Revisiting history

Reading history scans early one morning as curiosity got a hold of my restlessness

I come to terms with a sad realization of how consumed I was by all the wrong things

My emotional demands caused our friendship to whither and my expectations were strictly idealistic 

Only one side of the street grew traffic, the other felt obliged

And I spent all these years blaming him, when I should have been pointing the wrong at myself.

Lesson learned today. I'm not going down that road again.  

bike concerns

The child screeched his bike tires to break
but it all failed him as he tumbled over
I thought I heard an angry yell
but it was purely of concern
as a blue car screeched his tires to break
merely to see if the fallen child was okay
I couldn't believe the loudness of sincerity
from that stranger who involved himself
putting his life on hold to see if another was all right
I witnessed love right there
that all seemed to ding a familiar tune
back in the days of my growing youth
of a man I admired whole heartedly that I left confused.

Patience

We've been told by hundreds to wait, 

to yield,

please hold,

the routine gives an immediate response,

for we are taught that reward in the caution,

is bearing witness to what could have been,

the dangers,

the tolls,

regretted words,

it can all be taken back for there was patience in the process.

But never have I loathed patience in it's current staggering state right now,

because my eager eyes foretell of such beautiful truths I wish to embrace right now.

I have never allowed those visions to be wrong,

for no one has challenged me to break that patience.

And so I wait, I yield, I hold...

.... but not doing so out of routine,

doing so because I've learned to love. 

Fields of Gold

subway

I enjoy sitting in a manner that faces everyone and everything,
my earbuds in but faint attention to its sound,
constantly looking and searching for connections,
and when I gaze, sometimes a right smile is returned
just big enough to not hold as any threat.

Nights are my favourite,
the city comes alive,
the hooligans, the drunks,
the rare dog who notices my observation of adoration

....but tonight, I could barely lift my gaze up
I didn't have the courage to look at anyone,
not even slightly by the mirror image,
there was no curiosity, no acknowledgment,
I cuddled myself in that corner with a tilted head
and watched the ground blacks turn to different shades
one, then two weighted down my cheeks
and then a shiver came over me like you were speaking to me.
It was then I knew, I could not face my truths.
That was why I failed to look at anyone
Because I knew the moment someone saw me,
everything I was thinking and feeling
would become true.

in head or ahead

Unsettling last couple of nights, eventual rest in the most uncomfortable of ways.

In the bleak mid morning, nothing is laid to rest as my thoughts run rapid repeating:
"he's going to break you, he's absolutely no good. 
 he'll find ways to forsake you, just like he should."

how I allowed you to enter,
only past can tell,
I kneel and beg Him for mercy,
 to calm this dreadful spell.

The fear will never leave you, if you give it a name, 
stop imagining its visits, and put it to shame.

Time to return

I should have saved everything I did with the template I worked on for over a decade but decided all the frills and fluff wasn't needed. I merely needed the space to vent out my inner most thoughts that very few would eventually end up reading. So voila, I have come back from the dead of heartache but I'm certain I will still post pains as they help heal. Bare with me as I bare it all.

NYEpast2

A huge sigh of relief.
And just like that, the chapter has finally closed.
All the demons, all the pagan ideals have ended.
I can stop chasing the shadows which taunt me,
I can walk head high and not worry who follows,
I know better and will do better.
I no longer feel chained to its past,
and have a clearer understanding for what's to come.
I can rejoice in this truth because I've been shown better.
Bring me to the light, my eyes will manage,
Lead me to that path, where all is rightly granted.
I'll DO more, I'll BE more,
no more holding back in fear.
Thank you for revealing yourself to me.

drice

"So why'd you sing Hallelujah,
if it means nothing to ya,
So why'd you sing with me at all?"

This cover is long overdue.

But everytime I start it, I can never get through it...
...it holds true to how others have hurt me, time and time again.

nohollerback

Sometimes you have to be so humbled,
so broken, so weak, before you can fully comprehend the true meaning of rejoice again.

Ff

If only I could forgive you as fast as you have forgotten me.

hurdle

It's always a struggle to get over that hurdle,
even if you want to cheat and crawl under,
you know you never made it through.

I don't know how one's suppose to get over it,
when it faces you everyday and greets you with a smile,
wanting the attention to be dealt with.

I've always managed to run away with it, finding other hurdles along the way,
none that could ever compare to the depth of difficulty,
and yet somehow I end up running in a circle, faced with the exact same hurdle.

So my question is, do I deal with it, or is my action-plan selfish and unproductive?
Am I really finding closure by confronting it, or am I playing with devil's fire?

howsoonhownow

How soon one can be forgotten,
as if everything in the recent past meant nothing.

wallsibuild

Have you ever been robbed of your reality? Where everything you thought to have been was just taken by the choice of another? This is why my walls grow taller.

walls

The walls I build, are never strong enough to stand.
So the question is, why do I bother?

What is more unveiling: truths or pain?
And why is the conclusion always the same?

patrickwatson

I knew a boy that was swallowed by the sky
By the flashing lights
I knew a man that got lost in the big dull blue
And came out alive

I knew a boy, I knew a man
Who looked a lot like you

I knew a time you could still stand and sigh
But the rushing by
I knew a place you can go where your head could explode
Into peace of mind

I knew a time, I knew a place
That felt a lot like you
I knew a boy, I knew a man
Who looked a lot like you

Just like you

I knew a friend that would hold on to the flames
Keep them from burning you
I knew a smile
I could see through all of the stars
That the world had thrown

I knew a smile, I knew a friend
That looked a lot like you
I knew a boy, I knew a man
Who looked a lot like you

guilt

I read the words as if they were fresh,
not intended to be revealed to me,
and I lose myself envisioning the moment your wrote the painful poetry.
Heavy burden lies upon my left chest as I'm moved by your unraveling thoughts.
I want so much to tell you of the many things I have seen and lived,
but more importantly how much I think of you and why I chose the path I did.

If only the silence could be broken and one would call.

spontaneity

Spontaneity

I realized today, that my whole adolescent life (granted, it's not done yet, God willing) has been based on spontaneity. Despite how meticulous I can be, and how freaking organized I am, things don't go as planned. Opportunities and amazing things come from far left field and hit me when least expected. Perhaps, that is what I have to be thankful for. His timing is humorous, almost never pushing me to the limit and always manageable, and I am grateful for the strength to press onwards.

My doubt is my fear and my fear is my doubt. With that aside and the determination that He will provide and I will prevail all obstacles under His care, I have to believe that what I am doing is right. It's too easy to quit now. I can always get the white picket fence and 2.5 kids later, right? Then again, I never wanted those things to begin with.

December was an all time low. I was discourage beyond belief and my situation was not the kind which was cut throat and a quick shove to the exit door. I didn't get into anything despite the connections and how hard I tried. And even worse, no one told me what I was doing wrong. No one told me to stop either. So I was stuck in the middle of road questioning what to do with my life.

Then January comes along, and one after one, things start to pop up and income is secured. I'm still living paycheck-to-paycheck but I'm thankful I have no debts! And sure enough the big kicker comes along today. I was granted to go to the UK on a $5,000 grant. Something I DID NOT apply for; merely given. I was already given this award in Dec '08 when I went to NYC (for the first time in 15 years) so this was COMPLETELY unexpected. I don't even know where to begin but I am overwhelmed with joy. God is good, all the time.

audthots

aud.thoughts.

Alas, doors open, and doors close. But it's never been shut.

It was too easy for me to give up and take a life of missions but I see the light to a brighter future, and though I may be living paycheck-to-paycheck, it's still a paycheck. And I'm forever thankful.

I have a huge audition tomorrow. One I did not apply for. If all goes well, the result is huge. As in, my first 5-figured paycheck. He really has interesting timing. I wonder why He's been so gracious. Sometimes I want to forfeit the whole ordeal and see what pans out. It is abuse? You betcha. And does He deserve it? No. I should... one should never depend on miracles. But I like playing with fire to see what the consequences are.

Anyway. I've grown. I've conquered. But it's this constant battle of how bad I want it. Maybe I'm in denial. Just like the potential 'interests' in my life. Always in denial. And that's another thing that holds me back. No one wants the black sheep. The undecided profession. The girl who 'sings' for a living. If they do, it's not genuine and/or completely temporary. Besides, I'm too much of a prude for those games. Will I ever know? Will I ever meet him? God only knows what I'd be without you.

impatient

I'm growing impatient.
I'd really like to know what city I should be in come next year. Gah.
I still don't know where I stand with my choices. But regardless of situation, in the end, my love for T.O. never fails.

On a random note:
It still stings where it shouldn't hurt.

strangers

Sometimes I wonder why I treat strangers better than the people I am faced with daily.

And I don't do it for a better lasting outcome. Adding to the list is the last thing I want. But maybe it's because I know it's temporary and it will affect someone without any commitment. Hrm.

what to do

For those who know me,
I'm struggling big time.

It's those times when you sit still, and wait upon an answer,
and feel like nothing but silence surrounds you,
and the silence isn't sufficient enough to find a focus - a certain voice,
to give a vision, and path, some glimmer of a sign.

It's the most difficult thing, having to wait upon Him and get an answer.
I have some of the biggest decisions of my life to make,
and I know not what to do.

I'd rather be in pain or strife, than to ping-pong the doubt and uncertainty that lingers in my mind. "Trust in the Lord, and lean not on your own understanding." I need to learn to stay still. Something tells me silence isn't enough. Say a prayer for me if you realize what I'm going through. Thx.

kleh in strat

This is K & I's version of "COOL".
Thumbs up, WAY UP for WSS in Stratford btw.

shuling

helped out a friend with a song he beautifully wrote for his thesis.

cheers.

JGL

CAN I JUST SAY.. and I realized this myself when I starred at my 1975 TV as I worked out, watching a commercial for 500 Days of Summer,

THAT JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT looks EXACTLY like HEATH LEDGER.

I couldn't be MORE on cloud 9 right now. That movie looks great. And what a soundtrack. I'm excited more than ever.

I can't get over how much Joseph has grown since 3rd Rock from the Sun.

Wow.

Amazing.

forgiveness

"I say I'm forgiving, but perhaps I haven't forgiven myself."

Excerpt taken from dating woes, June 2009.

secretwish

I feel like my life is complete.
After searching for almost a year,
I finally found my scent. My fragrance.
The smell that defines me.

ANNA SUI.
Secret Wish.

If only I had hundreds of dollars so I could bathe myself in the beautiful aroma.

death

I woke up this morning with terror in my eyes.

You know how people say when you dream of death, you come close but you never actually die? You fall off a building or bridge, which transitions into a swimming pool. You see the knife geared towards your torso and you clinch but you still continue to live in another scene.

Well, that didn't happen this time. And boy, was death on the mind. What's scarier was that I was willing to take my own life. It was completely by choice. I thought of various options, (and I care not to through divuldge into those details)... but then it happened. How odd.

After I came back from service tonight, it dawned on me that perhaps that death I was envisioning wasn't mine but that of Christ's. Hrm... perhaps symbolic?

*Shudder* I'm quite baffled but I don't think it helps to look into it further.

I'm frankly quite happy to be alive and saved through Him. I really can't count my blessings.

popples

So I was looking through some photos and found shots taken of what was lost in a terrible flooding accident that affected my basement when I was away in Germany a few years ago. My heart almost skipped a beat when I thought I saw in the plastic bag of piled of stuffed animals, my dearly beloved popple friend, PRIZE POPPLE. I ran down to the basement and retrieved her from my stuffed animal collection (that I've put in hiding since my current monkeys have taken over my bedroom).

Whilst cleaning my Prize Popple, the thought came to me: GO SEARCH it on UTUBE.

Low and behold, there are multiple vids. It was hard for me to find that hot-pink, white-haired PRIZE and then I found this commercial of the one my brother and I BOTH had! His blue one, named 'PC' seemed quite popular (as he existed in almost all of the POPPLES episodes but I was so thrilled to see them both.



And those kids are a bonus. So cute. That blonde girl is such a brat. Exactly depicts how I probably was like to my brother. haha

We both got ours in 1986, and the collection grew as we got older (we even had the pocket-sized popples), but I loved PRIZE the most. She's travelled all over the world with me, and her last trip was in Deutschland in 2003. Mind you, she looks NOTHING like the above photo, but it's only because she was soooo loved.

WHICH POPPLE DID YOU HAVE? I think only early 80's kids were down with this popples trend. They seriously need to bring 'em back.

latenight

i miss c-o-n-a-n. it's not nearly the same. jF needs to find a new job.
i actually don't mind "chelsea lately". women of that nature crack me up. even if the jokes the guests make are scripted the flow of that show is still cool beans.

obrien better hurry. i need my night-time comedy before bed.

blahblahblah

Here's my two cents on mockery.

No one should make negative comment or mock someone for something they cannot change. If someone wants to mock my weight or my flabby arms - go right ahead! Because that's my fault for being heavy with 'oprah' arms and with time, I can change. (Note: no one has made comment on either of the two mentioned directly or indirectly to me). But if you want to comment on my huge head or how big my eyes are and how unasianize they are in a mocking manner - that's just freaking uncalled for and racist. WHY? Because I cannot change those things. Have you ever heard of a head-reduction? Right. That's because they don't exist. So how constructive is commenting on it negatively in the first place?

Someone has bad character? Go right ahead. Yes, comment on that. Maybe they'll learn from it.

Someone is a terrible actor and moves like a limp hippo on stage? Yes, please. Comment. Humour my world, will ya? Because essentially an actor can learn to develope tools and be a better. He can CHANGE.

But don't bully your way into ridiculous comments on things I cannot change.

Oh, and btw: if I didn't initiate the 'asian' jokes, that gives one no right to start up a "chink" converstaion. You ever tried to start up the n-word with an African? My point, exactly.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.

I have more to say but for those who really know me, you know I'm typing this with a Brooklyn smile.
I'm not cussing, I'm not vexed. --I jus be sayin'--

foxlilly

GORGEOUS. If only these were engagement photos. I heart these two and the show LOST.

Tinnitus

I think I have it. It's this constant metallic ringing pitch on F4/F5 circulating on Major 3rd. It's always there, in my sleep, while I watch TV; from the solitary moments alone to over dinner conversations. I'm thankful it's not prominent in what I hear - a la, when I have rehearsals the ringing has been forgotten. But I have taken for granted the sound of peace. LITERALLY. *sigh*

I pray the day I wake in the morning, I hear nothing but air. NO PITCHES! gah.

hope's nY

I just got back from NYC and this simple song puts how I feel about it in a nutshell.

Leave Me In New York by Hope

See the light shine on the city, it’s morning now
There couldn’t be any more beauty in any other town
You’re dancing lights and endless nights
Everybody knows you never sleep
But you’re still beautiful to me
They say that if you make it here you make it anywhere
It’s gotta be the truth cause I’m not going anywhere
So leave me in New York, New York

Lady Liberty, you’re my shining star
I’m meet you in the garden after dark
And tell me all the stories
and how we got our freedom
And tell me how America was born
They say that if you make it here you make it anywhere
It’s gotta be the truth cause I’m not going anywhere
So leave me in New York, New York

They say that if you make it here you make it anywhere
It’s gotta be the truth cause I’m not going anywhere
Your dancing lights thrill me
And your endless nights amuse me
You’re still beautiful to me,
You’re still beautiful to me,
New York.

*sigh* I already miss it. Watch out NY, I'll be back!

tourtrip

I'm off to complete my ultimate dream!

Pls pray for:
1. Safety. I don't feel safe in *that* city.
2. General belongings of my things. Once again, safety.
3. Longevity of my digital camera. It's acting up and I want nothing more than for it to last me the end of this year. I'm prepared to go DSLR but not just yet.
4. That my eyes are opened to what possibilities this city may hold for my future.
5. All goes smoothly in air and landing. I'm not a fan of planes.

See you in a couple weeks!
I'll keep you posted.

intherain

It was a cold and rainy night,
I was walking east towards a high traffic intersection.
Usually I'd wear my phones and blare Radiohead,
but the business of the streets kept me preoccupied.
"Excuse me! Excuse me!" - Not yelled, just spoken out loud.
No taps on the shoulder but I could hear the gentle voice become louder in my right ear.
I turned. Gestured a head up with wide eyes.
"I just wanted to tell you.... I think you're really cute."
I didn't blush, I didn't budge. I meticulously read his face thinking I was being punk'd. My silence caused him to speak further.
"I saw you cross the street and just had to tell you."
I mildly smiled. "Well, thanks." And I immediately marched on forward towards the subway.

Having thought about it afterwards, there was so much I wanted to ask this man. I clearly wasn't interested (because I'm shallow, he was a hair too short for me. I have a 6 feet rule) but as I evaluate further, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. He was undoubtedly, very good looking and didn't give off a stalker-creep vibe. But I wanted to know if he spoke to strangers he was attracted to by habit and if there was a purpose in him doing so. Most people would have scoffed and told him to piss off but I had the feeling he just did it because he wanted women to feel good about themselves. He didn't ask for a phone number or tried to start something; he just wanted to pass on his honesty. Does that sound stupid?

If I wasn't in such a rush I probably would have asked for a name and understand his intentions of this random act, but definitely wouldn't have surrendered my #.

Why are women so skeptical of men? I know I am too often. Maybe this is something I need to change. Be less hard and more openly attentive.

undeserving

I am so undeserving of it all.

Why do good things continue to happen to me? I don't even ask for it, and it still happens for the betterment of everything. Do you ever feel that way?

I'm frankly baffled because I feel like I have done nothing different to deserve the rewards that have come my way. I live my busy life sometimes without even thinking - I forget to reflect, I fail to whisper his name - and yet, the good things come when least expected.

I almost feel... guilt. But in all honesty, that's not to say that I'm going to change things. Right now, my theme is HECTICNESS. I barely have a moment to just observe and breathe. I fear this is the life I will eventually live. Go, go, go. Sing, sing, sing. Go, go, go. Gig, gig, gig. And it's not for the sake of security and money. I do it because it's all I know; it's how I maintain sanity.

compens

"You're a giver on stage."

Quite possibly the most generous thing said to me by an opera colleague.
__________

He said it nonchalantly, and I didn't analyze too deep into it until he further explained. "There are givers, and then there are those who suck everything out of you. It's the givers that make this industry all the more worth it." It was like a relevation hit me. I couldn't agree with him more. It's worth doing what I do as a performer if it means working with 'givers'. I'm so incredibly blessed to have an amazing roster of colleagues in my year where I completely feel that they are 'givers' because to share the stage with them is PRICELESS. There's a chemistry, a bond, an effortless flow of action that no schooling can provide. I really feel so lucky. Once again, PG and His works.

osm?

I have exactly 24 hours to make a decision that could potentially change my life.
I am going insane because I can't decide what to do.
This competition that I'm considering with stakes so incredibly high, makes me worried because I'm not sure I have the validation to get pass first round. I wish He would make his sign more clear to me because I'm leaning towards not doing something and I feel this terrible fear of regret.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh

And if I choose to NOT move and NOT do anything, well, then I pretty much remain the same (and possibly sane again) but will wonder if I made a poor choice.

And if I submit my application in, I will have to just wait and see and let my pride down and wait for the results. I also become more poor this way investing more coin into it. But if all goes well, the coin will be more than doubled and it could be a very rewarding thing. But I'm not in it for the money. I'm just dying to sing for some HUGE names.

I won a competition last year, but can I do it again? Hrm....

But on a completely different note; I'M GOING TO NYC! My school has rewarded me for my hardwork and is sending me to NYC before the holidays to indulge in opera culture with THREE MET SHOWS, complete with accomodations, food, ANNNNND pocket money! OVERJOYED AS YOU CAN IMAGINE. GOD IS SOOO GRACIOUS.

selfvid

When you're on public transit and you've got tunes poppin' in your ears,
don't you ever have the urge to just lipsync and pretend you're in your very own music video?

I do that all the time. I don't close my eyes, I don't even directly look at anyone. I mouth the words to the tunes and figure I'm on the spotlight. No shame. I do it.

But then the other day on the subway, when my tunes ran out of batteries and I was forced to join the forces of silence, there was an asian girl about my age who had her tunes poppin' in her ears. She and I exchanged glances a few times and she gave an impression of subtle grace and pleasant introvertedness. 15 minutes into the subway ride, to my dismay, she started going 'buck' and lipsynced her lyrics to some upbeat tempo pop song - frankly, it looked ridiculous. She never opened her eyes, and made facial gestures as if she were rocking it out as frontman in a heavy metal band.

After that day, I stopped lipsyncing on the subway. I realize I may be causing some of my fellow transit commuters visual pain and its probabaly best to leave those 'lipsyncing music video moments' for the shower.