I have successfully completed the 52 hours mandatory online study for the 'project' that I am pursuing. I am busy studying right now, hoping to be ready for the State exam in about 2 weeks or so. My self test quizes had been great so far. Hope I will score such good points in the exam. Tengah semangat beb, jangan tak jadi (thats what I always ell myself hahaha).

Mak has been here for 1 week starting tomorrow. Its like I really have someone to listen to me...in Malay! Of course I have the husband to listen to my whinings, but having mak around has been so so so wonderful. I can let steam off my chest in malay. All mak says is always....nothing! Or she sometimes has something to say like 'Dah lah, budak tuh dah memang camtuh, kau nak marah2 pun sakit hati'. Most times shes right about things.

So far, mak has cooked curry with pulut kuning, black pepper chicken, mee hoon goreng pedas, ayam goreng and nasi lemak with sambal tumis telur...could I ask for more??? Sure...bring it on mak!

SF is finaly covered with sunshine today after days of cold fog. When the sun shines, our spirits lift up!

Here's pic of Suraya taken today at the park. Notice her jade bracelet mak bought for her. Sepasang dia sekarang with her ibu hehe.

So...Suraya has cut her first couple of teeth...yaay!!! Her drooling has somehow or rather been reduced, NOT saying that it has totally been 'wiped' out. How mysterious nature can do eh. Teeth not out, drool comes out, teeth out, drool lessens.

Besides the teeth growing, the body has become for solid molid, keras meras and montok montok. She is crawling now and can sit on her own. Funny when the first thing she did this morning as soon as she woke up was to sit up and watched Jo Jo Circus on Playhouse Disney. She can stand in her crib, sometimes with one hand. She is also learning to acknowledge the beauty of the telephone. She knows that there is a live person on the other end of the line cos when I put her on the phone, she hears the voice, looks into the earpiece and starts trying to 'eat' it. Thats her 'hello' greeting!

Mak is coming in less than 48 hours. She is too excited beyond words about coming here. She misses the girls so much.

This also means that the husband has found another job and will start working next week. He has found an 'ideal' managerial job, which means that his job starts either during midday or graveyard on some days, just so that he could still be Mr Mom when he starts working. Downside? No weekends off yet...which means...lesser time with me. Sigh...thats okay. Sacrifice a little for more gain later.




With this posting, I would also like to thank the dearest husband/daddy/paps for wonderfully taking care of the baby and Kakak Mas since mak left. He admitted that being Mr Mom is not an overnight-easy-to-adjust post. It took him and Suraya 3 whole weeks to get used to each other. Now? They're like pals and Kakak Mas is a perfect part time sitter when paps needs a break.

Eventhough we were on a one and a half income when the husband took on the Mr Mom role, it has been the most satisfying decision that we have ever made. Nothing beats the baby's own parents to care for their own child. Money can always be recovered but baby's growing up time, will be gone and shall never return again.

I am glad that the husband decided to care for Suraya. Look at him now, he now does not want to part with Suraya when the 'door' is wide open for him to start working again!

You're the best dear husband. I know that not all daddies can do what you did and are still doing.

In the meantime, I have almost reached the 52 hour online study mark for me to take my first examination. Next week will be crunch study time. I am giving myself 3 months to change career and I can't wait!

Remember 2 entries ago? I am working my way to a new career with 52 study time to clock and an examination? Well, Ely's proud to say that she's working the 52 hours. I have covered 12 hours so far...40 more hours to go, one more week of intense revision and I am be ready to go! My goal...to take the exam in at least 3 weeks (one more week to study, one more to revise and one more week just in case I failed the 1st round of exam) now so that I could go on and take the other examination required.

How did I do it? Hmmm, its not easylah. Just need some determination and 'holding your eyes open with toothpicks' on weekend nights. Having a baby who is 7 months, can be very testing for me. No, I can't study when she is awake and NO, I can't study when the husband is in the house and awake.

Earplugs are my best friends. They help shut the noises out to the level of enabling me to 'ignore' the happenings and the tv blasting behind me.

You know, each time I study, I can almost my brains folding. You know how people say that the more you learn, the more folds your brains will have? I think my brains have been frozen ESPECIALLY after birth when my memory retention is at its worst. Oh my, why did I decide to study at this period of time eh?

But I am enjoying it all. The determination, the 'thawing' of the brains, forcing memory retention, the 'burning midnight oil'...so far so good, hope I won't get burned out.

I know you might think that I am nuts when you read this entry. A posting in my regular portal triggered me to write this.

So…what is the difference in marrying someone who is not of your very own ethnicity? Ok ok, like being married to a white guy. How about marrying someone who is of totally different religion? I know that some asians will feel very proud of marrying white guys or foreigners and tells all that white guys are nice, romantic, understanding, etc etc and guys of their locale are controlling, backward, etc etc.

You know, to me, being married to a white, brown, black or whatever does not make a difference. I was married to a malay guy for 9 years. It was very unfortunate that the marriage did not last…it was my choice that it did not last.

I did not want my personality and life to be controlled by someone who was non better than me, someone who never treated me as his equal. Yes, the truth was, sure…I had the biggest phobia about marrying someone of my own kind UNLESS he is one of those 'far and in between' guy that could treat me like how I would like to be treated, why not right?

But you see, I dated a few guys shortly after the divorce. At that time, I had a phobia of marriage. No more men in my life except my son! I can find kinks and dings on the guys personality, always a fault. 'Too timid, too quiet, no backbone, hes scared of me'…those were some of my remarks about the guys whom I dated. Some even said that I am too bold, opiniated or even stubborn for asian men. They said that I need to find myself a foreigner who can think like me, someone who is more bullish than me. So…I became the 'reject' of my own people hahaha.

It was rather easy to 'change channel', from locals to foreigners, that’s the beauty of internet. You can find people from every corner of the world. Just type in the place, and voila!

Well anyway, back to my whole point of writing here. I think there is truly no difference in being married to a white guy. The difference is 'who' exactly I married. I married someone who loves me for what I look like, my personality, my stubborness, my ugliness (should there be any) and he accepts my badness as part of what I am. Now this, men of any ethinicty could have this kind of thinking yes? Its just that my husband happens to be white.

There are tonnes of abusive white guys here in america. Drunks, drug addicts, gamblers, wife beaters, murderers, sometimes even worse than what we think they are. I have also seen many many many obnoxious white men (itu dah macam dorang lah), loud and mannerless ones too.

In short, men are men, regardless of what color they are. I am just lucky (or sometimes I feel lucky) to be given a second chance to marry someone who loves me for me…and my kids too.

***Oh GAWD…I don’t know why I am writing this when my hsuband is not on my A list right now!!!

Thank you for all your kind comments on my previous posting. I did not mean for it to be a tear jerker...well, I was choking in tears when I was typing it. But like I always say, Life goes on whether I like it or not.

I have finally decided on a career path. Something that I have been wanting to do for the past 6,7 years or maybe longer, like while I was in Singapore but just had no balls to do so.

I am preparing myself for this new career path. I shall not reveal it yet (trust me, only ONE person in my company knows about it besides my family) until I have spoken to the Official Department in this practice and a place where I can register myself to this practice. It might take me at least 3 months to get the license and ready to be lifted off the ground. 3 months of online 'schooling' in 2 parts and 2 examinations. I am very very very excited to do this!

Reason why I want to do this? This area has been my passion for the past 15 years. Its time for 'it' to make money for me. I would love to own a house for my family and be able to choose something better in lifestyle for my family. Who knows, the husband might be my partner in this if this plan works out well.

I promise I shall reveal what it is, at least when I pass the 1st examination. But tomorrow might be the big day for me...of taking the 1st step to success! Thats when I might sign up for the online class.

Here are pics of Suraya...its high time for new pics eh?

So I spoke to my son last night. The last time we spoke, the conversation was very very aggravated that our healing process took 10 steps backward.

So much emotions was actually involved when my son and I were separated. The emotions involved everyone on my immediate side of the family (the husband and Kakak Mas) and the other immediate side (my parents and sister).

Like I said earlier, it was a wonder Allah kept Suraya with me in my tummy when I was going through rough times. Maybe Allah did it for a reason…to heal Kakak Mas, the husband and me. To help us get stronger and eventually, to heal my broken and hurt family. And I know that Allah sent Suraya to us as a bridge this family.

With all the emotions that came along, 3 out of 1 conversations we had, sometimes took a turn for the worse. I don’t know how and why. But then we thought that this had to come to a halt. The elders have to be on the same page in order to make my son be on the same page too. We all agreed…that we have to work hard in patching my family up again. Not to have my son physically back with me but to patch up the relations that we have.

Back again to last night's conversation. At first my son thought that my mother 'forced' him into speaking to me…but he picked up the phone to speak to me anyway. At first it started with a very apprehensive tone on his side. But I sounded friendly, like an ibu would always sound to him. Oh how I missed his voice. Then he started to open up after I started sounding chatty and happy.

He said that he was not well last Friday. Dr said that his tonsils were swollen and he had a slight fever. And then I teased him 'Sakit2 pun pergi Batam eh'….and he giggled. He also said that it is the Dengue season now in Singapore. And I offered information about Suraya, his tiny sister who just got over a cold spell herself. And then he talked about school. That he had special coaching from his teacher and is catching up pretty well.

I avoided any deep conversation as that could be the root to taking step backwards. I was totally not expecting anything out of that conversation…after what happened the last time.

It was until I hung up the phone when the husband asked me who I was speaking to. I said 'Matt'. Then he said 'Sounds like a good conversation'. You know, yes, it was a good conversation. Then he asked 'How do you feel?'. Took me a few seconds to think. How did I feel? I told him that I did not feel anything then as I wasn't expecting anything for fear of hurt like the last conversation…but relieved that it was a good one.

But you know what? Slowly after that, feelings started to sink in. I felt happy, sad, relieved, and lovelorn. I miss my son so very much, so much so that it hurts. But I can't cry anymore. As I think I have cried so much that my tearducts are clogged. Oh no, I lied, I just can't cry anymore or refuse to cry…cos it hurts deep down each time I cry.




If my son is reading this, I just wanted to let you know that we ALL do love you here. We ALL think of you all the time, even Greg asks about you, James our neighbor and even some of your schoolmates ask about you. Your little sister is due to see you soon. InsyaAllah, we shall meet soon. We're a family and nothing will change that. It is okay if you live far away from us. As long as our ties will not be broken.

I love you Abang Matt!