Dont feel like talking for the past few days, after meeting him... I just want to be left alone. Focused on tidying my display cupboard. I spent 2 days in that... Taking all the items out, clean the cupboard, clean the individual items, throw some of the damaged items, assemble the newly bought anime figurines and finally arranging them back. Sense of achievement... Felt better now. I'm starting on to my room's cupboards and drawers next... I just wish to be left alone...

Thanks to YOU...
Have you ever feel that there's things bothering you yet you cant get them out of your chest? For the past few days, that's what I felt. I plunged into darkness, totally depression since you called me then. Past memories kept flashing and I kept pondering, kept thinking, even after the met up... I felt that hatred... After that metup, I felt worse. What's the point of an apology? That apology simply just make yourself feel better... Not me! I'll never forget the hurt and pain. Years passed since we last met. I was silly and stupid to believe your lies then. I allowed myself to be hurt by you... Now, I dont trust you at all or rather, I dont trust guys at all. I'll never be so stupid to allow myself to be hurt again. Thank you for allowing myself to wake up then. Thinking back those times... I was so crazy over you. I believed in that so-called love, that lie... All thanks to the bet that you had with your buddies, that forced me to wake up from my dreams. Made me realise alot of things about myself... My limits... I continued to be your friend, became your love advisor, agreed to show you and your girlfriend around then to show my magnanimous. I'm just a petty, ugly person inside. Come to think about it, I'm just allowing myself to be hurt. I'm asking for it... You are a shallow person then. Now, I dont know, but I dont bother to know too... Maybe you had changed for the better, and you felt sorry for what you had done then. Hence the apology... It's irony... I hated you so much yet I agreed to meet you. I put in lots of efforts to put on my best. Be it in terms of looks or character. I wanted my own silly revenge, perhaps... I want to show you that I'm living so much better now. Thanks for your compliments but were those were lies as well? I'm mad at myself for blushing at the compliments, in front of you.... Either I'm successful in making myself look good or those were simply lies. But thanks anyway.

一大早起来就头昏脑胀,晕晕的，重重的。。。难受死了。。。 看了医生，果然不出我所料， 血压又上升了。。。 救命啊！！！ 医生说可能是压力和饮食造成的。。。 又是那几句。。。 说我的失眠也是压力所造成的。 但，我真的有这么大的压力吗？？？ 好难以置信哦。 一个失业者哪有那么多压力可言啊？？？ 说了也没人信。。。 什么会造成压力？ 我只知道，现在我的心情飘忽不定，突然很沮丧，突然心情烦躁罢了。。。 在想很多事，有很多事情要做，不想说话。。。 只想静一静罢了。。。 有时候，挺喜欢那些睡不着的夜晚，静静的， 感觉好平静。 但，有时又觉得好寂寞，好空虚， 好想找人说说话， 可是又怕打扰人。。。 医生给我些安眠药，说如果我想要，他可以把我推荐到专科医生哪去。专科医生！别说专科医生， 就连去诊所看普通的医生我都得等到我真的快受不了，我才肯去。自从婆婆过世后，心里总是好讨厌医生。。。

Back yesterday night from my cousin's house... Uncle drove me back. Back to my own comfort zone. Simply LOVE my own pig sly!!! Learnt how to make dumplings there. It's fun but tough work. Lots of preparation, lots of skills. It's only thing that I was looking forward to, for the whole stay... I shouldnt put it that way... It's just that me and my cousin are not as similar as the others see it. Yes, we look some how alike... Both round.... We have the same interest like reading, watching movies and KTV. But we are simliar yet so different. The type of books we like, the songs we listen to, the movies we like, the comics we like etc are so different. Went there to accompany her to watch vcds and dvds I ended up dozing off everytime. She's rather pissed off actually. Feeling sorry and I tried to keep awake. Finding excuses to walk about like getting water but she'll pause the show and wait for me. *smiles* It's difficult to reject her and my aunt when they ask me to go over to stay. Short stay is still good. I'll love to keep them company. Especially my cousin. If keeping her accompanied can chase away her depression I dont mind... But staying there for long, my weight will be on the increasing trend. Aunt is a great cook, love her dishes and she always cook a lot of goodies. Though I'm forced to finish up all that she had prepared, I dont really mind, just that the supper is scary... Supper at around 11, 12pm everyday... I cant take it... Had nightmares for my first 2 nights. *laughs* My cousin sleep earlier, so I'll have to go to bed early too. Totally drained my mp3 batt, so kept to my handphone for radio during those sleepless nights. But guess I've sleep more at her house as I kept dozing off while watching shows. Her house at Ponggol is not that bad considering that there's a garden right in front of the house. Went for either a short jog or walk in the early morning almost everyday before going with aunt to get the breakfast. Feel so free and easy on the thought that nobody knows me there. The feeling is so great, the morning breeze and the sun... Kind of like it. There's no way that I can jog around my neighbourhood with that feeling...

Friday gathering was not that good. A waste of money perhaps? Wanted to make an excuse but in vain. Buffet, lousy movie, bowling, pool... Spent d money yet not enjoying... The only fun I had was at the bowling alley. I had the lowest score as usual but it had been a long time since I had played. Finally getting all warmed up and my score getting better and they all decided to go for pool... Oh ya, please dont go for the movie "东海战"!! It's boring... No interesting storyline, not very funny, not exciting, nothing... The false fire alarm that went off didnt help matters too... The first time that I watch a movie with only the seven of us in the whole cinema. Guess the popularity of the movie? Maybe the fact that we watched it at Marina Square on Friday late afternoon adds to that... Despite all that, was glad that I went for the gathering on Friday. I saw with my own eyes.... I verified that Mic got a new target!!! I'm free now! Thanks a lot. But think I'm losing him as a friend... All for the better? I guess.... Guys like him... I might be better off without him as a friend. Not at all a gentleman!!! Oh, what I was I thinking? He was never a gentleman in the first place... Stupid me.... But luckily Rao Rao and Ping save the day from getting worse. Wasnt at great terms with the others, be it at work or at play, so going out with them just dont spell happiness. Shall not force myself to go out with them in the future... Not even when Rao or ping asked... With those two, I love to go out with, but...

BTW, will be MIA for a week. Going over to my cousin's house... Not that I love going over. But since she asked... No reason to say no... What's more, my uncle's driving me over. But staying for a week is rather long ya... Getting excited to learn to make dumplings on next weekend. That's one of the reason I'm staying that long... *laughs* Wanted to learn from my auntie back years ago but I couldnt find the time then... When I'm back from the stay, I'll only left 1-2 weeks before I offically start finding a job. Still lots of unfinished stuffs. Need to plan my time wisely now for that 1-2 weeks. No time to waste any longer.

Wow! I finally had a good night sleep. All thanks to that sleeping pill which I stole from my mum... Ok.. I know, it's wrong to steal... But what the hack, I'm desperate for a good rest.. The feeling of having unbroken sleep... Sleeping till late morning... Sleep till you feel like waking up... It's heaven! I'm weird... Serious sleeping habits/disorder... I can go without sleep for a couple of days. Not that I choose to... I just couldnt sleep.... Blanking and blocking my mind, counting sheeps or whatever, exercise in the morning, lavander oil, flip and toss to find the best sleeping position, stare at something, listen to smoothing music or even classicals... I've tried them all. It wont work. Any more suggestions beside the sleeping pill? Even the flu tablets with the doctor claimed that it's supposed to make me sleep like a log, didnt work that well. I still wake up in wee hours... My sleeping cycle goes like this... Sleepless nights for a couple of days till I'm all drained, then I could manage a couple of hours of sleep. What's wrong with me? I'm a truely problematic person. A concealer, some make-up, my specs and eye cream can cover up the panda eyes but not my tireness. Feeling tired all day is not helping... So... I guess the sleeping pill is my saviour?

Going out later with SHDS people. Still mad at them for the betrayal. But I cant turn Rao Rao and Ping down... All all those call yesterday, I've soften up. I give up... I'll go... After all, heard from them that Mic had found a new target and I'm free. So, I might be having a celebration later on after all. I'll go and see for myself. But according to what they planned, it spells super expensive. Buffet lunch, movie, dinner, KTV and either Zouk or MOS after that. My wallet is going to have a super duper giantantic hole. After I've lent Huiying to help settle her credit card bills, I'm broke. So I might just make up some excuses and leave.... After all, I'm trying my best to be a goody daughter. And coming back home late dont seems like 1. Buffet and movie is my maximum... Should add up to about 50 bucks already. I'm not earning the bucks like I used to, I'm a jobless poor chap, remember? Almost finished up my savings... The heartache... The feeling.. Going to look of a job by the end of this month.

Wah, I'm exhausted man!!! Guess I finally can have some sleep tonight! Great!!! It's 2 days straight of laughter, crazyness and fond memories... Not forgetting tonnes of photos taken. Well, it's expected when you are out with 1 crazy gal + 1 wacky guy + 1 Mr act cool. I simply couldnt stop laughing at/with them. I felt so old, somehow, I couldnt just be like them. Well, maybe I am old... Sadie...

Anyway, glad that we went for Shrek 3 yesterday. What's more, it's a treat from our famous star! Thanks ya!! Love that show man! It's excellent! Not forgetting the comfortable environment... The comfortable seats... Arh... Couldnt bear to leave after the show. Hmm... Might be going with Glad and Qi again. After all, I promised to watch with them. But, well, when will they be free? Hey, 1 great news to share, there's TOYS'RUS in Vivo City too! Had my fun in there!!! *grins* Not many willing to accompany me to play around in TOYS'RUS. Ya, they said it was too childish and they felt as if they are bringing a over-aged kid in there. Come on... I hardly had the chance to go there when I was a kid... So now that I have the chance... Why not? It's fun ok!!! Love toys... *laughs* Wonder if I'll be blacklisted and banned from TOYS'RUS. My itchy fingers... *laughs* We or rather, they, took tonnes of photos at Vivo before leaving for home... Acting like tourists? No... With our superstar and famous star, it's just normal to attract attention... I'm simply not used to attraction... Prefer to bland into the background.

Today was our Fairprice tour.... Went around the island. Actually not exactly.... But who will go to 3 oultets in a single day? Only us, I guess... Went to looked for out long-missed Miss Koe and Miss Lim. I miss our mummies more, but well, not fated to meet yet... Everytime I go THPZ is that Joanne on shift. Just my luck! But before we went for the tour, we started the day at K-Box. I felt even older in K-Box. Their voices, so young, so full of energy, so high... Couldnt stop laughing... This is more fun than singing seriously... So I left the mike to them.

Conclusion : I'm old... I couldnt stop laughing... I had my fun... I'm tired... Time for bed... Dont know what I'm typing actually.. I just kept tapping on the keyboard... Ya, this old auntie is going to bed while the youngsters will chat on msn later. Youngsters took so long to come online. I'm too sleepy to wait anymore.........

The Rejection........
Being rejected... I'm feeling totally depressed and disappointed... Lost of confident... Got that bad feeling before all these actually... No... I'm not rejected by any guy, in fact, I'm not having a crush on any either. I meant I was rejected by NUS. I wanted to get into Industrial and System Engineering... After all, it offers optional specializations in Quality Engineering, something which is related to what I studied. Not confirming my seat in NTU. Material engineering... That course isnt too bad. But after much consideration, I decided to give it a miss. Felt the pity, a waste maybe. I gave up on the chance to NTU, and to step back into the working society again, at a later time. Shall not be willful and is time for me to share the financial burden once again. Did ask myself,what did I want for myself? Decide on what I want and go all the way out for it. Yes, I had my answers, I wanted to be a uni-graduate, it's my dream to be one when I was young, it seems to be something very proud and very right. But now, what I thought was right then, turn out not that right after all... Did thought of the possibility that if I do get into ISE, I'll get a loan from my auntie and will in turn look after her for the rest of her life. Some sort of a deal, an exchange.... Yes, the way I put it may be heartless, but... Using money to exchange for someone to take care and look after her when she's old. After all, I should be responsible, since she's dote on me when I was young and she's all alone without any children and now that her husband had passed away.... Well, it may be a good thing that I'm rejected after all. It sort of let me decide on what I should do. Maybe... I'm just thinking far too much..... But it's all fixed now, the route is there... Get a stable job, share that responsibility, perhaps apply for part-time next year.

My 3rd post in a single day. Yes, it's obvious, I got nothing better to do. Back from my cousin's wedding. Dislike this cousin of mine, caused I was always bullied by him when I was a kid. He made me cried a couple of times and even insulted me in front of his friends then. Hated him. But we are rather like strangers now, so, the hatred is almost gone.. I meant almost only.... Anyway, back to the topic, the MC was horrible, kept saying birthday instead of wedding... He made a lot of mistakes... But he's after all, not a professional. Rather bored as we were seated with some other people, I mean, not our relatives... Luckily there's a young rascal to keep me entertained. He's rather cute and not to say, clever and good with words. Kids nowadays.... For a 13 year old kid, he's good. He was talking about love, marriage and stuffs. What was I doing when I was 13? He got a way with girls... He's sure to be a heart-breaker when he gets older. Before some people mistaken that I'm starting a crush on that little chap, I need to clarify that I'm only interested in guys older than me. And another thing that surprised me was that he drinks red wine! I mean, at 13? He's surely can hold his liquor. Even better than me.... By the way, it's illegal to drink below 18... He was stopped by the waitress. The waitress was looking at my mum and telling her that kids shouldnt drink wine and especially he's underage and stuffs. *laughs* The waitress had mistaken my mum to be the mother of him! Actually this young chap went together with his grandmother.... I should be glad that the waitress didnt mistaken me to be his mother since I was sitting besides him. *laughs* All thanks to him, he decorated my plate with the chicken head, completed with biscuit rose and roasted chicken with parsley, while I was away at the ladies. Called him cute little chicken head since then.

Back to the wedding... They had a lame video regarding a warrior who met his Miss Right, after losing his love to another guy in a match, after which they went to ROM, and all those that happened there... Though lame and not much of a linkage, it does had a sprinkle of humour in it and considering all self-made by my cousin alone, Emmanuel to his wife, it's not that bad. At least he had the heart and the thoughts... And it's all that's counts... "Talent time" for him was to sing 3 songs with his buddies as his live band. His singing was erm.... But at least he had the courage. I salute to him, and he's much much better in his last song, "Open Arms", which he specially delicated to his wife. How romantic... He had this shy, bitter smile on him when his buddies sabotage him by playing his practise session.... He practised a few times by singing to his buddy via MSN last night and imagining that this buddy was his wife. But was recorded instead. *laughs*

To Emmanuel and Diona: Hope that you have a blissful marriage!!!!

Seems that this year is a good year to get married. Couples of red bombs this year in the family. 3 of my cousins getting married this year, 1 today, 1 in july and the other in december. I cant help but to admit that I'm clever. *grins* I converted my dinner and dance dress to a top for my cousin's wedding dinner tonight. Save the money... Need to start thinking about what to wear for the coming wedding dinners. It's a kind of awakard going to relatives wedding dinners. After all, I'm not on close terms with my cousins, most are much older than me, not much topic to chat and we usually meet at most once yearly during the chinese new year where the same few questions were asked. It's worse for relatives at my mum's side. Since they dont continue the customs of home-visitings during the chinese new year after my grandma passed away, we dont even get to meet each other. Cant really remember how they look now. I can only vaguely their looks, during their teens.... Now that I'm in my early twenties, they in their early thirties... We can walked pass each other without realising that we were actually cousins. How sad is that?

Finally had a meet-up for KTV session yesterday with Bel, JH and WL. Finally... After that chalet... All 4 of us are free at that time, that day... Though there's some little issues getting there, it went on quite smoothly. I did had my fun and I enjoyed it. But I was totally drained... First time that I wanted to sleep during a KTV session. It's rude and spoiler but I cant help it.... Sleepless nights, cough, blocked nose, on and off fever, gross yellow muscus... The silly cold! Lack of energy here. Anyway, we went for dinner at Far East after the KTV session. We had Yakitori style [BBQ foodsticks]. Not too sure about the taste though, I can only say it's salty. But I feel that it's kind of expensive, 30 bucks for not knowing the fragrance and taste of the food. [I had tempory lost my sense of taste and smell] Felt a bit sick after staying in the aircon room for hours, yet stubborn me went on had milkshake and all those food. Yes, scold me, I should go home straight after the KTV but I dont wish to reach home so early. After all, I got nothing to eat at home. Ya, I got my retribution, ended up vomiting. Luckily I got off the bus just in time, else I can find a hole and dig into. Walked a bus-stop distance home.... I'm lucky but guess, not enough.... It's straight to bed after my showers. Had the best sleep I had since days or even weeks. But now, I'm starving and there's nothing to eat at home... Not even bread or biscuits... Poor me... Hope mum come back from the market soon...