beauty for ashes…

On Thursday night I had a dream, and it was one that spoke deeply to me…to my heart. In the dream I was responsible to care for a severely disabled man. He was bedridden and did not have all his limbs. He could do nothing for himself…and I was overwhelmed with no idea where to begin but no choice BUT to begin. When I woke up from that dream, it was with that sharp clarity that comes when you know the dream was about you and you know immediately what it meant.

The man in my dream represents a part of me that is still broken, helpless and just waiting for me to recognize her and love her fully and deeply, accepting even the damaged places with grace and love so complete – without disdain or scorn. It was a revelation and I am so grateful for a God who would come to me in this way, revealing a new space that needs His touch, yes, but even more needs MY touch, acceptance and love.

I have spent many years rebuffing and closing off these places in my heart because of the pain they represent, but have learned over the past year that a big part of the healing is learning to love myself with grace and abandon – just the way the Lord loves me. And even with that knowledge and learning to love myself this way I have continued to turn away from this deeper place of pain in some vain hope that ignoring it will make it go away…

As I sat with this truth I became very aware that this dead, withered place contains beliefs that are so deep they have formed my life in ways I would never have chosen had I been aware. There are agreements I will have to break and deeper unacknowledged beliefs about who I am that I will need to destroy and it will be painful --- it is already painful --- and I can’t wait to get to the other side and I want to be there NOW…but that’s not the way it works…it’s a journey and it takes time but I am on my way!

The longer we live with words of death surrounding us, with the pain of our past sticking to our souls like bits of moldering decay, the more we encourage a life that is the opposite of the one we so deeply desire. And it’s not something you can just choose to walk away from or talk yourself out of. It is a dark and painful place that you have to slog straight through…that we MUST slog through to reach that place of freedom that we so deeply desire.

Beauty cannot live where it isn’t welcome. I may be able to apply beauty to the outside but if, on the inside, I live with skewed beliefs and shattered places I will continue to LIVE out of those places of death – of negativity, harsh words, oozing wounds – I will continue to nourish death instead of life…ashes instead of beauty. I may be able to present an exterior that doesn’t evidence that pain but I will live an internal life of death and will not believe that that others do not see the “ugly” or that someone would love me as I am…and all of that comes from the lies deeply buried for years. And all of those thoughts ARE lies… and most of us who live with this do not even realize we have bought the lies and live according to their rules every day…

It is a choice to live from life instead of death…every moment of every day. And we must never forget the reality that a big part of this fight is a battle that is brought to us from an enemy who, as John and Stasi Eldredge point out in their writings, KNOWS who we can be and FEARS us. That gives me strength to fight! I KNOW that God has plans for my life and they are deeply opposed. My healing --- my FREEDOM --- is in direct opposition to the plans of the enemy. As long as I am hobbled, I pose no threat…and so my God comes to me in a dream to reveal a new level of healing so I can be free to pursue Him and His dreams for my life. I am deeply humbled by His love and relentless pursuit of my heart… and I will openly receive His crown of beauty in exchange for the ashes of mourning and despair…

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3 (New Living Translation)