A Year in Review

Alright friends. As this year comes to a close, I'm just in awe over all the many things I have learned this year. Time has flown and yet I feel like January happened years ago (well I mean...it did...it's kind of an annual thing) Anyway, this post is merely for me to review all the things I've done this year so I can feel a little bit better about my life. 

January- Logan visit from Aaron, new semester, surviving

February- Solo in Assembly Hall on Temple Square, started work at Macey's, began mission papers, still surviving

March- Logan visit from Katie and Rach, spring break, put mission papers on hold, decided on beauty school, learning how to thrive

April- 19th birthday, 2 Logan visits from mom and dad, Easter dinner with the roommates, life changing seminary visits with Latter Day Voices, spring show and tour with Latter Day Voices, work crushes, finals, moving home

May- Home for 1 day, jumped on a plane to North Carolina, spent 16 days in the most beautiful place with some of my favorite people, temple visits, Segway dates, preschool graduations, Eva's farewell

June- started work at Farr's and Eden's Landscapes, boating with Daniel Bean, Mom plays organ at tabernacle, secure housing in Logan, work festival with Damsel in this Dress, Dad has heart attack, Ben's farewell

July- Carly's farewell, so many tears saying goodbye, 1 week in Logan training at ASSERT, got the job, lots of joy, lots of work

August- Time with family, camping, more work, trip to St. George with Katie and Rach, moved back to Logan (finally), did hair for a wedding, Rachel's farewell, 3 semester of college begins!

September- LDV retreat, lots of school, Ogden Temple open house, dates, Peach Days, Hymnfest, fall approaching and it is so wonderful

October- 4 babies born (3 nephews, 1 niece), conference weekend, cabin weekend, boy drama, fall break in Yellowstone, in love with Logan in the fall, blows to the self-esteem, Halloween at ASSERT and at home

November- Retail therapy, run away trips to Kaysville, photoshoot with Chelsey, seminaries with LDV, friendships formed, Thanksgiving with the fam, auditioned to be a YPM in Nauvoo

December- Christmas LDV show, no callback for Nauvoo, Christmas outfits with Alyssa, finals week, work, switched apartments, home for Christmas, time with the family, CHRISTMAS!

This year has been long and hard, but I have learned so so much. I have gained such a strong testimony of the Atonement. I feel so blessed that I have the ability to start over clean slate when I make a mistake. I am grateful for the ups and downs that life brings and that I've learned more and more to accept them and learn how to work through challenges. I have gained such a strong testimony of the temple. I love that place more than anything. I consider myself so blessed to be as close to a temple as I am. I have learned that the sweetest blessings come from hard work. I have become so grateful for my eternal family and am I so grateful that we were all able to spend time together this year.

I am not where I thought I would be one year ago, but I am so glad that I am where I am. I am so excited to see what this new year brings!

Finding Joy in the Journey

"All that is unfair in life can be made right through the atonement of Jesus Christ."

Today feels so good.
I'm learning that winter isn't so bad after all.
I'm remembering that I like sweaters.
I'm remembering that I'm not perfect. And I like that.
But I'm also remembering that I am of great worth.

"As you submit your wills to God, you are giving Him the only thing you can actually give Him that is really yours to give. Don't wait too long to find the altar or to begin to place the gift of your wills upon it!" - Conference Report April 2014

Being Flooded in a Desert

I've been planning on writing a post for the past 4 weeks. But every week something drastic has changed, something that would change the whole mood or purpose of the post. So I come to this blank post now with NO idea what to write about to explain what has happened in the past 4 weeks. So I won't say anything about it at all. Except this: Once upon a time Emily's dating life was like a desert. And then all of the sudden it was like a flood and she had to learn how to build an ark REAL fast. And then the one person that she actually wanted to keep on the ark got nervous and jumped ship. That is all.

Moving on.

I've been in complete denial that winter is actually happening right now. It has snowed quite a bit up here in Logan the past few days,yet I keep expecting to wake up and the snow be completely gone and the weather to be all warm and balmy. I know that's not going to happen....but I'm still in denial about it.
I was discussing this with a good friend last night and I had a sort of realization.
This past season, I have been stretched and grown in so many wonderful ways. From spring to fall I have really changed. Or maybe not changed, but slipped into the skin of someone that I really love and want to be. Me. I'm finally comfortable. But, just like the seasons change, so does life. This season of my life has served its purpose. I've grown and stretched in all the ways I've needed to. Now it's time to move on. I have to completely let go of that old me and get to work with the new me. It's time for a new season where the sets of trials are different and hard. And let me tell you, that is HARD.
BUT.
If there is anything I've learned through all of the above things that I'm dealing with, it is that my Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of me. Countless times these past few weeks I've received calls, texts, and little notes of sweet people telling me of their love for me. All of these have been tender mercies. All came at perfect moments when I really needed to feel loved. So thank you if you were a part of that.

On a completely, not so unrelated note, I have decided to stick with Elementary Education and a minor in Theater! For now.....;) #collegedegreeprobs

Life is overflowing with great things.

My dearest friend, Sister Carly Lewis, challenged me last week to post about things that I was thankful for. This was a great experience for me as I was able to review my day at night and think about all the things that had happened to me during the day, and then express my thankfulness for them. But I thought I would re-share some of my thoughts in an effort to catch you up a little bit on the things I've been up to!

My cute roommates. I wondered if we were going to make it out okay at first, but they have proved to be the best thing that could have happened to me. I would give my life for these girls. I just love them too much. 

This is ice cream, but I'm also thankful for it because my roommate brought it to me after I said goodbye to my bestest friend who is pictured below. 

I am so thankful for Rachel Titensor. We've been friends since birth and she has taught me so much about life. I couldn't have mad it this far without her. 

I'm thankful for friends old and new! I've only known this girl for maybe 3 weeks, but I feel like I've known her my whole life. We may or may not sent pictures of cats to each other every morning. It's a thing. 

I'm thankful for laughter. For snapchat. And for my dearest Amy who I miss so much. 

And this. I'm thankful for this. 

I'm thankful for the feral cat that lives under my car? ((This one's a stretch))

I am thankful for God's beauty on this earth. I'm thankful for sun rises and sunsets. For crappy iphones that still manage to capture a portion of this beauty.

These CRAZY people that I get to work with on the Latter-Day Voices presidency. I'll be the first to admit that I never would have put the 4 of us together, but as we've been able to get to know each other and learn from each other, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

More of God's beauty. 

I am SO thankful for the temple. I never feel more at peace or at home than when I am here.

And the best of all the friends. I miss this girl oodles. I am so thankful that she chose to serve the Lord. Her talents and gifts have been so useful in turning others towards Christ. Her emails are the highlights of my week. She challenges me to love the Lord and keep going every day. I love ya, Sister Lewis!!

How I Survived my First Year of College

This is my advice to the average college freshman. I realize this is a little late...but I feel like it wouldn't hurt to share!

1) College is exactly like High School on steroids. More people, more school, more freedom, more homework, more tests, more drama, more fun.

2) Everyone is different. Not everyone is going to have the same "first year" college experience that you have! This was so hard for me to understand. I had so many people telling me what my first year was going to be like and when things didn't happen like that, I was so confused. Just realize that this year is for YOU. You're here to figure things out about yourself and your life. I had a great first year, but I didn't really get it all figured out until 3 months before the year was over. So just take your time, be yourself, and be different.

3) Be involved. There are SO many ways to be involved, find the way that works best for you. I love to sing and so I chose to audition for a choir through the LDS Institute. This is where I made most of my friends and where I spent most of my time. All campuses provide a wide variety of clubs and activities. If that doesn't really sound like your thing, try something else! Get a job or find something in the community. It just really helps to have a smaller group of people to interact with.

4) Don't shop at Walmart. Hahah jk. You can shop wherever you want. But here at USU, we have TWO Walmarts in the area! So pretty much that's where everyone shops. Halfway through the year, I got a job at Macey's and started doing my grocery shopping there. I saved SO much money! Part of this is because I was simply more familiar with Macey's and their items and their sales. I planned better when I went there and I ate healthier too. Find stores that you are familiar with and don't be afraid to take some time to make grocery lists or compare prices.

5) Make Institute a Priority. I can't believe I'm saying this because I feel like it is contradictory to my beliefs as a freshman. But seriously, Institute is crazy important. It's a place to meet people who share your beliefs and values. It's a place to join in activities that you know will be good, clean fun. PLUS it is a great place to be edified by the spirit. To take you out of the world and the university and just feel good. To learn more about institute or to register for classes, click here.

6) Develop good relationships with your roommates. I definitely got SUPER lucky with my roommates my freshman year. Our personalities meshed well and we just had lots of fun together. We didn't always do everything together, but one of my favorite things was we watched "The Bachelor" together on Monday nights. Just a little, simple thing that we could all talk and laugh about once a week.

So that's about it! Some lame advice from me. Do with it what you will. :)

Okay, okay, okay. So this is my LAST post about love. ((HA WHO ARE WE KIDDING)) But really.

I've been doing a lot of self improving, self loving, and rewiring in my life. And I've learned so much about myself and how content I am to just be me. I found this journal entry that I wrote back in January and I felt like I needed to share. It's become a constant reminder and friend to me as of late. Funny that I didn't believe what I wrote until now, huh? ((Also. Let me just put a little plug in on how freaking awesome journal writing is. Like I said, this was some huge personal revelation for me, but if I'd forgotten to write it down, a HUGE learning experience would have been completely forgotten.))

So here it is:

January 12, 2014

   One of my hardest challenges is being able to feel love. Particularly when it comes to relationships. I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed (besides stage kisses. Obvi.) but I've started to wonder if I am capable of being loved. I yearn to know what it is like to share that relationship with someone. It's turned from a simple want or desire, to a consumption of thoughts. I wonder, when is it my turn to be loved?

  These are feelings I've had my whole life it feels like. But last night, for the first time EVER, I talked to my Heavenly Father about it. I got on my knees and started from beginning to end. I explained my thirst for love. To be loved, to express love, to share a unique, special bond with someone. I asked Him to take away the pains of loneliness. 

  Today during Daisha's [Relief Society] lesson, I got a hint of an answer. She asked the class, "what are some experiences that you have had where you felt God's love?" My mind flashed to being on my knees last night. The thought popped in to my head, "Emily, I love you like that. WE share a special relationship." 

  I forget that Heavenly Father's love for me is eternal and binding. It is stronger than any other love on this earth. My relationship with my Heavenly Father will withstand any earthly relationship.

   Someday, eons down the road, I will have found my future spouse and together we will create worlds and my husband will have a little girl pray to  him, asking for love. And he'll remind her of how much he loves her. And I'll be right by his side. I'll bet you anything that I have a Heavenly Mother who knows and who's felt everything that I have. 

   More importantly, my Savior, Jesus Christ knows. H eknows how big of a pint this is for me and he is struggling right along with me because in His eyes, I am VERY important. 

   I still feel lonely and I still yearn for love. But I feel at peace. And I feel strength to carry on. And I know that my time will come. But until then, I'll focus on the relationships that I DO have and improving the ones that I don't. 

So 7 months later I can say that I don't feel lonely, but that I feel whole. I still feel at peace. Everyday I try a little harder. The Atonement is not about who you've become, but who you are BECOMING. 

If you've ever felt like me, like love is lost, feel free to message me and let's chat. Because being so young and yearning for love can be embarrassing or silly. But I've been there and I know how real the feelings are. Just know that you are not alone!

My Misson, My Decision

When the missionary age changed in October of 2012, I rejoiced and raised my fist in the air to say, "YES! I am going on a mission!!" and then everyone and their dog was like, "YES! I am going on a mission!" So I was like, "Okay, cool. You all go and I'll just chill here."
When I started my freshman year, I got the feeling like I needed to think about going on a mission again. So I sort of started halfheartedly praying about it. The prayer sort of went like this, "Hey...so...am I supposed to go on a mission? .....No? Okay cool." So I just decided the answer was no and moved on with my life.
As I mentioned in my last post, during the middle of February, the feeling came back full force to reconsider serving a mission. At this time, my best friend was putting in her papers. Everyone around me was either engaged or going on a mission. And there I was, not even sure what I was going to eat for dinner.

I spent the whole week in constant turmoil. I felt like I was saying an open ended prayer to Heavenly Father. First it started out as a question - Should I go on a mission? Then it switched to, "Okay, I'm going. Is that right?" And when that didn't get an answer it was, "Okay. I'm actually not going. Is that right?" 

All week I knew I needed to call my sister to talk to her about her decision to serve a mission. As she told me of her experience, I related to it and immediately felt peace. I decided that I was going to go see my bishop and tell him my thoughts and start my mission papers. At this point, I was completely fine with going, I was just so afraid that it was the wrong decision. But I went forward with faith and worked hard waiting for the official "go ahead" or the "stop now". 

During March, I was able to come home for about three days for spring break. Those three days I was running around like CRAZY from doctor to doctor, trying to get all my medical paperwork done for my mission. The only thing was that I was doing it all alone. Both my mom and dad were working and none of my siblings new about my decision yet, so I was just working hard being all adult and taking responsibility for my life. 

At the end of the third day, I still seemed pretty iffy. My mom and I were talking and at that point I sort of had an epiphany. I said, "Mom, I don't think I really want to go." I knew that a mission would be challenging, hard, and emotionally trying, but none of that worried me because God's on my side. He would be sure to take care of his girl - whatever happened would be his will. I had to sort of take a step back and realize that I was going for the wrong reasons. I desired to have the experiences that my friends were having. I wanted to open that call. I wanted people to come to my farewell. I wanted to feel that love and support that comes when you go on a mission. I wanted people to stop asking me if I was going on a mission. It was really hard to come to terms with the fact that right now, I wasn't going. I didn't want the answer to be 'no' when everyone else's answer was 'yes'.

But let me tell you, putting off the mission was one of the best things that happened to me. There is so much growing that I've done in the past few months and I'm sure I will continue to do in the next year that would crush me if I'd been in the mission field. 

I still have time to go on a mission and quite frankly, it's on my mind more often than not. But between me and the Lord, this just isn't the time.

I have been called to serve in Logan this fall. And that is my call and my mission. What's yours?

What is Love?

Baby don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! No more!....You all thought it, so I said it. 
Tonight I went and saw The Fault in Our Stars with my homegirls Amy and Carly. I highly recommend the movie, but only after you've read the book, of course. But there is a love story involved in the story and as I was watching two young people fall in love on that big screen, I couldn't help but wonder if my version of love is completely skewed. What's great about the story is how  real and raw it is, but I realized that I don't even know what the "real" version of love is like.
As all of you know, I've never had a boyfriend, never held hands, nothing. I've been in "like" once and in "love" zero times.
So I decided I'd write what I think love is..and someday, I'm confident that I will find love and tell you that I was all wrong. ;)
Love makes your knees buckle. You see that one person and every part of your soul aches to be with them or near them.
Love is when you care more about that person than anyone else. When you are known as one person instead of two. "Till there's no one left who has ever known us apart."
Love sucks.
It's trusting the other person to make wise decisions when you aren't near them.
It's giving your whole heart to someone and allowing them to treasure it or destroy it.
Love is hard work.
It's like Joseph and Emma. The more pain and sorrow you go through together, the greater capacity you have to love each other.
Love is beautiful. It's calling someone in the middle of the night, just because you need to talk.
It's finding what you love to do together, but making sacrifices so you can each do what you love.
Love is infinite. It never runs out.
Someday I will find someone who I love and who loves me in return. And it will be hard and it will suck, but it will be good. And this wait, this pain of wanting and wishing, will all be worth it. And it will be good.

I refuse to sleep until I finish this.

You guys.
Ask me how many times I've tried to finish this post.
Now ask me how many other posts are rolling around in my head.
I seriously made a list of blog posts that I needed to write. And right now that list is longer than my summer bucket list...so gotcha.
So pardon me for just being off the blogging grid for the past 2 months. Life. Life is real.
But here is my humble (or not so humble) attempt to fill you in on some important details. Like you know, my future.
So I believe last time I talked about my future I was in a state of complete confusion. Well let me tell you, it only got worse. A few weeks later, I got the feeling (again) that I needed to reconsider going on a mission. ((This whole mission story is going to be reserved for another post, I will just be glossing over it now.)) I started thinking about it and for a whole week it was the only thing on my mind. Deciding whether or not to go was all I could think about and honestly, it was weighing me down. I finally decided to go and see my bishop to see what it would even take to start my papers. After the interview, I started my papers and was about 80% sure that I was going on a mission. After a week of running around to what felt like a million doctors appointments, I sort of had an epiphany. While I desire to have these experiences that my friends were having and to do everything that came with a mission, my ultimate desire to just go was not all there. It wasn't a fear that I couldn't do it or that it would be too hard, it was just the wrong timing. ((Again, more detailed post about the mish coming soon.))
So on the long drive from Orem to Logan, I had a little heart to heart with myself. I thought, "What is it that I desire? What do I really WANT to do?" Obviously the answer to that question is beauty school. It's always been my dream. The thought came that I wouldn't regret not becoming a teacher, but I would always wonder what would have happened if I went to beauty school.
From that point on, I was all beauty school. I told my roommates I wasn't coming back, my employer, I didn't sign up for housing, the only thing left to do was to tell my choir director.
One day in choir, we had to put either a "Yes" or a "No" next to our names to indicate whether or not we would be returning in the fall. When the paper came to me, I just couldn't write "No." The thought, "What if I needed you to stay?" popped into my head. My solution? Put a question mark next to my name and move along.
About a week later, my director called me into his office and said that they were in the midst of choosing the presidency for choir next year and that my name had come up. He knew of my decision to not come back to Logan, but asked if I would reconsider, should the call come. At first I was completely thrown off. Tears were shed - I had a plan! But I knew that if the call would come, it would be from God and I simply couldn't argue with that. In addition to that, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense in my head. Staying in Logan for another year seemed so perfect. More than anything, it FELT right. So I told my director that I would stay if the call came.

3 weeks passed.

Every time the phone rang, my heart skipped a beat. But I heard nothing. Nothing was announced in choir and no call had been extended. Those 3 weeks were extremely hard. I was fine if the call wasn't extended - that was not a huge issue. But I was so confused because I felt like I had finally found what was going to be right, and it still wasn't working out. So many tears were shed and so many nights were sleepless with worry.
And then one day it all fell into place. I finally went in and talked to my director because I needed to know if I should sign up for classes. He told me that a call would be coming. That night I signed up for classes, told my roommates that I was actually staying, and felt better than ever in my life.
Soon enough the call was extended and everything was set in stone for me to go back to USU next fall.

I feel so much peace about my decision. I kid you not - for 3 months I was in constant anxiety because I didn't know what to do with my life. But every day of that was so worth it because I know that I'm doing exactly what I need to be.
So yes, next year I will be a returning student at Utah State. Currently signed up to finish my Associate Degree, but also looking into Theater Education and Human Development. We're putting the ELED on hold for a season. I will be serving as a Vice President over the Latter-Day Voice Choir. I am excited and nervous and intimidated and freaking out all at once.

So I think that sufficiently catches you up on my future. I stayed up way too late for too many nights writing this. So if you are disappointed that it isn't brilliant, get over yourself and find another blog to read.

I think I should write greeting cards.
Peace.

AFTER the trial of my faith.

There are so many things that I could say in this post and so many explanations that I feel like I might owe to my readers (HA. I say this like I have a fan base..what a joke.) however, it's not time for that. These past few weeks have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually trying, but I have learned SO much. Nights of anxiety and silent battles have slowly faded away. Now I'm left with the good stuff. The knowledge that I gained as I cried over my scriptures or called my parents in despair. And some of it is really awesome so I just have to share.

Most of you know that I've been really anxious about my future. Mission vs School vs Beauty School. Over and over and over in my head. I started heading in one direction. But a little epiphany and one conversation later put that direction on hold. And these words rang in my head, "It doesn't matter as much what career you choose. Heavenly Father wants you to give yourself to Him and become a good person like Him." My daddy's a smart one, no?
And then this quote, "Anything that a woman does with full purpose of heart, with an eye to the glory of God, as an expression of her dedication to doing what the Lord asks of her individual talents and abilities for the betterment of people and thereby society, is worthwhile and valuable work - is ordained of God." -HDH

And then this video.

And then I was still racked with pain and indecision. I had a blessing, I was going to the temple, I studied my scriptures, I fasted, I was praying my little heart out, but still nothing. BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP. I knew that it would come eventually. All I needed was peace.

And then it started to come. I forgot that healing is a process. I forgot that just like revelation, peace doesn't always come over night. Sometimes it slowly creeps up on you, after you've worked and worked and worked. I forgot that sometimes you have to have faith and work and then work some more.
I forgot that just because I was willing to give myself to the Lord didn't mean that it was going to be rainbows and butterflies!
Ether 12.6
6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that ^afaith is things which are^bhoped for and ^cnot seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no ^dwitness until after the ^etrial of your faith.

And then this blog post.
http://aspiringmormonwomen.org/2014/04/02/deliverance/

So life is good. I'm back. I'm up and running.
More details about my life to come. :)

I'm just special.

I know what you all have been thinking. Wow! I wish Emily would post more about her embarrassing life!
Never fear. Your dreams are coming true today.
I recently managed to get myself a job at my local Macey's grocery store. Right now I'm a bagger so it's pretty easy work, the hours aren't tough, and it's been pretty good. Today was the beginning of our "Case Lot" sale. Pretty much they just sell a bunch of stuff in bulk for super cheap - but it mostly includes cans. Lots and lots of cans.
The plus side to this is that the cans are usually bought by the case (hence the name "case lot") so we can just scan one can from the case and move along.
WELL.
I had some serious issues with getting the scanner in the perfect angle to scan the can without unwrapping the case. Instead, I ended up just destroying the wrapping of the case, grabbing a single can out, and scanning it. It was taking AGES and I was so embarrassed!
This was at one cash register. After failing multiple times there, I moved down to another cash register. This one being run by a rather handsome young man. Very nice. Very polite. Pretty funny. Hoping I could impress him with my can scanning skills, I eagerly met the customer with the scanner to get all their cans. I struggled for a bit, but with the help and guidance of cashier man, I was able to successfully scan the case of cans without damaging the wrapping! I was so excited that I let out this...noise. Not like a "hooray!" or "yeah!" but more like a duck quack...or a horn. It wouldn't have been too embarrassing except it was LOUD. It was like I completely lost my composure and made a fool of myself.
"That was pretty loud!" I said.
"Yeah...yeah it was." He responded.
We all laughed it off, I regained my composure, work went on.
The next cart full of cans, I was at the ready with my scanner. "Don't get too excited!" Cashier man joked.
"Oh, I'll try not too," was my nervous reply.
I got to the cart and turned into a scanning machine. I was doing so well! All without any loud noises coming from my mouth. I scanned the last item, happy with my success. At this point, I was behind the shopping cart, underneath the handle. With every ounce of vigor and vim, I stood up and BAAAMMM. I hit my head on the cart handle. HARD.
Are you kidding me???
"You're welcome!" was my reply as I stood up. "I'm actually just here for entertainment."
Seriously. I'm like a walking circus.
Needless to say, we had plenty of things to laugh about during my long shift. Hopefully it entertained you as much as it did my coworkers and myself.
God bless America.

Pride Ruled My Will

Last weekend. It was maybe the best and the worst weekend of my entire life.
Friday was Valentine's Day. And instead of getting in my pajama's and watching Netflix while stuffing my face with chocolate, I was in Salt Lake. My choir was able to participate in the Church Music Festival. Composers from all over the world wrote songs, turned them in, and winners were chosen. We were given a huge spiral bound book of all the winner's songs and we sang them in the Assembly Hall on Temple Square.
Now, before I get into details, I want to emphasize what a wonderful night it was. The spirit was SO strong - overwhelming even. Angels were clearly with us as we sang. Suddenly we were able to remember words, notes, and rhythms; our tone, diction, and sound was beautiful. It was powerful.
For this performance I was asked to sing a solo. The song is familiar, "Lead, Kindly Light" but the arrangement was different and it was difficult for me to learn.
On top of that, I felt an immense amount of pressure from myself to do well. All through high school, I never felt like my contribution was appreciated, particularly in my drama and choir departments. I constantly heard things like, "You're very talented, but we need to give someone else a chance." or "You could have played any role, but we needed to give it to other people." As a result, I felt like I never really got the chance to prove myself or showcase my talent. And when I was given a chance, the pressure was on. I felt like I'd better not disappoint because such great things were expected of me. I would be so worried about impressing, that I forgot the talent I really did have and ended up delivering a pretty crappy performance.
That being said, I don't particularly blame my director or choir teacher for this. Yes, in many cases, things were said that should not have been, but for the most part, it was my own fault. I put the pressure on myself and let too many bad thoughts creep into my head.
My life.
Every since being in Latter-Day Voices, things have been a little different. I've felt like my talent is recognized. I have felt loved and encouraged and noticed. I have felt like my director notices my talent and has been willing to let me share it with other people. My hard work does not go by unnoticed, and my contribution is appreciated.
So back to my solo. The solo was given to me and it was hard. Immediately feelings from high school crept back in. Before I even rehearsed, I set myself up for failure.
This is it. This is my "big break" and I have to prove to everyone that I deserve this solo. Everyone in choir hates that I got it. I'm going to do bad. I want to do good. I have to impress and inspire. I have to bring the spirit. This is too hard for me.
Are some of this thoughts ridiculous? Absolutely. Are they real? 100%.
Performance time came and I was more nervous than ever in my life. I was paralyzed with fear. Nothing that anyone said could take away my feelings or my fear. I began the song and things were going well. ...until the second verse. At which point, I forgot the words. But I kept singing. I didn't pause, I didn't make a face, I just kept going. I sang the words, "I loved the garish day and spite of fears," three times in a row. And then finally got to the next line, "pride ruled my will. Remember not past years."
Only today am I realizing the significance of this line.
That night, I came home and cried and cried and cried.I had finished the song strong and felt like I had done my part, but again, nothing anybody said had meaning. I was incredibly upset. All weekend I pleaded with my Heavenly Father for peace, to be satisfied with my performance. And still, nothing. I was so disappointed with myself. All week, I tried to damper the feeling. I didn't want to get over it, but if I buried it deep enough, I wouldn't have to worry about it. Instead it just sat inside of me. Taunting me and festering me.
I thought writing a blog post about self-confidence would take away the feeling, but writing that didn't work. Instead I came up with this post. I realized just how much "pride ruled my will." I am blessed with an incredible talent. That talent is NOT my voice. That talent is to be able to communicate my testimony through song. That talent is to uplift and connect with people through music. That talent is to take my knowledge and inspire other people to gain their own, through music.
My choir teacher always said, "The purpose of music is not to impress, but to inspire."
How could I forget that?? Pride ruled my will.
I'm still incredibly embarrassed. I feel like I had one chance, and I choked. I feel like my performance was not acceptable.
But I have to move on. "Remember not past years."
Jesus loves me no matter what. This week has been extremely hard. I'm in this rut that I can't get out of. But I'm striving to figure out what I'm supposed to learn here. I've already learned so much! But I have so much more to learn. So please bear with me. If I'm overly moody or break into tears, just know that I'm working on it.
Thanks for reading this super long post.
Also, don't blame my high school directors for anything. They're people too and working just as hard as I am.

Two paths, two worlds, two choices

As most of you know, I am currently studying Elementary Education at Utah State. What most of you may not know is that it hasn't exactly been my cup of tea. I did not enjoy my entry level class and the application process into the program is very time consuming and costly. Essentially you have to be all in or all out. Except I don't know if I'm in or I'm out! I know that I am completely capable of getting into the program and working hard and being fantastic...but I don't know if my heart really lies in the teaching field.

What I really love is to get to know people. I love to make relationships with people and hear their stories. Everyone has something different to share - something to teach and thrive off of learning about that! My two childhood career dreams were to to become a teacher or go to beauty school.

Teaching requires you to get to know your students on a deep level - especially elementary school teaching. You have to know and understand the students needs, wants, desires, etc. Knowing their background and their family also helps you understand the way they learn and you can help them. All of this is appealing to me. I love children and it incorporates things that I love to do.

I have ALWAYS dreamed of going to beauty school. At first, I worried that people would judge me and think that I wasn't smart. I got over that really quickly. My next worry became that it wasn't a realistic career choice. It was a fun idea, but it could never really happen. When I decided that I really did love making relationships with people and hearing their stories, cosmetology obviously seemed like the perfect. Let's be real, beauticians are like therapists. There is something about sitting in that chair that makes people comfortable and easy to talk to. I love this idea. I love doing hair, I love making people feel beautiful, and I love talking and helping them relax!

I've done an internship and spent hours in classrooms. I work with children frequently and I know that I like this career option. The schooling is hard, but I know that I am capable and prepared to get my hands dirty and start working.

I've shadowed a beautician and toured a beauty school. I love the environment, I love the excitement of this career option. The schooling is equally challenging and very expensive, but I know that I am again, capable of doing it.

I can see myself in both career options. I can see myself in the front of a classroom teaching a room full of eager, excited children. I feel comfortable with this choice.It feels natural and simple. But I can see myself cutting hair too. I can see myself running a salon out of my home and raising a family. I like the non-traditional feel that this career path has. I like the idea of being different and doing something outside of my comfort zone.

Teaching is a career that would be put on hold while I raise my family, cutting hair is not.
Elementary Education will take me 4 years, Beauty school will take me 1 year.

So I feel like I have to choose one or the other. Although sometimes I think :

But that would be SO much time and money!! What if I get married? I don't want either dream to be squashed. I need one or the other. But why not both?

The struggle is real with decision making today. 

What are your thoughts? In the end, this is ultimately my decision, but I'd love your opinions!

Mulan is probably pretty ticked.

With the release of the popular new Disney movie, Frozen, social media has blown up with quotes, memes, gifs, etc. Many of you know my feelings about above mentioned movie. (Thought it was pretty good, but don't think it was anything truly monumental. That's a different story.)
ANYWAY.
Among the many memes, I found several similar to this:

Pardon the language. 

I just feel the need to point out that Frozen isn't actually the first Disney princess movie that proves that you don't need a man to save you. 

Mulan: She literally saved all of China. Are you kidding me??? She definitely didn't need a man to save her.

Belle: Gave up her life so that her father could live. She did NOT fall in love with someone she just met. Obviously. That girl saved lives. Minus Gaston's....

Cinderella: Come ON! Give her a break! Of course she fell in love with the first man she met! She was practically a slave for her whole life! #youwouldto

Tiana: Worked her BUTT off to get what she wanted and would have gotten it even if Prince Naveen hadn't showed up. In fact, I'm pretty sure she saved Prince Naveen. Jokes on you. 

Pocahontas: Saved John Smith at the expense of her own heart.

And for the sake of being politically Disney correct, Princess Leia just kicks butt.  

Now, I will admit that Disney does have it's string of hopeless princesses. Jasmine, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, Ariel, and Meg were all saved by men. But that didn't mean that their lives were sunshine and roses either!

And if my memory serves me correctly...Kristoff kind of plays a huge role in saving Anna.

So Frozen isn't actually the first movie to teach girls that they don't need a man to save them. In fact, it doesn't actually teach girls that at all!

I'm all for women's rights and women power and all that jazz, but maybe we shouldn't press the fact that women are better than men, because we're not! How about we all just work together as an equal team? That sounds like a solid idea to me. Just sayin.
May your Disney movies be merry and bright.

Edit: My roommate just found this

Better to have loved and lost...

It's late. And most of my friends would tell you that with my emotions running so high and the hour being so late, it would be best for me to sleep rather than to speak to anyone.
But I tried sleep. And it didn't work. So talking is obviously the medicine tonight.

Towards the end of my junior high career and at the beginning of my high school career, I, like so many other hormone driven girls, was boy crazy. I liked boys. A lot. And a few of them even liked me back. I was okay with flirting. I liked the attention. I didn't mind dumb-ing myself down so that a boy would like me.
During this time, I shared reciprocal "like" feelings with 3 boys. They liked me, I liked them, we talked/texted non-stop. Everyone secluded us as a couple. But when things started to go somewhere, I knew it was wrong and I backed out. To this day I have never even held a boy's hand.
My junior year, I fell hard for a boy the grade above me. When I found out that my best friend liked him, I tried to go for his best friend. After trying both of them, I found out that neither of them had feelings for me. Instead they both had feelings for my best friend. This was the hardest time in my life. I spent my entire year chasing after these boys, dying to make them fall in love with me. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong.
I soon became their best friends. I was so close to them - like a sister. The two of them shared everything with me. From girls, to family, to school. I easily knew them better than anyone else. At this point, I became extremely emotionally attached to these two boys. They began to share with me their personal lives - things that really should not be shared with a 17 year old girl. But I loved it. I thought that the more they shared with me, the closer they would be to realizing that I was really the one that they loved.
I became addicted to these boy's addictions. I was in a constant state of worrying about them and trying to fix their lives for them.
This was obviously a very unhealthy situation.
These young men were seniors. So when graduation came, they moved on with their lives and I was left in the dust. I certainly had intentions of staying close to them, but they clearly did not have intentions of staying close to me.
I soon found myself a senior in high school, holding the position of Student Director, Drama Vice President, a member of the Seminary Council, and completely alone.
I had no one.
I had spent so much time wishing that these boys would love me, that I forgot about other people. I became so bitter in my loneliness, that I didn't even want to bother making friends with anyone.
Again, more than ever, I just wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to feel loved.
So, to keep the pattern, I went after another boy. This boy, nobody really knew. I slowly became his friend and we started to get close. It got to a point in our relationship that something HAD to happen. I didn't think we could stay in the friend zone that we were in. But a conversation we had proved me wrong. I learned that night that I would forever stay his friend, but could never be more than friends.
I was not asked to a single dance my senior year. Minus Prom..where I went with mentioned best friend.

I came to college with really high expectations. During the summer I felt useless. Nobody wanted me. I was clearly not pretty enough, not talented enough, or not smart enough for anyone. I had people tell me over and over and over again that that wasn't true, but I could never believe them. I wanted someone to SHOW me I was pretty! To show me that I was more than just second best. I thought that college would fix all of that. I thought that the minute I got up here, millions of boys would be knocking at my door wanting to date me and marry me.

That didn't happen.

I became more confused than ever. I continued to see patterns of me liking someone, them liking my best friend, and me being left to second place.
NOW. I blame this all on myself. These are all feelings that I chose to have. I didn't have to be bitter and I didn't have to be closed off. But I was. And there is no going back and changing that.

I've cleared my past experiences. I've healed broken hearts and crushed dreams. The past no longer haunts me. But what isn't gone is my desire for love.
I am so very well aware of the people around me who love me. I feel love from my parents and family every single day. My roommates let me know that they love me and my friends let me know that they love me. My Heavenly Father ESPECIALLY lets me know that He loves me. He lets me know every day that His love is eternal. That His love is most important. And that I can thrive with just His love.
But I crave more than that.
I want to give my heart to someone. I want to share a relationship. I want someone to care about me SO much and I want to care about them.
I'm sick of being told that I'm "too young" or I "still have plenty of time" or I "should focus on school" or I "should go on a mission instead" or that I'll "find someone when the time is right."
These are all things that I know! I'm not going to snap at the first boy who comes my way and I am NOT going to settle. But I still want to be loved.

So I'm sitting here, feeling very alone tonight. I had two friends share exciting news with me today. Exciting for them, but a little heart-wrenching for me. Just another reminder that I've never held hands and I've never been kissed and I've never been in love. Tonight, I wish more than anything to have loved and lost...because it sure would be better that to have never loved at all.

Bless My Heart.

Today I walked into my 9:00 class, Human Development. This class, similar to a few others, is extremely large and full of girls who are studying Elementary Education, FACS, FCHD, Social Work, etc. Though I am an Elementary Education major myself, this isn't really my crowd. So I walked into class 4 minutes before it started. Most of the seats were full. Last class I had definitely sat in the wrong seat and I did not want to make that mistake again! I sat next to someone who didn't look as preppy or excited (the judgement is real). I introduced myself, she introduced herself, and I started to get my things out. I knew that I needed to get my iClicker out first because that is the teacher's way of taking roll. But then I had this panic attack because I thought I had forgot it, so my looking and gathering of items became more frantic.
I'm starting to get panicky and embarrassed and of course, that is when my neighbor decides to start talking to me. She asked me a question, but I, so surprised that anyone would talk to me, freaked out and dropped my phone at the same time I pulled my iClicker out of my backpack. "Oh, I just dropped my phone..uh..what did you ask? Um.." I begin to look for my phone, but before I can put my head down, I see that my name popped up on the screen. This was my one shot at checking in for attendance! "I uh..hang on..um..what?" I stumble with my iClicker. What the. How do I even work this thing? What is technology? Where am I?? I finally clock in. Check. "Sorry about that, let me get my phone and then I'll try to answer your question." I reach down to get my phone and BOOM. Hit my head on the chair of the person next to me. "WOW. My life," was my only response. Grab my phone. "Okay. What was your question again?"
Class progresses.
Someone comes and sits next to me. The professor begins class and tells us to meet someone new. I already knew the girl on the left, so I introduce myself to the girl on the right. I recognize her name. "Oh! I think I sat on you...I mean, oh heavens, I didn't sit ON you, I sat next to you last time.." No response. "Yeah..okay..cool."
Hooray for the awkwardness of my life today and every day.

I made it this far!

I cannot believe that I actually survived this year. Heck! I didn't survive, I THRIVED through this year! Through all the changes and everything that happened to my little world. So here is an awkward review of my year. For my sake, not yours.

JANUARY

I officially became friends with Aaron Nelson. Today we remain to be best friends, even though we live miles away. The adventures continue and the memories remain. 

FEBRUARY

Aaron and I ice skated on a lake.

I had the best Valentine's Day EVER. Mostly because I got to exchange valentines with second graders..

MARCH

March included a Youth Conference with the wardies and touring Utah State with my future roommate!

APRIL

4 temples in Utah and General Conference with my best friend.

And of course, choir tour.

And my birthday. I spent half of it on a bus on the way home from San Fran and was FRIED to the crisp.

And obviously I threw a birthday party for Shakespeare. 

And Prom with my bestie. 

MAY

Graduation. Best. Day. Ever.

JUNE

Hoob's wedding.

I don't have any worthwhile pictures from July...but I'm sure it happened.

AUGUST

10 inches cut off

Moved to Logan

Said goodbye to these birds.

First day of college!!

SEPTEMBER

Football games :)

OCTOBER

The Howl

NOVEMBER

Basketball games :)

And setting up for Christmas

Turkey Day in North Carolina. Can you tell we're related?

DECEMBER

This picture adequately describes finals week.

Finally home for Christmas!!

Small children are my favorite.

And of course, catching up with the best.

This was the only picture I snagged of New Years Eve. So....gotcha.

Happy New Year!!