A momentary blessing ...

It is amazing to me how the Lord just reaches out and TOTALLY blesses you when you’re least expecting it! I’m sitting here at Whole Foods on north Academy, waiting for my car to be done at Pep Boys and as I glance up from the book I’m reading, there at the check-out station closest to my table is John Eldredge! Yup, no lie!

Of course, not wanting to be seen as a groupie, I squelch my immediate response to run over to him and gush about how much their ministry has changed my life … I take a moment to pray about it and tell the Lord that if he walks past my booth, I’ll take the opportunity to introduce myself (knowing, of course, that the main doors are in front of him and therefore NOT the direction for him to go). As he finishes up, the cashier points down toward the other door and he heads my direction.

So, up I get, introduce myself, telling him what a blessing attending the Captivating retreat was, and how my life will never be the same … and thank him for the openness that both he and his wife embrace as they minister. He is as engaging in person as he is in the DVD’s … lives real and in the moment and I so appreciated his response to me … as I’m sure I’m not the only person who disrupts his day in this way.

What a trip! This was the highlight of my day and once again I am completely humbled by the timing of the Lord … just to bless me and encourage me! The Lord truly DOES want to bless us. It is His desire to give us these little gifts … moments in time … where we become completely aware of His hand in our lives and how much He truly does love us! Oh how I wish I could see what is coming around the next bend in the road, but at the same time its SO exciting to be surprised like this … and guess what, ladies? He bought flowers, presumably for Stasi! A pretty cool guy who has taken the time to understand what makes HER day!

LOOK what the Lord can do!

Are you a tweeker or a seeker?

I am amazed at what the mind keeps locked away in the recesses … I’ve had some pretty interesting dreams over the years, but last night (9/29/09) was one of the first times I’ve been so thoroughly challenged by the Lord in a dream, with just a simple phrase. I don’t remember much, but in that haze between sleep and wakefulness, realized the Lord was asking me a question … “Sonya, will you be a tweeker or a seeker?” And that is a phrase that will stick with you!

Of course, as in all dreams, I immediately knew that what he was asking was, “Will you turn to me whenever you need a ‘fix’, or will you trust me in all things, spending time seeking me every day?” For those of you who don’t watch as much TV as I do, tweekers are meth addicts … no idea where that came from in my brain, but likely from one of those NCIS or CSI shows that I like to watch … so there it was … a word just waiting to be used by the Lord to really challenge me where I am at TODAY!

I’ve had some truly amazing breakthroughs and healing in the past month and a half, and yet here I sit, with the Lord calling me to Him in a dream, and asking me if I will become a seeker instead of just a tweeker, getting my ‘fix’ whenever I need it. And I find myself not wanting to listen … I don’t want to have to be responsible for what I now KNOW. It is so much easier to simply continue doing what I think I want to do without really having to invest in this life the Lord is calling me to. Is this laziness? Not at all – I’m not a lazy person … but I am VERY accomplished in the art of avoidance!

I had a mentor last fall/spring who said to me, “Sonya, you say ‘it’s easier’ a lot. Have you thought about what that means? What do you mean, it’s easier?” Okay, so here goes: It’s easier to keep going to all my substitute “comforters” than to let them go and surrender to God; it’s easier to go home and watch TV or read a book at night than to risk ‘engaging’ with other people, or God, both of whom will surely disappoint me (a lie to be sure, but intrinsic for many); it’s easier to not be involved or committed to anything, than to risk the pain that will surely come when that thing or person is taken away from me … it’s just easier … WOW! Talk about an eye opener … when you take the time to put it into words, you see the truth of your thoughts and the reality that it is, in fact, NOT easier, but simply an insulator that helps you believe the LIE that it is easier.

Now, I can choose to live the rest of my life, insulating myself against pain, disappointment and hope, keeping others at arms length and only showing that part of me that I have perceived to be “acceptable,” being a “tweeker” who only turns to God in those moments that I need my ‘fix’ in order to keep on going. In fact, I have chosen this life for many years, functioning on the premise that this is the EASIER way to live. However, “easier” is just a perception and only works for as long as I am able to insulate myself from the pain that lies under the surface … and when something happens to bring that pain to the surface, I have to choose more false comforters to feel better, or face the pain and tweek for that ‘fix’ to get me through the day… once I’ve gotten the fix, then I can go back to that sub-par existence, hiding my true self from everyone.

Wow! So, will I be a tweeker or a seeker? What will I choose … or better yet, what will you choose?

Life is such a trip!

I am completely overwhelmed at what the Lord has done to bring me to this place I am in today. There is such a deep peace and complete knowledge and awareness of His love … and not ‘cause everything is going ‘my way’ … its there in spite of the reality that it’s not … that there are things I wish were different in my life.

But now I wonder how I could ever walk away from this new way of living. Of course, I am aware that negligence will lead me away faster than you can blink … neglect of my relationship with the Lord and the intrinsic need that is within all of us to connect deeply with Him, will effectively separate me from Him, and I do NOT want to go back there – too many years wasted that way. THIS new way of living is the only way I want to be!

It is amazing that the more control I surrender to the Lord, the more freedom that I encounter … freedom from habits and compulsive sin … from ‘needing’ affirmation from others. It is a paradox for sure, but one that I am embracing today. I WANT less control and as I give that up to Him, He is so faithful to show me how to be released from those things that I have ‘thought’ I needed to escape the pain … and He is healing the pain and heartache in miraculous ways. The POWER of the Lord transcends ALL other power available … and walking in THAT is where the freedom comes from.

I am humbled at the way He has wooed me to His heart, and OHHHH so grateful for His patience and passion for me … for ME! I truly am a daughter of the most high God, and He IS my deepest longing … I am complete in Him as I allow Him to complete me!

Big, BIG moments ...

I am constantly amazed at how God just reaches into your life and completely changes the direction of everything … without notice … and what a blessing it turns out to be! Freedom is the unexpected gift and life will never be the same.

Misunderstandings and distorted perceptions of others can be so damaging to all persons involved … people say things they shouldn’t … others listen … the pile gets out of hand and pretty soon you believe things about someone that aren’t even close to the truth. Its painful and can be so devastating … but your reaction, no matter where you are in this small act of a much bigger story, is what counts.

Will you allow what others say to affect your perceptions? Will you choose not to respond? Will you choose not to get involved in the first place? I’ve definitely been on both sides of the equation and in the past have made some not-so-great decisions that I hope I’ve learned from. That is part of the maturing process and today I am grateful for those lessons from the past because they are a part of what dictates my response today, and will also in the future when I fail to recall the lesson in time to follow the right path.

Now, with my feet firmly planted in the knowledge and absolute understanding of the Father’s love for me, I experience deep joy in spite of pain. The two can coexist BECAUSE of this understanding and knowledge of His love. I trust Him … implicitly. I am confident that He is in control and as I am able to surrender to this process, I am given this amazing gift … complete and utter peace … and freedom.

If you have the chance to listen to “Utter Relief of Holiness” by Ransomed Heart Ministries (John Eldredge), I encourage you to do so (www.ransomedheart.com in the Store under Audio recordings). Life transforming teachings on freedom.

I am so grateful for those of you in my life who believe in me. It is a blessing and a pleasure to be on this journey with you … keepin’ it real!

What happened to joy ...

It is truly incredible how quickly we can move from a moment of such pure joy, back into the morass of life… what is that about? Why does it happen? What causes this? Where did that joy go?

I don’t want to live like that for one more moment. We are meant for joy … here is what Jesus has to say about joy:

John 15:11 - I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!

John 16:24 - You haven’t done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy.

John 17:13 - “Now I am coming to you. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy.

Abundant joy … joy overflowing … filled with His joy. YES! That’s what I want … it is my deepest desire to live in this joy in every moment.

But then life happens and I forget that He walks ahead of me to prepare the way for me. I forget that He desires the deepest intimacy and then … somewhere in that time between when I open myself up to Him in the morning and walk in the front door at work … I forget that He is there … walking ahead of me … waiting for me to follow Him … and I head off on my own.

Oh, I still have an awareness of Him in my life but I don’t rest in His presence. I walk out on my own as though I am my own god, and make my own way through the day. No wonder the joy goes away … actually it doesn’t go away – my joy is complete in Him and I make the choice, however unconsciously, to walk away from Him and go on about my day “as though” I can do anything well, on my own! I walk away from the source of that joy … and this is what breaks my heart. I am fully aware in this moment, that I have made the choice to walk away from His presence and joy. This is new revelation for me. Yup, 42 and still growing up! : )

This morning after reading a bit in Walking With God, the Lord directed me to Psalm 57 … and I was blessed to read of His protection for me in this passage:
1. Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy!
I look to you for protection.
I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings
until the danger passes by.
2. I cry out to God Most High,[a]
to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.
3. He will send help from heaven to rescue me,
disgracing those who hound me.
My God will send forth his unfailing love and faithfulness.
4. I am surrounded by fierce lions
who greedily devour human prey—
whose teeth pierce like spears and arrows,
and whose tongues cut like swords.
5. Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens!
May your glory shine over all the earth.
6. My enemies have set a trap for me.
I am weary from distress.
They have dug a deep pit in my path,
but they themselves have fallen into it.
7. My heart is confident in you, O God;
my heart is confident.
No wonder I can sing your praises!
8. Wake up, my heart!
Wake up, O lyre and harp!
I will wake the dawn with my song.
9. I will thank you, Lord, among all the people.
I will sing your praises among the nations.
10. For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens.
Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
11. Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens.
May your glory shine over all the earth.

The Battle ...

I am realizing every single day now, how unbelievably phenomenal our Father is. One of those really cool things He is doing is completing a process that began three years ago. At that time it was a simple prophetic word given to me in a small group. Now, I’m not one to simply trust every word that is spoken over me. When I was in Bible College I had a person prophesy over me in a wacky voice (in a charismatic bible college you get all kinds) and I immediately called my Mom to ask how you know if it’s God or not, feeling strongly that it wasn’t but also guilty at the same time… her response is one I live by yet today --- “When it comes to pass you know it was from God.” Enlightening, eh? : ) Mum is nothing if not practical!

Anyway, this was a rather innocuous (at the time) prophecy in the fall of 2006, about the Lord having me in a period of learning some big lessons with three years being the time frame for completion of that work, and then the beginning of something bigger in my life. I resonated with it as well and felt a peace about what was said. There were some other aspects to this prophecy but this was the basic gist of it – some of those things you just have to hold close to your heart and wait and see what the Lord will do. I’ve sat with this over the past three years and had times of anticipation, times of anger, times of confusion … you know, just life happening and me, as usual, being impatient!

Then last year at our National Conference God placed me beside one of our camp leaders on the bus ride back from Epcot – in hindsight I realized this was a God thing as there was only ONE seat left on the bus and I was the only person in line not “with” someone else waiting to board … yeah, my fun people ditched me when I had to help direct others for a bit : ) … but the Lord was at work and placed me next to an older man who had a “one year” prophecy for me about the completion that the Lord was bringing to my life (I did not know this man but did know/trust his brother). I was floored at the time because when I looked at the timeline for the prophecy from 2006 and what this person shared, they coincided timing-wise and NO WAY that those two people had any contact or knowledge of what the Lord was doing --- but it was HIS way of encouraging me to stay the path … chills up and down my spine BIG TIME!

And then it happened … the battle … it was huge, I was unprepared, and I was taken out BIG TIME!

In late January/early February of this year some pretty major hopes/dreams that I had begun to open up to were lost to me. I had placed a lot of hope in them and the lack of fruition simply devastated me … and so I killed my heart – I felt I had no other choice. The message was that there’s no point hoping for the future when the same thing happens over and over and over and over and over … you get the picture, and I definitely got it that time. You see, there has been this same pattern in my life ever since I was a child, and the enemy does this to ALL of us. We all have this message or theme to our lives that just never seems to change … it is reinforced over and over again by our circumstances. Think about it – what is it that has haunted you for your entire life? In your childhood and high school; academically; in sports; in relationships or not having them; in your family or lack of family; in career opportunities that happened or didn’t; in friendships or lack of them… what is that “theme” for your life that just seems to always be the same? For me it was simply “you will never be the chosen one … you will never be good enough … you will always be on the outside.” Simple, straightforward and very believable, which is just the way the enemy likes it … and I have spent my life making agreements with those messages. Believing the lie and agreeing with it insulates you against the truth and you become ineffectual at best.

Yesterday on my way home in the car I was listening to the second CD in John Eldredge’s series, “The Four Streams,” on spiritual warfare, and he prompted the listener to really think about what your theme is, and walks you through all these times of life and asks, “What is it? What is that one thing that is constantly being reinforced about who you are, through your circumstances?” … and it HIT me so hard … and I got MAD… I’ve never been so mad at the enemy in my life and I spent a good chunk of time telling him off right then and there… seriously telling him off! Ticked does not even begin to describe it! This morning on the way in to work I went back to the beginning that track and listened to it all over again, just to reinforce my freedom! I don’t believe I will ever forget this lesson … and how I approach the rest of my life can now be very different.

You see, it is a battle we live in every moment of every day and if the enemy can take us out or decommission us, we will never be the men and women of God that we were created to be. There IS a plan for each of us and the Lord wants to be so intimately involved in our stories that we walk with him moment by moment and look to Him for all our answers … HE IS LIFE!

I have a choice to make: will I continue to “take” life for myself in any way that I can, or will I embrace the Lord and allow Him to be that LIFE for me? To be that life IN me … I am bound on a different path and His hand will rest upon my head and envelope my life this day and the next … there truly is JOY in the journey in spite though the process is often hard…

The Dream:

In 2008 on the night of November 2nd I had this dream and it is so prophetic for what is happening now in my life, that I have to post it too… God is SUPER-KEWL!

So, in this dream I was in a room with a set of large curving stairs. They were wide enough to pass people on and I knew that I had to go up to get to the next level in what was a huge open area inside an airport. It didn’t really look like an airport (more like a mall) but I had luggage with me so that’s why I say airport … when I got near the top I stopped about two stairs from the end because the stairs ended in the middle of the air and you couldn’t reach the next floor – I had my luggage with me but wasn’t actually hauling it – it was just there … disjointed like a lot of dreams can be.

I had a suitcase and a carry-on with me that I “knew” I had to have, but both were heavy and unwieldy and when I saw the stairs end just before I got there, I dropped to my seat in stark fear … refusing to go up further because I knew I would fall if I did.

Then in the next moment of the dream I was back at the bottom of the stairs. Some women who were standing there behind the stairs near some of those joined seats that all airports have, told me that the rest of the steps would appear as I stepped out onto them, about two steps ahead of me every time. They insisted that if I had gone one step further I would have seen the first one appear.

Of course I didn’t think that was true so they pointed out another woman who was just then taking the steps that caused the new ones to appear as she moved forward … but she had no bags with her. The new steps were small round plate size steps with only a railing on the right side of the person and they were no longer wide enough for more than one person. I knew that taking those steps would be impossible if I had to carry my bags with me. Then one of the women told me she would hold them for me until I was done.

That was the end of the dream then but WOW! What a great picture of the process the Lord had me in and the freedom (letting go of the baggage) that He was preparing me for …. As I said … SUPER-KEWL!!! ... and the trust - OHHHHHH, the Trust!

Anticipation ...

Anticipation … I am full of it … for the future, for dreams and hopes, for continued healing and growth and even deeper relationship. A friend asked on my wall the other day, “Freedom from what?” in response to my status post of “Sonya Kuepfer thinks freedom is super cool ... and living in the process is an opportunity to just sit back and say "WOW"...”

I don’t have a simple answer for that question – wish it were an easy response but it’s not … well, maybe I don’t wish it were easy at all. If it were, I wouldn’t be the person I am today, and I’m growing on me! : ) I’m growing up … finally!

So FREEDOM it is – and I embrace it! Freedom from selfishness and self-destruction; from pain and wounded places in my heart; from religion and expectation … the list truly could go on but I want to focus on what this Freedom is leading me into instead. I am marked for LIFE by the gentle hand of a Father who dotes on me, loves me, gentles me … steps into my life with power and authority, reaching in and untangling the mess I would make of things and teaching me to LET GO of how I would attain life for myself, instead showing me HIS way of attaining LIFE.

The Lord’s plan is the one I desire for my life and I am confident that as I learn to just sit in this place … in His presence … and develop a relationship with Him, that He will indeed lead me into the path that He designed from the beginning of time. It won’t always be easy, there will surely be pain – things I will need to give up, let go of, walk away from as I lose my self, but find LIFE. I understand now that His heart for me is GOOD and that I can trust Him with all of it, my hopes, my desires and even those dreams that I barely speak of … and that in THIS place, nothing will ever be lacking … I am FREE…

I am engulfed by peace and awash with grace. There is nothing I have ever done or ever could do to change His love, acceptance and delight in me … it is just the way He is and I can’t WAIT to see what’s around the next bend in the road … Anticipation … and I’m jumping in!

Once upon a time ...

Why am I here? What is this “purpose” that I’m missing? Trust? How? … or better yet, who? I have become quite the reflective soul over the past few years, seeking to understand my place – my purpose here in this life. Dreams have died – hope has been lost and yet I KNOW there is more! And so the journey began…

When I moved to CO in July of 2005, it with a great deal of hope for the future and, frankly, blindly walking forward in my own power. I did not function from a place of trust at that time, but more from a place of disappointment, knowing that if I didn’t embrace the opportunity before me that I would regret it and miss out on that elusive “something” that was just around the corner. I did not set out with the intention of leaving all that was familiar behind and probably didn’t think much about that side of the move. I am, however, undeniably grateful that God held me in the palm of His hand in spite of my willful disregard for his voice. He led me here in spite of myself.

At that point in time I was suffering from an extreme loss of heart. Promises that the Lord made to me over 5 years at two different camps in PA were as yet unfulfilled and I had given up … moving to CO was, in my heart, walking away from any chance at fulfillment of those promises but that was fine with me. It was easier to kill my heart than to deal with the pain of what once was hoped for. Consequently it was easier to move thousands of miles away from those who loved me, than to constantly be subjected to the reminders of what was not or ever would be. I was alone anyway, trusted only myself and so the wild western frontier was a perfect place to start over – to hopefully find a new dream and become a part of something greater than myself, one way or another! I would do it on my own since God obviously wouldn’t do it for me.

Wow! What arrogance! When I reflect on who I was in that moment, I am awestruck that HE has pursued me relentlessly, every single day… He has called me softly with the whisperings of what He had to offer me, roared mightily in the midst of the Colorado summer storms, and wooed me with an acceptance, passion and beauty that I was helpless to resist… I am in love! For the first time … absolutely, truly and hopelessly in love with the ONE who is above all and in all. He is my life and my salvation and I have discovered His amazing love for me in a way I never dreamed.

My deepest questions have been answered by Him … and so completely that they never need be asked again. I am delighted in, and I delight in Him. I am a warrior princess and a part of a story that is SO monumental as to be called a battle. He is walking forward with me, ahead of me, around me and I will never again believe the lie that I am alone. My passions are unveiled, my heart is His and I will live in the here and now … in this moment … ever grateful, humbled and amazed at what He has done. Healing that I have searched for is already complete as He opens my eyes to His truth … to hear His voice. There is no greater gift and I wish it for all of us … do you KNOW who you are in Him? Do you understand this great story in which we all have a roll to play? You ARE a part of this adventure … this story … this battle … we ALL are …

My desires are just becoming known as He awakens me to the first chapter in this new story … and so it begins …

Once upon a time ...

I am Captivating ...

As some of you know, I went to the Ransomed Heart Ministries "Captivating" retreat for women this past weekend, and what a blessing it was! My deepest desire, and the desire of all women, is to know that we are a captivating part of a big adventure - to know that we are delighted in and have something of value to offer that will make a difference!

The retreat was so well orchestrated that they took you through the process of recognizing your wounded heart (past and current), understanding WHO God created us (woman/Eve) to be and the heart He gave us ON PURPOSE!, understanding the fight for our hearts and the battle we live in every day, embracing the role the Lord wants to play in each of our stories and finally and fully realizing/seeing/KNOWING the truth of God's love for each of us.

It was a time of freedom, healing, embracing, trusting ... TRUSTING ... truly trusting the Lord for the first time in my life - a totally NEW thing in my life.

As the weekend progressed I was stirred from the deepest part of my heart and soul to allow the Lord to touch me in ways that I have never allowed Him to touch me before. I let down the walls and opened my heart to him --- FULLY! I finally understand His true heart for me and I am speechless, struck by wonder and amazed at Him. I am a woman in love, for the first time in my life. Fully awakened, full of desire and in LOVE! The pain of my past/current life is not MY fault and neither is it HIS fault ... it is a result of the battle we live in every moment of every day as the enemy desires to steal, kill and destroy, using any means possible to kill our hearts and deaden our souls to the TRUTH of who our Lord is, HOW His heart is FOR us and what He will do just to LOVE us! I am broken, humbled and completely overwhelmed and the more I talk (write) about Him the more I desire to BE with Him in every moment. Perhaps you have experienced this side of loving but it is new for me and I AM IN AWE! My life will never be the same and I am SO grateful that He has brought me through these last three years of "process" to get me to this point ... in this moment ... in HIS plan!

What a blessing - and my deep desire is to see each of you blessed as well. Grace and peace be with you today...