OKAY, I AM. BUT...

I remember a few years back, I was forced to open up to this person where I worked. Apparently her gaydar was stronger than those of the real gay guys in the office. She just asked me point blank, if I am gay. I don't know what I was thinking but I said yes. I could've denied it, but I didn't.

But what irked me about what happened, was not that she asked me, but how she reacted. She asked me why I'm not like the other gay people in the office. I was like, 'what the fuck?!'
Stereotyping much?

Okay, I'm gay but...

I DON'T LIKE WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES
Yeah, I don't want to be a girl. Not all gay people wants to be one. I'm happy with how I look. I don't wear girls dresses. I have never imagined myself (maybe that one time - no - nope not once) did I see myself dress like a girl. Oh God, me in a dress. Sends shivers up my spine. Ugh.

I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING CALLED GIRL, BADETTE, SISTERETTE
Not that anyone calls me that. I guess the advantage of not having gay friends is that I don't get called that. I don't think it's going to be an issue with me if you call me that. I just won't turn around.

I AM NOT LOUD
I'm not a screaming faggot. You won't ever see me walking around the office being I don't know, gay. I joke around, throw inappropriate words every once in awhile. But mostly, I'm this shy reserved guy. I'm actually, really quiet.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND GAY LINGO
I don't have alot of gay friends, so I'm not exposed to the language. I can comprehend the simple stuff, but if you go all gaga on me, chances are, I'll only say 'okay'. And it's very doubtful you'll hear me speak gay. It wouldn't come off natural. I even find it awkward saying churva.

I guess all that I'm saying is that I'm pretty much boring. =)

MUST BE THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AGAIN

I have all the reasons to be happy. To be excited.

• I just got my copy of Mass Effect 2.
• I'll be going to Palawan on April.
• My birthday's in a few weeks. Although I'm not really sure if there's a reason to celebrate this year.
• Work seems to be light this week. Love all the idle times.
• My music player's filled with songs that I really love.
• I'm getting decent sleep these days.
• The doctor says that my body's practically healthy with a few exceptions.
• I have money. I'm not spending too much these days.
• I'm losing weight.
• Cathy and Hermes have already been evicted out of the Big Brother House.
• Showtime's back.
• My room was cleaned by my dad.
• I finally get to interact with fellow bloggers outside of this blog.

But they all pale compared to how much I'm missing somebody. Still not one day pass by without me thinking about him. It's hard going back to the life before you.

I want to forget you!! I really do.

Damn. Must be that time of the month again.

Is it a full moon outside?

GAME FACE

Let's put off with the rantings and emo-ness for this post. I miss raving about shallow stuff in my blog. I miss geeking out. So this is just self-indulgence.

My favorite games ever!!!

RESIDENT EVIL SERIES
I love this series. I finished all of the games of the series (except for RE5, just because I have short attention span when it comes to my xbox games). I don't really know why I keep on playing these titles, when it really scares me. I play this in the middle of the night with all the lights off, and you often hear me screaming whenever a zombie jumps out of nowhere. It's crazy, but it's addicting. The stories are often shallow, and the dialogue's mostly cheesy, but it's addicting. My favorite would be Resident Evil 4 just because it's mostly a pretty game.

FINAL FANTASY SERIES
I love Japanese RPGs. And this one's the best of them. My addiction started with FF8. I loved the story of Squall and Rinoa. And I loved how you could play this game for a hundred hours and still have alot of things to do. Yes, this series is not for the impatient bunch because it's all about gaining experience to become the perfect character. Leveling up your magicians, your warriors, your rogues, basically your whole party. March will see the release of the thirteenth installment of the franchise, and I can't wait to get my hands on this game.

MASS EFFECT
I just finished the first game of this supposed trilogy this morning in anticipation of the sequel that will be released this week. In comparison to Japanese RPGs, western made role playing games are much shorter and more action-packed. This game revolutionized the whole genre, providing not only such beautiful cinematics but also depth in terms of gameplay. You make your decisions not only on how to answer people, but also on how stories will be played out. You could be a goody-goody soldier, or a ruthless renegade. And what's best about it, is that all these decisions will come back and haunt you when you play the sequel!!! Woohoo!!!

GRAND THEFT AUTO
Open world games or sandbox games are really addictive. And the whole GTA franchise is probably the most addictive of all the titles in this genre. You don't need to play the game. Just steal a car and cruise around Vice City, Liberty City or whatever city the game is set in and crank your radio up to eleven and you'd still be satisfied. GTA4 is my favorite of the series just because it's set-up in pseudo New York and it's really beautiful. I love the graphics, the story, the missions, the gameplay. Everything about the game is perfect. It's got sex, violence and this basically where I release all those pent-up anger. Just a perfect game all in all.

GEARS OF WAR
I love action games. I'm straighter that way. I love shooting people, or in this case locusts (aliens and not the insect) in the head. I think if I take on shooting in real life, I'd be good at it just because I excel in these weapons in these games. Anyway I played and loved both Gears of War titles. These are some of the best titles in xbox's library. It's gritty. It's scary. It's innovative. I know it's an alien war game, but still you can't help but say this game looks pretty.

ELDER SCROLLS IV: OBLIVION
I clocked in about a hundred and fifty hours playing this game. And I don't think I'm even halfway the main story of this title. Bethesda's massive world in this role playing game is not only littered with hundreds of missions, but it's a game where you can literally explore the entire map. There are games that I've called pretty, but this one, I'd have to say beautiful. You can stop always stop and admire the beautiful landscape, not only of cities or towns, but even caves could be such a spectacle. This was actually the reason why I bought an Xbox. Too bad my disc broke before I was able to finish this title. I'm looking for an original copy of this game and am willing to pay whatever to be able to play this game again.

KINGDOM HEARTS
It's games like this why I so miss having a Playstation. This is the title where you can play characters from Walt Disney and the Final Fantasy series. I miss playing Sora, Goofy and Donald Duck. I remember how the hair from my skin goes up whenever characters like Simba, Jack Sparrow, Aladdin and even Peter Pan start making their appearance in each world that I visit. I love this game.

METAL GEAR SERIES
Solid Snake is probably one of the most kick-ass video game character of all time. He's a hardass soldier of the future who's brilliant in stealth as well as... well everything else. He eats snakes. Takes on robots and vampires. And his games are as difficult as hell to defeat. But I don't care. It's always about the experience you have whenever you play a game that is important. And playing any Metal Gear game is always a treat to play. If ever I decide to buy a PS3, this will be the first title I'll be looking for.

TEKKEN SERIES
Of all the fighting games in the market, this is definitely the prettiest. I play this game not only to unlock the secret characters but also to watch every character's ending cinematics. And of all the fighting games, this is probably the most realistic in terms of doability (is this a term?). Anyway, it borrows moves from karate, taekwondo, judo, wrestling, capoeira and just about every possible martial art. I love playing Hoarang, Law, Jin, Nina Williams, Xiaoyu and Yoshimitsu. I have slow fingers so I often lose to my nephews whenever we play this game. But no matter. It's still a good game.

Yeah I love playing video games. One of my dream jobs is to work for a video game company. I'm geeky like that.

12:25 AM

To demonstrate how boring these days have been, I thought to just chronicle a typical day for me is.

1:00pm - Normal time for waking up when I'm tired (12:30pm if workday was light)
1:10pm - Start up the computer. Check blogs. Update on comic books, games and other blogger's lives.
4:45pm - Watch Pinoy Big Brother Double Up Uber
6:00pm - Prepare for work (take a bath, dress up, usual grooming things except on Wednesdays and Thursdays when American Idol is on, then I prepare for work earlier)
7:00pm - Travel (fx and then bus 7)
8:00pm - Fix my station. Prepare for start of shift. Do last minute internet moments.
9:00pm - Start work. Process orders, floorwalk, assist new hires. Browse internet. Listen to music. Read comics. Stare at crushie from a distance.
12:00mn - Lunch. More internet moments.
1:00am - Start work. Process orders, floorwalk, assist new hires. Browse internet. Listen to music. Read comics. Stare at crushie from a distance.
6:00am - Go home.
7:00am - Sleep.

And repeat. For weekends, just copy what I do at 1:00pm and paste that for the rest of the day. Except when I have money and I go out with some friends. Or if I have a new Xbox game, then that's what I do for half of the day. The rest I spend in front of the computer.

This whole doing nothing but sit in front of the computer has taken it's toll on my eyes and I think pretty soon I'd need to wear glasses.

I need something more to do.

Something new.

One day this year I will be spontaneous.

****************

PS
Scratch the last line. There will be 10 days this year, I will do something that I have never done before. I will chronicle them here.

Now, what should I do on that first day?

PLAYLIST

There's nothing like good songs to lift you up when you're a little low. The past few days, I was pissed off at work because some loser stole my earphones. Serves me right actually, leaving it plugged in my desktop. It's just disappointing because everyone's earning some good pay working where I work, yet there are still people who can't keep their hands to their own stuff.

Anyway, that's over now. I bought me a new music player. The exact one, I was supposed to get for free, if only I went to that blogger event a few months ago. That means I get to walk along the streets of Makati with music in my ears again.

I know it's kinda emo/cheesy, but songs keep me company. Makes life seem less lonely. It's like they're talking to me. Sometimes they tell a story. Other times they give a piece of advice. There are times and there are songs that don't necessarily make sense, but they're just nice to listen to.

So the past weekend, I've been downloading songs for the player to keep me company.

FIREFLIES (Owl City)
Absolutely no idea what this song is about. It could be about a guy who's afraid to sleep at night in the dark. I don't know. This song does not make any sense. I don't know if I'm stupid, but it really doesn't no matter how I read back the lyrics. But whatever. It sounds nice to the ears.

GOOD LIFE (One Republic)
I need to be reminded of this these days. The new year didn't start off good for me. The song
tells us that we're all young and we should enjoy life. That's how you can say you lived, if you enjoyed everything you've done in your life. Well, it is a good life.

JUST MY LUCK (McFly)
It's an upbeat song I got from the company's common folder. You know how sometimes a romantic comedy movie opens with an upbeat song. This one sounds exactly like one. A song you'd like to wake up to. I like it.

AFTER TONIGHT (Justin Nozuka)
There's something about acoustic music that gets me - I don't know - energized. It could be the cool voice. The strums of the guitar. It could be the suave lyrics. It's kinda sexy. I don't know. It could be just me. But this song, I love this one. I really wish I could find a way to post these music here in my blog so you could hear them too.

WHATCHA SAY (Jason Derulo)
I often hear this song on television when a bad guy does something nasty or reveals something bad in a particular scene. So it initially didn't make an impression on me. But when I saw Daiyel's acapella version of this song on youtube. I fell in love (with the song, not the singer.. well the singer's okay but-). So now I can't stop playing this song whenever I'm online. I even recorded the video on my phone. I'm such a loser. =P

BREAKEVEN (The Script)
My emo break-up song. I don't know why I still listen to this song, when it only reminds me of how bad break ups are for people. The song says, when a heart breaks, it don't break even. Someone's always left behind. Someone's left to fall to pieces. I guess it's the truth behind the song that gets me.

COME ON GET HIGH (Matt Nathanson)
Another song that I don't necessarily understand the lyrics, but I love the melody. Matt Nathanson's songs are ones I could listen to all day without getting tired. Just like Jason Mraz, John Mayer, Jon McLaughlin, Matt White or James Morrison. Great songs backed up by awesome vocals.

EH EH (Lady Gaga)
This is a fun song. Actually this is the only song by Lady Gaga that I can tolerate listening to in long periods. It's a sissy song, I know, but in a funny way I feel good listening to this. Just don't tell anyone I have this on my playlist.

SAY (John Mayer)
I need to listen to John Mayer. He's been telling me to say what I need to say. Maybe if I did, I'd find out that this guy I've grown a liking to, likes me too. John makes great points on this song. It's better to say too much, than to never to say what you need to say again.

So there you go. My playlist. What's in yours?

GOODIE TWO SHOES

People say that to enjoy one's life, he has to experience everything that it has to offer.

Both the good and the bad.

I've been complaining that I've lived a boring life free of risks and haven't done a lot of taking chances. While on the commute home earlier this morning, I realized I haven't actually been a very good boy. I have done some things that I shouldn't have.

I have done things that let's just say we should do at least once in our lives.

PAY FOR SEX
I've done this once. The guy, posted something on those cable text channels a few years ago. It was a good month for me back then. Let's say, I was extremely lucky at work, and got a huge paycheck. I found his post interesting so I texted him. Richard. He really worked me with his text messages, and to be honest I got turned on. So I went to his place and we did it. He was really good. How he delivered was worth more than what I gave him. And it wasn't that much.
But no matter how good the deed was, I never did that again.

PHONE DEEDS
To be honest, I never enjoyed phone sex. I never caught on with this. I guess it has to do with the way my first time fell through. The girl was hilarious. She turned on something else in me that night. My funny bone. But I did it. A few times too after that. But it's not that interesting for me. I still go for the real thing.

WEEDS
Oh this one, I did more than once. It's something I always wanted to do before. Do something bad. Something stupid. I've heard alot of hype about smoking weeds. And I've seen how this affected some of my co-workers before. So I was actually excited to know how this would work on me. Unfortunately, the four times I smoked this I felt nothing after. Absolutely nothing. My friends would laugh non-stop. Loses inhibitions. Felt really tired. Got crazy. But me. Nada. Nothing. Made me think if those people were just acting up, because they were high, or I was just really boring.

SHOPLIFT
For a long time, I told myself I've never shoplifted in my life. But then I remembered, I did. A couple of comic books. Accidentally. It was about four or five years ago. I was tipsy back then, I went to Filbars in Glorietta. I asked to check some comic books on the rack. I did pay for two comic books, but I bagged five. So I got three comics for free. My heart was pounding really fast, like it wanted to get out of my chest. It was something I don't want to feel anymore. The guilt was so strong I was willing to bury it down deep in my memory.

CHEAT
In college, we had one professor who likes defying the norm. He was a radical teacher, and we did learn a lot of things from him. He was the cool guy among a flock of conservative professors. So one time, he thought of giving us the answers to his finals exam. Unfortunately, he got caught. And got fired. So as a way of saying fuck you to the system. He found the answer keys to the replacement tests and gave it to us. We denied having gotten hold of the answer key and aced the test. The subject... Theology.

I am an ass sometimes.

But these things. They make my life less boring.

STANDARDS

I wonder why alot of PLU's have such high standards?

I mean, we only have like very limited choices in terms of people we can have a relationship with.

Not that settling for who's available is right.

But, if you know it's close to impossible for one to bag the perfect catch, why not settle for the next best thing?

Is that so one could have and show off a trophy boyfriend?

Or is being with a good looking guy with a near perfect body the only way they could be happy?

Would you still be with a person if he's got the biggest dick and at the same time, the smallest brain?

Does it make you happy being with the most gorgeous guy, but you have absolutely nothing in common?

What's with people having high standards, when they themselves are flawed?

Sigh. Standards.

***************
By the way, I did not get dumped by someone with high standards. I'm just asking.

RESOLUTIONS

Relationships (or failed ones in that matter) reminded me that I wasn't prepared to enter one. It may have been because of me, or it could have been because of the partner. One shouldn't put blame on anyone if relationships don't work. It is possible that it's not the right time or you two just aren't meant to be.

What's important is that you learn something from it. I have had plenty of failed relationships. And with that some realizations about the things I have to change. To I guess prepare myself for when the right one comes.

• Start trusting your partner more. Don't be paranoid specially if that person isn't giving you any reason to be.
• Be careful when uttering the words 'I love you.' Those three words are the easiest to say, but it's the most difficult to mean.
• Everything starts with kilig. But it doesn't mean that it'll last. You know you really love the person when you still enjoy the presence of him long after the kilig is gone.
• Relationships shouldn't be complicated. We only make things one. If you love that person, then you love that person. No what if's. No but's. It should just be simple.
• Before anything else, the first person I should love is myself.
• There's nothing wrong with giving your partner too much of your love. That's fine. But don't expect everything you give will be given back to you in return.
• I shouldn't keep my feelings too much to myself. If I have a problem, I should learn to talk to my partner. I'm not a girl, and my partner's not a psychic.
• I should learn to appreciate more the things that my partner does for me.
• I should exert more effort as well in keeping the relationship working. I shouldn't give up on the first sign that things aren't working. Trying is not just a word.
• And one more thing, I need to learn to approach the people that I like. Adoring your crush from a distance is not going to bring me anywhere. I should act on it too.
  

I'm not sure if I'm ready to look for another one. These things, they aren't easy. And heartbreaks are always difficult. But then again, we don't know when we're going to meet the one.

But there's nothing wrong with preparing for the one now. Who knows, he maybe just around the corner.

:(

Apparently, this is how the first week of the year is going to greet me.

Two deaths (my dog and one of my favorite professors in college).

One end of friendship.

And a waiter spilling iced tea all over me.

Worst weekend ever.

I have told myself to be happier this year. To smile more. But I just can't help but be emotional over all the things that happened today. This past weekend. This past few days.

I always put on a happy face, but I'm still just a man. I get hurt. And when these things happen, you can't help but feel sad.

These days make me feel alone. It's depressing. It's not a day that I want to relive. I hate it. This is a low point in my life.

I know I'd rather just forget about this day and move on. And I will, I promise. But I want to remember this day. This is the day, I'm brought back to earth. The night I go to bed with tears on my pillow. It's the saddest day of my life.

And there's no way I'm going to let this day happen to me ever again.

There's no other way but up.

MIMAY AND ME

Mimay is the type of dog, any animal lover would adore.

She's extremely loyal. And although she's not trained, she doesn't know any tricks, she may not even be the prettiest dog out there, it did not affect how much she loved us.

I have fond memories of Mimay.

I remember during her prime, she would often follow us wherever we go. I could go biking around the village, and she would just stroll along with me. One time she even chased my dad while he was driving from our house to our business several blocks away.

Although she knows no tricks, our dog is one of the most talented animals I've ever known. Everyone in our neighborhood knows her, and they love her because she was our puppy factory. She produced some of the cutest puppies ever (in my opinion at least). And what's good about her is that she's not selfish with her litter. In fact, she's the one excited for us to see her babies.
I remember one time, my mother was beside her during one of her difficult labors.

My mom really loves that dog. And that dog loves her too. A couple of years ago, when my parents left for the States for a six month vacation, we all know the dog missed them. She lost her appetite. She lost some teeth and fur. It may have been old age then, but when came back, so was the dog's energy. Her hair grew back and she got to the way she was before my parents left. It's probably a miracle. But our explanation for it was that she's happy again her masters are with her again.

She died late this morning. I wasn't with her, and we were more or less expecting she'll join our creator soon as she's been sick for the last couple of weeks.

But that doesn't take away the fact that we'll miss her. Greatly. She taught us dogs don't have to have breed to love it's owners. Loving us is in their nature.

I'll miss you Mimay. I love you so much.

Goodbye.

NO FATAL ATTRACTION

What's the point of this being a kiss and tell when there's nothing much to tell, yeah?

I'm being emo at the moment, so to lighten up my day, let me talk about my crushes. My inspiration for coming to work everyday, going to school (back then), and sometimes for waking up in the morning (or afternoon) in my case.

I don't have alot of crushes because when I do have those, it takes a long time before the attraction disappears. Specially if I see them on a daily basis.

THE HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH
This crush went on from 4th grade all the way until I graduated from high school. Patrick was the 'crush ng bayan' back then. Girls from the all-girl school next door and all the gays from ours swoon over his casual demeanor. He was the cool guy from class. The boy next door. He was really one of the better looking people from our batch. He's the guy we often call only to hang-up the phone when he answers. Yeah, I was a loser in high school. But he was one of the people back then who made those four years a bit more tolerable. Too bad he didn't grow up to be as dashing as he was back then.

OFFICE INSPIRATION
I'm only attracted to one guy in the office at the moment. The company I work for is overflowing with attractive men (specially one department... I think that's our Sales Support or Finance department I'm not really sure), but there's only one guy who makes my knees shake. I am not going to name this person because I'm pretty sure that someone from our Operating Unit reads my blog. But this guy, he's the reason I always stand up from my desk whenever I'm not doing anything. Too bad he sits far from us, but that's okay. I'm fine adoring him from a distance. He's not that attractive, but he has this cool demeanor to him that I have an affinity for. Been trying to stalk him on facebook, unfortunately he doesn't have one. Apparently, he's too cool for that.

THE MODEL
Marco Lobregat is my inspiration for writing. Back when I was in college, he was the reason why I buy Philippine Star every Wednesday. He had an article for YS back then. I'm not sure where he is now, but back then he was big in the modeling world. I tried to follow his career path back then. Recorded his television ads. Cut out and kept his articles (which when I read now, I think is kinda shallow). I did try to invite him to be a friend in friendster, but apparently he doesn't accept strangers on his account. Which is fine. He was gorgeous though. Too bad he's no longer here in the country.

THE REPORTER
Ryan Chua from ABS-CBN is one of the few people who makes me want to watch the news regularly. He's gay too, and I'm sure he's open about that. He's a friend of mine in facebook, and I like it that he sometimes reply to my comments on his status updates. He's got this boyish look that I really adore. Makes me want to just grab him and cuddle him like a baby (nakakagigil!!!). Anyway, he's already taken so that's kind of sad. But that's fine. It's just a little crush.

THE BLOGGERS
Oh there are two writers here that I always look forward to visiting. I'm not sure how they look like in real life, but I'm really attracted to their wit, their flair and their style in writing. I'm not going to name them because I'm shy, and I doubt if they care that I do. But they're two people whose comments I look forward to receiving, or their posts I anticipate reading. I think they're intelligent people, and judging by what they write, they'd be ideal partners. I'm not sure if they are taken or not, but I'm sure if they are, the people they're with are certainly lucky. Someday I'd have the balls to ask them out.

Actually, there are about 3 or 4 more bloggers who give me the jitters whenever I visit their site or vice versa, but those two stands out the most for me.

So yeah, I feel a bit better now. Kinikilig.

Who are you attracted to? Who's your crush? Spill it.

5IVE MONTHS IN

I've been around the blog universe for quite awhile now. But it's only been until I put up this blog that I got to read more of online journals created by PLUs. I've written about my observations here in the past, but those were just initial impressions.

Five months in, and some of my views of this side of the blog universe have changed. Of course there are still that's the same, but there are still some new things I've noticed.

CLIQUES
This was pointed out by Mak to me when we chatted a couple of weeks ago. Even in blogs, cliques still exist. There seems to be cliques that include the kids, the high maintenance PLUs, the straight acting only guys and others. I mean that's fine, as long as everyone is at peace. There are no blog wars happening, and everyone just moves on their own blog circles it's all well and good. But then again some wars are fought on a different battleground. I'd know, I dated a blogger, and heard stories about bloggers arguing with other bloggers, and factions being created because of it. I don't have a clique here, I try to get along with everyone I visit and those who visit me. It's just that, in a world where PLUs long to be accepted they still find it hard to belong.

SUPER EMO
I don't know if it's attention-seeking or whatever, but there are just writers who aren't happy. There are blogs I've visited that rarely posted articles that are positive. It always has to be drama. Drama. DRAMA. I could understand if the writer is going through something sad like a cheating boyfriend or a recent break-up. But there are people who for no reason just likes to write sad stuff. And worse, it's like they're enjoying telling those stuff. You're not reading of things they'll do to be happier or to make things better. I'm sorry but my tolerance for the negative stuff is really short.

GURU
I have said this before. PLU bloggers are some of the smartest people I know. I learned alot from their write-ups. Their articles. Your comments on my posts. Some of you may be younger than I am, but you give advice like you're the most mature person in the world. So that's one thing I'm grateful for, putting up this blog. Meeting people like that. But I'd still stick to what I said before, there are quite a number of bloggers who love to write stuff that gives me nosebleeds that last for hours on end.

ROMANTICS
Cheesy people transcend sex. And bloggers living an alternative lifestyle are the ones I notice who overflows of cheesiness. I am guilty of being one. Backread through my posts last November, and you'd puke reading through articles written by a lovesick puppy. We all long for romance and meeting the right one, because honestly for us, true love comes rarely. And if it's through writing our dream guys, or hopes for relationships to come or ideals in romance, then we just let it all out here. Of course, there's still those who are realistic. But it's nice that even if they don't really believe in the cheesy stuff, they still support us when we find people that we like.

So it's been five months already of Engel's tell all or kiss and tell, whatever. And I've met alot of people (well not personally, but you know what I mean) who've changed my views about this side of the universe. Some have already left. Some have put their blogs on private, so I can't really visit them anymore. Some have become friends/chatmates/textmates and even became an ex. There are people who have earned my respect. There are also those I've formed a crush on. And there are those I'd like to really finally meet if only to pick their brains (and date). I just either don't have the guts to ask them and/or I have no way to ask them out.

But seriously, the blogging community that I've met here are people I generally like. Some I would not agree with. But mostly they're people I think I could be good friends with in the real world.

BECAUSE I LACK ORIGINALITY

When I talk to gay people who are way older than I am, they often tell me that the one thing they dislike is a closet gay person. They tell me that those people won't truly be happy unless they free themselves from the 4 walls of their closets. They often tell me this while staring intently at me.

I get it, they can snuff out people like them. And their gaydar is accurate enough. I'm pretty sure when they told me that, it was meant as an advice. It's probably true.

I've been reading alot of 'coming out' stories the past few weeks, and I thought why not tell them my coming out story.

It's actually corny. No plates were thrown. No drama. Well, there was a little drama.

I came out to my friends about six times. Twice to my housemates, to my three other friends and to my best friend / one-time-love-of-my-life.

HOUSEMATES
This happened the last few months of my stay in Marikina with my housemates. I was with Cedric back then. When I haven't outed myself yet, we were most of the time sneaking around, and it was difficult. While I could always go to their house, it's a twenty minute ride away from the office, while our apartment was just a three minute walk.

But then of course, living with others you also have to be careful not to get caught doing the nasty, so I decided to tell my friends.

It was difficult, making that decision, number one the reason for my coming out was quite selfish. And my friends, no matter how long we've been together as friends you wouldn't know how they would react when the truth is told. And even if all four of them are good friends, I've known of friends falling out because they can't accept that the guy is gay.

Suffice to say, they were shocked. They had no idea. They knew I tried to court one of our female colleague. But they were happy for me. They didn't like the guy I was with, but they knew that my coming out was a burden off my shoulder. I didn't tell all of them, instead I gave them permission to tell a couple more in our barkada the truth about me.

The next day was touching, because they decided it's time for all of us to have a group hug.

They did what I always hoped my friends would do. They accept me.

THE BEST FRIEND
I've written about him already and what happened after I outed myself. But for the sake of those who forgot or are new to this blog, I'll tell it again.

Joy was one of my best friends/constant gimmick buddy/love of my life. He's straight.

During that time, he just broke up with his girlfriend of nine years. That was the time we really got close. We often would talk on the phone for hours. Go out have coffee dates or watch a movie. We've been friends for two years at that time. And people (specially the gay guys) often envy my friendship with him because he's hot.

At that time I was head over heels in love with this guy. Like I'd resort to witchcraft or I'd be willing to sell my soul to the devil just so he could reciprocate his feelings for me.

So one day, he finally decided to finally move on from his heartache. That actually meant for him to meet up with new girls and date around. Being young and stupid, I felt threatened for our friendship.

One drunk evening I decided to pour out my heart on a text message for Joy that not only outed me, but also professed my undying love for the guy. (Don't blame me, during the time I haven't outed myself to other people, and I had no one to talk to about my situation). He avoided me after that, and we didn't talk to each other for two years.

He told me he felt betrayed then by what I did. I understand his point of view. But honestly, I tell you, that was one of the biggest heartbreak I had. As in I cried over him for days, and it took me a long time to move on. I not only lost a prospect, it was the end of friendship that made it feel crappy.

We did recover that friendship eventually. And we're still very good friends. Recalling that incident, we can only laugh and joke about it.

But that was a close call.

**********
I still have alot of friends who don't know about me. In the office, only one person knows about me. Other people definitely have doubts about me, but I'm in no mood to out myself at work. I don't have that many friends there and I'd rather keep to myself.

If I am to out myself again, I always make sure that the people who knows are those I could trust to stay after.

I know it shouldn't really be a big deal. Even if let's say they know I'm gay, it's not like I act like a girl or I have malicious thoughts about my friends. But people are not really as open-minded about the situation unlike my friends. I was lucky that they accept who I am, but not everyone is like that.

But it is true. Once you let other people know about you, it's a bit more liberating. A burden off my shoulder. A thorn taken out of my heart.

Now if only I could figure out how to tell my folks.

BACK WHEN I WAS LITTLE

In my last post, I wrote about contemplating on whether to go out with a girl again or not. It has been awhile since I went out on a date with the opposite sex. I guess the concept of changing things this year got to me.

But then I read this post I wrote a few years ago from my other blog. Made me think twice about going out with a girl.

The past few of days have been a roller coaster ride. I did not fall in love... Almost did, but unfortunately, it did not fall through...

REASON: It was not meant to be...

I met Lyanne in the chatroom a few days ago... The whole thing was wrong from the very beginning, come to think of it... We already were wrong for each other from the moment I received my first text message from her.

But I guess boredom would make you settle for anything less than you expected or wanted. We still texted each other, simply because there's no one else to text, or talk to... It turned out, in some way, there were things that the two of have in common... We were sweet to each other that she even called me 'dadz'. We decided to meet the next day...

Long story short, she was not that much into me, looks wise. Being dumped several times in my life already, I would know... She's not different with the other people who's turned me down... Yes, she looked nice and hot... and I looked like a drab... No effort from my part... But I believe that anyone who would like me when I looked my worst, likes me sincerely... I knew that she didn't but I turned a blind eye hoping that what I had to offer was enough to woe her into liking me...

It was stupid, and I know that... So yesterday I texted her about my status... THis is how the text conversation went...

Me: ilan ang nanliligaw sayo, o kaya yung nagpaparamdam?
Lyanne: 4
Me: kasama na ako dyan?
Lyanne: Nop
Me: Ang dami! So kung irank mo kami, pang-ilan ako?
Lyanne: Di ko masasabi, lahat kayo nasa getting to know each other stage pa lang...
Me: Okay, so pag nag-exert ba ako ng effort para ligawan ka, may pag-asa ba ako?
Lyanne: You don't have to just be yourself.
Me: Now that's my problem with you di ko nafifeel na you want to get to know me better.
Lyanne: That's up to you. Kung gusto mo friends muna tayo.
Me: Wow! Salamat!
Me: No offense meant, but I deserve better. I sincerely hope na mahanap dun sa 4 yung taong magmamahal sayo ng totoo.
Lyanne: if you're not going to say anything nice to me, then spare me!
Me: Im just being realistic, but ako pag nagmahal ako binibigay ko ang lahat... Now, kung hindi kayang suklian ng taong mahal ko yung mga iaalay ko, then she does not deserve my love...

I was younger back when that happened. I was a little immature. Don't think things through. I was a jerk, and it serves me right why nothing happened between us. And I've moved on to better things after her. But that may also have been a sign that I'm not meant for a straight life after all.

That was almost four years ago.

I don't attack people who dislike me anymore.

Oh yeah, this is also why sometimes it sucks having a blog. You get to read back the stupid things you did when you were younger.

I'd bitchslap the me who did that.