Monday, April 12, 2010.
> 9:04 PM.
This week’s just gonna be another terrible terrible week, and I don’t how I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna be in a foul mood till God knows when.
for the last few months, i’ve been so doing well, telling lies to myself that are so convincing, I believed them. but i cannot take it anymore. i’ve run out of masks to put on, to cover up my misery. i’m tired of having to pretend that i’m happy, that i’m alright. i hate taking it out on other people, but i’m just so so damn tired of suppressing my emotions. Tired of having to hold back my tears whenever I see something/someone that reminds me of you. Tired of having to hold back my tears whenever anyone mentions you and when I’ll have to cook up some story, pretending that all’s well. Today was beyond horrid, cos somehow everything and everyone in school suddenly reminded me of you. I hate this. I hate myself for being such a coward and for being so weak. Why can’t I just pluck up the courage to talk to you? But on the other hand, why must I be the one? I wasn’t the one who stopped talking right. I wasn’t the one who said I was okay when I wasn’t. I know you must hate me so much right now that you want nothing do with me. maybe that’s what’s stopping me. but can’t you just say it then, out loud, to my face, then at least I’ll know and then I can stop wondering and move on with life. or maybe it’s just because… i’m not ready to give my explanations about everything to you. i just can’t put them into words cos whatever i’m going through now is a big jumble of mixed feelings and thoughts. coupled by the series of events that happened, i don't think i'll ever be able to find a suitable explanation for whatever that happened. sigh, i'm sick of having to worry about it all the time, when i don't need to and shouldn't have. i really thought i was getting over it all. but i realized, it's impossible. you can't just delete all the memories of the one you've known and loved your whole life. of the one whom you've had more memories of than your own siblings during the first years of your life. That’ll be like throwing away your childhood. Oh please, help… I need to get out of this forsaken void.
i swear, if i had known that it would last us even for just a little longer, i wouldn’t have said everything that i had. Now, everything that I had worked for, that I had sacrificed so much for- Ruined.
How do I come to terms with this- the awkwardness, the heartache, the anger and the lost.
