vision cleared...after yest, after finding out more..i think i noe wat i wan...settled...now, itis time to work towards my goal...=)

stepping into that building again brings back memories...and feelings...
but no, i dun regret wat i did. and i'm glad i went thr all those. for i've emerged a stronger person, and probably, i'm clearer of wat i wan in life. let these slip to the back of my head...time heals...how true...it just erodes the clarity of those emotions...i dunno how to put it...just glad...

this week...rather unproductive...distracted by olympics..or perhaps its the law of diminishing marginal returns which always set in after one or two weeks of mugging...its ok, i'll pick it up again...after taking a damn sinful break this afternoon...but yar..guess it was qt worth it lar..its been so long since we had more than ten pple gg out tog...haha...

alright...shall go cover a bit more...the warrior of light will find power and strength within herself to push on...and may all fellow warriors out there find inspiration and hope too...haha...i'm gg bonkers...

u are not who u are for nothing. prove ur worth.
settled things more. closed up the chapter properly. think i've really let go of it. hmm...wait, i'm not talking abt canoe. yup. but feel more settled. good. focus and persevere.

feelings are not lost that easily. stepping into kallang again made me feel alive. seeinga diff batch o pple carry up e boats...feels weird..but at least i feel i belong..tried new k2 wil kw and fiona today...really not zai lar the boat...it rocks...qt fun..a pity i had to use this ultra long paddle which kept getting sucked in...haha...had fun..great day...dun worry, i mugged early in the morn~!=)

after so much of reasoning within myself, i finally talked to my parents...and i'm back to the same old path i wanted to walk at the end of sec 4...study business related stuff...and i'm staying in spore...=) so i shall not think abt the future for the next few weeks, focus, study hard and hopefully get a scholarship.
the punishment from the ever dearest chem dept turned out qt good..considering the type of pple who were there...the s7 pple, really not mug leh...cant talk, cant slp..so zero distractions...great conditions to mug...so i gained from it in the end lar...=)
keeping up with my schedule...so not too bad..but i'm only like barely one-third way thr..and the thing is those i studied are all the short chapters that were taught last yr...time to get my engine working at higher powers...at least i overcame the inertia and started the engine...now, time to power up and fire all the way to As...
to anyone out there who's discouraged or losing steam...take a few hrs off, go do some exercise, it really helps...come back fresh...keep the faith...we're not to be beaten..we will fight on...we have not come so far to give up..as many say, life is a sine curve...its just a matter of time before u get all high again...just keep the belief in urself, even when u are down, just keep gg and suddenly, one day, u'd realise u dun have to push urself much anymore, u dun have to try so hard to get urself to do work, u dun have to try so hard to cheer up...cos, it has become part of u, it has become a habit...and there u are!u're out of the hole~!=)trying to convince myself too...everyone heads up...look ahead...endpt in mind...off u go!

something just started me thinking. and its not the usual kinda thinking. have not felt this since end of os. fer not gg for the chem talk and choosing to go for the scholarship talk i have been sent to cs. irresponsible so they say. fine. how many pple have committed worse offences and got away with it? but i felt i made the right choice anyway. as if i'm gg to pursue anything related to chem in the future. to the chem dept, thanks a lot. u've made me seen so much abt life. all the values and morals that u all preach. yar right. i believe i can learn more about life from the beggars on the streets than from u all. at least they teach me compassion. the simplest pple on earth teach most abt life. rather than all these ALMIGHTY CREATURES who speak so much abt HIGHER ORDER THINKING and are teaching us the SO-CALLED right values. ultimately, at the end of life, think back, is there a purpose?improvements, developments of the human mind. yar. learn all the skills, know all the knowledge u can have. but has the heart and the emotions disappeared, have we all been programmed to do wat is right, wat we shld do...wat abt wat we love...?its not abt having to waste one afternoon doing cs...its abt being labelled irresponsible, its abt the stupidity of punishing someone who has missed the talk not because she wanted to play and slack, but the need to find out more abt her future, rather than sit and stone at a talk she has ABSOLUTELY no interest in. the best thing is...wat's said..u're not responsible because u din inform her before hand. she catered food for all of u all. we were only informed abt the overseas study forum on the day itself. even if i had told her, i dun think she cld have changed her order for food right? yes, i was impolite because i didnt inform her. but is it that serious? oh well...i shall accept that some lower beings just like to always think they are high above and they are always right. hence it is right for them to impose their SO-CALLED ideals on others...to administer punishments and waste the life of another...simply because they ASSUME they are ALWAYS RIGHT. alright, to these creatures, a BIG THANK YOU, for giving me insight to ur wonderful and intelligent thought processes. ok. i feel gd venting everything out. not very coherent i know. but thats wat i really feel inside. i know i am wrong in some sense. but i stick to my belief, if i feel i've made the right choice, no matter wat the consequences of my action , i have no regrets.
ate durian strudel today...damn nice...had this sudden urge to buy one fer my family, but didnt have enough money with me. i'd never think of anything liddat in the past, think i've grown closer to my family..through these 3 years...and i'm glad and i really thank all those who have helped me iron stuff out with my parents...hmm..thats all fer now..just needed to let everything out...back to mugging...

hmm..as usual, i cant take it anymore..just need to vent my emotions..haha...if not i'd really go mad in this coming month...oh well, this week has been better than expected..at least i starter my mugging engine. much of the activation energy came from a surprise i got on thursday..or wed...cant remember...was quite happy lar...=) hmm...shld give myself more breathing space..haha..revision qt on schedule up till now...so not too bad..plus got practise tys..was so happy doing my math yesterday..its like this long lost feeling...cos have been neglecting it qt a lot ever since i stepped into jc...dunno..it just felt good as i was doing it last nite...haha...=) jia you to all...persevere...we'll do well...=)

its time again...to say a temporary goodbye to this virtual world...shall stay away from the computer as much as possible till my exams end...and i miss everything and everyone...i miss the fattest worm too...sigh..everybody take care...=)

back from potluck dinner and watching fireworks at kallang...waiting for my hair to dry and food to digest..so came online...this means i'll stay away from the comp and concentrate on mugging tmr. aim fer tmr...stay away from comp, study as much as possible...
haha..went to buy ice cream today..wah...shoe is a nice person to meet..cos she's on time or early most of the time...haha..took train to kallang...it was packed w pple in red lar..den reached kallang..only hx there..haha..started on the icecream...den surprise cake fer sarah...haha...so fun!den we ate till damn full...had to play zhong ji mi ma to fin up the food..haha..but qt fun lar...din speak much, but i really enjoyed myself. the fireworks were lovely...i just sat and watched...so nice..when will b the next time when we get together and enjoy one another's company again...?hmmm..soon i guess...=) it was a nice evening spent...except for the period when i sank into my silent stoning mood...but had a nice time...=) take care everyone...lets mug hard...=)

was feeling very happy this morning...dunno why...but as time passed...and as my body and mind remained unused for such a long period of time, i soon went into my sad, stoning mood...like just keep feeling damn sian and horrible..and i dunno how to describe the feeling lar..sigh...maybe i'm just tired..

wah...felt like i was flying...so shiok to be k4 frontman...the wind like damn strong...water coming into ur face...it was like damn fast lar...tot we did not bad, considering the horrible tiem we had the day before...it felt really good..i was really high..and cld feel all the power from behind..damn fun...i love it! wah...was so high and happy that all the trouble and sadness the day before was gone..really adrenalin rush man...so fun...
hmm...really love the feeling of paddling man..b4 the race i was qt scared...like dunno how to set frequency and stuff...but once the race started...wah..realised how much i miss paddling...so nice...really gonna miss canoe~!

a little while for myself before i start on my work...hmm..a good rest helped a little...feeling slightly better...now its up to me to move on...it feels weird gg into a race not knowing wat u are supposed to do..being in front and not knowing wat frequency to set..totally at a loss and not knowing wat the other 3 at the back are feeling...so weird..but guess it'll be a good experience...

thinking abt the future and feeling lost...maybe i shld just go to SMU...seriously at a loss of wat to do...

thinking of myself always saying i wanna die at forty...maybe its just my selfish nature...not wanting to see my loved ones leave me...haha...oh well...so i better go work hard and make sure my short life is utilised to the fullest...hmmm...crap...i shall start on my work...and work on finding my way...

listening to "heaven knows"...sigh...rather sad...
the same guilt, the same hurt, the same sadness, the same helplessness. all over again. it was just a little chip off the tip of my boat. it hurt. seeing another boat, suffer an even more serious damage, hurt even more.. wat is a k boat without a working rudder? i took away the life of the boat...due to sheer carelessness.. and caused others more trouble, adding to their workload...causing their stress levels to escalate...one word again.."sorry"..it will not help in any way...wat is done cannot be undone...just hope for the best...and hope everything goes fine for everyone...
jay's qi li xiang is nice...i like the tune...
put behind the sadness and move on...
are all things that happen to one person predestined? or are the things a result of every little action of the person...?
realised my life kinda revolved ard macritchie and kallang fer the past few yrs...from track to canoe...maybe everything is just fate. perhaps, it's just someone up there playing a game...just simply lifting me off the board and planting me on a familiar spot...i'm not exactly coherent...dunno wats with me..pardon me...
i feel totally lost, my life messed up...no paddle, no weights, no runs, no boat...no washing, no rushing to bathe...no valuables bag, no cupboard keys, no life jackets...everything that has taken up my past yr has just been snatched away from me...just like that...struggling to find my way to classes...make it thr classes...when i noe my heart isnt there...my heart craves fer slacking time...someone on the streetlights and lead me through the path of mugging...so that i can land among the As and distinctions the geniuses will get...someone give me strength and direction...I AM GOING TO MAKE IT THERE. with paper and pen, with the faith...I WILL. trust me...hmm..shall try to trust myself...sorry fer the bad habit...sometimes, i really sound like i've got split personality or smthing...oh well...=) feeling slightly better...

supposed to b mugging hard fer chem test, cos i ponned sch. but decided to take a break. just fin my nuclear phy tut. went to send xiaoxia off..last night stayed over at mag's. think its unbelievable how me and seok always happen to target/bring same type of food..haha..ever since mon's dinner..pizza, cheesecake and chocs yest...got up early this morn, walked to xia's house, den took a cab to airport. think xiaoxia damn mature la. really impressed. she was so calm and stuff..though can sense that she was sad too...but trying to smile and cheer up..yup..many of them went down too..seejia, serene, luyi, qianru, chiewyi, meiyue, lijuan, moonteng...we were taking fotos and seriously, i din expect myself to cry..cos i din feel anything yet..at that pt of time. perhaps, the fact did not sink in yet....then came the time fer xiaoxia to go in..i still felt neutral...just a little sad...but after she stepped away from the counter...and walked in...tears started welling up in my eyes...was trying very hard to control...only seok cried...den the more i look at xia walking off, the more i cried..then later xia called...really cun hold back any more...the rest cried too...oh my god...really cant believe she's really gg hk to study...gonna miss her so much...oh well..i'm gonna tell myself again...everyone has to move on, parting will come sooner or later...just now heard that wu qi long's song.."zhu ni yi lu shun feng" or smthing liddat...teared again...sigh...take care gal...we're waiting fer u to come back...=)

just realised smthing..i went to the airport twice this yr..to send pple off..and realised some similarity in the names...hmm...oh well...back to mugging...the cactus is cold and strong...wat is mugging man...no big deal...

was chatting with [yx, hx, fiona] and [chian, hx, shoe, kw, fiona] fer the past 2 days...though i was facing a comp screen, i really enjoyed myself...just crapping with them...these pple whom i used to see almost everyday...haha...=) a day without them seems weird now...

used to complain abt my jc life...how cold and boring it was...but now i look back, i really wanna thank god fer these twelve pple, who've made my jc life more interesting, more enjoyable and more tolerable...even if i dun learn anything at the end of the two yrs, at least i've made twelve great frens...and hmm...the wise one has taught me qt a lot in handling emotions and stuff...=)

cant wait to develop the photos...looking at them just brings back all the memories...and i'm really glad i've these memories with me...yup..looking forward to more get-togethers...like national day...and so many more...training and competition has ended, but it doesnt mean we have to drift apart...and i believe...we'll stay together...in our hearts...=)