perhaps

i hate to admit this, but i realised i haven't gotten over you fully.

why is it so hard? i really dun understand.

maybe i was too young to handle that, maybe i really could have done more to salvage the situation.

and it hurts to know that you're ready to let go. i'm seriously seriously hurt. i have no wish for the situation to turn out this way.

perhaps it was only supposed to be good when it lasted.

but when i looked thru the smses from the past (yes i still keep them....), i can't help but tear.

we have all moved on. we have all changed. we have put on masks after masks.

you were the one who showed me concern even for the smallest of things.

but now, i'm beginning to think, that perhaps i wasn't, and am not, worthy of any concern at all.

越渴

习惯了寂寞，习惯了被忽略，习惯了被遗忘，就算有千万个不愿意，我又何奈？

也许是因为在现实生活中无法拥有的东西，我就越渴望在虚拟的世界中拥有。 也就因为如此，我喜欢看偶像剧，就因为在每部戏中男主角对女主角无微不至的呵护。我想对每个女孩来说，这种呵护是胜过样貌可带给你的快感。

我不可完全否认，我是个外貌协会的人，但我始终相信，安全感是最重要的。

我也知道，就因为我对这种“完美爱情”的执著，我可能永远也找不到一个懂得珍惜我，和完全了解我的人。因为在偶像剧里所发生的事，现实中很难重演。梦幻似的剧情，也是靠编剧的人想象出来的。

我不擅长表达我的情感，就算是对“你”，我也是事后才后悔万分。忘不了的是那种对你的依赖，忘不了的是你对我的关怀。这也许只是你对朋友之间的关怀，但对我这种时常被忽略的人来说，那段时间是我短时间内不可能忘记的。

因为只有你看得到我坚强壳子里的脆弱，因为只有你肯花时间真正的了解我。这不一定是爱情，但是因为如此，我感到一丝丝的温暖，感到原来我也有被别人照顾的一天。

但也因为你，我曾经有一度濒临崩溃。

习惯了故作坚强，所以每个人印象中的我，将来一定会变成女强人。又有谁会知道，我渴望的并不是高薪的工作和舒服的生活，而是一个美满的家庭。

其实，很多事情只要看开了，重要性也会逐渐的淡化。我从来不是个幸运的人，也知道很多事情是你越想得到的，就会离你越来越远。老实说，我厌倦了上天对我的残忍，也对生命产生一种绝望。因为这样，我开始相信，我可能会孤独终生。

看着朋友们都生活在甜甜蜜蜜的感情生活中，听着音乐里别人爱的宣言，我也只能认命了。。。

fried brain

i've been working so much on excel sheets that my eyes are popping out. and i've been on the phone so much with my prof that my ear drums are bursting too. and a combination of those two for 2 hours each day makes me not want to complete my other work.

but i guess the hard work is worth it at the end of the entire project. like prof always says, "don't you feel proud that you're working for something of national importance?" haha indeed i do. in fact i'm glad i took up the challenge of working with prof sum. these are things you'll never be able to learn in the textbooks, lecture notes, or even the newspapers. most only report the results, never telling you how the results are derived. but when you're the one coming up with the results, it's indeed a challenge but definitely fulfilling task.

there are of cos some opportunities that i didn't take up, i dunno whether i'll regret it in the end, but i guess i have to know my limits also. not like i have a lot of time to spare this sem too. i still want my deans list, though it's a bit impossible lar.

and so, taking the chance that i kinda dun have many stuff to do this weekend, i went to play mahjong with cherry ytd! it was so shiok, really. haven't even have such luxury of time to do anything like that the entire sem. in the end, only one person won, but he won $2.20 only. the rest of us lost $1.20, $0.80, and $0.20. HAHA! that's after THREE rounds btw. i was losing close to $10 after the first round. managed to win for the second and third round though, but well in the end still lost lar. it's the fun that counts!=)

my parents are in penang now btw. have been eating instant noodles for my meals cos i'm quite lazy to cook also. haha. i think my parents are addicted to travelling. they just went to guangzhou, bali, now they're in penang, and soon they'll be going bangkok and taiwan. taking full advantage of cheap airfares huh. it's good lar in a way, time for them to enjoy. would one day want them to go to europe or US, but they'll say, "wait till you all give us the money to do that lor."

i want to travel this holidays too. still in the midst of thinking whether to go KL with mum and bro. but only for a few days lar. i end exams on 3rd dec, and have to come back on 6th so that i can do an internship from 7th onwards (which i also dunno whether i can find). rather short time, but i guess it's always good to go out of s'pore at least for a while.

so envious of all the people on exchange now! next sem, all my freshies will be on exchange and i'll be even more envious! sigh.........

horrible + terrible

seems like i'm getting further and further away from my aim of deans list this semester.

just had a rather horrendous presentation which was shot down quite a lot by our class mates and lecturer. and so we didn't go check out a lot of assumptions and how formulae can be applied. ended up a lot of our concepts were incorrect.

we had novel ideas, but seem like because of our novel ideas which weren't exactly backed up didn't resonate with the rest.

ah well. raheem insists that we didn't do as badly as i thought. but well, haven't gotten shot down so much in any other presentation before, and the fact that so many of our calculations were inaccurate might prove to be fatal to our final grades.

time to concentrate on the final exam which is 40%!

so far the only good news i have is the fact that i scored well for r&i. top five in class lar, and my name was also mentioned by the lecturer. only year three out of the rest of the year fours also. but well, can only hope i continue to do well for the exam, so at least i can try to secure an A this sem.

most of my modules are wrapping up now, and in the writing report stages. starting to tone down a little, but well hopefully things dun get worse.

and tuition almost killed me the last three days. i had 12 hours of tuition for physics alone for the last three days for dylan. wonderful rite. but i've never felt so inadequate in my knowledge.

sometimes i wish i am a lot smarter than i am. i really think grades dun accurately reflect how much knowledge a person possesses, so even if i have relatively high grades, it doesn't mean i'm smart.

i guess it also boils down to a lot other factors, but point is, i dun think i'm smart and am adequately equipped with knowledge. in fact i'm feeling really useless.

i'm finding it so hard to keep up with expectations, whether of others or of my own.

i've always been trying to understand how this inferiority complex of mine came about, but to no avail.

寂寞，好了

nice song by a relatively newcomer!
继“我可以”后，下一首富有情感的歌！超喜欢的！

寂寞，好了 蔡旻佑

拼命的奢望 闷坏的胸口
让我想大声的呐喊
我努力不放 你冷淡
你让分手 就这样
我连做梦也感觉受伤

一年过了 还是一天 计算着慌张
计程车上的音响 我们最爱的情歌
这一刻却重重击破思念的 心脏

夜深了我怎么办 寂寞了谁在身旁
心情变得好复杂 想她 念她 恨她
一个人你害怕吗 细数过漫天星光
说好永远不分开 多假 多假 多假
让记忆长出翅膀 飞翔
心放空了 寂寞 好了

坚强外表下 我脆弱
情人节开始失常
别人庆祝 我却很失落
秋天过了 冬天漫长
关于爱 感伤
我们天真的勇敢
我们追求的梦想
舍不得也只能收藏旅行的时光

寂寞感冒全都可以好的
爱多甜 伤多痛 都释放 oh~
没有你 心放空了 寂寞 好了

suffocating...

projects and mid-terms are totally suffocating so many people, and this poor soul over here is not spared either.

things are so bad till some modules have to act as sacrificial subjects, meaning i've already given up on catching up with every single module. this is sooo bad.

it's week 9 soon, and well well we're already dying from all the deadlines. every week we'll think, it's gonna get better next week, but the "better week" never comes.

my corp fin group stayed over at joce's house last night to do our case analysis, and it isn't even completed. (one funny thing, i got locked out of my house cos i reached home at 620am.=X ) biz pol and corp fin alone can kill us.

mid-term on monday and i'm not even halfway thru sudying for it. doesn't help that we dun exactly listen in class or do his work.

and doesn't help that my tuitions have been so intensive since it's exam periods for both chelsea and dylan. i went to their place on sat, sun, mon, tues, wed, fri, sat. the money is of cos good, but it's really super tiring and time-consuming!

only have one better news this week:
addition of two more rabbits! my parents saw two rabbits up for adoption at this pet shop near our house, and they decided to adopt both mother and daughter, so now i have 4 female rabbits at my house. bad thing is, they can't stay together. the original two are always attacking the two new ones, and so we have to separate them, the two new ones in a cage while the other two still roaming around the balcony. hopefully they'll get used to their presence soon enough!

i miss all of you!

i miss all my friends.

everyone's just so busy these days. and i'm not going online much already, so well i've been living a unhappening life these days. plus all the craziness of the workload. enough to drive me crazy. i've an even greater inertia these days to do work.

good thing corp fin test was ok. if not i can really go kill myself.

i hate this coming week too. corp fin itself have 3 submissions in a span of a week. wonderful.

and my neckache is REALLY bothering me. gastric too.

i feel like falling sick to rest. so ironic. sigh...