Reflecting on the end of my day, I typed the title of this post. Seeing those two words there in print, made me giggle aloud. Is there any OTHER kind of mom? Is there a RETIRED mom? I could argue that even my mom, with two adult children, hasn't fully retired from us yet! We use this term as a society to distinguish between the moms who work AT HOME and the ones who WORK outside the home, still there is work - an amazing, SUPER-HUMAN amount of work.
As I scrambled from my chair of an after-school meeting, excusing myself, "Ive got to get my kids form school. I'm sorry I have to go." "No problem," they all say. I assume they understand and can't help it if they don't. I rush down the hall of the school, with minutes to spare before I am due to pick them up. I run into a number of the moms I've become close to. We all have that same LOOK. We don't need to speak - we exchange knowing glances. Moms have a secret language - a code that is often communicated totally non-verbally through a glance, a sigh, a gesture. We all seem to speak the language and it bonds us. Today, was no different. As we exchanged warm smiles, all of our faces said one thing, "I'm EXHAUSTED!" The silent expressions on our faces reflect back both an agreement and a sympathy. We are bonded. As I enter the room with one of my friends to pick up our kids, she tells me that her day is far from over - after all, it's "only" 4 pm)! She's off to this practice, that errand, no idea what to have for dinner with this schedule. We remark, "Why do we do this?" As if on cue, I hear, "MMOOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!" I am met with a rush of smiles that fill the room, and my heart. All of the day's events, challenges, frustrations, and let-downs leave my body like an exorcism. This is all that matters. It's mom time. THIS is why I do what I do.
I've been fortunate enough to have had both sides of the "work" of a mom and I will tell anyone who will listen that moms who work AT HOME have the toughest jobs around! These moms are often referred to as 'Stay at Home moms' - another dangerous misnomer since this is exactly what most of these parenting warriors try not to do! Part of the challenge of being a mom who works at home, is the daily "lesson plans" that are carefully crafted to educate, stimulate, entertain, build character, give exposure, provide perspective, allow opportunities, foster growth, and most important to WEAR OUT your precious little ones in the hope that you'll at least get a quiet ride home, if not an actual NAP!! I can only speak to my own experience at home with my kids, but, as joyous as it was and as much as I appreciate the 17 months I shared with them, it was exhausting, challenging, dirty at times (babies produce interesting messes), and I will confess - and even quite boring sometimes. I encountered all sorts of conflicting emotions. I longed for my professional career I'd left behind, but I didn't want to go back to the workforce full-time. I dreamed of a child-free meal with friends or colleagues, but knew that they wouldn't look at me the same way my kids did. I felt selfish for wanting the validation that a work environment provided for a job well done - let's face it, my 7 month old wasn't thanking me for making lunch or commenting on how nice the house looked after a long day of cleaning. Who was I to be conflicted? Didn't I know how many women would have given a limb to be home with their kids all day?
So, I propose we begin to change our categorization for the ways that moms spend their day. Either way, moms work super hard all day so that their kids can have choices, opportunities, character, love, kindness, compassion, empathy,sensitivity, and most of all, open doors. Some women have the choice between where their "office" is located. Many, many others, are doing the best they can to provide these very same gifts to their kids, perhaps not able to be with them all day, and making the most of the precious after-hours time. So, the next time you see a woman in the park midday, pushing her child on the swing, or a mom in a suit, running down the halls of the school, having missed a meeting to get there on time, just smile and appreciate the WORK that each is doing.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Where have I been?
Where have I been this whole time? Isn't this the essential "mom" question? It seems like the hours turn into days, turn into weeks, and then, I look and it has been 5 months since I posted on this blog. Shame on me! Is there even anyone reading this anymore? Have you all cyber-walked away, having given up hope that I would ever make time again for the luxury of writing a BLOG? Despite the fact that the blogging had screeched to a grinding halt, life has not....
Since my last post, we have enjoyed a 6 week summer vacation in Colorado, Vieques, and St. Croix. You learn a lot about yourself, your husband, and your kids when you take an extended vacation. For instance, I learned that my son has 7 different positions that he can contort himself into to sleep on an airplane. I learned that the "pay per view" movie RIP OFF on the airplane is SO worth it if you are with kids. I paid $5 for each of them. I would have paid $50 for the 92 minutes of quasi-distraction it provided - especially to the "flubber" that occupies the inside of my 4-year old son. Following Murphy's Law, the probability of the "flubber" personality emerging is inversely proportional to the size of the space my son occupies. The smaller the space, the "bigger" the energy! I'm waiting patiently for my patent on "4 year old calming serum" to come through. The other concept in my think-tank is a way to recreate, bottle, and distribute Boy Energy. Forget your venti mocha latte! Throw away the Red Bull! Here comes " BOOOOOOYYYYYYY POWWWEEERRRRR!!" I can hear it now...ch, ching!
I have learned to love, respect, and appreciate my little Energizer Bunny (c)! He inspires me to do me and be more. His sweetness makes my heart smile. I love sweet, sensitive boys. I understand how "Mama's boys" happen. He OWNS my little finger (it's not just rented space)! His Curious George-like curiosity is amazing and I've smelled a million more roses at his insistence...
Kayleigh is my thinker. Wise beyond her years, totally tuned in to the energy of others, compassionate, thoughtful.. I often contemplate her temperament and wonder how much I can actually take credit for. When people tell me how fabulous my kids are, can I really say, "Thank you!" as if I have created them all by myself? Do I really have to acknowledge the nature side of the argument? can't I conveniently just believe the nurture side? I'd love to say that they're fabulous because I am fabulous. Because we work so hard, so much. Because I have a degree in mental health and I KNOW how to parent. I'd love to take full credit for their gifts, but I can't...
Days after I gave birth to my first child, my mother passed along what I consider to be the BEST piece of parenting advice that I have ever received. She reminded me that my children were not my possession, to control or to own. They belonged to the world. My job was simply to guide them on their own journey- to walk with them for as long as they'd allow and even when they'd prefer I didn't. To help them to discover the ways in which they can change the world, but never to posses them. Perhaps that is the key to why my children are fabulous and sweet and sensitive, and happy, and energetic, and FUN - because they just get to "be"...
Since my last post, we have enjoyed a 6 week summer vacation in Colorado, Vieques, and St. Croix. You learn a lot about yourself, your husband, and your kids when you take an extended vacation. For instance, I learned that my son has 7 different positions that he can contort himself into to sleep on an airplane. I learned that the "pay per view" movie RIP OFF on the airplane is SO worth it if you are with kids. I paid $5 for each of them. I would have paid $50 for the 92 minutes of quasi-distraction it provided - especially to the "flubber" that occupies the inside of my 4-year old son. Following Murphy's Law, the probability of the "flubber" personality emerging is inversely proportional to the size of the space my son occupies. The smaller the space, the "bigger" the energy! I'm waiting patiently for my patent on "4 year old calming serum" to come through. The other concept in my think-tank is a way to recreate, bottle, and distribute Boy Energy. Forget your venti mocha latte! Throw away the Red Bull! Here comes " BOOOOOOYYYYYYY POWWWEEERRRRR!!" I can hear it now...ch, ching!
I have learned to love, respect, and appreciate my little Energizer Bunny (c)! He inspires me to do me and be more. His sweetness makes my heart smile. I love sweet, sensitive boys. I understand how "Mama's boys" happen. He OWNS my little finger (it's not just rented space)! His Curious George-like curiosity is amazing and I've smelled a million more roses at his insistence...
Kayleigh is my thinker. Wise beyond her years, totally tuned in to the energy of others, compassionate, thoughtful.. I often contemplate her temperament and wonder how much I can actually take credit for. When people tell me how fabulous my kids are, can I really say, "Thank you!" as if I have created them all by myself? Do I really have to acknowledge the nature side of the argument? can't I conveniently just believe the nurture side? I'd love to say that they're fabulous because I am fabulous. Because we work so hard, so much. Because I have a degree in mental health and I KNOW how to parent. I'd love to take full credit for their gifts, but I can't...
Days after I gave birth to my first child, my mother passed along what I consider to be the BEST piece of parenting advice that I have ever received. She reminded me that my children were not my possession, to control or to own. They belonged to the world. My job was simply to guide them on their own journey- to walk with them for as long as they'd allow and even when they'd prefer I didn't. To help them to discover the ways in which they can change the world, but never to posses them. Perhaps that is the key to why my children are fabulous and sweet and sensitive, and happy, and energetic, and FUN - because they just get to "be"...
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