Wow ... so I thought what I shared in my "Motives" post was life-changing for me, but it was just another step. Life-changing, yes, but not the deep healing I've embraced just by turning a page in a book ... If you ever just pop in to visit me at home, you'll see a scattering of books on my couch - I'll clean them up if I know you're coming, so if you want to see the real me, just pop in! But be prepared for controlled chaos! :) I keep these books out because I'm either part of the way through one of them or its the next one I want to read or it just intrigued me enough to pull it off the bookshelf for a change. And if you've read enough of my posts, you'll know I love to learn and go deeper and authentic relationship is kind of my "thing". Its where I want to be...
This morning I decided to jump into the next section in Walking With God, called "Healing the Past". I honestly thought it would be a quick read because of all the processing and healing I've already done, but once again I was stopped dead in my tracks with one sentence. John Eldredge was talking about growing up in a non-Christian home and of his process of asking forgiveness for some his actions in high school, but then he took it deeper. He writes, "I wasn't repenting of my search for joy, but of the places I let it take me. I found myself then praying against despair as the deeper issue."
This threw me! It was like a light went on in a pitch black room ... it wasn't the DESIRE for joy that has been wrong in my life, it is my response to that desire for joy ... that aching ... it is WHERE I have let it take me! WHOA... seriously!!! And so you will have to understand a bit of my story to see why this is such a revelation to me...
As a little girl, I was five when my dad got a pastorate in small-town Ontario. That summer or fall, after we moved, we went back to visit friends for a day. It was a beautiful warm day and we had a lot of fun. They didn't have kids our age, but the couple was really great and just doted on us and made us feel special. But then darkness fell - literally, yes, but for me figuratively as well. I don't recall how it happened, but I ended up on the front porch in the dark with the couple's teenage son... it was one of those typical five-year-old school girl crushes on a teenage boy, and he took full advantage of the situation. For those of you who have been abused, you will understand the complex mix of feelings ... fear, confusion, disconnection and panic, but all mixed in with the fact that this person you "liked" is paying attention to YOU ... and so there is pleasure mixed in with all the other feelings. Its horrible and something that no child should ever have to go through. It changes you ... the bright world becomes dark; the happy times are never enough; the emotional disconnect, internally, is insurmountable. There is a deep aching that can never be filled outside of the love of Christ and His healing.
Now you can see the impact of these sentences from the book: "I wasn't repenting of my search for joy, but of the places I let it take me. I found myself then praying against despair as the deeper issue."
It was instantly obvious to me that my real issue is despair and the agreements I have made with it ... I recall CLEARLY being on the front porch and seeing my family inside with this couple we came to visit. They were all in the light, playing games around the table, laughing, having a good time ... and I was out on the porch, in the dark, being confronted with the most incomprehensible, confusing and painful experience of my short life ... and my heart changed. I embraced new convictions about who I was and what I deserved, and they were cemented in my heart: always on the outside; never included; never loved; never wanted for "me"; never protected and forever ignored. The pure love that my siblings understood and experienced was no longer an option for me and I embraced despair. I ACHED for that love, but understood that it wasn't available to me ... that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough ...
Don't get me wrong here, none of this was a conscious process ... what five-year-old could possibly understand and make a conscious decision about this? It is simply a part of what happens when abuse enters a life, and its different for everyone ... yet still the same. And so I made agreements that were deep and lasting, and this reading today opened me up to a new thought. It is not the DESIRE for joy that is wrong! THAT alone is life-changing for me. To desire joy, to WANT ... to ACHE ... is not wrong ... but where I have let my search for that take me is what is wrong and what I need to repent of, what I can be responsible for and change.
Its a pretty easy connection to make the transition from that one instance of abuse as a little girl, to a lifetime of turning to men for the answer. And as a little girl, when boys left me empty I would turn instead to sneaking food from the pantry or change from mum's purse or dad's dresser, running down to the local store to buy chips or soda that I would rush to eat before going home again. And when that didn't work to fill my aching, it was back to boys ... an endless, painful cycle of striving. And I can't blame my little girl self for going there, but I CAN change that today ... the Lord has slowly been bringing me to this place. He has laid the foundation for the freedom to come ...
And so today I renounce the agreement I made with despair. I renounce the agreement I made that a boy is the answer. I renounce the agreement I made that food is the answer to the aching. Jesus, I renounce it all, and I ask your forgiveness. I ask you to cleanse me. I ask you into those memories, one at a time, show me where you were. Show me how you held me in the midst of every painful situation ... and He DID ... this morning has been a truly beautiful time of healing and wholeness for me. Things that I have been working on forEVER are completed this morning. Its a new day - makes me think of a Francesca Batistelli song, Free To Be Me - "... got a couple dents in my fender, got a couple rips in my jeans ... but on your shoulders I can see, I'm free to be me..." (google it - great song!)
I feel lighter now ... something is gone. Its a super cool feeling - one I've been waiting for for a long time. And I am SO grateful for the Lord's protection. He has worked overtime for the past 15 years, bringing me to this point and keeping me from relationships that I would have chosen in an attempt to find that joy. I am absolutely humbled by His love ... by the way he has sought me and continues to draw me. It is tangible - something I'm sure I could just reach out and touch in any moment - even when I have turned away from Him - STILL He chased me down and here I sit today, in a new place of freedom. Yeah, I know there will be tough times ahead, life isn't easy, but I am ready for the challenge ... and I KNOW that He has a plan for me ... for my life!
So, why share something so deeply personal? Well, because I want YOU to know that there is HOPE. There is NOTHING more true than the Lord's love for us and His desire to have relationship with us ... He desires a deep, intimate and open love affair with each of us and He will meet you as you unwrap the pain ... open your heart and allow the breeze of His gentle caress to heal you... it is ALL about the process and letting Him love you... He's just waiting for us to become active participants in the story of our own healing. We have to be willing to go there ... to say, "Okay, what are you doing, Lord? What is this? What are you saying?" He's just waiting ...
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Motives ...
I was reading a bit after work today about Motives, in Walking with God (a great book, btw). Its been a little while since I picked that book up, and Motives was the next section to read, so I read it and thought - hmmm, thats good - but then began to move on to the next section and just brush this one off in a "yeah, I've got that" kind of way.
But something stopped me. Just a nudge to take it deeper, so I went back and read it a second time. And I was struck by the idea of being honest about what it is that compels me. He talks about our personality and the excuses we give for why we are the way we are, but that we need to face the reality that we choose our personality to some extent based on our motivations. For example, I won't confront someone in person because I'm afraid of the repercussions; or conversely, I always confront because of my need to control the situation. Basically what it comes down to is lack of trust. And yup, that's a big deal for me. Trust is HUGE.
So, I decided to take a little time and write about my motives, and one pretty major theme jumped out at me. Something I've always been good at is my ability/desire to be transparent in all that I do - its just natural for me to be straight up. On the one hand this can be a good thing and you don't have to guess what I'm thinking, but there is also the dark side of it...the motive behind why I insist on honesty and laying my heart out there for the world to see...and that is control. I realized as I wrote about it and delved into the "why" behind my transparency, that I use that need to be straight up as a way to control situations. If I let you know where I'm at, then I won't have to live in the gray areas of life. I never have to deal with the unknown. There are no surprises. You will always have all the information you need to relate to me. I've paved the way! (hmmm, where is the mystery...the trust...in that?)
I'm not good with the gray areas of life. I used to be the same way in my work life, but have had a couple of bosses who lived so much in the gray areas that I've had no choice but to change - so I've really loosened up there, but still go for black and white in my personal life. Its a need to be real - to let "you" know exactly where I'm at regarding our "relationship" (whatever that may be)...and its NOT healthy because it IS about control. If I tell you how I'm feeling even though you haven't asked to know, then I won't be surprised by "you." WOW!
Had a good friend recently challenge me to live in the gray areas and allow friendships to develop/flourish naturally without having to figure out the ending today. While some of you may not understand that, some of you will...and its all about releasing my control and letting the Lord take over. It's about learning to trust the Lord to supply ALL my needs and not just the ones I'm willing to let him into...the ones that don't matter quite so much or aren't so close to my wound.
My deepest desire and daily longing is to be living right in the middle of the Lord's will for my life. And so I've begun to actually allow myself to live in the gray areas of life, but its stressful because that is ME giving up the control over the outcome and purposely opening my life and heart up to surprises, knowing that they are not all happy surprises. It's hard. It's a long process and it's not my natural bent ... interesting though, that the bent that I call "natural" is really all aobut self-preservation. Its NOT how God created me! It is the mechanism by which I have been able to control my own destiny and keep people at arm's length...it has been my way of escape from deeply connecting in relationship with others.
And so I embark on a new path in the journey...and I feel myself wanting to tell certain people exactly where I'm at and what I've discovered so they will understand who I have been and who I am becoming. ONCE AGAIN wanting to control and influence relationships and potential relationships. Whoa! But SO cool that I am recognizing that and NOT going that direction (makes me think of an email in my drafts that I just need to go and delete - yay! FREEDOM!!!).
I'm ready to let it go. Gray areas will continue to be tough for me and I'll have to fight against them, but I DESIRE to go there, just for the sake of learning to live without control...learning to live in a trusting relationship with my Father and just waiting to see the great surprises HE has in store for me that I had NOTHING to do with. Thank you, Bob, for the challenge to go colorless! Here I come gray world!
But something stopped me. Just a nudge to take it deeper, so I went back and read it a second time. And I was struck by the idea of being honest about what it is that compels me. He talks about our personality and the excuses we give for why we are the way we are, but that we need to face the reality that we choose our personality to some extent based on our motivations. For example, I won't confront someone in person because I'm afraid of the repercussions; or conversely, I always confront because of my need to control the situation. Basically what it comes down to is lack of trust. And yup, that's a big deal for me. Trust is HUGE.
So, I decided to take a little time and write about my motives, and one pretty major theme jumped out at me. Something I've always been good at is my ability/desire to be transparent in all that I do - its just natural for me to be straight up. On the one hand this can be a good thing and you don't have to guess what I'm thinking, but there is also the dark side of it...the motive behind why I insist on honesty and laying my heart out there for the world to see...and that is control. I realized as I wrote about it and delved into the "why" behind my transparency, that I use that need to be straight up as a way to control situations. If I let you know where I'm at, then I won't have to live in the gray areas of life. I never have to deal with the unknown. There are no surprises. You will always have all the information you need to relate to me. I've paved the way! (hmmm, where is the mystery...the trust...in that?)
I'm not good with the gray areas of life. I used to be the same way in my work life, but have had a couple of bosses who lived so much in the gray areas that I've had no choice but to change - so I've really loosened up there, but still go for black and white in my personal life. Its a need to be real - to let "you" know exactly where I'm at regarding our "relationship" (whatever that may be)...and its NOT healthy because it IS about control. If I tell you how I'm feeling even though you haven't asked to know, then I won't be surprised by "you." WOW!
Had a good friend recently challenge me to live in the gray areas and allow friendships to develop/flourish naturally without having to figure out the ending today. While some of you may not understand that, some of you will...and its all about releasing my control and letting the Lord take over. It's about learning to trust the Lord to supply ALL my needs and not just the ones I'm willing to let him into...the ones that don't matter quite so much or aren't so close to my wound.
My deepest desire and daily longing is to be living right in the middle of the Lord's will for my life. And so I've begun to actually allow myself to live in the gray areas of life, but its stressful because that is ME giving up the control over the outcome and purposely opening my life and heart up to surprises, knowing that they are not all happy surprises. It's hard. It's a long process and it's not my natural bent ... interesting though, that the bent that I call "natural" is really all aobut self-preservation. Its NOT how God created me! It is the mechanism by which I have been able to control my own destiny and keep people at arm's length...it has been my way of escape from deeply connecting in relationship with others.
And so I embark on a new path in the journey...and I feel myself wanting to tell certain people exactly where I'm at and what I've discovered so they will understand who I have been and who I am becoming. ONCE AGAIN wanting to control and influence relationships and potential relationships. Whoa! But SO cool that I am recognizing that and NOT going that direction (makes me think of an email in my drafts that I just need to go and delete - yay! FREEDOM!!!).
I'm ready to let it go. Gray areas will continue to be tough for me and I'll have to fight against them, but I DESIRE to go there, just for the sake of learning to live without control...learning to live in a trusting relationship with my Father and just waiting to see the great surprises HE has in store for me that I had NOTHING to do with. Thank you, Bob, for the challenge to go colorless! Here I come gray world!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Restless for more
Lately God has been doing something new in me ... in my heart. There has been a "shift" - and it's a GOOD thing! Over the past few years I've spent a lot of time just trying to become the woman I know God created me to be, and failing miserably in every attempt. I would see some success but inevitably, because I was doing most of the work in my own power and not resting in the Lord, I would fail.
And its not that trying and desiring is wrong, but doing that without having learned to walk with God in the process, is a futile attempt to create life for myself ... I was grasping. But there has been a shift. My restlessness has been tamed by the gentle and overwhelmingly passionate love of Christ for ME. What an absolute trip! The shifting was subtle but one day a few weeks ago, I realized that something had changed. Something BIG! And now the restlessness is new.
I am no longer restless for the completion of the work the Lord is doing. I am now confident it has already been done and I am standing in that promise ... I will not be shaken. And I am completely aware that I am in a battle - that there is a battle for my healing but the Lord will prevail as I am a willing participant WITH Him in the process... eyes to the front and heart for the Lord!
Now I am restless FOR the Lord ... for more of HIM ... and THAT is what's new! Not that I haven't wanted this before, but without that "shift" in my soul, there was a block to my desire. Its something that all of us have to face at some point if we really want to be free ... really desire to walk forward without hanging on to the past - truly giving up our own attempts to grasp life for ourselves.
I am also aware that this shift inside of me is new and tender, and that there will be a battle just for that. I can choose to walk away from it - to turn back to my own grasping ... we all have to face that choice ... every single day. And we have to have the strength to face that choice. And I am acutely aware that the amount of time that I spend in the presence of the Lord is directly proportionate to the amount of strength I will have for the battle! It is a sacrifice ... daily ... moment by moment. On my own, I will fail, but in His presence I will always win. It won't be easy and I'll still have to deal with the pain of lost hope, desires unmet and realities of life, but I have a promise ... Because of His great love for me, he died and rose again that I would NOT be lost. His love is overwhelming and I am awed at His little touches in my life ... and blown away by the big ones.
I am restless for more ... more of the Lord. May I always be reminded of His love for me in the way that I am this morning. And may I always be open to his voice in the midst of the chaos of life. It isn't easy, but there has been a shift ... and I want MORE!
And its not that trying and desiring is wrong, but doing that without having learned to walk with God in the process, is a futile attempt to create life for myself ... I was grasping. But there has been a shift. My restlessness has been tamed by the gentle and overwhelmingly passionate love of Christ for ME. What an absolute trip! The shifting was subtle but one day a few weeks ago, I realized that something had changed. Something BIG! And now the restlessness is new.
I am no longer restless for the completion of the work the Lord is doing. I am now confident it has already been done and I am standing in that promise ... I will not be shaken. And I am completely aware that I am in a battle - that there is a battle for my healing but the Lord will prevail as I am a willing participant WITH Him in the process... eyes to the front and heart for the Lord!
Now I am restless FOR the Lord ... for more of HIM ... and THAT is what's new! Not that I haven't wanted this before, but without that "shift" in my soul, there was a block to my desire. Its something that all of us have to face at some point if we really want to be free ... really desire to walk forward without hanging on to the past - truly giving up our own attempts to grasp life for ourselves.
I am also aware that this shift inside of me is new and tender, and that there will be a battle just for that. I can choose to walk away from it - to turn back to my own grasping ... we all have to face that choice ... every single day. And we have to have the strength to face that choice. And I am acutely aware that the amount of time that I spend in the presence of the Lord is directly proportionate to the amount of strength I will have for the battle! It is a sacrifice ... daily ... moment by moment. On my own, I will fail, but in His presence I will always win. It won't be easy and I'll still have to deal with the pain of lost hope, desires unmet and realities of life, but I have a promise ... Because of His great love for me, he died and rose again that I would NOT be lost. His love is overwhelming and I am awed at His little touches in my life ... and blown away by the big ones.
I am restless for more ... more of the Lord. May I always be reminded of His love for me in the way that I am this morning. And may I always be open to his voice in the midst of the chaos of life. It isn't easy, but there has been a shift ... and I want MORE!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Timing
God is so cool ... he just does it right every time. Today I came crashing right up against misunderstanding. Someone didn't read an email thoroughly and my follow up attempts at explanation didn't alleviate the misunderstanding but only seemed to make it worse. And I handled it well I think. I took the time to discuss an appropriate response and how to phrase it - I read it over numerous times before responding - and I also attempted to correct the misunderstanding. The response I received was to the tune of "you don't respect my request and you're out of line." and they basically called me out in front of other people.
I'm not sure why I should be, but I was honestly surprised! Surprised initially by the misinterpretation, but also by my inability to make it right again ... to bring peace to the relationship. I'm kind of all about peace in relationship and don't like that feeling of unfinished business. I desire to be real and honest in all things ... but I was shut down. And yes, I've begun to understand that I simply cannot live in this world and have peace in every relationship ... it is the way of a fallen world, but I don't like it and so I resist it.
So, I took some more time to reflect and then determined to just let it go and attempt to forget about it. Then I picked up Waking the Dead again, and started reading in chapter six, the beginning of the section on the four streams (life-transforming stuff for sure!) ... and right there in the first paragraphs is a story about betrayal. Yes, different than misunderstanding but with the same key message: Resentment is just waiting for an opportunity to come in and take up residence at the first opportunity! Whoa... and yes, I can feel that. I know it to be true right now...
I sit with that for a while but keep going back to the thought that its not MY misunderstanding - its not MY issue ... or is it? Should I have handled it differently? I don't think I did anything wrong ... or did I? No, I feel a peace about this - I'm certain I handled it well - I feel that. And as I read further in the same paragraph and they talk about self-reproach in spite of being so sure you did nothing wrong ... and then move on to forgiveness. I just need to forgive them. I do ... I know it. And yet I am so annoyed at their response and, just as it happens in the book, I want to go to PRIDE. I do. I am right ... I was wronged and that is NOT just! I deserve justification but I will deign to forgive them...me on my high horse! **sigh**
And as I realize that I am wanting to go to pride ... am already stepping across the threshold of it, I am silenced by the words in this book. HIS TIMING is impeccable. I'm already heading there and He leads me back to a book I've read numerous times, to admonish me! How easily I have forgotten all that He has done and just walk back into the sickness of living on my own - independent, self-righteous, seeking my own justice ... I am undone ... overwhelmed and full of the knowledge that I will never be enough, but that HE will be enough in me. I'm just another lost child who needs a dad to show her the truth.
I am redeemed, transformed and renewed. I will NOT choose my own justice but instead I will choose forgiveness, not out of arrogance and a sense of being "right", but out of the knowledge of my own brokenness. I choose LOVE ... I have to choose love ... I don't want half a sandwich - I want the WHOLE thing! And I am acutely aware of my human-ness once again, but that is where I need to be to feel His transforming power. I cannot change unless I realize I need to be changed. I need it, but spend so much more time living in the struggle ... but thats reality. It's easier to understand it than it is to live it! **sigh**
I'm not sure why I should be, but I was honestly surprised! Surprised initially by the misinterpretation, but also by my inability to make it right again ... to bring peace to the relationship. I'm kind of all about peace in relationship and don't like that feeling of unfinished business. I desire to be real and honest in all things ... but I was shut down. And yes, I've begun to understand that I simply cannot live in this world and have peace in every relationship ... it is the way of a fallen world, but I don't like it and so I resist it.
So, I took some more time to reflect and then determined to just let it go and attempt to forget about it. Then I picked up Waking the Dead again, and started reading in chapter six, the beginning of the section on the four streams (life-transforming stuff for sure!) ... and right there in the first paragraphs is a story about betrayal. Yes, different than misunderstanding but with the same key message: Resentment is just waiting for an opportunity to come in and take up residence at the first opportunity! Whoa... and yes, I can feel that. I know it to be true right now...
I sit with that for a while but keep going back to the thought that its not MY misunderstanding - its not MY issue ... or is it? Should I have handled it differently? I don't think I did anything wrong ... or did I? No, I feel a peace about this - I'm certain I handled it well - I feel that. And as I read further in the same paragraph and they talk about self-reproach in spite of being so sure you did nothing wrong ... and then move on to forgiveness. I just need to forgive them. I do ... I know it. And yet I am so annoyed at their response and, just as it happens in the book, I want to go to PRIDE. I do. I am right ... I was wronged and that is NOT just! I deserve justification but I will deign to forgive them...me on my high horse! **sigh**
And as I realize that I am wanting to go to pride ... am already stepping across the threshold of it, I am silenced by the words in this book. HIS TIMING is impeccable. I'm already heading there and He leads me back to a book I've read numerous times, to admonish me! How easily I have forgotten all that He has done and just walk back into the sickness of living on my own - independent, self-righteous, seeking my own justice ... I am undone ... overwhelmed and full of the knowledge that I will never be enough, but that HE will be enough in me. I'm just another lost child who needs a dad to show her the truth.
I am redeemed, transformed and renewed. I will NOT choose my own justice but instead I will choose forgiveness, not out of arrogance and a sense of being "right", but out of the knowledge of my own brokenness. I choose LOVE ... I have to choose love ... I don't want half a sandwich - I want the WHOLE thing! And I am acutely aware of my human-ness once again, but that is where I need to be to feel His transforming power. I cannot change unless I realize I need to be changed. I need it, but spend so much more time living in the struggle ... but thats reality. It's easier to understand it than it is to live it! **sigh**
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Hitting reality and leaning into the Lord ...
Most of us spend a lot of time avoiding our realities. Don't get me wrong, we are successful, committed and living life, but we don't face the deep stuff ... the reality of that which has caused us to push through the tough stuff. And not facing it just leads us to an alone-ness that was never the intention of our Lord who created us in the first place.
I'm tired of going it alone. I'm tired of holding up walls to protect myself so "you" won't hurt me, tired of hiding the real me so "you" won't walk away, tired of pretending everything is okay when there are so many moments of pain... we are CREATED for relationship but TRAINED for separation by the hard things of life ... by the battle that we are engaged in and the attacks of the enemy to deaden our hearts to a life that is truly worthy to be lived. So, I'm tired. I NEED relationship and I desire relationship ... to know others and to be truly known for ME ... flaws and everything, insecurities and failures. We all deal with fear of rejection and fear of not being enough ... or being too much ... and fear keeps us from letting go and stretching out our hands and hearts to connect with others because we KNOW that pain is the prize we will find at the end of the journey. We are sure of it! It has been proven, over and over.
I just watched Love Happens and was impressed with the way the main female character was willing to put aside her own pain and fear, in order to truly touch someone else's heart ... to transcend the fear and reach out and enter the deep pain ... to be a part of their process of healing. I am that person too. Many of us are - that compassion and discernment is a part of who God created us to be... but then there is the fear and we back away. The intimacy is too much so we shut down. I am willing to be that person - or at least I have been, but then I get burned by someone's words ... I fear their perception of me as desperate or needy (either in friendship or more than) and no matter how wrong they are, I walk away. It is hurtful to be seen as desperate, to be seen as something that I am not ... but instead of pushing back against the lie I choose to walk away rather than go deeper. I choose the easy path and it draws me into isolation ... and nothing good happens in that place.
But then ... GOD happens AGAIN! He comes in and begins to heal my heart. He opens me up like a truly precious gift and explores me with the tenderness, discernment and compassion that HE created. He HAS opened me and HE is healing me. The process is long and so hard at times that we have to retreat from the pain ... but we have to come out again. We have to! Living in that pain will only deaden your heart and none of us can stand that place. There is no life there and we NEED LIFE! We need JOY and healing and the all-consuming LOVE that our Lord gives to us in that place of safe retreat. I choose the safe retreat of my Father's arms and allow Him to heal me and set me loose again, to be there as a companion for those who are on their own journey to healing. We need each other ...
I am coming out of a hard place right now, and I KNOW that His healing is right there and I embrace it! I reach for the freedom and I rest in His love. And I am confident that He will work His good will in my life as I surrender to Him ... as I allow Him into those dark and painful places, and as I allow friends and those who love me to touch my heart. I am blessed to have the relationships and friendships in my life that I do ... thank you for accepting me today, exactly as I am ... I feel the same way about you, and I love you too!
I'm tired of going it alone. I'm tired of holding up walls to protect myself so "you" won't hurt me, tired of hiding the real me so "you" won't walk away, tired of pretending everything is okay when there are so many moments of pain... we are CREATED for relationship but TRAINED for separation by the hard things of life ... by the battle that we are engaged in and the attacks of the enemy to deaden our hearts to a life that is truly worthy to be lived. So, I'm tired. I NEED relationship and I desire relationship ... to know others and to be truly known for ME ... flaws and everything, insecurities and failures. We all deal with fear of rejection and fear of not being enough ... or being too much ... and fear keeps us from letting go and stretching out our hands and hearts to connect with others because we KNOW that pain is the prize we will find at the end of the journey. We are sure of it! It has been proven, over and over.
I just watched Love Happens and was impressed with the way the main female character was willing to put aside her own pain and fear, in order to truly touch someone else's heart ... to transcend the fear and reach out and enter the deep pain ... to be a part of their process of healing. I am that person too. Many of us are - that compassion and discernment is a part of who God created us to be... but then there is the fear and we back away. The intimacy is too much so we shut down. I am willing to be that person - or at least I have been, but then I get burned by someone's words ... I fear their perception of me as desperate or needy (either in friendship or more than) and no matter how wrong they are, I walk away. It is hurtful to be seen as desperate, to be seen as something that I am not ... but instead of pushing back against the lie I choose to walk away rather than go deeper. I choose the easy path and it draws me into isolation ... and nothing good happens in that place.
But then ... GOD happens AGAIN! He comes in and begins to heal my heart. He opens me up like a truly precious gift and explores me with the tenderness, discernment and compassion that HE created. He HAS opened me and HE is healing me. The process is long and so hard at times that we have to retreat from the pain ... but we have to come out again. We have to! Living in that pain will only deaden your heart and none of us can stand that place. There is no life there and we NEED LIFE! We need JOY and healing and the all-consuming LOVE that our Lord gives to us in that place of safe retreat. I choose the safe retreat of my Father's arms and allow Him to heal me and set me loose again, to be there as a companion for those who are on their own journey to healing. We need each other ...
I am coming out of a hard place right now, and I KNOW that His healing is right there and I embrace it! I reach for the freedom and I rest in His love. And I am confident that He will work His good will in my life as I surrender to Him ... as I allow Him into those dark and painful places, and as I allow friends and those who love me to touch my heart. I am blessed to have the relationships and friendships in my life that I do ... thank you for accepting me today, exactly as I am ... I feel the same way about you, and I love you too!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Deep breathing
How often do you take the time to sit still and just take a deep breath? Put on some Kenny G, dim the lights, light the candles and just breathe ... just let Him love you. Open your heart to His touch ... His words ... His presence.
I really need that today.
Life is work and when I don't take that time I get overwhelmed. Boxed in by my thoughts, other's expectations, my own expectations ... and I take back the control.
I've discovered today (when I took the time to "breathe") that I struggle with letting go of the control over my own life ... my own destiny. And isn't that just amazing because its not real control - its just a false sense of control that only brings pain down the road. Yes, I know this, and yet I strive to hold onto the control when truly, only in letting go will I EVER have the life I dream of ... that my Father dreams for me.
It's a process though, eh? A long one too, but one that I so deeply want to be a part of for I KNOW that it is only in the process that I will experience a true and deep love, and the JOY that my Father wants for me ... that he has already given to me. A joy that transcends circumstance and allows me to enter His presence and lie in His arms and just breathe ... just breathe ... ahhhhhhhhhhhh
I really need that today.
Life is work and when I don't take that time I get overwhelmed. Boxed in by my thoughts, other's expectations, my own expectations ... and I take back the control.
I've discovered today (when I took the time to "breathe") that I struggle with letting go of the control over my own life ... my own destiny. And isn't that just amazing because its not real control - its just a false sense of control that only brings pain down the road. Yes, I know this, and yet I strive to hold onto the control when truly, only in letting go will I EVER have the life I dream of ... that my Father dreams for me.
It's a process though, eh? A long one too, but one that I so deeply want to be a part of for I KNOW that it is only in the process that I will experience a true and deep love, and the JOY that my Father wants for me ... that he has already given to me. A joy that transcends circumstance and allows me to enter His presence and lie in His arms and just breathe ... just breathe ... ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Holding on ... and letting go ...
Why is it so hard to let go of that which we have held onto for so long? Whether it be a dream or a "way of living" or a friendship or the hope for something more, this is one of the most difficult things to do ... letting go. We question everything ... where is God, what is the right thing to do, what will happen if I don't "arrange" for this life myself? So many questions, but they all boil down to one issue - TRUST!
One of those "new" things God has done for me is complete a work of trust in my life. I am suddenly able to trust Him as never before. I actually trust that He does have, not only my best interests in His heart, but the ability to transcend all and miraculously heal, complete, lift me out of whatever situation I am in. He DESIRES to do this for me and I have only to step out of the way to allow Him full reign in my life. THIS is how I am now able to let go...
... and this trust could not happen without an understanding of who He is, what my place is in Him and what He created me for. Before, I did not understand the depth, breadth, and capacity of His love for me. I doubted ... deeply ... that He cared at all for the details of my life. The uncertainty I lived in with my dreams, hopes and desires, allowed that deep doubt to creep in and then, motivated by fear, I reacted and tried to arrange for the life I so deeply desired ... I held onto so many things that I thought would bring "life", and in holding on, I turned away from trusting the only One who could ever bring fulfillment and freedom.
Now I am walking back from that edge and embracing the freedom of letting it all go. I no longer need to do anything to arrange for that life I thought I wanted, because He will go before me and give me the life that He has arranged for me.
By no means is this an easy process, this letting go, but it is something that He will guide me through and the freedom will come ... I am LOVING the process!
One of those "new" things God has done for me is complete a work of trust in my life. I am suddenly able to trust Him as never before. I actually trust that He does have, not only my best interests in His heart, but the ability to transcend all and miraculously heal, complete, lift me out of whatever situation I am in. He DESIRES to do this for me and I have only to step out of the way to allow Him full reign in my life. THIS is how I am now able to let go...
... and this trust could not happen without an understanding of who He is, what my place is in Him and what He created me for. Before, I did not understand the depth, breadth, and capacity of His love for me. I doubted ... deeply ... that He cared at all for the details of my life. The uncertainty I lived in with my dreams, hopes and desires, allowed that deep doubt to creep in and then, motivated by fear, I reacted and tried to arrange for the life I so deeply desired ... I held onto so many things that I thought would bring "life", and in holding on, I turned away from trusting the only One who could ever bring fulfillment and freedom.
Now I am walking back from that edge and embracing the freedom of letting it all go. I no longer need to do anything to arrange for that life I thought I wanted, because He will go before me and give me the life that He has arranged for me.
By no means is this an easy process, this letting go, but it is something that He will guide me through and the freedom will come ... I am LOVING the process!
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