This is all part of the process...

It's been quite some time now, since I've taken the time to update what has been happening and how the process is going. Part of that is due to the incredible busy-ness of my schedule at work, as well as a wonderful 2-week trip to California and back with my parents ... what a blessing they are, and what a blessing my job is for me as well.

It's been a long time - much too long ... and I've lost ground - or at least it feels as though I've lost ground - in my "process". I've begun working with a spiritual director again, after many years without one, and I see the beginnings of centeredness entering my life once again. Its a good thing, I feel, this new part of the process, but also difficult. Last week I took the Enneagram test and came out as a nine, which is the "peacemaker". I laughed out loud because I really don't embody that in my day to day life ... at least not what you think of when you've grown up in Mennonite circles.

But the peacemaker in the enneagram, is really about being patient, steady, easygoing, receptive, relaxed, unselfconscious, agreeable, uncomplicated, contented, comforting, sensual and idealizing - so okay, yeah, that IS me... and I tend to get in trouble by being emotionally unavailable, complacent, inattentive, unaware of my own anger, ineffectual, passive-aggressive, unrealistic, resigned and stubborn. At my best as a nine, I am self-aware, dynamic, inclusive, steadfast, healing, proactive, contemplative, natural, imaginative, serene, exuberant, engaged and passionate.

Interestingly, some of the ways a nine gets in trouble were things I became aware of a long time ago and began to work to change ... such as being passive-aggressive, unrealistic or stubborn. However, there is a biggie there that I was completely unaware of, and that is my anger. I thought I was a pretty happy person and didn't have a lot of anger, but really, as a peacemaker, I had simply learned how to shove it out of my mind with other "things" ... inappropriate things ... things that put walls between me and God, and me and others - very emotionally unavailable, because I NEEDED to be at peace inside myself ... and so I learned to take that peace, no matter the cost. Yeah, not the best way to go, obviously!

So, last week, before I had read the whole profile, I had an appointment with Tara, and, because it had been bubbling up to the surface, I told her a bit timidly, that I was beginning to think I have a real anger problem. She smiled and pulled out a printed copy of my enneagram profile and showed me how nines tend to avoid their anger, don't feel they have the right to truly feel it, and keep it covered up with whatever they need to, to be safe from it.

Then she asked me what I'm so angry about, and a deep crevasse opened in my heart. I tried hard not to let her see how deep the rift was because it is SO deep ... and so personal, but there it was: anger with life; anger at God for allowing my life to be what it was - for all the disappointments; anger at a boy who deeply hurt my heart last year - huge, massive, kick-you-in-the-gut anger ... and Tara gave me the space to not have to admit the depths of it to her. Instead she encouraged me to go to the deepest places of it with myself - and with God. And honestly, I'm a bit afraid to go there, but I am also aware that that is just the side of me that doesn't like conflict and wants to avoid it ... my head knows that on the other side of that conflict is a deep peace, so I'm beginning the process... I'm going to go there, and I'll let you know what its like on the other side. I have great hope for tomorrow - I am a strong and godly woman who desires a depth of relationship with my creator that I have not yet seen - and I am confident that He will honor that desire, hold me through the process, comfort me in the conflict and heal the pain! It is a really, really GOOD thing!