Wednesday, January 19, 2011
the solo trip to boracay over the weekend made me realise that i have nearly lost my ability to appreciate the beauty in nature. i nearly lost the ability to see the beauty in anything or anyone. probably because i always focus on the negative. i'm becoming like a body without a soul, unable to enjoy anything in life. i really don't know what has happened to me.
but well.. 2 days on my own, in touch with nature, just staring at the clear blue sea. it was extremely therapeutic, and it made my heart more at peace, after a tiring and emotionally draining year. i was so happy and at peace there that i really did not want to return to the busy makati or the fast-paced singapore. i felt like i found back something i had lost. but when i plunge myself once again into the daily routine and work, i get that same headache and unease again and it feels as though i have lost myself again. :(
why can't life be simple and peaceful? why does it have to be full of struggles with people interfering with your decisions? i am tired. i have grown up and i would really like to make my own decisions for my own life.
another trace of memory @ 7:25 AM
Saturday, January 01, 2011
i don't know why i feel obliged to write an entry to sum up year 2010 and record my hopes for 2011. i guess, part of me knows that one day, i will want to remember some things about a certain year and the blog is where i find entries to remind myself of little things that mattered to me.
A Challenging 2010.
2010 was definitely not an easy year. many unexpected things happened, many obstacles stood in my way, many goals unmet. However, it would be unfair to say that it was a bad year because really, many good things happened to me and there were many happy times too.
In terms of work (i refuse to call it career for obvious reasons), it has been eventful. moving to a new team in February, learning about the retrenchment of practically the entire team in April, and then moving to Manila to work for three months. It was a great learning experience and I saw a lot of things. But deep down inside, I still feel insecure and uncertain about myself. I always feel like I can't seem to really learn from these experiences and grow as a person. I just merely go through the motions and get things done.
That is one thing I hope to change in 2011. Stop rushing through life, embrace the learning points, understand things completely and innovate instead of always sticking to the old methods. I look forward to another year full of learnings - hopefully back in Singapore. I can definitely survive on my own overseas, but I know where I truly belong.
2010 also made me see the importance of my family. There were many instances where the extended family had conflicts due to the inevitable ageing of the grandparents. But I think it did bring everyone closer together, taking turns to visit and supporting one another throughout the entire period. It was definitely not easy but I am glad we made it through. Moving overseas, although for a very short period, also made me treasure my family more. There are always decisions I have to make for my own life and happiness that may be against what the family expects of me. I can only hope for their understanding in the long run.
I sincerely hope my grandparents will remain in good health in 2011 and for things to go well for the family. 2011 will also mean a continued commitment to weekly visits and regular family gatherings. No matter how different each member may be, blood will always be thicker than water. I want to spend more time with the family and try my best to communicate frequently with them.
Many friends left my life in 2010, as most people started on their careers and we all had less time. New friends have also appeared in my life and I am thankful. And of course, there are those friends whom I communicate with less than ten times a year, but who will always have their special place in my heart. I know it because everytime we talk, it feels as though we have been with each other all the time, although the truth is we have not met for years. I choose to think that they feel the same way too.
Like Shoe, I know I am the kind who has a tight circle of friends whom I keep in closer contact with. In 2011, I want to deepen my friendship with these people and another step I really want to take is to be less conscious of myself and to be open to new experiences. I want to stop worrying so much about what others think of me and be myself.
I have met none of my goals for running in 2010. And I did not pick up cycling :( I am not going to get all upset over this, but I am just hoping that 2011 will be a more fruitful year in this aspect.
Of course, I hope that the flu bug will stay away and I will feel more energetic everyday. I think this has a lot to do with my pessimism in life, so that is really something I need to work on in 2011.
In relationship, the people closest to me know what is going on. And what is important is I am currently very happy with what I have now, no matter what others may think. I also realised that what matters most in a relationship is constant, honest and open communication, without which a relationship will fail, no matter how young, successful or good looking each individual may be. :)
another trace of memory @ 3:00 PM
