Fool's day

How fitting that today of all days will mark the end to this tragic tale.

A tragic tale that has been drawn out far too long.

There is a fine line between a hero's journey and a fool's quest.

For the first time I actually meant what I wrote drunk.


***


You are incapable of forgiveness.

You also don't have the guts to kill me off.

So I will.


***


Somebody else has encroached into your life.  
I know.


"i went hiking with my friend.  with whom i am still kicking it with..."



I know all your friends.  

Cept that one.  

That same one that's been all up in your weekends for the past month. 

The same one that's probably behind why you don't have the words for me anymore.  

Only so much brain/heart matter to go around amirite?  


***

SO...


Congratulations.  

You've won.  

You can have your broadsword back.

Just remember to grab it with both hands as you pull out, putting that boot down for leverage.


There really isn't much more to say at this point.

I can't say enough goodbyes or spill any more guts than i've already spilt.

It wouldn't make a difference anyway.

I've thrown myself completely out there and nothing but that maddening cold hard silence as you trudge forward in a different direction.




***




I wanted you so badly to be a part of my grand scheme.  I wanted rule the world with you.  But I guess it's finally time to put all that to rest.  I feel sick to my stomach, obviously I can't sleep.  Life can be such a motherfucker sometimes.  So yeah, not sure if i'll keep ya around or pull the plug completely in typical edmolee dramatic fashion...but for what it's worth i'll be around for a few.  Hit me up if by some divine miracle words come to you.  Otherwise, it's been one helluva ride doll.

worst

I just don't understand.

Here one minute...gone the next.

I just don't understand.

I hate this fucking loneliness.

I had my worst day of the month today.

Closed shop an hour early.

Just gonna drink it off.

Maybe you'll reach out.

Maybe you won't.

I just hate today.

yeah

i'm fucking doomed.

you are incapable of forgiveness.

that deep seeded J shit or whatever.

so i have to accept that i'm now sittin here wasting my time.

fucking awesome.

what a GODDAMNN WASTE.

so be it.

at least i fucking tried.

pin drop

I am happy for you that you are happy.

That you have a support group now.

That you have people around you now.

Rather than wallowing in your thoughts in a dark empty place.

The same place I now find myself in.

This numbing isolating purgatory.

My only solace coming from imaginary conversations to a memory of what once was.

I'm doing my best to give you the benefit of the doubt.  That there is a genuinely good hearted purpose in what is happening.

The silence makes me think of crazy things.

Like...

Perhaps now this problem is no longer yours nor anything you care to deal with.

Maybe it has become something that you hope in vain dies off on its own.

Because it would be so much easier than taking the initiative to tackle it head on.

Neither the patience nor the energy anymore.

Just nothing.

What a horrible way to go.

***

These are the days I fucking hate being here.

Where the will is weakest.

Loneliness re-channeling itself to rage.

Sick of the pain, heartbreak and nothingness.


***

Time to sterilize my brain to comatose.

And hope this goes away.

....

"The spinning top made a sound

like a train across the valley,

fading, oh so quiet but constant til it passed,

over the ridge

into the distance

it's written on your ticket to remind you where to stop

and when to get off."

.

.