I woke up early this morning with this thought on my mind ... choices ... I have them and its my choice to make the choice - to change, grow, become - or stay the same. It was a moment of clarity and a blessing from God who is drawing me back to his embrace. It was a breath of fresh air following a tough week.
I just love it when that happens. When God pushes hard enough to break through the walls I've set up - the defenses I've created to keep the pain away - to keep others away but which also serve to keep Him away. And its so crazy to build the defenses when I am fully aware that He is the one thing I can count on, but that is all part of this process of becoming ... of life! I thank God that the times between my awareness of His presence and love - His drawing - are hours now instead of the weeks and months they were back when I first left home.
Choice is a privilege and I am grateful for it. The choices I have made to protect myself become clarifying instruments when I make the choice to open up ... to let love in and to embrace His presence - I love that! I suddenly see in stark relief and clarity of heart and am able to turn away from the old choices and embrace the new!
Today is a new day full of new choices, and I'm cleaning out my closets! Time to make room for the new ... open up space to breathe and space to become. God is doing a new thing and life is FULL!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
loss of love
Loss of love is painful ... and the process of getting through it is hard ... so hard! Is it more painful if the love was deep and rich and reciprocated? I don't think so. I actually think it is harder for the one who loved if the love was not returned --- because of hope.
When hope is lost, it takes the pain of love so much deeper. When love has been returned, you have known the amazing experience of hope fulfilled ... of knowing you were chosen by another ... YOU ... WERE ... CHOSEN. It's exhilarating, cataclysmic ... that feeling of love and hope fulfilled, and the presence of love in your life. It is one of life's greatest blessings.
But if you loved someone and were living in hope for the fulfillment of that love ... and it never happened ... you question everything. And I'm not talking about a crush ... I'm talking about truly seeing another for who they are - on the inside - seeing their truth, what they live with every day, and loving them in spite of it ... and because of it ... When this love is not fulfilled, you stop trusting yourself and you stop trusting others ... including God. You die a little inside each day that you live with the disappointment and the pain of love that was not returned. Not only have you not been validated, but you've been invalidated ... and this causes you to question all you believe, feel, know and live.
Last night I watched Criminal Minds and during one particularly poignant scene when one of the main characters was playing a hostage negotiator and empathizing with a serial killer, I was thrust back into the pain of a love lost and hope destroyed. It was completely unexpected and just sidelined me to a place of deep awareness of love for a pretty amazing person. I keep thinking its over ... I'm over it ... I've moved on ... and then I get blindsided at the most unexpected times.
I've decided I don't like this place. I don't like loving someone who hurt me - who encouraged me to hope and then ripped me apart without apparent regard for any of my feelings. Their selfishness left me bleeding ... I hit my bottom, circled the wagons and worked every day just to survive ... one foot in front of the other. It was a horrible place to live and one I do not like to be reminded of.
So last night, having it slap me upside the head again was not fun! But then I realized that the hope in me has been reborn ... and its a good thing! I shouldn't have hope today - and for a long time I didn't - but God is restoring my hope. He is restoring the years that have been stolen. He is bringing joy in place of mourning; happiness in the place of deep pain ... it is the biggest miracle of all and certainly much more cataclysmic than the experience of love returned. The deepest wells of sorrow have begun to fill with hope and the desire to love is welling up again. But now it is a desire for so much more than the love of a man ... it is a desire to love myself well ... to embrace life and this process ... to experience the deep healing and lay myself open for the possibility of love. And yes, the possibility for pain ... My spiritual director has challenged me repeatedly that I cannot truly love another unless I have learned to love myself well first - and she is SO right on! I catch glimpses of it and I can't WAIT to be living in that place every moment of every day.
It's a process and one I am really beginning to enjoy. I'm getting involved in community at a new, smaller church (and what a surprise blessing that is!) and experiencing deeper relationships with girlfriends --- it is a good thing and I am in a good place.
Yes, loss of love is painful - and continues to be painful - but you can never experience the restoration of love and hope without it, and I would not be the woman I am today without having gone through this place of deep pain. It is the refining fire of loss of love that is bringing deep healing to those places I have so carefully guarded for so many years. There's a fresh wind blowing through my soul!
When hope is lost, it takes the pain of love so much deeper. When love has been returned, you have known the amazing experience of hope fulfilled ... of knowing you were chosen by another ... YOU ... WERE ... CHOSEN. It's exhilarating, cataclysmic ... that feeling of love and hope fulfilled, and the presence of love in your life. It is one of life's greatest blessings.
But if you loved someone and were living in hope for the fulfillment of that love ... and it never happened ... you question everything. And I'm not talking about a crush ... I'm talking about truly seeing another for who they are - on the inside - seeing their truth, what they live with every day, and loving them in spite of it ... and because of it ... When this love is not fulfilled, you stop trusting yourself and you stop trusting others ... including God. You die a little inside each day that you live with the disappointment and the pain of love that was not returned. Not only have you not been validated, but you've been invalidated ... and this causes you to question all you believe, feel, know and live.
Last night I watched Criminal Minds and during one particularly poignant scene when one of the main characters was playing a hostage negotiator and empathizing with a serial killer, I was thrust back into the pain of a love lost and hope destroyed. It was completely unexpected and just sidelined me to a place of deep awareness of love for a pretty amazing person. I keep thinking its over ... I'm over it ... I've moved on ... and then I get blindsided at the most unexpected times.
I've decided I don't like this place. I don't like loving someone who hurt me - who encouraged me to hope and then ripped me apart without apparent regard for any of my feelings. Their selfishness left me bleeding ... I hit my bottom, circled the wagons and worked every day just to survive ... one foot in front of the other. It was a horrible place to live and one I do not like to be reminded of.
So last night, having it slap me upside the head again was not fun! But then I realized that the hope in me has been reborn ... and its a good thing! I shouldn't have hope today - and for a long time I didn't - but God is restoring my hope. He is restoring the years that have been stolen. He is bringing joy in place of mourning; happiness in the place of deep pain ... it is the biggest miracle of all and certainly much more cataclysmic than the experience of love returned. The deepest wells of sorrow have begun to fill with hope and the desire to love is welling up again. But now it is a desire for so much more than the love of a man ... it is a desire to love myself well ... to embrace life and this process ... to experience the deep healing and lay myself open for the possibility of love. And yes, the possibility for pain ... My spiritual director has challenged me repeatedly that I cannot truly love another unless I have learned to love myself well first - and she is SO right on! I catch glimpses of it and I can't WAIT to be living in that place every moment of every day.
It's a process and one I am really beginning to enjoy. I'm getting involved in community at a new, smaller church (and what a surprise blessing that is!) and experiencing deeper relationships with girlfriends --- it is a good thing and I am in a good place.
Yes, loss of love is painful - and continues to be painful - but you can never experience the restoration of love and hope without it, and I would not be the woman I am today without having gone through this place of deep pain. It is the refining fire of loss of love that is bringing deep healing to those places I have so carefully guarded for so many years. There's a fresh wind blowing through my soul!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
i'm not broken ...
Guess what? I'm not broken! Seriously ... NOT BROKEN! Can you hear me? Am I SHOUTING LOUD ENOUGH????!!!! What a revelation!
This past week I had my monthly appointment with Tara, my spiritual director, and went into it knowing I wanted to talk to her about where I am and what I want to do in the days ahead ... but I had NO idea that I would experience another revelatory breakthrough. It seems that every time I get together with her there is something new the Lord wants to show me ... a new piece to this puzzle of life.
It must be because of the spiritual tenderness of her office and the way she bathes our time in prayer -- so thank you, Tara, for being open to the Lord and His leading as you facilitate our time together -- it is truly a blessing!
So this week I thought we'd go one direction and in the middle of my rambling and questions and fears, Tara just looks at me and says, "You're not broken. I look at you and I can just see you thinking in your head, 'I am so [screwed]'. You are not broken. You are not broken." I was overwhelmed -- flooded with new emotion and probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but she was dead on! And I didn't even realize that I believed that about myself.
I have functioned for years, in all areas of my life as though I am broken. And I have made deep agreements with that mantra. To actually think of myself as NOT broken was ... ... ... WOW! I couldn't imagine not feeling as though I was broken -- as though every bad decision, bad relationship, mistake, addiction, etc. is WHO I am ... I have functioned out of that place for so many years, that thinking of myself as NOT BROKEN is almost incomprehensible ... and certainly life changing.
The Lord has been doing an amazing work in me, and this new piece, about not being broken, has opened me to a new step in the process of wanting to live in community -- to be a part of process WITH others. And this is new. I am looking at inviting a friend to move in with me and truly share life together and no longer live a life that is about what is convenient for me, but one that is open to actually being vulnerable in relationship with others ... no more self-protection. And no need to protect because I AM NOT BROKEN!!! YAY!!! I am GOOD! And today I can move forward and trust that goodness in me ... trust that I am whole ... and break the agreements I have made over and over, that I was broken. Sweet freedom!
This morning I went to Discovery Church here in the Springs and guess what? The message was about community and the big question was, "who are you doing life with?" I laughed -- God has such a great sense of humor and impeccable timing. I believe I've found my place ... my church family ... and it feels good. His timing is amazing and He has given me an overwhelming peace that these steps that I am taking today are His best steps for me ... today. I am overwhelmed and completely humbled by this process of life.
Today I understand the reasons for this process over the past five years. It is ABOUT the process. It is about BECOMING ...
I have a watercolor that I started about three years ago that I thought was called "Surrender" ... but now I know that surrender is just part of the process and it is all about "Becoming" and now maybe I'll be able to finish the painting ... or maybe it will never be finished, since as in life, this relationship with my Creator, is ALL about the process and the "Becoming" never ends... there will be pain and there will be heartache, but there will always be Jesus and His unending, inescapable, all-powerful love. And that is what makes the becoming so worthwhile ... what draws me forward each minute of each day ... and I'm just tickled to finally see that I am NOT broken!
shattered places
tears and pain
pieces scattered round
love unending
salves my soul
healing embrace
life revealed
today
i am becoming
This past week I had my monthly appointment with Tara, my spiritual director, and went into it knowing I wanted to talk to her about where I am and what I want to do in the days ahead ... but I had NO idea that I would experience another revelatory breakthrough. It seems that every time I get together with her there is something new the Lord wants to show me ... a new piece to this puzzle of life.
It must be because of the spiritual tenderness of her office and the way she bathes our time in prayer -- so thank you, Tara, for being open to the Lord and His leading as you facilitate our time together -- it is truly a blessing!
So this week I thought we'd go one direction and in the middle of my rambling and questions and fears, Tara just looks at me and says, "You're not broken. I look at you and I can just see you thinking in your head, 'I am so [screwed]'. You are not broken. You are not broken." I was overwhelmed -- flooded with new emotion and probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but she was dead on! And I didn't even realize that I believed that about myself.
I have functioned for years, in all areas of my life as though I am broken. And I have made deep agreements with that mantra. To actually think of myself as NOT broken was ... ... ... WOW! I couldn't imagine not feeling as though I was broken -- as though every bad decision, bad relationship, mistake, addiction, etc. is WHO I am ... I have functioned out of that place for so many years, that thinking of myself as NOT BROKEN is almost incomprehensible ... and certainly life changing.
The Lord has been doing an amazing work in me, and this new piece, about not being broken, has opened me to a new step in the process of wanting to live in community -- to be a part of process WITH others. And this is new. I am looking at inviting a friend to move in with me and truly share life together and no longer live a life that is about what is convenient for me, but one that is open to actually being vulnerable in relationship with others ... no more self-protection. And no need to protect because I AM NOT BROKEN!!! YAY!!! I am GOOD! And today I can move forward and trust that goodness in me ... trust that I am whole ... and break the agreements I have made over and over, that I was broken. Sweet freedom!
This morning I went to Discovery Church here in the Springs and guess what? The message was about community and the big question was, "who are you doing life with?" I laughed -- God has such a great sense of humor and impeccable timing. I believe I've found my place ... my church family ... and it feels good. His timing is amazing and He has given me an overwhelming peace that these steps that I am taking today are His best steps for me ... today. I am overwhelmed and completely humbled by this process of life.
Today I understand the reasons for this process over the past five years. It is ABOUT the process. It is about BECOMING ...
I have a watercolor that I started about three years ago that I thought was called "Surrender" ... but now I know that surrender is just part of the process and it is all about "Becoming" and now maybe I'll be able to finish the painting ... or maybe it will never be finished, since as in life, this relationship with my Creator, is ALL about the process and the "Becoming" never ends... there will be pain and there will be heartache, but there will always be Jesus and His unending, inescapable, all-powerful love. And that is what makes the becoming so worthwhile ... what draws me forward each minute of each day ... and I'm just tickled to finally see that I am NOT broken!
shattered places
tears and pain
pieces scattered round
love unending
salves my soul
healing embrace
life revealed
today
i am becoming
Sunday, May 16, 2010
This is all part of the process...
It's been quite some time now, since I've taken the time to update what has been happening and how the process is going. Part of that is due to the incredible busy-ness of my schedule at work, as well as a wonderful 2-week trip to California and back with my parents ... what a blessing they are, and what a blessing my job is for me as well.
It's been a long time - much too long ... and I've lost ground - or at least it feels as though I've lost ground - in my "process". I've begun working with a spiritual director again, after many years without one, and I see the beginnings of centeredness entering my life once again. Its a good thing, I feel, this new part of the process, but also difficult. Last week I took the Enneagram test and came out as a nine, which is the "peacemaker". I laughed out loud because I really don't embody that in my day to day life ... at least not what you think of when you've grown up in Mennonite circles.
But the peacemaker in the enneagram, is really about being patient, steady, easygoing, receptive, relaxed, unselfconscious, agreeable, uncomplicated, contented, comforting, sensual and idealizing - so okay, yeah, that IS me... and I tend to get in trouble by being emotionally unavailable, complacent, inattentive, unaware of my own anger, ineffectual, passive-aggressive, unrealistic, resigned and stubborn. At my best as a nine, I am self-aware, dynamic, inclusive, steadfast, healing, proactive, contemplative, natural, imaginative, serene, exuberant, engaged and passionate.
Interestingly, some of the ways a nine gets in trouble were things I became aware of a long time ago and began to work to change ... such as being passive-aggressive, unrealistic or stubborn. However, there is a biggie there that I was completely unaware of, and that is my anger. I thought I was a pretty happy person and didn't have a lot of anger, but really, as a peacemaker, I had simply learned how to shove it out of my mind with other "things" ... inappropriate things ... things that put walls between me and God, and me and others - very emotionally unavailable, because I NEEDED to be at peace inside myself ... and so I learned to take that peace, no matter the cost. Yeah, not the best way to go, obviously!
So, last week, before I had read the whole profile, I had an appointment with Tara, and, because it had been bubbling up to the surface, I told her a bit timidly, that I was beginning to think I have a real anger problem. She smiled and pulled out a printed copy of my enneagram profile and showed me how nines tend to avoid their anger, don't feel they have the right to truly feel it, and keep it covered up with whatever they need to, to be safe from it.
Then she asked me what I'm so angry about, and a deep crevasse opened in my heart. I tried hard not to let her see how deep the rift was because it is SO deep ... and so personal, but there it was: anger with life; anger at God for allowing my life to be what it was - for all the disappointments; anger at a boy who deeply hurt my heart last year - huge, massive, kick-you-in-the-gut anger ... and Tara gave me the space to not have to admit the depths of it to her. Instead she encouraged me to go to the deepest places of it with myself - and with God. And honestly, I'm a bit afraid to go there, but I am also aware that that is just the side of me that doesn't like conflict and wants to avoid it ... my head knows that on the other side of that conflict is a deep peace, so I'm beginning the process... I'm going to go there, and I'll let you know what its like on the other side. I have great hope for tomorrow - I am a strong and godly woman who desires a depth of relationship with my creator that I have not yet seen - and I am confident that He will honor that desire, hold me through the process, comfort me in the conflict and heal the pain! It is a really, really GOOD thing!
It's been a long time - much too long ... and I've lost ground - or at least it feels as though I've lost ground - in my "process". I've begun working with a spiritual director again, after many years without one, and I see the beginnings of centeredness entering my life once again. Its a good thing, I feel, this new part of the process, but also difficult. Last week I took the Enneagram test and came out as a nine, which is the "peacemaker". I laughed out loud because I really don't embody that in my day to day life ... at least not what you think of when you've grown up in Mennonite circles.
But the peacemaker in the enneagram, is really about being patient, steady, easygoing, receptive, relaxed, unselfconscious, agreeable, uncomplicated, contented, comforting, sensual and idealizing - so okay, yeah, that IS me... and I tend to get in trouble by being emotionally unavailable, complacent, inattentive, unaware of my own anger, ineffectual, passive-aggressive, unrealistic, resigned and stubborn. At my best as a nine, I am self-aware, dynamic, inclusive, steadfast, healing, proactive, contemplative, natural, imaginative, serene, exuberant, engaged and passionate.
Interestingly, some of the ways a nine gets in trouble were things I became aware of a long time ago and began to work to change ... such as being passive-aggressive, unrealistic or stubborn. However, there is a biggie there that I was completely unaware of, and that is my anger. I thought I was a pretty happy person and didn't have a lot of anger, but really, as a peacemaker, I had simply learned how to shove it out of my mind with other "things" ... inappropriate things ... things that put walls between me and God, and me and others - very emotionally unavailable, because I NEEDED to be at peace inside myself ... and so I learned to take that peace, no matter the cost. Yeah, not the best way to go, obviously!
So, last week, before I had read the whole profile, I had an appointment with Tara, and, because it had been bubbling up to the surface, I told her a bit timidly, that I was beginning to think I have a real anger problem. She smiled and pulled out a printed copy of my enneagram profile and showed me how nines tend to avoid their anger, don't feel they have the right to truly feel it, and keep it covered up with whatever they need to, to be safe from it.
Then she asked me what I'm so angry about, and a deep crevasse opened in my heart. I tried hard not to let her see how deep the rift was because it is SO deep ... and so personal, but there it was: anger with life; anger at God for allowing my life to be what it was - for all the disappointments; anger at a boy who deeply hurt my heart last year - huge, massive, kick-you-in-the-gut anger ... and Tara gave me the space to not have to admit the depths of it to her. Instead she encouraged me to go to the deepest places of it with myself - and with God. And honestly, I'm a bit afraid to go there, but I am also aware that that is just the side of me that doesn't like conflict and wants to avoid it ... my head knows that on the other side of that conflict is a deep peace, so I'm beginning the process... I'm going to go there, and I'll let you know what its like on the other side. I have great hope for tomorrow - I am a strong and godly woman who desires a depth of relationship with my creator that I have not yet seen - and I am confident that He will honor that desire, hold me through the process, comfort me in the conflict and heal the pain! It is a really, really GOOD thing!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Just around the corner ...
God is up to something new ... I catch glimpses of it as I move throughout my day when I remember to listen for His voice - to look for Him. There is a sense of expectation that is new ... and a sense of urgency. I don't know what it is but I know it's coming - in the same way the I could feel Him literally chasing after my heart over the past 6 years.
What I do know is that HE is the one in control of my life, and my job is to keep letting go as He takes me through this process called "life." This is what He is saying to me (Jer. 29:10-14):
And this is what He is saying to you too. You WILL have your time in your own Babylon, but He WILL bring you home again. He does have GOOD plans for you, full of hope ... and you WILL have a future. He IS in control and we can choose to let Him be in control for us. Will you give up your "right" to defend yourself ... your "right" for vindication ... and let the Lord be that for you ... let HIM do that for you? It may not look like you expect it to, or want it to, but he LOVES you and will be your defender. He WILL bring you a hope and a future, but you have to seek Him ... and here is the best promise of all, in verse 14, "I will be found by you." My captivity will end and I will be restored ... YAY!
Its not easy - you have to go through the pain to experience the freedom, but I am confident that these glimpses I see of where He is taking me are His way of keeping hope alive ... for HIM and His plan for my life. There is something just around the corner and I can't WAIT to see what it is!
What I do know is that HE is the one in control of my life, and my job is to keep letting go as He takes me through this process called "life." This is what He is saying to me (Jer. 29:10-14):
10 This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” (NLT)
And this is what He is saying to you too. You WILL have your time in your own Babylon, but He WILL bring you home again. He does have GOOD plans for you, full of hope ... and you WILL have a future. He IS in control and we can choose to let Him be in control for us. Will you give up your "right" to defend yourself ... your "right" for vindication ... and let the Lord be that for you ... let HIM do that for you? It may not look like you expect it to, or want it to, but he LOVES you and will be your defender. He WILL bring you a hope and a future, but you have to seek Him ... and here is the best promise of all, in verse 14, "I will be found by you." My captivity will end and I will be restored ... YAY!
Its not easy - you have to go through the pain to experience the freedom, but I am confident that these glimpses I see of where He is taking me are His way of keeping hope alive ... for HIM and His plan for my life. There is something just around the corner and I can't WAIT to see what it is!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Deep healing
Wow ... so I thought what I shared in my "Motives" post was life-changing for me, but it was just another step. Life-changing, yes, but not the deep healing I've embraced just by turning a page in a book ... If you ever just pop in to visit me at home, you'll see a scattering of books on my couch - I'll clean them up if I know you're coming, so if you want to see the real me, just pop in! But be prepared for controlled chaos! :) I keep these books out because I'm either part of the way through one of them or its the next one I want to read or it just intrigued me enough to pull it off the bookshelf for a change. And if you've read enough of my posts, you'll know I love to learn and go deeper and authentic relationship is kind of my "thing". Its where I want to be...
This morning I decided to jump into the next section in Walking With God, called "Healing the Past". I honestly thought it would be a quick read because of all the processing and healing I've already done, but once again I was stopped dead in my tracks with one sentence. John Eldredge was talking about growing up in a non-Christian home and of his process of asking forgiveness for some his actions in high school, but then he took it deeper. He writes, "I wasn't repenting of my search for joy, but of the places I let it take me. I found myself then praying against despair as the deeper issue."
This threw me! It was like a light went on in a pitch black room ... it wasn't the DESIRE for joy that has been wrong in my life, it is my response to that desire for joy ... that aching ... it is WHERE I have let it take me! WHOA... seriously!!! And so you will have to understand a bit of my story to see why this is such a revelation to me...
As a little girl, I was five when my dad got a pastorate in small-town Ontario. That summer or fall, after we moved, we went back to visit friends for a day. It was a beautiful warm day and we had a lot of fun. They didn't have kids our age, but the couple was really great and just doted on us and made us feel special. But then darkness fell - literally, yes, but for me figuratively as well. I don't recall how it happened, but I ended up on the front porch in the dark with the couple's teenage son... it was one of those typical five-year-old school girl crushes on a teenage boy, and he took full advantage of the situation. For those of you who have been abused, you will understand the complex mix of feelings ... fear, confusion, disconnection and panic, but all mixed in with the fact that this person you "liked" is paying attention to YOU ... and so there is pleasure mixed in with all the other feelings. Its horrible and something that no child should ever have to go through. It changes you ... the bright world becomes dark; the happy times are never enough; the emotional disconnect, internally, is insurmountable. There is a deep aching that can never be filled outside of the love of Christ and His healing.
Now you can see the impact of these sentences from the book: "I wasn't repenting of my search for joy, but of the places I let it take me. I found myself then praying against despair as the deeper issue."
It was instantly obvious to me that my real issue is despair and the agreements I have made with it ... I recall CLEARLY being on the front porch and seeing my family inside with this couple we came to visit. They were all in the light, playing games around the table, laughing, having a good time ... and I was out on the porch, in the dark, being confronted with the most incomprehensible, confusing and painful experience of my short life ... and my heart changed. I embraced new convictions about who I was and what I deserved, and they were cemented in my heart: always on the outside; never included; never loved; never wanted for "me"; never protected and forever ignored. The pure love that my siblings understood and experienced was no longer an option for me and I embraced despair. I ACHED for that love, but understood that it wasn't available to me ... that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough ...
Don't get me wrong here, none of this was a conscious process ... what five-year-old could possibly understand and make a conscious decision about this? It is simply a part of what happens when abuse enters a life, and its different for everyone ... yet still the same. And so I made agreements that were deep and lasting, and this reading today opened me up to a new thought. It is not the DESIRE for joy that is wrong! THAT alone is life-changing for me. To desire joy, to WANT ... to ACHE ... is not wrong ... but where I have let my search for that take me is what is wrong and what I need to repent of, what I can be responsible for and change.
Its a pretty easy connection to make the transition from that one instance of abuse as a little girl, to a lifetime of turning to men for the answer. And as a little girl, when boys left me empty I would turn instead to sneaking food from the pantry or change from mum's purse or dad's dresser, running down to the local store to buy chips or soda that I would rush to eat before going home again. And when that didn't work to fill my aching, it was back to boys ... an endless, painful cycle of striving. And I can't blame my little girl self for going there, but I CAN change that today ... the Lord has slowly been bringing me to this place. He has laid the foundation for the freedom to come ...
And so today I renounce the agreement I made with despair. I renounce the agreement I made that a boy is the answer. I renounce the agreement I made that food is the answer to the aching. Jesus, I renounce it all, and I ask your forgiveness. I ask you to cleanse me. I ask you into those memories, one at a time, show me where you were. Show me how you held me in the midst of every painful situation ... and He DID ... this morning has been a truly beautiful time of healing and wholeness for me. Things that I have been working on forEVER are completed this morning. Its a new day - makes me think of a Francesca Batistelli song, Free To Be Me - "... got a couple dents in my fender, got a couple rips in my jeans ... but on your shoulders I can see, I'm free to be me..." (google it - great song!)
I feel lighter now ... something is gone. Its a super cool feeling - one I've been waiting for for a long time. And I am SO grateful for the Lord's protection. He has worked overtime for the past 15 years, bringing me to this point and keeping me from relationships that I would have chosen in an attempt to find that joy. I am absolutely humbled by His love ... by the way he has sought me and continues to draw me. It is tangible - something I'm sure I could just reach out and touch in any moment - even when I have turned away from Him - STILL He chased me down and here I sit today, in a new place of freedom. Yeah, I know there will be tough times ahead, life isn't easy, but I am ready for the challenge ... and I KNOW that He has a plan for me ... for my life!
So, why share something so deeply personal? Well, because I want YOU to know that there is HOPE. There is NOTHING more true than the Lord's love for us and His desire to have relationship with us ... He desires a deep, intimate and open love affair with each of us and He will meet you as you unwrap the pain ... open your heart and allow the breeze of His gentle caress to heal you... it is ALL about the process and letting Him love you... He's just waiting for us to become active participants in the story of our own healing. We have to be willing to go there ... to say, "Okay, what are you doing, Lord? What is this? What are you saying?" He's just waiting ...
This morning I decided to jump into the next section in Walking With God, called "Healing the Past". I honestly thought it would be a quick read because of all the processing and healing I've already done, but once again I was stopped dead in my tracks with one sentence. John Eldredge was talking about growing up in a non-Christian home and of his process of asking forgiveness for some his actions in high school, but then he took it deeper. He writes, "I wasn't repenting of my search for joy, but of the places I let it take me. I found myself then praying against despair as the deeper issue."
This threw me! It was like a light went on in a pitch black room ... it wasn't the DESIRE for joy that has been wrong in my life, it is my response to that desire for joy ... that aching ... it is WHERE I have let it take me! WHOA... seriously!!! And so you will have to understand a bit of my story to see why this is such a revelation to me...
As a little girl, I was five when my dad got a pastorate in small-town Ontario. That summer or fall, after we moved, we went back to visit friends for a day. It was a beautiful warm day and we had a lot of fun. They didn't have kids our age, but the couple was really great and just doted on us and made us feel special. But then darkness fell - literally, yes, but for me figuratively as well. I don't recall how it happened, but I ended up on the front porch in the dark with the couple's teenage son... it was one of those typical five-year-old school girl crushes on a teenage boy, and he took full advantage of the situation. For those of you who have been abused, you will understand the complex mix of feelings ... fear, confusion, disconnection and panic, but all mixed in with the fact that this person you "liked" is paying attention to YOU ... and so there is pleasure mixed in with all the other feelings. Its horrible and something that no child should ever have to go through. It changes you ... the bright world becomes dark; the happy times are never enough; the emotional disconnect, internally, is insurmountable. There is a deep aching that can never be filled outside of the love of Christ and His healing.
Now you can see the impact of these sentences from the book: "I wasn't repenting of my search for joy, but of the places I let it take me. I found myself then praying against despair as the deeper issue."
It was instantly obvious to me that my real issue is despair and the agreements I have made with it ... I recall CLEARLY being on the front porch and seeing my family inside with this couple we came to visit. They were all in the light, playing games around the table, laughing, having a good time ... and I was out on the porch, in the dark, being confronted with the most incomprehensible, confusing and painful experience of my short life ... and my heart changed. I embraced new convictions about who I was and what I deserved, and they were cemented in my heart: always on the outside; never included; never loved; never wanted for "me"; never protected and forever ignored. The pure love that my siblings understood and experienced was no longer an option for me and I embraced despair. I ACHED for that love, but understood that it wasn't available to me ... that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough ...
Don't get me wrong here, none of this was a conscious process ... what five-year-old could possibly understand and make a conscious decision about this? It is simply a part of what happens when abuse enters a life, and its different for everyone ... yet still the same. And so I made agreements that were deep and lasting, and this reading today opened me up to a new thought. It is not the DESIRE for joy that is wrong! THAT alone is life-changing for me. To desire joy, to WANT ... to ACHE ... is not wrong ... but where I have let my search for that take me is what is wrong and what I need to repent of, what I can be responsible for and change.
Its a pretty easy connection to make the transition from that one instance of abuse as a little girl, to a lifetime of turning to men for the answer. And as a little girl, when boys left me empty I would turn instead to sneaking food from the pantry or change from mum's purse or dad's dresser, running down to the local store to buy chips or soda that I would rush to eat before going home again. And when that didn't work to fill my aching, it was back to boys ... an endless, painful cycle of striving. And I can't blame my little girl self for going there, but I CAN change that today ... the Lord has slowly been bringing me to this place. He has laid the foundation for the freedom to come ...
And so today I renounce the agreement I made with despair. I renounce the agreement I made that a boy is the answer. I renounce the agreement I made that food is the answer to the aching. Jesus, I renounce it all, and I ask your forgiveness. I ask you to cleanse me. I ask you into those memories, one at a time, show me where you were. Show me how you held me in the midst of every painful situation ... and He DID ... this morning has been a truly beautiful time of healing and wholeness for me. Things that I have been working on forEVER are completed this morning. Its a new day - makes me think of a Francesca Batistelli song, Free To Be Me - "... got a couple dents in my fender, got a couple rips in my jeans ... but on your shoulders I can see, I'm free to be me..." (google it - great song!)
I feel lighter now ... something is gone. Its a super cool feeling - one I've been waiting for for a long time. And I am SO grateful for the Lord's protection. He has worked overtime for the past 15 years, bringing me to this point and keeping me from relationships that I would have chosen in an attempt to find that joy. I am absolutely humbled by His love ... by the way he has sought me and continues to draw me. It is tangible - something I'm sure I could just reach out and touch in any moment - even when I have turned away from Him - STILL He chased me down and here I sit today, in a new place of freedom. Yeah, I know there will be tough times ahead, life isn't easy, but I am ready for the challenge ... and I KNOW that He has a plan for me ... for my life!
So, why share something so deeply personal? Well, because I want YOU to know that there is HOPE. There is NOTHING more true than the Lord's love for us and His desire to have relationship with us ... He desires a deep, intimate and open love affair with each of us and He will meet you as you unwrap the pain ... open your heart and allow the breeze of His gentle caress to heal you... it is ALL about the process and letting Him love you... He's just waiting for us to become active participants in the story of our own healing. We have to be willing to go there ... to say, "Okay, what are you doing, Lord? What is this? What are you saying?" He's just waiting ...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Motives ...
I was reading a bit after work today about Motives, in Walking with God (a great book, btw). Its been a little while since I picked that book up, and Motives was the next section to read, so I read it and thought - hmmm, thats good - but then began to move on to the next section and just brush this one off in a "yeah, I've got that" kind of way.
But something stopped me. Just a nudge to take it deeper, so I went back and read it a second time. And I was struck by the idea of being honest about what it is that compels me. He talks about our personality and the excuses we give for why we are the way we are, but that we need to face the reality that we choose our personality to some extent based on our motivations. For example, I won't confront someone in person because I'm afraid of the repercussions; or conversely, I always confront because of my need to control the situation. Basically what it comes down to is lack of trust. And yup, that's a big deal for me. Trust is HUGE.
So, I decided to take a little time and write about my motives, and one pretty major theme jumped out at me. Something I've always been good at is my ability/desire to be transparent in all that I do - its just natural for me to be straight up. On the one hand this can be a good thing and you don't have to guess what I'm thinking, but there is also the dark side of it...the motive behind why I insist on honesty and laying my heart out there for the world to see...and that is control. I realized as I wrote about it and delved into the "why" behind my transparency, that I use that need to be straight up as a way to control situations. If I let you know where I'm at, then I won't have to live in the gray areas of life. I never have to deal with the unknown. There are no surprises. You will always have all the information you need to relate to me. I've paved the way! (hmmm, where is the mystery...the trust...in that?)
I'm not good with the gray areas of life. I used to be the same way in my work life, but have had a couple of bosses who lived so much in the gray areas that I've had no choice but to change - so I've really loosened up there, but still go for black and white in my personal life. Its a need to be real - to let "you" know exactly where I'm at regarding our "relationship" (whatever that may be)...and its NOT healthy because it IS about control. If I tell you how I'm feeling even though you haven't asked to know, then I won't be surprised by "you." WOW!
Had a good friend recently challenge me to live in the gray areas and allow friendships to develop/flourish naturally without having to figure out the ending today. While some of you may not understand that, some of you will...and its all about releasing my control and letting the Lord take over. It's about learning to trust the Lord to supply ALL my needs and not just the ones I'm willing to let him into...the ones that don't matter quite so much or aren't so close to my wound.
My deepest desire and daily longing is to be living right in the middle of the Lord's will for my life. And so I've begun to actually allow myself to live in the gray areas of life, but its stressful because that is ME giving up the control over the outcome and purposely opening my life and heart up to surprises, knowing that they are not all happy surprises. It's hard. It's a long process and it's not my natural bent ... interesting though, that the bent that I call "natural" is really all aobut self-preservation. Its NOT how God created me! It is the mechanism by which I have been able to control my own destiny and keep people at arm's length...it has been my way of escape from deeply connecting in relationship with others.
And so I embark on a new path in the journey...and I feel myself wanting to tell certain people exactly where I'm at and what I've discovered so they will understand who I have been and who I am becoming. ONCE AGAIN wanting to control and influence relationships and potential relationships. Whoa! But SO cool that I am recognizing that and NOT going that direction (makes me think of an email in my drafts that I just need to go and delete - yay! FREEDOM!!!).
I'm ready to let it go. Gray areas will continue to be tough for me and I'll have to fight against them, but I DESIRE to go there, just for the sake of learning to live without control...learning to live in a trusting relationship with my Father and just waiting to see the great surprises HE has in store for me that I had NOTHING to do with. Thank you, Bob, for the challenge to go colorless! Here I come gray world!
But something stopped me. Just a nudge to take it deeper, so I went back and read it a second time. And I was struck by the idea of being honest about what it is that compels me. He talks about our personality and the excuses we give for why we are the way we are, but that we need to face the reality that we choose our personality to some extent based on our motivations. For example, I won't confront someone in person because I'm afraid of the repercussions; or conversely, I always confront because of my need to control the situation. Basically what it comes down to is lack of trust. And yup, that's a big deal for me. Trust is HUGE.
So, I decided to take a little time and write about my motives, and one pretty major theme jumped out at me. Something I've always been good at is my ability/desire to be transparent in all that I do - its just natural for me to be straight up. On the one hand this can be a good thing and you don't have to guess what I'm thinking, but there is also the dark side of it...the motive behind why I insist on honesty and laying my heart out there for the world to see...and that is control. I realized as I wrote about it and delved into the "why" behind my transparency, that I use that need to be straight up as a way to control situations. If I let you know where I'm at, then I won't have to live in the gray areas of life. I never have to deal with the unknown. There are no surprises. You will always have all the information you need to relate to me. I've paved the way! (hmmm, where is the mystery...the trust...in that?)
I'm not good with the gray areas of life. I used to be the same way in my work life, but have had a couple of bosses who lived so much in the gray areas that I've had no choice but to change - so I've really loosened up there, but still go for black and white in my personal life. Its a need to be real - to let "you" know exactly where I'm at regarding our "relationship" (whatever that may be)...and its NOT healthy because it IS about control. If I tell you how I'm feeling even though you haven't asked to know, then I won't be surprised by "you." WOW!
Had a good friend recently challenge me to live in the gray areas and allow friendships to develop/flourish naturally without having to figure out the ending today. While some of you may not understand that, some of you will...and its all about releasing my control and letting the Lord take over. It's about learning to trust the Lord to supply ALL my needs and not just the ones I'm willing to let him into...the ones that don't matter quite so much or aren't so close to my wound.
My deepest desire and daily longing is to be living right in the middle of the Lord's will for my life. And so I've begun to actually allow myself to live in the gray areas of life, but its stressful because that is ME giving up the control over the outcome and purposely opening my life and heart up to surprises, knowing that they are not all happy surprises. It's hard. It's a long process and it's not my natural bent ... interesting though, that the bent that I call "natural" is really all aobut self-preservation. Its NOT how God created me! It is the mechanism by which I have been able to control my own destiny and keep people at arm's length...it has been my way of escape from deeply connecting in relationship with others.
And so I embark on a new path in the journey...and I feel myself wanting to tell certain people exactly where I'm at and what I've discovered so they will understand who I have been and who I am becoming. ONCE AGAIN wanting to control and influence relationships and potential relationships. Whoa! But SO cool that I am recognizing that and NOT going that direction (makes me think of an email in my drafts that I just need to go and delete - yay! FREEDOM!!!).
I'm ready to let it go. Gray areas will continue to be tough for me and I'll have to fight against them, but I DESIRE to go there, just for the sake of learning to live without control...learning to live in a trusting relationship with my Father and just waiting to see the great surprises HE has in store for me that I had NOTHING to do with. Thank you, Bob, for the challenge to go colorless! Here I come gray world!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Restless for more
Lately God has been doing something new in me ... in my heart. There has been a "shift" - and it's a GOOD thing! Over the past few years I've spent a lot of time just trying to become the woman I know God created me to be, and failing miserably in every attempt. I would see some success but inevitably, because I was doing most of the work in my own power and not resting in the Lord, I would fail.
And its not that trying and desiring is wrong, but doing that without having learned to walk with God in the process, is a futile attempt to create life for myself ... I was grasping. But there has been a shift. My restlessness has been tamed by the gentle and overwhelmingly passionate love of Christ for ME. What an absolute trip! The shifting was subtle but one day a few weeks ago, I realized that something had changed. Something BIG! And now the restlessness is new.
I am no longer restless for the completion of the work the Lord is doing. I am now confident it has already been done and I am standing in that promise ... I will not be shaken. And I am completely aware that I am in a battle - that there is a battle for my healing but the Lord will prevail as I am a willing participant WITH Him in the process... eyes to the front and heart for the Lord!
Now I am restless FOR the Lord ... for more of HIM ... and THAT is what's new! Not that I haven't wanted this before, but without that "shift" in my soul, there was a block to my desire. Its something that all of us have to face at some point if we really want to be free ... really desire to walk forward without hanging on to the past - truly giving up our own attempts to grasp life for ourselves.
I am also aware that this shift inside of me is new and tender, and that there will be a battle just for that. I can choose to walk away from it - to turn back to my own grasping ... we all have to face that choice ... every single day. And we have to have the strength to face that choice. And I am acutely aware that the amount of time that I spend in the presence of the Lord is directly proportionate to the amount of strength I will have for the battle! It is a sacrifice ... daily ... moment by moment. On my own, I will fail, but in His presence I will always win. It won't be easy and I'll still have to deal with the pain of lost hope, desires unmet and realities of life, but I have a promise ... Because of His great love for me, he died and rose again that I would NOT be lost. His love is overwhelming and I am awed at His little touches in my life ... and blown away by the big ones.
I am restless for more ... more of the Lord. May I always be reminded of His love for me in the way that I am this morning. And may I always be open to his voice in the midst of the chaos of life. It isn't easy, but there has been a shift ... and I want MORE!
And its not that trying and desiring is wrong, but doing that without having learned to walk with God in the process, is a futile attempt to create life for myself ... I was grasping. But there has been a shift. My restlessness has been tamed by the gentle and overwhelmingly passionate love of Christ for ME. What an absolute trip! The shifting was subtle but one day a few weeks ago, I realized that something had changed. Something BIG! And now the restlessness is new.
I am no longer restless for the completion of the work the Lord is doing. I am now confident it has already been done and I am standing in that promise ... I will not be shaken. And I am completely aware that I am in a battle - that there is a battle for my healing but the Lord will prevail as I am a willing participant WITH Him in the process... eyes to the front and heart for the Lord!
Now I am restless FOR the Lord ... for more of HIM ... and THAT is what's new! Not that I haven't wanted this before, but without that "shift" in my soul, there was a block to my desire. Its something that all of us have to face at some point if we really want to be free ... really desire to walk forward without hanging on to the past - truly giving up our own attempts to grasp life for ourselves.
I am also aware that this shift inside of me is new and tender, and that there will be a battle just for that. I can choose to walk away from it - to turn back to my own grasping ... we all have to face that choice ... every single day. And we have to have the strength to face that choice. And I am acutely aware that the amount of time that I spend in the presence of the Lord is directly proportionate to the amount of strength I will have for the battle! It is a sacrifice ... daily ... moment by moment. On my own, I will fail, but in His presence I will always win. It won't be easy and I'll still have to deal with the pain of lost hope, desires unmet and realities of life, but I have a promise ... Because of His great love for me, he died and rose again that I would NOT be lost. His love is overwhelming and I am awed at His little touches in my life ... and blown away by the big ones.
I am restless for more ... more of the Lord. May I always be reminded of His love for me in the way that I am this morning. And may I always be open to his voice in the midst of the chaos of life. It isn't easy, but there has been a shift ... and I want MORE!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Timing
God is so cool ... he just does it right every time. Today I came crashing right up against misunderstanding. Someone didn't read an email thoroughly and my follow up attempts at explanation didn't alleviate the misunderstanding but only seemed to make it worse. And I handled it well I think. I took the time to discuss an appropriate response and how to phrase it - I read it over numerous times before responding - and I also attempted to correct the misunderstanding. The response I received was to the tune of "you don't respect my request and you're out of line." and they basically called me out in front of other people.
I'm not sure why I should be, but I was honestly surprised! Surprised initially by the misinterpretation, but also by my inability to make it right again ... to bring peace to the relationship. I'm kind of all about peace in relationship and don't like that feeling of unfinished business. I desire to be real and honest in all things ... but I was shut down. And yes, I've begun to understand that I simply cannot live in this world and have peace in every relationship ... it is the way of a fallen world, but I don't like it and so I resist it.
So, I took some more time to reflect and then determined to just let it go and attempt to forget about it. Then I picked up Waking the Dead again, and started reading in chapter six, the beginning of the section on the four streams (life-transforming stuff for sure!) ... and right there in the first paragraphs is a story about betrayal. Yes, different than misunderstanding but with the same key message: Resentment is just waiting for an opportunity to come in and take up residence at the first opportunity! Whoa... and yes, I can feel that. I know it to be true right now...
I sit with that for a while but keep going back to the thought that its not MY misunderstanding - its not MY issue ... or is it? Should I have handled it differently? I don't think I did anything wrong ... or did I? No, I feel a peace about this - I'm certain I handled it well - I feel that. And as I read further in the same paragraph and they talk about self-reproach in spite of being so sure you did nothing wrong ... and then move on to forgiveness. I just need to forgive them. I do ... I know it. And yet I am so annoyed at their response and, just as it happens in the book, I want to go to PRIDE. I do. I am right ... I was wronged and that is NOT just! I deserve justification but I will deign to forgive them...me on my high horse! **sigh**
And as I realize that I am wanting to go to pride ... am already stepping across the threshold of it, I am silenced by the words in this book. HIS TIMING is impeccable. I'm already heading there and He leads me back to a book I've read numerous times, to admonish me! How easily I have forgotten all that He has done and just walk back into the sickness of living on my own - independent, self-righteous, seeking my own justice ... I am undone ... overwhelmed and full of the knowledge that I will never be enough, but that HE will be enough in me. I'm just another lost child who needs a dad to show her the truth.
I am redeemed, transformed and renewed. I will NOT choose my own justice but instead I will choose forgiveness, not out of arrogance and a sense of being "right", but out of the knowledge of my own brokenness. I choose LOVE ... I have to choose love ... I don't want half a sandwich - I want the WHOLE thing! And I am acutely aware of my human-ness once again, but that is where I need to be to feel His transforming power. I cannot change unless I realize I need to be changed. I need it, but spend so much more time living in the struggle ... but thats reality. It's easier to understand it than it is to live it! **sigh**
I'm not sure why I should be, but I was honestly surprised! Surprised initially by the misinterpretation, but also by my inability to make it right again ... to bring peace to the relationship. I'm kind of all about peace in relationship and don't like that feeling of unfinished business. I desire to be real and honest in all things ... but I was shut down. And yes, I've begun to understand that I simply cannot live in this world and have peace in every relationship ... it is the way of a fallen world, but I don't like it and so I resist it.
So, I took some more time to reflect and then determined to just let it go and attempt to forget about it. Then I picked up Waking the Dead again, and started reading in chapter six, the beginning of the section on the four streams (life-transforming stuff for sure!) ... and right there in the first paragraphs is a story about betrayal. Yes, different than misunderstanding but with the same key message: Resentment is just waiting for an opportunity to come in and take up residence at the first opportunity! Whoa... and yes, I can feel that. I know it to be true right now...
I sit with that for a while but keep going back to the thought that its not MY misunderstanding - its not MY issue ... or is it? Should I have handled it differently? I don't think I did anything wrong ... or did I? No, I feel a peace about this - I'm certain I handled it well - I feel that. And as I read further in the same paragraph and they talk about self-reproach in spite of being so sure you did nothing wrong ... and then move on to forgiveness. I just need to forgive them. I do ... I know it. And yet I am so annoyed at their response and, just as it happens in the book, I want to go to PRIDE. I do. I am right ... I was wronged and that is NOT just! I deserve justification but I will deign to forgive them...me on my high horse! **sigh**
And as I realize that I am wanting to go to pride ... am already stepping across the threshold of it, I am silenced by the words in this book. HIS TIMING is impeccable. I'm already heading there and He leads me back to a book I've read numerous times, to admonish me! How easily I have forgotten all that He has done and just walk back into the sickness of living on my own - independent, self-righteous, seeking my own justice ... I am undone ... overwhelmed and full of the knowledge that I will never be enough, but that HE will be enough in me. I'm just another lost child who needs a dad to show her the truth.
I am redeemed, transformed and renewed. I will NOT choose my own justice but instead I will choose forgiveness, not out of arrogance and a sense of being "right", but out of the knowledge of my own brokenness. I choose LOVE ... I have to choose love ... I don't want half a sandwich - I want the WHOLE thing! And I am acutely aware of my human-ness once again, but that is where I need to be to feel His transforming power. I cannot change unless I realize I need to be changed. I need it, but spend so much more time living in the struggle ... but thats reality. It's easier to understand it than it is to live it! **sigh**
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Hitting reality and leaning into the Lord ...
Most of us spend a lot of time avoiding our realities. Don't get me wrong, we are successful, committed and living life, but we don't face the deep stuff ... the reality of that which has caused us to push through the tough stuff. And not facing it just leads us to an alone-ness that was never the intention of our Lord who created us in the first place.
I'm tired of going it alone. I'm tired of holding up walls to protect myself so "you" won't hurt me, tired of hiding the real me so "you" won't walk away, tired of pretending everything is okay when there are so many moments of pain... we are CREATED for relationship but TRAINED for separation by the hard things of life ... by the battle that we are engaged in and the attacks of the enemy to deaden our hearts to a life that is truly worthy to be lived. So, I'm tired. I NEED relationship and I desire relationship ... to know others and to be truly known for ME ... flaws and everything, insecurities and failures. We all deal with fear of rejection and fear of not being enough ... or being too much ... and fear keeps us from letting go and stretching out our hands and hearts to connect with others because we KNOW that pain is the prize we will find at the end of the journey. We are sure of it! It has been proven, over and over.
I just watched Love Happens and was impressed with the way the main female character was willing to put aside her own pain and fear, in order to truly touch someone else's heart ... to transcend the fear and reach out and enter the deep pain ... to be a part of their process of healing. I am that person too. Many of us are - that compassion and discernment is a part of who God created us to be... but then there is the fear and we back away. The intimacy is too much so we shut down. I am willing to be that person - or at least I have been, but then I get burned by someone's words ... I fear their perception of me as desperate or needy (either in friendship or more than) and no matter how wrong they are, I walk away. It is hurtful to be seen as desperate, to be seen as something that I am not ... but instead of pushing back against the lie I choose to walk away rather than go deeper. I choose the easy path and it draws me into isolation ... and nothing good happens in that place.
But then ... GOD happens AGAIN! He comes in and begins to heal my heart. He opens me up like a truly precious gift and explores me with the tenderness, discernment and compassion that HE created. He HAS opened me and HE is healing me. The process is long and so hard at times that we have to retreat from the pain ... but we have to come out again. We have to! Living in that pain will only deaden your heart and none of us can stand that place. There is no life there and we NEED LIFE! We need JOY and healing and the all-consuming LOVE that our Lord gives to us in that place of safe retreat. I choose the safe retreat of my Father's arms and allow Him to heal me and set me loose again, to be there as a companion for those who are on their own journey to healing. We need each other ...
I am coming out of a hard place right now, and I KNOW that His healing is right there and I embrace it! I reach for the freedom and I rest in His love. And I am confident that He will work His good will in my life as I surrender to Him ... as I allow Him into those dark and painful places, and as I allow friends and those who love me to touch my heart. I am blessed to have the relationships and friendships in my life that I do ... thank you for accepting me today, exactly as I am ... I feel the same way about you, and I love you too!
I'm tired of going it alone. I'm tired of holding up walls to protect myself so "you" won't hurt me, tired of hiding the real me so "you" won't walk away, tired of pretending everything is okay when there are so many moments of pain... we are CREATED for relationship but TRAINED for separation by the hard things of life ... by the battle that we are engaged in and the attacks of the enemy to deaden our hearts to a life that is truly worthy to be lived. So, I'm tired. I NEED relationship and I desire relationship ... to know others and to be truly known for ME ... flaws and everything, insecurities and failures. We all deal with fear of rejection and fear of not being enough ... or being too much ... and fear keeps us from letting go and stretching out our hands and hearts to connect with others because we KNOW that pain is the prize we will find at the end of the journey. We are sure of it! It has been proven, over and over.
I just watched Love Happens and was impressed with the way the main female character was willing to put aside her own pain and fear, in order to truly touch someone else's heart ... to transcend the fear and reach out and enter the deep pain ... to be a part of their process of healing. I am that person too. Many of us are - that compassion and discernment is a part of who God created us to be... but then there is the fear and we back away. The intimacy is too much so we shut down. I am willing to be that person - or at least I have been, but then I get burned by someone's words ... I fear their perception of me as desperate or needy (either in friendship or more than) and no matter how wrong they are, I walk away. It is hurtful to be seen as desperate, to be seen as something that I am not ... but instead of pushing back against the lie I choose to walk away rather than go deeper. I choose the easy path and it draws me into isolation ... and nothing good happens in that place.
But then ... GOD happens AGAIN! He comes in and begins to heal my heart. He opens me up like a truly precious gift and explores me with the tenderness, discernment and compassion that HE created. He HAS opened me and HE is healing me. The process is long and so hard at times that we have to retreat from the pain ... but we have to come out again. We have to! Living in that pain will only deaden your heart and none of us can stand that place. There is no life there and we NEED LIFE! We need JOY and healing and the all-consuming LOVE that our Lord gives to us in that place of safe retreat. I choose the safe retreat of my Father's arms and allow Him to heal me and set me loose again, to be there as a companion for those who are on their own journey to healing. We need each other ...
I am coming out of a hard place right now, and I KNOW that His healing is right there and I embrace it! I reach for the freedom and I rest in His love. And I am confident that He will work His good will in my life as I surrender to Him ... as I allow Him into those dark and painful places, and as I allow friends and those who love me to touch my heart. I am blessed to have the relationships and friendships in my life that I do ... thank you for accepting me today, exactly as I am ... I feel the same way about you, and I love you too!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Deep breathing
How often do you take the time to sit still and just take a deep breath? Put on some Kenny G, dim the lights, light the candles and just breathe ... just let Him love you. Open your heart to His touch ... His words ... His presence.
I really need that today.
Life is work and when I don't take that time I get overwhelmed. Boxed in by my thoughts, other's expectations, my own expectations ... and I take back the control.
I've discovered today (when I took the time to "breathe") that I struggle with letting go of the control over my own life ... my own destiny. And isn't that just amazing because its not real control - its just a false sense of control that only brings pain down the road. Yes, I know this, and yet I strive to hold onto the control when truly, only in letting go will I EVER have the life I dream of ... that my Father dreams for me.
It's a process though, eh? A long one too, but one that I so deeply want to be a part of for I KNOW that it is only in the process that I will experience a true and deep love, and the JOY that my Father wants for me ... that he has already given to me. A joy that transcends circumstance and allows me to enter His presence and lie in His arms and just breathe ... just breathe ... ahhhhhhhhhhhh
I really need that today.
Life is work and when I don't take that time I get overwhelmed. Boxed in by my thoughts, other's expectations, my own expectations ... and I take back the control.
I've discovered today (when I took the time to "breathe") that I struggle with letting go of the control over my own life ... my own destiny. And isn't that just amazing because its not real control - its just a false sense of control that only brings pain down the road. Yes, I know this, and yet I strive to hold onto the control when truly, only in letting go will I EVER have the life I dream of ... that my Father dreams for me.
It's a process though, eh? A long one too, but one that I so deeply want to be a part of for I KNOW that it is only in the process that I will experience a true and deep love, and the JOY that my Father wants for me ... that he has already given to me. A joy that transcends circumstance and allows me to enter His presence and lie in His arms and just breathe ... just breathe ... ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Holding on ... and letting go ...
Why is it so hard to let go of that which we have held onto for so long? Whether it be a dream or a "way of living" or a friendship or the hope for something more, this is one of the most difficult things to do ... letting go. We question everything ... where is God, what is the right thing to do, what will happen if I don't "arrange" for this life myself? So many questions, but they all boil down to one issue - TRUST!
One of those "new" things God has done for me is complete a work of trust in my life. I am suddenly able to trust Him as never before. I actually trust that He does have, not only my best interests in His heart, but the ability to transcend all and miraculously heal, complete, lift me out of whatever situation I am in. He DESIRES to do this for me and I have only to step out of the way to allow Him full reign in my life. THIS is how I am now able to let go...
... and this trust could not happen without an understanding of who He is, what my place is in Him and what He created me for. Before, I did not understand the depth, breadth, and capacity of His love for me. I doubted ... deeply ... that He cared at all for the details of my life. The uncertainty I lived in with my dreams, hopes and desires, allowed that deep doubt to creep in and then, motivated by fear, I reacted and tried to arrange for the life I so deeply desired ... I held onto so many things that I thought would bring "life", and in holding on, I turned away from trusting the only One who could ever bring fulfillment and freedom.
Now I am walking back from that edge and embracing the freedom of letting it all go. I no longer need to do anything to arrange for that life I thought I wanted, because He will go before me and give me the life that He has arranged for me.
By no means is this an easy process, this letting go, but it is something that He will guide me through and the freedom will come ... I am LOVING the process!
One of those "new" things God has done for me is complete a work of trust in my life. I am suddenly able to trust Him as never before. I actually trust that He does have, not only my best interests in His heart, but the ability to transcend all and miraculously heal, complete, lift me out of whatever situation I am in. He DESIRES to do this for me and I have only to step out of the way to allow Him full reign in my life. THIS is how I am now able to let go...
... and this trust could not happen without an understanding of who He is, what my place is in Him and what He created me for. Before, I did not understand the depth, breadth, and capacity of His love for me. I doubted ... deeply ... that He cared at all for the details of my life. The uncertainty I lived in with my dreams, hopes and desires, allowed that deep doubt to creep in and then, motivated by fear, I reacted and tried to arrange for the life I so deeply desired ... I held onto so many things that I thought would bring "life", and in holding on, I turned away from trusting the only One who could ever bring fulfillment and freedom.
Now I am walking back from that edge and embracing the freedom of letting it all go. I no longer need to do anything to arrange for that life I thought I wanted, because He will go before me and give me the life that He has arranged for me.
By no means is this an easy process, this letting go, but it is something that He will guide me through and the freedom will come ... I am LOVING the process!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I've got you ...
Three simple words but SO life changing for me. I've been on a new piece of the journey recently, and the other night during a worship time at a local church, I was catapulted from the midst of the struggles and issues, right into the arms of God and overwhelmed by His three simple words to me ... "I've got you." And I trust and understand Him and His love for me in a totally new way.
I just love it when stuff like that happens and the crossroads is now behind me and I'm moving forward in a new direction with renewed hope for the days ahead.
Last week I was listening to a CD from Ransomed Heart Ministries about finding your calling, and I heard something new ... or at least new for me. I now understand that my calling is different from my role and my assignment. My calling is that thing that makes me come alive and gives me LIFE and desire to do more. For me, that calling employs the gift of administration and I just light up when I can help others bring their vision to life. THAT jazzes me completely.
Interestingly though, for years I have been waiting for my healing to be complete so God can finally move me into my calling, and here I've been living it all along, in all my various roles and assignments. My calling transcends my role which currently is Sister, Aunt, Leader, Friend ... and is completely fulfilled in my current assignment as Administrative and Meetings Manager. I am free from the belief that I held for many years that my calling would not be fulfilled until I was in that place of freedom that God has been moving me toward. Growing up in a pastor's home, I saw my mom's role/assignment as a pastor's wife and adopted that as the ideal "calling" for my life ... and although I am very content in my singleness, have held this deep fear that I may never walk in my calling, so you can imagine how overwhelmed I am to realize I AM LIVING in my calling and SO fulfilled in that calling with my current assignment.
What a different way to think about who I am and what God is calling me into! I am free ... completely ... and can't wait to see what's next, but content with today in a whole new way! AND ... He's got me!
I just love it when stuff like that happens and the crossroads is now behind me and I'm moving forward in a new direction with renewed hope for the days ahead.
Last week I was listening to a CD from Ransomed Heart Ministries about finding your calling, and I heard something new ... or at least new for me. I now understand that my calling is different from my role and my assignment. My calling is that thing that makes me come alive and gives me LIFE and desire to do more. For me, that calling employs the gift of administration and I just light up when I can help others bring their vision to life. THAT jazzes me completely.
Interestingly though, for years I have been waiting for my healing to be complete so God can finally move me into my calling, and here I've been living it all along, in all my various roles and assignments. My calling transcends my role which currently is Sister, Aunt, Leader, Friend ... and is completely fulfilled in my current assignment as Administrative and Meetings Manager. I am free from the belief that I held for many years that my calling would not be fulfilled until I was in that place of freedom that God has been moving me toward. Growing up in a pastor's home, I saw my mom's role/assignment as a pastor's wife and adopted that as the ideal "calling" for my life ... and although I am very content in my singleness, have held this deep fear that I may never walk in my calling, so you can imagine how overwhelmed I am to realize I AM LIVING in my calling and SO fulfilled in that calling with my current assignment.
What a different way to think about who I am and what God is calling me into! I am free ... completely ... and can't wait to see what's next, but content with today in a whole new way! AND ... He's got me!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Impact
Okay, so here is something that’s been bothering me lately … the portrayal of “impact” and who does or doesn’t qualify to make an impact. Why is it that we are consumed by this desire to make an impact? I’ll confess, I’m guilty of it too, but have a hard time talking about it because something feels not quite right … like I’m wanting more than I should … and then it hit me just a moment ago while reading “Words to Grow On” in the bi-weekly newsletter from my work: It’s because we ALL already make an impact that it bothers me so much when we talk about how badly we want to have an impact and make a difference in the world … why do I strive? Why do you?
There is nothing wrong, or “less than”, or not enough about the person who fixes my car or waits on me at CPK or orders the office supplies. And there is nothing wrong or “less” or not enough about me in the role that I play now or those that I played in the past. We are all in this same “space” and we were created by the same God and are fulfilling our role TODAY as we surrender ourselves to this process.
We all desire to make a difference … and the really cool thing is that we all do – right where we are … in this moment. I impact my assistant when I treat her with respect and honesty; I impact my family when I call them or email them; I impact my neighbor when I smile at them or say hello … and I never know how big or small that impact is. I am also aware that I can have a negative impact if I’m not careful with my words or my actions.
What I do know, is that this LIFE thing is about the process. It is about being present to the moment I am in right now, facing my realities and shortcomings and living in my strengths as the Lord brings me to new ventures, jobs, relationships, etc. I am a work in progress and I embrace that and welcome the impact I have in my small (very small) circle of influence today. And I am a better person for being in your circle of influence. Thank you for the impact you are having on my life … even in this moment!
There is nothing wrong, or “less than”, or not enough about the person who fixes my car or waits on me at CPK or orders the office supplies. And there is nothing wrong or “less” or not enough about me in the role that I play now or those that I played in the past. We are all in this same “space” and we were created by the same God and are fulfilling our role TODAY as we surrender ourselves to this process.
We all desire to make a difference … and the really cool thing is that we all do – right where we are … in this moment. I impact my assistant when I treat her with respect and honesty; I impact my family when I call them or email them; I impact my neighbor when I smile at them or say hello … and I never know how big or small that impact is. I am also aware that I can have a negative impact if I’m not careful with my words or my actions.
What I do know, is that this LIFE thing is about the process. It is about being present to the moment I am in right now, facing my realities and shortcomings and living in my strengths as the Lord brings me to new ventures, jobs, relationships, etc. I am a work in progress and I embrace that and welcome the impact I have in my small (very small) circle of influence today. And I am a better person for being in your circle of influence. Thank you for the impact you are having on my life … even in this moment!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Grounded
Do you ever wonder why? Why do people interpret things in the way they do? Why do they believe certain things about themselves or others (or you) that in your opinion seems pretty far off base? Are they the delusional one … or is it you? And then how do you figure that one out?
It’s an interesting question … and perhaps one that can only be answered by time … time will reveal who we really are … time will allow the pain to heal, the wound to scab over and clarity to return … time will open their eyes (or mine) to the truth. There are two sides to every story, but there is often one that is more true than the other – more right – more just – or simply handled better, with greater honesty and with more maturity. And most of the time, determining which side you (or they) fall on, is something that only God should or can do. Sometimes the best thing you or I can do is to just let it go, allow yourself the liberty of not having to figure it out … and allow God to fight your battles and trust Him to know what the right thing is for the next step. He may just know better than me …
In my journey these days I strive for truth in all I do and in how I live, yet misunderstanding happens. I try to live out of the truest part of me … open and out loud … and I often wonder how I am perceived when I see others so unaware of who they are and how they are perceived. I detest wearing a mask, yet in all of us there is that tendency to cover who we really are. The real disconnect begins when that mask becomes more real than the person underneath. And breaking free from that is a process that invokes much pain and deep soul-seeking, all while learning to trust again.
In the meantime, I will ask my family and friends, but most of all God, to keep me grounded … to allow me to trust again … and most of all to remind me daily of who I truly am. We are on this journey together and I can’t wait to see what happens next …
It’s an interesting question … and perhaps one that can only be answered by time … time will reveal who we really are … time will allow the pain to heal, the wound to scab over and clarity to return … time will open their eyes (or mine) to the truth. There are two sides to every story, but there is often one that is more true than the other – more right – more just – or simply handled better, with greater honesty and with more maturity. And most of the time, determining which side you (or they) fall on, is something that only God should or can do. Sometimes the best thing you or I can do is to just let it go, allow yourself the liberty of not having to figure it out … and allow God to fight your battles and trust Him to know what the right thing is for the next step. He may just know better than me …
In my journey these days I strive for truth in all I do and in how I live, yet misunderstanding happens. I try to live out of the truest part of me … open and out loud … and I often wonder how I am perceived when I see others so unaware of who they are and how they are perceived. I detest wearing a mask, yet in all of us there is that tendency to cover who we really are. The real disconnect begins when that mask becomes more real than the person underneath. And breaking free from that is a process that invokes much pain and deep soul-seeking, all while learning to trust again.
In the meantime, I will ask my family and friends, but most of all God, to keep me grounded … to allow me to trust again … and most of all to remind me daily of who I truly am. We are on this journey together and I can’t wait to see what happens next …
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