one yr seven plus mths ago, i was deciding btwn canoe and oac...chose canoe...never did i expect it to become that huge a part of my life...so large a part that my life depended on it...the pain made me feel alive...like many out there...the warrior is lost, her aim taken away...everything ended, just like that. many things fer her to treasure and remember...many emotions surging thr...so overwhelming she cant seem to put any of them into words...her previous aim was for her passion...her new aim...?oh well...shant elab. blood (yes, there was), tears and sweat...spilled on the battlefield...it may not be deemed as a battle won...but in the warrior's heart, she noes everyone's put in their best for the battle and emerged victorious in their own ways. and with this, she respects everyone who fought the battle with her, supported her and inspired her by their own ways..
no more limits, more freedom, but the warrior doesnt know where to go...no where to seek comfort, no where to seek assurance, and probably not where her passion lies...she has no choice..she will battle this dreaded battle...and she'll fight it bravely...till the very end...she'll use her new weapons, the paper and the pen...and fight bravely...though reluctantly...fight on warrior...

where do i start?
hmmm....this part of me has come to an end...feeling a little lost...
oh well...i gave wat i cld..was calm, din do very well...but i've got no regrets...cos i noe i gave my best. there was this dreaded feeling throughout the entire day yesterday. last time i'll keep and count the paddles...last time i'm doing so many things...there was some disappointment in the results...can see and feel...but ultimately, everyone was happy...because, it was really the process, experience and bonds forged that really mattered to us...that comforting arm when i came back from my race...the concern shown...really wanna say a big thank you to you..was really touched...i'm serious..and to the handshake..from zr...haha...so many things...took so many photos...used to really hate taking photos...but i really see how much photos mean...how they capture moments of ur life which u really wanna remember...
post comp dinner...it was not too bad lar...cant help but think that, even though there have been complaints and grumbling throughout the year, i noe that both the guys and gals team have qt a good relationship lar...
and on to the memorable night at the hotel room...all that hx shared with us...all the present exchanges...the moments when i read the messages and tried my best to hold back my tears...i really wanted time to stop moving...was my usual quiet self...or rather, quite quiet lar...and just hearing everyone's conversations...the snores...everything...really din wanna slp...so many things...but dun think i'll say it here...but wanna thank these really great pple in my life...

1. Haoxia: u're really a great coach...thanks for always keeping hat faith in us, for being with us when we fell, helped us pick up the pieces and move on... will never forget that time, when we first started our k2...super choppy waters and we were trying to cross that stretch to the suspension bridge...we tried so many time, capped so many times...until our boat was so filled with water we had to swim all the way back...u really made me feel better...somehow...hmm...and so many other occasions...really...too much to thank you for...
   
2. Chianlin: u've been a great partner...the good and bad times we went through...always showing care fer everyone in ur own little ways...giving surprises to pple and cheering pple up too...
   
3. Kaiwen: great capt..all ya mad singing..though i'm always complaining...but u really made bathing more entertaining..haha..thanks fer always being there to listen to me complain, grumble..fer providing the encouragement everytime i needed it...
   
4. Shujun: dearest hu-er..haha..thanks fer being there all the while..all ya smses...fer always cheering everyone up...esp with ya amusing conversations with hx...haha..fer always helping me to communicate...haha...u noe wat i mean..so much to say..but shant elab...
   
5. Fiona: dearest vice cap...hmm...famous fer being deaf..thanks fer always talking sense to me when i'm totally lost and hopeless about everything...haha...brinjal gal...haha...and ur turtle bag...u're one great gal...
   
6. Yanxuan: thanks fer always making me helpless with ya lame jokes...haha...and dun worry...i noe u dun mean to cut my lane...haha...
   
7. Zhenni: thanks fer making me more educated abt how a backman feels...it really made me see things in a different perspective and kinda understand certain things better...
   
8. Siqi: thanks fer helping me sort out the probs...fer always being the mature one to handle certain situations...dunno how to say...but u've really impressed me...
   
9. Minjuan: haha...fer always being so slow and funny...thanks!! never fail to make me laugh with ur funny questions and actions lorz...=)
   
10. Huiqi: the fast one..haha..think u're really one determined gal man...can get inspiration from u...esp when see u run...and how serious u are when u really wanna do smthing...
    
11. Sarah: thanks so much fer everything...everytime i approach u fer help or anything, u 're always so willing..
    
12. Xiangjun: thanks fer all the great times we've had..haha..u better thank me fer helping u move boat. haha..kidding..many times, when i felt horrible cos o the pain, i'll think o u...how much more pain u have to bear...den i'll force myself to push on...haha...
    

as u can see...its just a short para fer each other...but wat i really wanna say to these pple...is really beyond description....everything they've given me, all the memories we share...will stay with me...and remain part of me...really...dunno how to express myself very well...guess u all will understand wat i mean...

we came back. we lost our way again. we will be back. just in time. its not the time to get emotional. its not the time to get frustrated.. pls...relax, calm down. focus on the basics...u'll get it back..come on, we've been thr worse times...we can handle this..we are strong..we din come so far to give up..we din go thr all those times to throw everything away now..jia you.

i am putting the block test behind me. it was a flop. it will not affect me anymore. it's history and i cannot do anything abt it. i accept it and will learn from it. i need to focus. i know i can. used to do so well under mrs hoo. i believe i can get it back again. just wait.

nationals.. a few days away. stressed? a little. maybe a lot. hidden. plus the waters really damn "nice" these few days lar. haha. too bad. i've been thr the bad times. i'm coming up again. looks like we're fated to race together. maybe god has smthing fer me and chian. i am not afraid. just gonna do my best. we'll see. all the way peeps...we can do it~!

been busy coping since the start of school..nationals drawing near..starting to feel all the emotions..seems like my moods are very obvious and everyone can observe rather well..cos all i wanted to say was said...without me opening my mouth..hmm..stress sets in..but i'll overcome it...someone on a dragonboat said "u must not let ur opponent see that u are tired."...i wanna say, "show ur opponent that u are strong." i have done and am doing watever i can. just gonna give my all.

looks like ive almost gotten the computer outta my life. as i said, block test was a flop..barely made an a fer math..deserve it lar. din practise much. chem..i studied..but..49.5..thanks..to think i'm an s paper student. wat a let down..phy wasnt too bad..but econs is another shitty one...sucks...oh well..cant do anything can i?too bad fer me lar.
now that sch's started, finding it a little hard to get back into that taxing routined life. hols was routined but there was breathing space. now..so little rest..falling sick lor. sucks..oh well..gotta live with it..one week plus more...cant believe its here..being paranoid gets me no where..haha..just cont training hard..hmph...we'll make it there...

over. almost over at least. one more hour of phy prac tmr. decided to come home slack and just let time pass..no mood to go out somehow..
this sense of loss..think i screwed up most of my papers...so i do not wish to continue thinking how badly i'll do lar...haha...forget it...no pt anyway...
feeling weird...dun wanna grow up..haha..see how those pple out there dress themselves up...seriously dun see a pt...shld just live as simply as possible...as in no need fer nice make up and stuff..u are who u are wat..why bother to dress up so much...dun understand the rationale behind such stuff...haha...maybe i'm too ugly to dress up..thats why lar...oh well..who cares..
some pple never fail to make u feel like a loser..sigh..