Angelversary

Today is Micah's birthday. It is hard to think that it has been three years. Part of me feels like it has been an eternity. So many of those days seemed to drag on and on. I feel like much of the past few years was spent living half way. I mostly did what needed to be done but not much more. It makes me sad to think about how much time my kids lost not having a happy,

present and fully committed mommy. So much has changed. And it took a long time. Life is so fulfilling and happy now. Life is good. No, it's great!

I bore my testimony in church this month. Over the years my testimony has become different things. After Micah died my testimony was my life line. It helped me to navigate through something I had no idea how to get through. It carried me through a long period of time that could have easily swallowed me whole. But now my testimony is more that just something to hold onto. It has become a magnifier. It increases my joys into something even greater. There are moments that I share with my family that make my heart swell with pure joy because I fully recognize my blessings now. I know what I am working towards and my testimony enables me to weed out the things standing in my way.

Healing takes a long time. There are many pieces in my healing puzzle. My faith is the biggest piece right in the center. There is peace, comfort, and understanding given through prayer and study. The moments when I question everything that happened I return to the things that I have faith in and all is right again. My husband is the next piece of that puzzle. What a loving and sweet companion I have. There is no end to his concern and strength. Wrapped in his arms I feel he is my rock. My children are of course in my healing puzzle. They continue to thank God for Micah in their prayers. They give my life meaning and purpose and force me to be unselfish. The last pieces are friends and family that have been a great example to me through their righteous lives and kind deeds. It has taken quite a while to put all of these pieces together.

My greatest joy this past year is the birth of our newest little one, Mit. He is now 8 months old and full of spunk and smiles. I have never felt so at home with myself as when I have a baby settled on my hip. He is a wellspring of joy in our home. Just looking at him brings a smile to all of our faces. I have never felt so blessed in my whole life.

Happy Birthday to my forever baby, Micah. I have learned so much about myself and life because of him. I would never have chosen for this to happen, but there are things I have learned that I would not have been able to learn any other way. I feel honored to be his mother. I hope I will do everything I can to deserve him. Today we donated afghans to the hospital for infant bereavement gifts. We did this last year on Micah's birthday as well. I wanted to learn how to do something to remember him each year and hopefully help a few other people in the process. Tonight we will have angel food cake and get out Micah's box and look through his things and the kids will color pictures for him.

I am so thankful for all of the things God has given me, especially my angel baby. However much I miss him, I am truly grateful.

O.K.

Wow!

So many babies.

New born babies born to my friends.

A few of them are Angel Mommies.

I am so happy for them.

Maybe I wouldn't have been a while ago.

I am sure I would have been quite jealous.

But I am undeniably and extremely happy for them.

I have envisioned what that moment would be like.

I have thought about a safe, healthy, living and breathing newborn being placed in my arms.

I have almost felt what that little bundle of perfect

softness would feel like.

Every time I have thought about it I have teared up with happiness.

So today I am utterly happy for what these parents are experiencing. And I have nothing but the kindness thoughts and wishes for them.

Babies are such a divine gift.

I know that more than ever now.

I thought that I would be pregnant by this summer.

I've been to the doctors and we have been "trying".

But we haven't had any luck yet.

I've had to ask myself how I would feel if for some

reason I couldn't get pregnant again.

Of course I would be sad.

But I would also be o.k.

I count myself very lucky to be blessed with two healthy and happy children. And I look forward to one day being reunited with Micah and having the opportunity to mother him.

What a miracle!

I have been blessed three times over.

So I know I will be o.k.

I don't always have to get want I want to be happy.

There is always happiness to be found.

But I have to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't.

But I guess that is the great secret of happy living for every person on this earth.

I am starting to feel a real change.

I am dancing with my kids again.

I am making funny faces with Payton again.

I am laughing at my own lame jokes again.

I am making bread again and actually doing the dishes every day.

I am going to be o.k.

I might even be really happy.

Doing All Day

Today I went to a little get together with some other ladies.

Someone that I didn't know was making conversation with me

and after I told her my kids were in school she said,

"so what do you do all day?"

Hmmmmm, What do I do all day?

I honestly didn't feel like answering her question. I think I just mumbled something and she looked at me kind of strangely and that was that.

Am I supposed to have a job or something? Am I supposed to have a craft enterprise since I have so much time on my hands? Should I be exercising all day or going to school or organizing charitable events?

Maybe I should be. I don't know.

How do you answer that question when you are just a normal woman trying to build a home for your family. Isn't that my job?

She didn't mean anything by it I am sure.

It's just me, my insecurity.

I sometimes get the feeling that other women look at me and wonder what I am doing with myself.

I never thought I would be an almost thirty year old woman with two kids in school most of the day. I thought I would be busy for years and years having and raising babies.

I guess I am still trying to figure all of this out.

That is what I'm doing all day.

Until then....??

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle

Everything I do is stitched with its color.

~W.S. Merwin

 What is it about this experience that has alienated me from normal living?  Every decision I make is wrapped up into one continuous stream of what happened.   

I have accepted that I might never be the person I was before this. And in many ways I am ok with that. But there are some things that I miss. I miss being able to have friends and make new friends and have funny things to say.  For the life of me I can't bring myself to talk to anyone. Not because I don't care but because I am terrified.  I can't think of anything to say anymore. I tell myself to try...just try and talk to someone. Every conversation I have with another person I count as a victory.  But I am completely exhausted from the effort.  

On the days I am happy and feeling capable are the days that gratitude reins and I am thankful for all that I still have.  The days that are harder are the days that I feel broken and remember my inability to protect my baby.  And that is when I feel that I must not be able to do anything if I couldn't do that. 

So you see....every single day is woven with the same thread. In and out, in and out. Whether I am happy or sad  this solitary thread influences many thoughts and actions.  

I imagine that sometime in the near future other threads will be added in and this one thread wont be stealing so much attention.  Maybe a spark for life will be weaved in.  Maybe a thread of confidence will be added. Maybe I will find that I didn't really lose myself but rather returned to who I was supposed to be. 

I just keep telling myself to bide my time and don't give up. I imagine that some day all of this will make sense and I will look back and understand it all.  Every lonely day will have taught me something.  I am grateful for every thread added to my life's work because I do believe that they are all working together to make something I couldn't make on my own. 

Living In Holland

Emily Kingsley, a mother raising a child with special needs, wrote an essay about what her life is like. I think that it applies to most everyone at some point in time.  It especially applies to those of us that have been placed on a much different path than what was expected.

In her own words, 

"When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

Like many of you, my plans to go to Italy where unexpectedly derailed.  But now I am in Holland. It is different than Italy and Italy would have been magical and great. And I miss the idea of Italy....because I never got to know that place. But the Lord has given me something else and it is beautiful too.  I will always be grateful for my brief flight toward Italy and what I thought I was getting and what I felt and experienced on the way. And even though I ultimately landed in a different place my heart will be with Italy as I grow and learn and become in Holland. 

 

Hope

"The Lord wants us to be filled with hope—not just because it points us to a brighter tomorrow, but because it changes the quality of our lives today. Hopeless may be the saddest word in our language. Despair is the enemy of our souls. It can paralyze us, halt our progress, and cause us to lose our way. But hope awakens us like a light shining in the darkness.

You remember that the thirteenth article of faith states: “We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things” We can endure all things when our hope is centered in one who will never fail us—our Savior, Jesus Christ, who is the light of the world.

How do we develop that hope—that hope that lights our way across life’s stormy seas? There are times when darkness surrounds us and threatens to engulf us altogether. At such times we can take a lesson from the brother of Jared. You remember the Lord instructed the brother of Jared to make barges so his people could travel safely to the promised land. But because these boats were dark and without air, the brother of Jared took his concerns to the Lord in words that any of us might use to describe our own troubled times: “There is no light. … we cannot breathe” ( Ether 2:19).

How does a person venture out into the darkness without fear? How do any of us venture out day after day into a world where there are no guarantees of safety? The Lord gave a profound answer that again applies not just to the dark sea the brother of Jared faced, but to our own dark seas as well: “Ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea” ( Ether 2:25). “I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea” ( Ether 2:24). The Lord was not going to spare the Jaredites from the experience, but he prepared them for it and gave them the sweet promise of bringing them up again out of the depths of the sea.

Then the brother of Jared asked the Lord, How are we to get light in vessels without windows? And the Lord said: “What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels?” (Ether 2:23).

The Lord wanted the brother of Jared to suggest a solution, and he did well. He went to the mountain and refined out of a rock sixteen stones clear as transparent glass. I cannot imagine that this was an easy task; it took time and faith. When he finished, he took these stones to the Lord, asking the Lord to stretch forth His finger and make them shine so that his people might not travel in the terrifying darkness. And the Lord did touch the stones with light.

Like the Jaredites, we’re afraid of traveling in the darkness, and we need light, which is hope. Sometimes, in the midst of our problems, we lose the vision of why we’re here or where we’re going. We wonder if we’re equal to the tasks that are given us. It is then that we can ask the Lord to touch the unlighted stones of our lives with light. He can deliver peace and hope when all around us speak against it.

“Touch my life with light,” we can ask the Lord. “Fill my heart with hope.” The Lord will do this if we ask in faith and continue to live his commandments. Like the brother of Jared, it is only with the Lord’s light that we can see all things clearly.

Why do we need to have hope?

Hope casts out fear. This is a world where our safety is never assured. ... He will help us through our trials; He will consecrate them to our good. Our seeming misfortunes can often become blessings.

Hope means we really trust the Lord.

Hope gives us perspective. Because we know we are living not just for this life, but for another, eternal one as well, we look at life’s events differently. As you review the last year or the last ten years, what is the best day you remember? A person without hope centered in Christ may choose a day that was simply fun or easy. But the best day may really have been the one when life’s events forced you to your knees to communicate with your Father with new intent; it may have been a day that wasn’t convenient or even happy, but you became a bigger and better person when you faced a problem with courage.

Hope moves us to action. When we have no hope for tomorrow, we do not move as effectively today. It is hope combined with faith that motivates us to plant the seed, that moves us when we’re too weary, that causes us to take the first step and then another.

You will have many challenges in your lives, but if you will always center your life in Jesus Christ and never lose hope, you will have peace. Remember that darkness has no power against the light.

Like the brother of Jared, it is only with the Lord’s light that we can see all things clearly."

(Dwan J. Young, “The Light of Hope,” Ensign, Nov 1986, 85)