I am soooo NOT a blogger! LOl this is my first real attempt and I think I kinda got the hang of it?! I just use this as an outlet. There's alot that goes on in my life and I just dont like talking to or sharing it with anyone. I always feel like someones just going to throw it back in my face and normally that's what happens every single time. So why not just take to a website and share my thoughts or feelings with people I dont know?? Better out then in they say right? And who knows there may be someone out there goin through similar problems or situations. I believe everyone deserves a chance to be heard and or read! Without anyone trying to pass judgement!!!!

broken part1

This year I have made one of the hardest decisions I think I've ever made in my life! One of thee most hardest decisions I think I'll ever make in life period! Everyone can give advice about what it means to be an adult, what it means to be a woman, but no one can prepare you for the harsh realities of this world and what comes with being a woman.

As I opened the door a serious nervousness swept over me. As instantly as I walked in I wanted to walk back out. But there was something, a fear inside of me that kept my feet planted right there on that cold hard floor. I quickly made my way to the next set of doors avoiding eye contact with anyone. With all the nerves going on inside me I hurried along and swung open the next set of doors with such force they slammed against the wall as I walked in. Right then every ones attention was on me and I felt like a deer in headlights. That room was soo cold. And even though the room was pretty chatty all I could hear was dead silence. A pounding in my heart, I thought surely the woman sitting next to me could feel the vibrations in her seat.

I didn't belong there. I didn't want to be there. But I could not leave there. So i sat there waiting, waiting, waiting, and waiting playing through the 500$ folded up in my pocket. Every now and again I'd catch a convo between the other ladies, but still I never said a word. I was in disbelief at some of these ladies who were here for their second or third time. And here i am for my first.....I'm no saint. I can not describe to you the hurt and pain I felt both emotionally and physically. There was a deep sharp sinking in my stomach after all was said an done...and that's when reality really hit me. I just had an abortion. 8weeks pregnant and i just paid to have this pregnancy terminated.

I cried..i cried...i cried....i cried....i cried...i cried i cried and i cried. An to this day I wish I could take it all back. I wish i hadn't put myself in that predicament. I wish I had considered my own feelings and put them before anyone else's instead of weighing his feelings higher than mine. I have a four year old boy that'll be five this year. He's just about to start prek and although he's not excited I am. He's my world, and I hate when anyone tries to make it seem otherwise since this abortion took place. I want more kids, I really do. I just felt like now wasn't the time, and the thought that I could possibly end up being a single parent of two really scared me. I know there's no excuse for what I did...and my life is upside down.

Just a thought

            Can you ever really/ honestly say you trust someone after that seal of trust has been broken? I mean there's always gonna be some kinda doubt somewhere...how do establish that trust back? Or does it become a "to a certain extent" type situation? Its kinda like looking into a broken mirror. You pieced it back together but you can still see all the cracks. What exactly is the deal breaker? Everyone has different things they'll put up with. How far does it have to go before its irredeemable...no more do overs...no more second chance? Or should I ask what's the severity?

             Which that brings me to forgiveness. Just because you forgive does that mean you have to forget? Or does TRULY forgiving come with forgetting? If you put something behind you, is that necessarily forgetting or is that matter subject for resolving later?

             They say a relationship is bulit upon trust..well I guess if you dont have trust you dont have anything at all.

No worse hurt...

            To me there's no worse hurt when dealing with relationships then knowing the guy you are absolutely involved with has left you, two hours after you've given birth to your guys first child to be with another female whom he deems more important. More worthy of his time, his affection, his attention and his presence than you and his new born child.

           After being convinced that no matter what through it all he'll be there...he's gone.
There's many that comes in a close running for second place, but this by far has torn my heart apart.
What do you say to that? How do you respond? How are you supposed to feel? Noone wants to do the hard part by themselves. The appologies 5yrs later are a little to late but believe me they are deffinitely well deserved! I surely dont believe when ayone is planning on having a family they are planning it alone.

         When things are falling apart how do you pick them back up? Was it because we were both so young and moving too fast? Too young to be thinking about let alone trying to have any kids? I think its safe to say that the last thing on any girls mind at 17 is to be having any kida and or having to do it alone.

                 Somethings just cant be saved...and at that point you hafta learn how to pick it up and keep it                                                                    moving!!!