For the past few months, besides slacking at home, I managed to do what I had always wanted to do... Tidying up!! I reckoned that all these will lift up my mood. Guess it did make my mood better. Posting some pictures here, a show-off of my hardwork... *laughs*

There are more areas which I had tidied, but it's silly enough that I post the photos here, so no more of those... (Wondering if I'm getting too bored at home that I'm doing all these photo-taking) Cleared and reorganised the following areas as well:

• Shoe cabinet
• Stuffs under my table (replaced with refererance books on animals and nature)
• Drawers in my room
• Big cupboard in my room

An achievement... But there's still more to be done. I actually hated my house to the core before all these tidying up. Too ashamed of it. Looks too much like a dumping ground than a home. Now at least now my room looks better. I really wish to have my own house where I can call a home. Need not be big, but has to be neat, tidy and most importantly cosy. I have to bear with this dumping ground first before I can get my own home. I'm trying to dump, kick, tidy, clear, etc all those stuffs which are lying around in my room which is not mine at all. Most importantly, all these are taking up space, messing my room and an eyesore... But it's easiler to say than to be done. I'm called an selfish person now. But I'm still keeping to my stand, but at the same time, giving way to them. Contradicting myself? Yes... But I'm trying to find the balance.

More areas and things to work with... And I'm running out of time. On the lookout for suitable jobs as well. I'm really running out of money... And after all, I cant bear to see myself stretching my hands out, asking for money from my parents or even borrow from friends. High pride and high ego like my dad? Maybe... It's 1 of my principles. And, at 22, I do not wish to be a burden to the family. I'm supposed to start supporting the family....

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside? ************************************************************************************

How coincidence? Was thinking and feeling blue and frustrated and this song is played. Tears just flow.... I know this topic I had been blogging about it for years... For the past 22 years, living together, I've been trying to be what is expected of me. It's tough, somehow it's not me, I'm restraining the bad side. Holding back my anger and frustrations in front of them. I kept telling myself to be a deaf, mute and blind at home. Did all those to stop myself from shooting back, prevent myself from quarreling with him. Wonder if those 3 tricks will still continue to work. I'm erupting, exploding... I know that mum's poking her nose into my drawers at times, it's da** rude and they, or rather dad is forcing a lot of restrictions on me. Some I can accept but what are those bizarred unspoken rules that I cant chat on the phone for long, cant online for long, cant sms, cant stay out late, cant go out everyday, lights out at 10pm etc... I just cant get it! Yes, he never tied me up at home and restricted me from going out. Not literally... But his restriction is far too much for me to bear any longer. For years, I've been fighting for my freedom but what I got is too little.

Wonder if I'm in the wrong. Is that too much to ask for my that little bit of freedom, a little more control over my own life? I'm a grown-up. I hate it when he accused me of not be able to think maturely. Am I wrong? I just want a life. I'm not a goody-two-shoes... But I always try to reach home early, despite how much I hated to. Is 10+pm too late? Oh please! Dont compare me with bro, his life is only school and computer. We are 2 different person! Much as I hated to, I had to lie that I'm staying at chalets even if I just go out for drinks at night once in a blue moon and I'll have to stay over at my friend's house. Why am I doing this? I dont love partying but I just want to break those restrictions once in a while and at the same time, keeping to the image they wish I am.

I'm just tired... Can I be what I really am and not what is expected of me? How I wish grandma's still around. She'll might fight for my freedom for me too. She always encourage me to go out with friends and I owe my first movie trip to her. She the one who encourages and allows me to go out for the movie when my parents are out. Can you imagine that my dad and grandfather dont allow me even to go downstairs alone when I was already 12? And they still bring me to school when I was already in upper primary and my school is just within walking distance! I fought really hard to go to school myself then, and thanks again to my grandma who helped. Though I do dislike her while I was a kid, caused she always command me to do lots of stuffs... But she's one special woman whom I truely respect...