Tuesday, March 22, 2011
11:14 PM
I am upset. About the meaningless work I get up every weekday to do just so the numbers in my bank account jump mid month. Can a person be happy without any sense of job satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment? This is turning me into a horribly bitter cynic.
Monday, February 07, 2011
3:00 PM
Pensive
I always wanted work to blend seamlessly into my life. Not because I desperately wanted to be a workaholic, but because I want a job that I enjoy doing. One that I would jump up from bed for. Again, these idealistic dreams.
I don't want to be unhappy if I can choose to opt out of it. And I know I can. It just takes courage to leave; courage to try something else. Courage to step into the unknown. I have never faltered at jumping into the great unknown, so why am I hesitating now?
The temptation of the great outdoors was too much to bear, and I leapt right at it. Researching for hours on end about the Cleveland Ways, preparing myself mentally and physically for a lone hike. I was subsequently rewarded by beautiful sights, a unique experience and time for me to think. A most meaningful and valuable experience.
Then I had some time to spare before leaving the UK for home and I wanted to experience it all. Found myself crossing the English Channel on an overnighter and a ferry and in Belgium on my own, without any hostel booking to curtail my movements. It was delightful fun, trooping around four beautiful cities with random backpackers.
The exchange experience was an entire leap of faith. Alone on my own, armed only with the desire to meet new people, learn new things and to travel. It is a decision that I will never regret, but only look back with a smile in my eyes.
What is another leap into the great unknown, really?
Monday, January 17, 2011
9:50 PM
What am I doing?
I am out of my mind.
Insecurity makes one do all sorts of crazy things.
Things that I never believed I would do.
The mind leads one into a wonderland.
Where what is real and imagined are jumbled together.
Like the items in a yard sale.
I miss writing long carefully thought out (ok, maybe not really carefully thought out, since most of them were written in a state of panic, well into the night/early morning, just before deadlines) essays. I liked writing a piece that had some kind of original thesis. However painful it was crafting the whole text such that it was transformed from a rambling mess to a coherent piece, I still enjoyed the process, in retrospect. Sigh, my heart aches.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
10:03 PM
Telling the untold stories
As I sat in my designated seat, trying to finish typing an article for work, my mind wandered to an earlier time when I was certain of my future ambition. I still remember that I knew for a fact that I wanted to be a journalist; I still remember the desire to enter the trade, to fulfil the need for adventure.
I was younger. I was idealistic, to a certain extent, I still am. I had my heart set on being an investigative journalist. A snoop empowered by the pen (or in the case these days, by the keyboard). The perils of taking on such a job did not deter me much. Of course, it would be a risky affair. I have no doubts about it. But there are so many untold stories to uncover. Many by the voiceless; the disempowered.
It was an attraction to discovering truths, not the stories fabricated by the ruling political party. It was an attraction to how the same narrative can be manipulated by two different people. Like what is told about the Nanking Massacre in the histories of two different countries. And an attraction to how a story changes over the years. Like the stories told about the famines in Soviet Ukraine before and after the fall of the Iron Curtain.
There is a choice between comfort and daring. The importance of a critical mind and an unyielding thirst for the truth has been downplayed by the comfortable, easy life. We must not be apathetic or ignorant.
My current job is a far cry from what I had intended to leave school doing. But all is not lost.
Monday, November 15, 2010
11:26 PM
Train wreck
Suddenly I feel that relationships are so very fragile. The thin gossamer thread that links people to people can be cut so easily. Relationships that take years to build can crumble so easily in mere seconds.
I wonder if the sense of uncertainty had resulted in the creation of an entity that holds the promise of constancy. Did a greater being create man or was it the other way around? Did man create a higher order due to the longing for security in the changing and indefinite world?
Assuming that biblical tales are factual, why was it wrong to consume fruit from the tree of knowledge? Why is knowledge acquisition wrong? Would we be spared all the sorrows of the world and live in blissful ignorance? But what if I refuse to be lulled into ignorance; what if I refuse to be apathetic? Can a selfless and loving god not want his creation to be knowledgeable?
Monday, November 08, 2010
10:33 PM
Silence
I catch the pattern
Of your silence
Before you speak
I do not need
To hear a word.
In your silence
Every tone I seek
Is heard.
-Langston Hughes
Sunday, October 31, 2010
10:54 PM
I was astonished at how much older literature can actually be read as if it were contemporary; to anyone ignorant of history, it would be easy to see ways of life in earlier times simply as ways of life in foreign countries.
The Reader, Bernhard Schlink
