Tuesday, September 27, 2011
LOVE?
as I grow older, I feel myself becoming increasingly skeptical of love stories/dramas/novels. to me love should be simple, without frills and all about the two parties involved.
i look at the happy couples around me, who still love each other so much after so many years of marriage and wonder to myself - what is it that holds them together? i noticed that the most important is probably respect for each other... that gives u the ability to listen and truly understand the other person...
i'm very thankful for the support from the special someone over the past three years. no matter what the society may say or how people around me judge the relationship, i know i can never find another person who puts me as top priority like he does. someone who looks after me, someone who listens to me, someone who understands me so well that he knows what to do when i lose my temper.
it could be that people really bond over food and for the past year, he is probably the person i eat most often with. we talk about everything - work, food, news, economy, football, people.... and i always look forward to our meals together no matter how tiring work may be. i don't think it is easy to find someone who is willing to sit and wait for you to knock off from work, just to spend one hour having a simple dinner together and telling each other about how the day went.
it doesnt matter how and why, but i am really grateful and happy. it will not be easy, but i know somehow things will just work out the way they should. for now, i will just enjoy the journey... and see where it brings us. :)
another trace of memory @ 9:31 PM
Thursday, September 22, 2011
i had applied to teach because i thought that was what i wanted to do. after going through the interview, i was actually anticipating the arrival of the offer letter. i thought it meant freedom for me and possibly, the discovery of happiness. However, when the letter actually arrived, i felt a wave of panic. is this really what i want to do? am i really passionate enough to give everything up and make the big commitment (almost 6 years of my life)? it was so scary i decided to cancel all appointments and really spend time thinking about it.
i think eventually, i figured that it might just be a temporary happiness - ability to escape from the current state. it does not feel like something that i want to do. i might in fact be even more unhappy after 1 month. hence, i have more or less decided to stay, and see if changing roles will help me enjoy the job better.
these two weeks, i have also been thinking - is there really a dream job in which i will be happy? i look at every job, and really cannot seem to find the perfect fit. there is always some part that i dislike or dread. perhaps when it comes to me, the problem actually lies with my mindset. i am generally an unhappy person, with negative perceptions and thoughts flooding my mind first. I need to find a way to rid my mind of these useless and negative thoughts, in order to live a more fulfilling life. i started having this difficulty back in secondary school days, and it just got worse over the years.
i don't know how to start, but i guess i should start meeting more people so that i stop spending time thinking about useless things that are not going to get me anywhere or make me happier. i want to CHANGE!
another trace of memory @ 1:06 PM
