There's this internal struggle in me recently... One side of me had decided long time ago to keep everything to myself, shutting everyone else out of my world (And it makes me wonders if I'm born being so closed up....) and yet the other side is struggling deciding that I want to open up and reveal all of myself to a person. I need someone to share my views, my thinking, my feeings and my world....
Thinking back about those times when I’d attempted to open up before with others... It's usually without success. It's just so hard for me. I honestly envy those who are able to do so. To be able to speak their mind, to be able to express themselves well.... Be it through speaking, writting, drawing or even through their dress sense.... It's honestly a challenge for me... I always follow the "better be safe than sorry" rule in everything... I'm feeling so safe shutting everyone else out of my world. Nobody will be able to attack that little weak me who's so safely secured inside the thick layers and layers of defence...Coz it’s hard to be vulnerable and I know/decided that the little weakling inside me will not be able to survive all those attacking.
And those few times when I did try to open up, it's either been mis-interpreted or I usually faced betrayal and hurt after that.... *haiz* Nothing will be kept as a secret if I share with others right???
But I recently like the other side of me... The one who's not so 'geng'... The one who is struggling deciding to open up and reveal all of myself to a person. The one who wish to explore and test.... The one who will not-so follow the safety rule and willing to venture out.... Slowly but I'm trying to remove the defensive layers and I realised that it's so much easier to build the defensive layers than to remove them. Hahaha... I need time, lots of encouragement... Lots of agreements....
The fact that the idea of opening-up (to me) is like opening up to the possibility of pain. The idea of venturing and exploring means that I'll be failing. But... I hope that I'll always do it anyway. Being afraid to be vulnerable but choosing to be so anyway.... Time to open up and welcome others to my world, my castle. I may be weak, I may love to cry so much that it seems irritating to others... I may be that super emo girl, I may be weird, my thinkings may be too bizarre and I'm not your usual kind of girl... But this is yours truly... And after those defensive layers are thinner or even gone, perhaps I may come to realise that I'm in fact not be that weak after all... And even... Maybe not so weird and bizzare to others as well? =P
