beauty for ashes…

On Thursday night I had a dream, and it was one that spoke deeply to me…to my heart. In the dream I was responsible to care for a severely disabled man. He was bedridden and did not have all his limbs. He could do nothing for himself…and I was overwhelmed with no idea where to begin but no choice BUT to begin. When I woke up from that dream, it was with that sharp clarity that comes when you know the dream was about you and you know immediately what it meant.

The man in my dream represents a part of me that is still broken, helpless and just waiting for me to recognize her and love her fully and deeply, accepting even the damaged places with grace and love so complete – without disdain or scorn. It was a revelation and I am so grateful for a God who would come to me in this way, revealing a new space that needs His touch, yes, but even more needs MY touch, acceptance and love.

I have spent many years rebuffing and closing off these places in my heart because of the pain they represent, but have learned over the past year that a big part of the healing is learning to love myself with grace and abandon – just the way the Lord loves me. And even with that knowledge and learning to love myself this way I have continued to turn away from this deeper place of pain in some vain hope that ignoring it will make it go away…

As I sat with this truth I became very aware that this dead, withered place contains beliefs that are so deep they have formed my life in ways I would never have chosen had I been aware. There are agreements I will have to break and deeper unacknowledged beliefs about who I am that I will need to destroy and it will be painful --- it is already painful --- and I can’t wait to get to the other side and I want to be there NOW…but that’s not the way it works…it’s a journey and it takes time but I am on my way!

The longer we live with words of death surrounding us, with the pain of our past sticking to our souls like bits of moldering decay, the more we encourage a life that is the opposite of the one we so deeply desire. And it’s not something you can just choose to walk away from or talk yourself out of. It is a dark and painful place that you have to slog straight through…that we MUST slog through to reach that place of freedom that we so deeply desire.

Beauty cannot live where it isn’t welcome. I may be able to apply beauty to the outside but if, on the inside, I live with skewed beliefs and shattered places I will continue to LIVE out of those places of death – of negativity, harsh words, oozing wounds – I will continue to nourish death instead of life…ashes instead of beauty. I may be able to present an exterior that doesn’t evidence that pain but I will live an internal life of death and will not believe that that others do not see the “ugly” or that someone would love me as I am…and all of that comes from the lies deeply buried for years. And all of those thoughts ARE lies… and most of us who live with this do not even realize we have bought the lies and live according to their rules every day…

It is a choice to live from life instead of death…every moment of every day. And we must never forget the reality that a big part of this fight is a battle that is brought to us from an enemy who, as John and Stasi Eldredge point out in their writings, KNOWS who we can be and FEARS us. That gives me strength to fight! I KNOW that God has plans for my life and they are deeply opposed. My healing --- my FREEDOM --- is in direct opposition to the plans of the enemy. As long as I am hobbled, I pose no threat…and so my God comes to me in a dream to reveal a new level of healing so I can be free to pursue Him and His dreams for my life. I am deeply humbled by His love and relentless pursuit of my heart… and I will openly receive His crown of beauty in exchange for the ashes of mourning and despair…

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3 (New Living Translation)

change

There is little similarity between the life I live today and the life I thought I would be living, and yet I cannot imagine who I would be if I had gotten what I had planned instead of this life that a gracious Father has wrought in spite of me. There is disappointment and joy; fear and hope; war and peace; giving up and then fighting again…and an inexorable drawing of my heart toward it’s home in the safety of my Savior’s embrace.

My plans, desires and dreams have changed dramatically. Back in my early adult years there were hopes of a husband and a family (yup, right down to 6 kids – yikes!) and ministering together for the Lord, but He knew SO MUCH better than I what was ahead. There were many years to come of pain and heartache and working through the trash that I wasn’t even aware of AS trash! I lived in the midst of so much wretchedness I had no clue that it was even there…like an animal so mired in it’s own crap that it doesn’t even know that it should hope for something more. And I am completely overwhelmed by God’s persistent pursuit of my heart.

It baffles me still. He knew that to reach through the mess of my heart and pull out the roots of bitterness, anger, shame, fear, betrayal and so much loss, He would have to thwart my many, many efforts to TAKE life for myself. He has pursued me relentlessly and has not let me off the hook easily. It has taken me a long time to get it – and trust me, I’m still in process with this – but I am SO grateful that He has loved me enough to chase after me in this way. I am so grateful that He has saved me for these days and for the new things He is bringing me into.

I still don’t understand why, and sometimes I feel so alone in the struggle that it breaks my heart, but I know that His heart breaks for me and His love fills all those painful places as His HOPE is renewed in me again today. HE IS DOING A NEW THING and I sit with open hands waiting for HIS guidance for HIS initiatives in my life. Yes, I still love deeply; trust slowly and grow intermittently, but HE is there every moment. I can trust Him with my heart and desires for the future and HE is my HOPE. It is a good, good day to love a risen Savior who cares about the tiniest details of my life. He is AWESOME and I WILL honor Him by pressing through to become the woman He has believed in the entire time. I am undone…

new life...

For years I’ve just bought into the lies – I’ve been living as though the lies were the truth…as though I am less than who God created me to be. As though another person’s distorted impression of who I am (based on their own wounds, I might add), could actually be that woman I see every morning in the mirror. How is this even possible? How does a rational, sane, intelligent person come to believe lies about their character, stability, nature…its like being in a cult where you just drink the koolaid without dissecting the source and rejecting the poison. It is crazy-making!

I woke up in the middle of the night last night – wasn’t feeling well with a cold – and was overwhelmed by the thoughts that I will never get it; never be good enough; never lose weight; never be loved for who I really am; just never… anything! And in that moment, God came for me. Oh, God, what sweet refreshing you breathe into my soul when the barrenness threatens to overcome and wipe out the new growth of faith and trust and healing.

A couple weeks ago in my small group, mygroup leader really came after my heart … I mean, he just called me out – really pushing me to go to the core of the pain and lay it out there for everyone to see. I'm sure he didn't realize how much he was battling for me in that moment – and what a treasure for me to experience being fought for in that way. It was a huge risk for me in a world where I have learned the very painful lesson that risk is too much – too hard – that when you expose vulnerability it will be used against you. But he came after me with gentleness and persistence and an overpowering sense of concern and love that I could not resist.

THIS is what Jesus called us into community for … this CONNECTION to others that serves to draw us closer to Him. And it is worth it because healing and freedom lie on the other side. I was undone in that moment…and immeasureably blessed. As a single woman it is not often that I feel the strength of a man battling for my heart – and then the whole group fought for my heart and THAT was the pure healing power of Christ’s love and has brought me to the edge – to stepping into the truth of who God created me to be and truly believing it in every moment. Its the another new beginning in a whole new world and I love this feeling!

I experienced the old tug today, to revert back to believing the lies…there was a less than stellar response to an email and my first instinct was, “okay fine, then! You don’t deserve my heart – not a chance!” But then this total other-worldly response stole up over me and instead of reacting out of fear of rejection and pain of the past, this strength rose up in me and I knew in that moment, the truth that I have been nudged to embrace, “Damn it, I deserve to be pursued! I AM honorable and lovely; a daughter of an amazing Father; full of grace; beautiful as He created me; with gifts of wisdom, nurture and creativity; I DESERVE to be PURSUED.”

I was awestruck…by the surging strength of this truth…but even more, by the generosity and power of God’s love drawing me out and opening me up like a beautiful new bud just before bloom. I am just beginning to be able to recognize the value that HE has placed in me and find the ability to stand against the lies and stand FOR the truth! I am humbled that He would pursue me so long...for so many years...and STILL not give up when I take so many alternative paths so often. As Jared Anderson sings, "He loves us; oh how He loves us; oh how He loves us; oh how He LOVES!"

For every thing in life there is a season, and this is MY season of new life and hope for all things born of my patient and loving Father’s sweet patient persistence in my heart! I am utterly undone by His LOVE!