Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve! Time flies so fast that it's already the end of the year. Well, it seems like I'm getting older and older and I just ain't that enthusiastic in preparing gifts or doing handmade stuffs for friends and loved ones anymore. It's not that I ain't love giving gifts to them anymore but I'm just no longer into that festive mood. 

Have been feeling sick this past week and haven't been really recovering. From a minor sore throat till flu and fever now, it makes me don't look forward to celebrating at all. Looked through my secret box full of letters and handmade cards, it filled with memories. There are cards from 2008 till now; all those sweet little talking makes me feel that it really seems quite bullshit. It's not that I don't appreciate all these cards but the content just don't mean and fulfil what it was stated. All those sweet talking became something that was meaningless. 

Maybe being a little defensive here, but all these incidents made me feel that all these sweet talking can't be trusted and it might be just some sweet talking at that point of time. It just makes me harder to trust someone. But no doubt that when I read through those cards and letter, it did brought back some memories. 

Can't wait for new year to come but as of what I understand, goat doesn't seem to be in their best year this time round. But, not like I am having my best time of the year too. 

Truthful answer

At some point of time in life, you will agree that ignorance is bliss. But at some point of time, you will still wish to hear the truthful answer from that particular someone. Knowing that hearing the truthful answer might affect your feeling but you just want to hear it and face the pain.

It was just a short few months spent and it let me clearly see through someone's true colour. The drastic changes I saw in him was something that I could not believe in my own eyes. From a loving and caring man to a selfish and bad tempered fella, it was something that I totally could not handle at all. The naive me still thought that things will change for the better, I guess I was stupid.

Lies after lies was what I got from him throughout these months. Forgiveness after forgiveness was what I gave to him instead. A lie was told because of his selfishness. A lie was told because he thought that ignorance is bliss. A lie was told in return of a hurtful moment of truth I have to face. To think back about it, I could not believe and imagine how much lies he had told me in just a short span of time. Trust was what I had given to him the best throughout these period, not even a bit of suspicion. 

To hear your truthful answer, it took me real long to ask you. I could not help it but started pouring down after hearing all those truthful heartfelt words from you.  I was speechless too. As much as I told myself that I understand your feeling and stand, I could not stop feeling cheated by you. It comes to a point where I am just so utterly disappointed in myself for believing you. I learnt this lesson through a hard way. 

We have too much differences. I am naive, naive for falling into all the sweet talking and sweet doing.  Now, I'm pretty sure that you aren't worth it at all.  

I'm thankful to have Liang Yi, Wendy and other friends for all these while. Liang Yi and Wendy have be with me for the longest period everyday. They saw how upset I was over this matter and saw how affected I was these few days. Thankful to have both of them to constantly cheer me up and be there as my listening ears. I couldn't ask for more, really. :') 

The ugly truth

It's finally December and honestly, I can't wait for this year to end. There are just too much unhappy stuffs going on this year. I can't wait for the new year to come, and hopefully there will be more happy stuffs going around me.

On my past few posts, I've been mentioning about him, this 'special someone' that was in my life for few months ever since I started working here. It was amazing on how we met till how we became close and having that little special place in our heart. I always thought that he was the boyfriend material, so did my friends and family. He always be there for me, ensuring my safety back home, making breakfast and lunch for me and buying things for me just to make sure that I am well taken care of. Everything just seems too unreal. We almost got together once again. Almost.

I don't deny that things was a little way too fast, especially when I just over with my previous relationship like months ago. But all these was really beyond my control, and things just came naturally. He has taken care of me so well that I've fell for him naturally. It becomes a daily routine that he will give me a morning call when it's needed to. He brought me to meet up with his close friends a couple of times, just to let his friends got to know me better and vice versa. Slowly, he will asked me along for the outing with his friends; badminton sessions, dinner, singing and even chilling somewhere on a weekend. Everything seemed so fine.

But slowly, I started feeling that things seemed to change a little. I questioned myself a couple of time, thinking if I was being too paranoid over this but unfortunately, my six sense still proves to me that I am right. Had a long talk with him at his house on a Saturday night and I told him how was I feeling and how disappointed am I seeing things turning unhappy for both of us. He remained silence throughout the night. We did not contact each other for a few days, wanting to sort out our thinking or to be exact, his thinking. 

He requested to meet up to talk to me and wanting to have a good talk that night. I was softhearted and I told myself to give him the chance that I thought he deserved. Just like any guy, when chance was being given, he took the full use of it; to make breakfast, constantly meeting up for dinner and texting me. But sadly, this doesn't last. The same old things came back. Not contacting much, a cold reply on whatsapp, no morning call, venting anger on me and even to the extent of crticizing. It comes to a point where he could no longer bother to reply me for hours despite seeing the whatsapp. Excuses after excuses, that was what he gave to me. Honesty isn't in this relationship at all. 

Tonight, I've never feel so angry and disappointed with someone before. I'm really tired of hearing all sort of excuses; saying that he has mixed feeling of treating me as a friend or couple, to not wanting to let go of me. All the contradiction in his words have really broke my heart. So what's his truthful words and feeling? 

What Liangyi said was absolutely right. Till I really fall hard, I will then understand the pain. Despite countless of times they asked me to give up on this, I couldn't bother to heed to their advise. Now that I have fell deep and injured myself, I finally understand the pain I have to go through. 

Honesty is what I hope to have from us, even if it's gonna be a ugly truth, so be it. It's always better than having a beautiful lie. One thing I know for sure, I will never be able to step into your life and understand your world if you don't even make the effort to open up to me. I've done what I can do to make things work but sadly, it takes more than one hand to clap. 

I hope you will truly understand this.