after the third week of school, i'm still not in the mood for mugging. i'd intended to start work today after slacking ytd, but i just didn't feel like doing anything. and knowing that i have loads to complete before next week, perhaps i have to work extra hard the next few days.
i just have some thoughts after attending one of my lectures on interpersonal relations and effectiveness. the class is essentially about attaining happiness (with a tb called "the how of happiness"). it felt so ironic, getting me to discuss about happiness when most of the time, i dunno how happiness feels like.
but somehow it reminded me of some stuff. one of the comments went, "you have to experience the lows to understand how the highs feel like." sound exactly like what i told a friend a few years back. and we were told to email 15-20 friends to get 3 stories each to illustrate when i'm at my best. i felt paiseh, but looking at some of the replies, i actually feel rather glad that we were told to do so.
it felt so much like council evaluations. and i've always liked such self-discovery sessions. i just never expected to do all these in a module, when everyone is competing to get a good grade. it just feels so wrong to do all these with the hope of getting good grades for the module.
then again, i feel myself slightly happier these days. may be due to various small reasons, for example my parents coming back from bangkok, my family relations improving, some friendships renewed, etc. but still, i feel slightly more at ease with myself than the last few years. i dunno whether such a feeling is permanent, but at least i feel some improvement.
and i think talking to joce is quite therapeutic too. i'm so glad we're getting closer now, talking not just about school work, and everything else too, like what we did during the weekends, etc. but yeah, i think having a friend who is always willing to listen and whom i dun mind confiding in is a good thing for me. i do realise i have some mental barrier that i can't get over, but i will try. and i think i've been emotional only because i dun allow myself to be happy, to be contented. i only have myself to blame then.
perhaps my better mood also arose from the fact that i went back to rj, back to where all the happiest and saddest periods of my life happened. it's probably the only schooling period that i would want to return to and change some stuff about it. but then again, even though i didn't know anyone there, other than recognising some canteen uncles and aunties and some teachers, it still felt like a second home to me, a place where i spent two full years growing up at. everything's so different, but yet still felt the same.
now in uni, i really dun like this period of sourcing for internship. i hate boasting about how i can contribute to organisations and about my capabilities. it's not something that i'm good at, and bad things seem to always come out of it. perhaps it's really a matter of confidence, but when there's nothing to make you feel confident about yourself, there's no way you can feel confident. vicious cycle maybe?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
life.
i just cried again, but this time was while i was watching 海派甜心. as usual, i'm crying while watching a show again.
maybe it's only on shows that i get to imagine myself in people's shoes and try to imagine a more interesting life.
two assignments due this week. WOW. second week of school only. at least tmr marks the end of the working week for me.
wanted to rant about how irritating it is to have a 10% assignment due on the 2nd week of school, but ah well, probably it's good to get me going for the week.
i was so pissed off with dylan, but i just couldn't bring myself to scold him. or maybe i should say, i just can't bring myself to scold anyone. but i haven't seen anyone else who's less concerned about his own stuff. i haven seen anyone so irresponsible. i haven't seen anyone so rude.
but somehow, beneath the person he portrays himself to be, i find someone who's similar to me in some sense. i asked him why he ignored his baby cousin when she said bye to him. he told me, "cos when i'm bad to her, then she will go 'wow' when i accomplish something."
lowering the expectations of others sounds just too familiar to me. i hate it when people are disappointed in me. i guess it's the same with him.
i think the best thing i learnt while giving him tuition is to try to appreciate the inner self of others than to purely look at the exterior.
maybe it's only on shows that i get to imagine myself in people's shoes and try to imagine a more interesting life.
two assignments due this week. WOW. second week of school only. at least tmr marks the end of the working week for me.
wanted to rant about how irritating it is to have a 10% assignment due on the 2nd week of school, but ah well, probably it's good to get me going for the week.
i was so pissed off with dylan, but i just couldn't bring myself to scold him. or maybe i should say, i just can't bring myself to scold anyone. but i haven't seen anyone else who's less concerned about his own stuff. i haven seen anyone so irresponsible. i haven't seen anyone so rude.
but somehow, beneath the person he portrays himself to be, i find someone who's similar to me in some sense. i asked him why he ignored his baby cousin when she said bye to him. he told me, "cos when i'm bad to her, then she will go 'wow' when i accomplish something."
lowering the expectations of others sounds just too familiar to me. i hate it when people are disappointed in me. i guess it's the same with him.
i think the best thing i learnt while giving him tuition is to try to appreciate the inner self of others than to purely look at the exterior.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
decisions.
i'm usually not one who will regret my decisions when i've made them, but now as i look back, i wonder how things would be different if i have gone on different paths.
i guess one of the most major decisions i've made is to go to rgs. i knew at that point of time that i wasn't cut out for the rigour of the rafflesian education, and knew that i won't be able to fit into the culture of the school. but having been presented with the chance which others want but may not get the opportunity to, i just heeded my parents' advice and headed to rgs.
it wasn't an easy path. in pri sch, i was an extroverted person. i could talk to almost anyone anywhere. i was also the teachers' pet and got all sorts of awards. but slowly, being in rgs made me realise how pathetic my knowledge of the world was. i couldn't speak proper english, didn't read harry potter (yes everyone in the class read except me), and didn't understand some of the lingo they used. i remember very clearly how the "rich and wealthy" girls used to ignore me and refused to talk to me. it wasn't an easy time definitely.
but it takes time to get used to a new environment. kong hwa was anything but competitive. it was still a rather homely environment, where everyone was friendly to each other. i remember how i hated the competitiveness of my new school. results are just results. no matter how badly one does, it doesn't matter in a week's time.
slowly, i withdrew from the class. i felt so inferior. i felt that everyone except me was intelligent. but what can i do? intelligence is not something that can be copied and pasted.
being placed into the position of house captain, i felt i wasn't well-equipped enough. public speaking has always been a torture for me. worse still when i'm a captain. i didn't know what to say at house meetings, i didn't know how to get people to cheer with me. even though everything eventually turned out well, the sense of inferiority never got better.
the two years of jc life was probably a turning point in my life. i placed my focus on everything except my studies. and true enough, my studies just went down the drain. it hasn't been easy ever since then, with all the family issues and whatnots. slowly, i also found myself closing up to people around me. i started to self-pity, started to blame everything around me that was happening, and everything that wasn't happening.
sometimes, i feel even more inferior at biz school. i can't present well, but that's precisely what biz lessons revolve around. there are of cos other components, but i know i can do them only because i have good "training" from my previous paths.
i guess knowing about all the things happening in the elite section of singapore hasn't been too healthy for me. to me, it seems like a reverse psychological effect, the more i get into such an environment, the more i have this sub-conscious effort to push it away from me. and even though on the surface i have accepted and fit into such culture, it's making me feel even more inferior than ever before, because i know i can never be as good as most of my batchmates.
i was watching one of the drama idols, and i remember someone saying, "if you dun dare to dance in front of people, it means you dun have confidence in yourself." how true and representative. i dun dare to, and not only do i not like to dance in front of people, i dun like to do any task in front of others unless i know i can do it well. it is a psychological barrier definitely, i just dunno how to overcome it.
maybe it's also the upbringing. i grew up in a home where it's necessary to give in all the time. but for me, fairness is supposed to prevail. i grew up being unhappy about all the things that i never gotten. i know it probably helped me to become independent and all, but i just never really felt the word "love" happening to me.
perhaps i'm finding excuses for my inadequacy, my laziness, whatever. i have always been rationalizing the things that happened to me, and the consequences of the paths that i have taken. even though i never liked to regret my decisions, there are bound to exist decisions that i will look back at occasionally and wonder if i have made a good decision.
for now, i still can't decide. but one is never contented, and another person's food is always more attractive than your own. so, perhaps i'm just being fickle-minded and just wish to experience life that is not meant to be mine.
i guess one of the most major decisions i've made is to go to rgs. i knew at that point of time that i wasn't cut out for the rigour of the rafflesian education, and knew that i won't be able to fit into the culture of the school. but having been presented with the chance which others want but may not get the opportunity to, i just heeded my parents' advice and headed to rgs.
it wasn't an easy path. in pri sch, i was an extroverted person. i could talk to almost anyone anywhere. i was also the teachers' pet and got all sorts of awards. but slowly, being in rgs made me realise how pathetic my knowledge of the world was. i couldn't speak proper english, didn't read harry potter (yes everyone in the class read except me), and didn't understand some of the lingo they used. i remember very clearly how the "rich and wealthy" girls used to ignore me and refused to talk to me. it wasn't an easy time definitely.
but it takes time to get used to a new environment. kong hwa was anything but competitive. it was still a rather homely environment, where everyone was friendly to each other. i remember how i hated the competitiveness of my new school. results are just results. no matter how badly one does, it doesn't matter in a week's time.
slowly, i withdrew from the class. i felt so inferior. i felt that everyone except me was intelligent. but what can i do? intelligence is not something that can be copied and pasted.
being placed into the position of house captain, i felt i wasn't well-equipped enough. public speaking has always been a torture for me. worse still when i'm a captain. i didn't know what to say at house meetings, i didn't know how to get people to cheer with me. even though everything eventually turned out well, the sense of inferiority never got better.
the two years of jc life was probably a turning point in my life. i placed my focus on everything except my studies. and true enough, my studies just went down the drain. it hasn't been easy ever since then, with all the family issues and whatnots. slowly, i also found myself closing up to people around me. i started to self-pity, started to blame everything around me that was happening, and everything that wasn't happening.
sometimes, i feel even more inferior at biz school. i can't present well, but that's precisely what biz lessons revolve around. there are of cos other components, but i know i can do them only because i have good "training" from my previous paths.
i guess knowing about all the things happening in the elite section of singapore hasn't been too healthy for me. to me, it seems like a reverse psychological effect, the more i get into such an environment, the more i have this sub-conscious effort to push it away from me. and even though on the surface i have accepted and fit into such culture, it's making me feel even more inferior than ever before, because i know i can never be as good as most of my batchmates.
i was watching one of the drama idols, and i remember someone saying, "if you dun dare to dance in front of people, it means you dun have confidence in yourself." how true and representative. i dun dare to, and not only do i not like to dance in front of people, i dun like to do any task in front of others unless i know i can do it well. it is a psychological barrier definitely, i just dunno how to overcome it.
maybe it's also the upbringing. i grew up in a home where it's necessary to give in all the time. but for me, fairness is supposed to prevail. i grew up being unhappy about all the things that i never gotten. i know it probably helped me to become independent and all, but i just never really felt the word "love" happening to me.
perhaps i'm finding excuses for my inadequacy, my laziness, whatever. i have always been rationalizing the things that happened to me, and the consequences of the paths that i have taken. even though i never liked to regret my decisions, there are bound to exist decisions that i will look back at occasionally and wonder if i have made a good decision.
for now, i still can't decide. but one is never contented, and another person's food is always more attractive than your own. so, perhaps i'm just being fickle-minded and just wish to experience life that is not meant to be mine.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
school starts tmr.
and so the 6 weeks' break is almost over.
tmr marks the start of the 6th sem of my university life. how time flies.
after this semester, a few of my friends will graduate and start a new phase of their life.
maybe it also should indicate the end of my slacking attitude towards internship-finding. i dun think anyone around me, including myself, want me to end up having no job despite having an honours degree.
i'm not an ambitious person, i dun wish for a super high-paying job. i just want one that i'm interested in and can excel in. but perhaps, to many others, the salary is the sole indication of your worth in the work place. what a sad truth.
ah well. i just hope this semester would be a good one. it definitely didn't start off well with the lack of points to bid for one of my modules, but i really hope it will eventually turn out well. and i really hope i can appeal successfully to get the module, even though that probably means i will end up with zero points in my programme account. deans office should really do something to improve the situation man. i'm pretty sure a lot of people in my batch is facing the problem of lack of points.
this holidays is a really slack one i must say. have just been giving tuition the last month and earning a fair bit, but other than that, i dun have much to talk about, which also explains the lack of posts. just happy that i managed to meet up with some of my friends, but most of my closer friends are still overseas and i'm still envious of them. =(
perhaps i should give up self-pitying and really start to do something about things that i haven't been doing. i dun want to be regretting my actions in the future.
tmr marks the start of the 6th sem of my university life. how time flies.
after this semester, a few of my friends will graduate and start a new phase of their life.
maybe it also should indicate the end of my slacking attitude towards internship-finding. i dun think anyone around me, including myself, want me to end up having no job despite having an honours degree.
i'm not an ambitious person, i dun wish for a super high-paying job. i just want one that i'm interested in and can excel in. but perhaps, to many others, the salary is the sole indication of your worth in the work place. what a sad truth.
ah well. i just hope this semester would be a good one. it definitely didn't start off well with the lack of points to bid for one of my modules, but i really hope it will eventually turn out well. and i really hope i can appeal successfully to get the module, even though that probably means i will end up with zero points in my programme account. deans office should really do something to improve the situation man. i'm pretty sure a lot of people in my batch is facing the problem of lack of points.
this holidays is a really slack one i must say. have just been giving tuition the last month and earning a fair bit, but other than that, i dun have much to talk about, which also explains the lack of posts. just happy that i managed to meet up with some of my friends, but most of my closer friends are still overseas and i'm still envious of them. =(
perhaps i should give up self-pitying and really start to do something about things that i haven't been doing. i dun want to be regretting my actions in the future.
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