friend Ashley recently got me hooked on Kurt Elling, after mentioning my obsession with Mel Torme. And whilst falling in love with these sensational skattin' and gorgeous tone voices, I couldn't help but wonder.

WHY ISN'T THERE JAZZ KaRaoKe?

Wouldn't that be SOMETHING? I think it would be a HUGE hit; like a new movement in pop culture. Granted, not everyone can sing jazz well but I think it's a step-up from all that contemporary crap people are forced to sing when they hit the karaoke bars of today.

And there could be skat-competitions. MAN! I'd love to give a go at that. I've always wondered how I developed my skatin' abilities but I honestly think it's just something within you. It's not necessarily something practiced. Just like rhythm - you either got it, or not.

Ooh... and how about LIVE jazz musicians waiting to play your song at these Jazz Karaoke bars? Oh... that would definitely be for the high-enders. I'd imagine there being a cut-list - there's just no kidding around when you're dealing with jazz . I know there are no strict rules in jazz improvisation, but there's a distinct line between good and bad aesthetically . You just know.

montreal

So if you didn't know, I went to Montreal over the weekend.

I sang with the Laurier Singers in this wonderful church on some rue. Loved the acoustics and the concert was recorded with CBC Radio.

I could rant and rage about how ridiculous the other choirs were with their respect and maturity but I'm over it now. Being in professional choirs for over 17 years now, I've been spoiled with superb colleagues who almost never give me beef. But this was the one experience I consider "suffering" - how I've held my tongue TOO many times during that weekend, simply because I did not want to become what they were. I hate how negativity makes me angry and bitter. *Shaking it off*

ANNNNNYWAY...I had a FABULOUS week of partying, singing, and celebration. It was Keith's birthday and we definitely went buck Saturday night; it even involved our choral conductor Lee which was entertaining to say the least. Who knew people are so honest when they're drunk, ha!

More photos can be found on my photoblog.
__________________

If you want to see most of my adventures, add me on facebook.

blegh

So. I've had a hard week.

Is there anything I can do to change that?
No.
Do I wish I wasn't the person I am today?
Yes.
And I continue to carry on as if it's routinal,
as if it's the only thing I know.

i promised myself never to love the way i once did but the cruelty of my mind lets it wander
and somehow i end up giving in:
to the cheapest of cowards, the most brute of lads, the ones who crush you to pieces - and all this, for what?

i show a face not to care but deep down it brings me bare to the bones,
there's no rage, no sadness... only self pity because i have wasted what's left of my youth on him.

dove commerical

I love this commericial.
I love the content.
I love the message.

Ironically, I live on feeding images through my editing screen to produce images which are altered. I'll admit to that. I'm photoshop queen. But if it can enhance an image better, why not? Perhaps I live on lies and build self-esteems with images that are contraversially unreal but something about the supernatural on print fascinates me.

Does that mean I believe we, as human beings should be walking freaks of this earth, to change ourselves to perfection? No. I leave that to the thrill and joys of Photoshop to give one the perception of what they could POSSIBLY look like. I find humour in that.

barb party

To make up for the week my voice prof was gone to do an opera gig, we had a 2 hour class followed by a dinner party chez elle. And to think, only kilometers away from my crap apartment lies this beautiful 1940's home. I felt a little embarrassed taking pictures at her home, as if I were paparazzi (because she's quite the name, amongst many well established singers at the Canadian Opera Company) but I'm a sucker for beaufiful homes and I found one!

I looooooooooove bay windows. It is a must for my future home. That, and tall balconies. Kim's sassy little 10-year old Alice is raking the leaves playing with wonderful season of fall.



The GORGEOUS kitchen... I love how it looks at the neighbours craving ivy. It's not overwhelming; I think it's naturistically perfect.



My senior gals, Beth and Sah during wine and conversation stories. Beth's not in our Barber vocal studio but she came as Sarah and my date. Sarah has her right side, I take Beth's left. lol



Our BEFORE and AFTERS.
We got a little crazy with my camera but it was all jokes. Jess/Kim are doing before-after shots of self-esteem. As you can see, Jess is clearly in love with herself in the after-shot. Sah/I/Jess are doing substance abuse/addict shots.

3am woes

i don't even know who i am

sometimes i hate myself so much,
i don't recognize the pieces i've shattered
formed into this cruel thing that deserves no meaning
taken for granted like a human being.
________

It's those days when I cause attention to myself,
and I think back on what was said
and wonder if it was worth the popularity.
It's not a likable factor,
infact, I think people are near out of fear
that they will be victims of my words.

I don't want to be that person.

_______

There are a few people I see on a regular basis.
They aim so hard to please. But this is not their attitude with everyone.
I feel like it often happens with me.
Perhaps it's an intimidation factor, or how I'm positioned in faculty,
but regardless - it bothers me to no end.
I'm talking about excessive apologies and an overbearring observation of my surroundings, always finding ways to eavesdrop on my conversations and finding any means to get themselves involved.... then finding ways to compliment me, and then of course being apologetic for interrupting anything I was currently doing. GAHHHH it's just too much!

I'm not sure what makes me more irritated;
a.) how this behavior makes me annoyed because it basically puts a division in social classes (eg. having them speak to me as if they're 'not worthy' makes it look like they see me in some higher diva complex.)
b.) how some don't understand that not everyone will like you, therefore you do NOT have to do something wrong to offend another; sometimes it's just a preference or bad chemistry.
c.) how I even see negativity in all this.

Does anyone else experience suffer with this kind of treatment/behavior? I feel almost awkward sharing this.... maybe because it sounds like I'm stating I'm so popular a la cool and have problems with peers who are in admiration, but it's really not about that. I question why people fear me. I know I come off as a strong-front but all this excessiveness to win my approval is overwhelming. What does it matter what I think? Why can't you be your own self and make your own decisions without involving me into the factor? At the same time, I'm not going to be brash and shut them out. That may resolve my issue of them constantly in my face, but it doesn't help anything if they feel the need to hate me.

Gah... some days, I'd rather be forgotten, than even talked about at all.

convo

Random Convo of the Week.

One of many convos with Kdawg that crack me up.

After disclosing his brother's wedding date next year (which is only a week away from my own brother's wedding date!)...

erica (1:16 AM):
do you know what your role is in the wedding? usher? ring bearer. HAHAH
can you imagine? bhahah a fully grown man being a ring bearer?

Proteinz (1:16 AM):
omgoshhh
ok i was like ring bearer as a kid...did like 4 of them

erica (1:16 AM):
haha but that's because you were probably a pretty cute kid. nobody picks unattractive kids to be ring bearers

Proteinz (1:17 AM):
i jus wanted the presents
lol

erica (1:17 AM):
LOLOL
what/? PRESENTS? I didn't get that when i was flower girl
the best i probably got was candy yo

Proteinz (1:17 AM):
lol...u mustve been second rate
i was like super star...lol

erica (1:17 AM):
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
SUPER STAR> LOL. like A-list? lol
you're too much. ohhhhhh mannn

Proteinz (1:17 AM):
yo...kids these days dont even know how to walk down the aisle

erica (1:17 AM):
HAHAHA I KNOW EH? what happened? our caliber of kids for weddings went DOWN...

Proteinz (1:18 AM):
they all go fast and no discipline
they all walk down like they gotta go get candy or something

erica (1:18 AM):
NO discipline
I'm laughing soo hard right now b/c it's ALL TRUE hahahahah

Proteinz (1:18 AM):
i was pure timed to the musical note
each step

erica (1:18 AM):
LMAO. i bET you were.
9LMAO);lkasjf;lkjasdlfk

Proteinz (1:19 AM):
i was such a winner...i got kites and kool stuff

erica (1:19 AM):
KITES??? WHUT?
yo, your mom must have PAID ppl to ask you to be ring bearer

Proteinz (1:19 AM):
no guy
i was in high demand

So in conclusion, Kdawg's a WINNER. A super star winnnnnah.

Male Restroom Etiquette

FREAKING HILARIOUS

YOU MUST WATCH.
Male, Female, Trannies...
I wish there was one for women,
because I believe there to be etiquette rules and regulations.

nghaib00ners

I love these pictures Mike took of Nghai, Me and Sy.



This shot has me on the floor laughing. NEV and SY's Nghai's are GOOOOOLD. TOO GOOD.



Sleek and Cheeky. These were taken in August, the day before I left for Germany. It was my first time at NTcbc and it was a pleasure serving on their worship team doing piano and vocals.

funnydaddy

My Daddio's hilarious.



I went to Missi to visit my relatives, that includes Kaedan and Evan! I've only seen Kaedan twice since his birth. It was such a treat to seem all and eat at the dinning table, as we do every year for special holidays. For those who really know my father, that's his usual funny face. I'm so happy I got it on film. I don't usually have a camera at hand when it happens. Kaedan just looks back and stares at him, as if my father has the intentions to steal his food. Muhahah... too cute.

For more pictures, go to my photoblog.

jpday

Just like old times...

My lovely JP's in town for the week before he goes off to Deutschland for a year. So obvious we went to none other than the Huether for dinner (our regular joint for afterparties, post-concerts and opera.) Sometimes there doesn't need to be an event to chill at the Huether. We just love their beer and food too much. And it's convenient close to the WLU hood. They had a new Raspberry Ale that totally sold out earlier than expected (arghhh), so we settled for Honey Brown which was still amazing. JP has got to be the greatest company EVER. I love him too much and it breaks my heart that we girls had to say g'bye to our favourite lady. I almost teared while we shared our last chicken wing platter together. Luckily for me, I still get him for one more meal (breakfast!) so it's not quite 'the last supper'.

Us opera folk... being goofy as usual, outside the Huether Hotel.

I'm still trying to adapt to JP's new hair colour. (I'm just used to the ditzy blonde mit highlights.) Sah's hair was extra volumous that day; loves the diva hair, and Ange was pulling a Gwen Stefani; hawt shades. (I want those in red.) It kills me how blunt Beth is about us being hawt in comparison to the 'immaturites' you find at our pubs and clubs. She's great. So profess'n looking all the time and struting her shedded 20 pounds....(oh, the envy I have!)

After dessert and Grey's Anatomy at Beth/Sah's (OMG McSTEAMY?!?!), we threw back some good tequila rose and JAB oddly managed to look like each other. Then, it was off to the Silver Spur - the biggest hick joint in town. We didn't get a chance to belt anything out on stage cause it was packed but we didn't need to. It was all the more fun hearing drunken idiots sing out of tune. Since everyone looked like I babysat them last week, there were no drinks to be bought by any lads. Guys don't buy ladies drinks anymore. Especially when they look 12. It's just wrong. I wouldn't even accept their offer.

4 germans

Other than the common, "How was Germany???", many ask about pictures.
Sadly, I won't be publishing any major albums online since I'll giving them as gifts this year. But my email has been loaded with awesome emails and links in regards to my trip. I met an awesome trumpet player who made me pee with his photos online. He really captured how ridiculously fun the tour was.

Anyway, I'll leave you with some photographic shots I took during my European travels. There weren't many great models in the choir (I don't mean by beauty, but ones who were willing to pose and play with the lens) but I managed to get some shots I think are worth noting.
__________



The Four Germans The only Germans in the choir. They crack me up. I love their humour. Tobias on the bottom right corner ESPECIALLY.

vincente

Charming Vincente at the top of town in Konstanz. It was so muggy and rainy that afternoon but it was worth climbing the 250+ church steps to see the view.

abstract

Abstract Birgit. I was taking a shot of Elaina when the orchestra was rolling in backstage but Birgit interrupted the shot. I didn't edit it because I love it the way it is. I like how it looks like her left boob moved less than the rest of her upper body.

inseparable

Inseparable. I absolutely adore Sebastian the timpanist. He's such a well-rounded character. Here he is chatting up a storm with his good friend Eva, the double bassist.

lucern steps

Lucern Stairs. There was this insanely narrow shaft of stairs to get to each floor for the choir's dressing room. The moment I laid eyes on it, I knew I had to shoot it. Kudos to Patty for taking this beautiful shot on my camera.

lucern steps 2

Another view. This is from the entrance.

christine steps

No gravity can bring her down. Christine and her awesome acrobatics.

Fenced Shaft

Fencing of Lucern. With the P-shaft in the middle of the frame. haha. I still find it odd how Lucern's signature is that big shaft in the water.

CKpose

The CK-inspired pose. I love the early 90's Klein ads. This is one of my trademark poses in a long-angeled fashion. Christine's great; so natural.

hot dog

HOT DAWG. It's so bloody expensive in Switzerland. And that's 4.80 FRANCS.

eberjump

Eber-jump. I had the vision to shoot this using my own body with a shawl, but Christine did I much better job with her aerials and getting movement across.

ulie

 

Oh, Ullie. I am so in love with this handsome stud. Even him just posing makes me quiver of good chills. Maybe it's a gay thing to pose well.

prost

Prost! One of my favourite nights at the Wine Festival with orchestra friends. Somehow I ended up standing on the table gaining a lot of recognition for my big singing pipes. I out sang about 30 drunk-happy germans by an upright piano. It was so fun. Perhaps I'll explain further in another blog post. Anyway, this is Sebastian and I prosting our fresh Chardonay Wines.

tübingen

Canadians in Tübingen. I didn't see Anna Adler, but definitely got to see quite a bit of culture! I love the classic German building structures.

bad urbach

Sometimes it's nice to be 'Bad'. Andrejus and I spent our free 45 minutes before Rilling's downbeat walking and talking around this cute little town. We found a lot of little finds exploring as far as we could.

steelgrapes

Steel Grapes in Bad Urach. I really liked this design. A catchy, pretty sign for a Restaurant/Winery.

tumorfish

TuMORfish. If you look carefully, you'll see a big tumor-like thing on the poor fish's forehead.

monkey

Silly Gorilla. He was so cute and quite the attention whore.

bear

 

Bear Hug? The bear came RIGHT at me from a far. He probably thought I had food.

polar

He's playing Lazy Lions. So cute. And it was such a hot day in the zoo.

aerial jump

High jump in the Garden. Another one of Christine's fab jumps. I got that shot in one go.

stripes

Germany's fashion this year. STRIPES STRIPES STRIPES. And I can't say I love it (for myself at least). It was all stripes and polkadots, black/greys/whites. Clean and simple.

miss these most

I miss him most.


[The only one who understood me most; bonded better than sisters...]

Quite frankly, if I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn't.
The previous years in Germany were BEEEEEYOND AMAAAAAZING, that I should have known better than to think that ANYTHING could top last years. Or even my first year in 2003 with my infatuation for Mahler. But that's not to say I will sulk and groan because I made some awesome friends but more importantly, I got to see my little fairy sister again. We are no longer the Williams sisters since I sucked in badminton during Uberlingen, so now he calls me 'Kourrrrnikova' but I refuse to flaunt my arse around the court so he changed it to 'Sharapova' which turned for the better since she's waaay better looking (in my opinion) and totally pwned the US OPEN.

So my last month overseas was good, but if there's no Aoife, no Jens, no Jan.. it simply isn't worth it.

But I'll say, this trip was worth it for Mozart's music. Some movements still give me chills just thinking about certain stanzas. Definitely kicked Bach's arse in my opinion.

end of FES06

And so it's done.
My journey, my ambitions there.
I parted with it, and said a final goodbye.
_________

Not much on the offical site,
but here's me giving a speech for Cathy,



And later, checking out the photo with the gang.