Year 2004...
Year 2004 is coming to an end and it's time that I do some reflections... 2004... Seems that this year is an atrocious year for me... Felt like I'm rolling down a hill or mountain where my mood seems to keep going down, down, down and down... Every time I tried to pull myself up, I'll end up falling again...

Asked myself a lot of questions... Those which seem nobody got the answers. Experienced a lot this year which drained me out mentally, emotionally and physically... Poor health, stresses and problems coming from myself, family, studies, friends, financial, work, attachment, my incompetency to change things etc. To others, all these may be just part of the challenges in life but for me, being a pessimistic, it seems to be the end of the world. All those seem to took my smile and happiness away and I faced depression. Had suicidal thoughts. Thought of ending everything with perhaps just a jump or a cut. But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. Perhaps I didn't have the courage or it’s my "siblings" and buddies who pull me out of this depression period. 2004, a year filled with calamities, from SARS to the recent earthquake... I'm grateful that I'm not one of the victims and I'm still in this world. All those problems and stresses are forcing me to grow up but there's this childlishness deep inside me. I have this escaping mentality where I kept running away from my problems and just want to be a pampered princess who don't need to think and worry about things. But I can't keep avoiding and escaping. Kept telling myself to stop crying, stand up and to move on with life. Hopefully, I had become stronger after facing all those challenges.

However, 2004 isn't all about sadness and unhappiness. I had precious moments with my "siblings" and buddies. Those moments and feeling felt, I'll never forget till the day I die. I had gained a lot through all those bad experiences. Learnt to treasure family and friends more; learnt to try to take things easy, learnt to appreciate things more, learnt to change to suit the environment as the environment wont change to suit you, learnt to try and look at things at a different view, learnt to vent all my unhappiness and frustration in my blog and leave it there... I'm still perfection-ing all these... And hopefully, I'll have more smiles in 2005 which I'm aiming to have...

I'm still bothered by the sub-cons. Been thinking about it... It's it really my fault??? But I should be thinking about the solutions, not this.... Wish to borrow a shoulder and cry out loud. I'm tired of taking all the blames and swallowing all the tears inside.

Culprit or Victim?
Christmas Eve... Went to work in a cheery and merry Christmas mood but well... It's isn't peaceful and merry. I felt so shity at the end of the day.

200 handphones failed at the call test due to escaping in functional. And who caused it??? The sub-cons... And whose fault is that??? Mine... There are 3 CQA reports all caused by the sub-cons and all those defects are obvious. To think they can't detect it!!! And whose fault is that??? Mine... NC department reported a daily high volume of scraps in the housing. After some tracking, it's the sub-cons once more. My fault again... They are in a training period and what do you expect??? They wrote down the wrong defects for the failures. My fault again... Gave them the list of defects but did they follow??? No... The functional output data were not filled up correctly and it's also my fault. I had taught them and they had understood it. I'm sure. It's just that they anyhow fill in the forms as they were rushing to go back. Had a talk with my engineer and he feedback to the management of the sub-con. Well, the management came down had a look and scolded the GL. Today, the figures don't tally again. I was fed-up and was trying to help them to get the figures right. But well, the manager came down and saw this and he reprimand the GL. She was crying so bitterly right there at the production line after the manger left. She was saying that she shouldn't leave China and come here to work; I shouldn't help them to tally the figures. But when the figures don't tally, it's my fault. I got my responsibility... They were all saying that's it my fault. Is the crying an act?? I'm not sure but I'm now perceived as a big bully... She, as a GL, she got her responsibility as well. How can I, an outsider, do anything when she can't lead her team??? A leader controlled by her operators... I can only tell her the problems and offered some suggestions and she have to make the decisions. But, she did not do anything about it... Anything that went wrong, it's my entire fault and I'm the first to get the blame because I didn't train them well...

BROTHER = BOTHER???
Arrr....... I'm SO DAMN frustrated!!! I need some PEACE!!! Got him what he wants, a steel-string guitar. A wrong move... Haiz... I need some peace to do my things, my reports... Yet, he's sitting right beside me, playing that stupid guitar!!! Tried many ways to stop him from playing the guitar but in vian... Tried using both "soft" and "harsh" methods.... As a last resort, I chased him out of my room, locked him out and now he's playing outside my room!!!! Arrrr..... Serve me right!!! Shouldnt got him that guitar in the first place... I had enough!!! I'm going out!!!!

Woke up and I simply cant get to sleep again... So, come here and crap again.... This week I'm facing a great challenge. I had to teach the operators and GL from the subcontractors how to model assembly. Had to teach them according to the production flow. But how to do that when I dont really understand the production flow myself???? According to Patrick, as long as I know how to assemble and dismantal the phones, I can teach them. But... Those so called "assembling and dismantling" are easy cos the PCBA and keyboard are already assembled. And also the age and experience factor... They simply do what they think is right and even argue with me... Ought to be stern and act more mature. The way they treat Patrick is way different from what they treat me... Of course, I'm just a student.... More challenges ahead... QA dept is just beside the new line and they'll sure check on them more often, and anything that's goes wrong in the process, I'm the one who's going to get it... Though it was a struggle, managed to teach a group of them yesterday. Going to push on and move forward...

This few days I'm busy busy busy busy.... Lots of things to do and think about... Went home everyday feeling all drained out but still managed to go for a jog at the hill at least twice a week. Well, I only jog 1 round. *grins... Ok ok, I know it's far too little and I need to exercise more. But give me time to adjust ok? Having problems with my joints I jog. Having problems with my joints and back lately. Guess I'm getting old??? Haha... Perhaps I need more calcium. Stopped having my regular intake of calcium (HL milk) since I left THPZ.

Initally I'm supposed to meet my poly friends today for a gathering but due to some unknown reasons, it's cancelled. Thought of going to library, COURTS, Funan and also to FairPrice. But I'm far too lazy to go all these places alone... Hence, I'm taking it easy and slacking at home... Felt so great! With music on all afternoon... How I wish I can get a massage to relieve myself from my aching body; my shoulders are all stiff and tensed up... Well, it's slacking in the afternoon and back to work in at night. Ought to think about my projects and do my weekly report, project reports and enter all those data(just-in-case they wanted it last minute). But I'm enjoying every moment this afternoon...