ranting...

just what is wrong with me?

gastric. insomnia. neckache.

worst thing is, my gastric came during my math paper just now. i ended up doing only 4/10 qns properly. and tada! i only got 4 right.

wonderful rite. it's been a REALLY long time since i failed any exam.

and i haven't been sleeping well at all. i always take AGES to get to sleep nowadays. plus my neckache has been keeping me awake too. there's just this niggling ache on the right side of my night down to my shoulder. dunno why also.

sigh. i hate my life now. it's too packed already. last week didnt even feel like recess week at all, and now it's over.

and i still have case analysis due on friday plus mid-term on sat. i can't afford to screw up any other exam...

低调

suddenly fell in love with this song. gives me a lot of images.

张栋梁 - 低调

嬉笑 打闹 拥抱
留下了那么多开心合照
互相取暖依靠 熬过了最低潮
一起生活 也一起埋怨过
走过最好与最糟
我在心里想的不用说明 你知道

晨昏日夜颠倒
这房子突然没从前热闹
散落一地微笑 没有人去打扫
感情很微妙 再多付出也好
再多关心多徒劳
爱从来就没有固定的轨道
它最后停在哪里谁知道

我的难过是如此低调
因为不想打扰
我在寂寞的墙角 努力的对自己好
你用微笑回报朋友或情人不重要

我的悲伤是如此低调
傻子才会哭闹 就算你发现也好
我想你一定会选择 假装不知道
难到是我对我自己不够好
只怕我自己的掩饰不够好

porcupine

oh man i feel so good after gym-ing. it's been a REALLY long time since i exercised. feel all the fats accumulating which is really disgusting.

and i hereby announce that i haven't started any academic work for this week! wonderful rite. 3 mid-terms next week and yet i haven even started studying any. how productive can i get.

and i wanted to say, i'm seriously disillusioned about friendships these days. people may say i think too much blah blah, but yes, i really feel disgusted sometimes. you know sometimes i wish people can live without friends, but for me, that can never happen. it's just that i never once had 100% trust in a friend. maybe after primary school cos of my bad experiences. people who were once your good friends would one day start moving on, leaving you behind, and when you next meet, there'll be nothing much to talk about already. so sad rite.

i think my fence around myself is getting bigger. i am watching my distance. i dun like people to step into my fence for a while and then leave thereafter. it's saddening, but i just dun want to be hurt.

i really wish you were here to listen to all my daily rants and rubbish. but i know it's not possible anymore.

整条街都是恋爱的人 我独自走在暖风的夜

i'm supposed to be in school doing work. but ended up surfing the net. but well, it's still quite early in the morning lar. heh.

received a sms from the deans office ytd inviting me to go for this scholarship interview today. i dun understand why i get such invitations when i didn't apply this year, but when i applied last year, i didn't get any. lets just hope for the best. i haven't even told my parents about the biz study award cos i dun want to disappoint them if i end up not getting it. ah well lets just see how it turns out.

maybe it's good they only told me ytd, so i dun have much time to get nervous about it. i suck at interviews man.

a lot of things to do, yet i dunno where and how to start. i'm still doing my prof's stuff. and it's already thursday. and i have tuition tmr and saturday too. *claps*

tuesday, 29th sep: math mid-term
friday, 2nd oct: biz pol mid-term case analysis due
saturday, 3rd oct: corp fin test 1
tuesday, 6th oct: corp fin critique due
friday, 9th oct: corp fin tutorial 3 due
monday, 12th oct: risk & insurance mid-term, corp fin case due
wednesday, 14th oct: biz pol short grp presentation

tada! the stuff i have to study/do for the next three weeks after recess week.

only managed to meet my cph gang and jun this recess week. why so sad!=( i really miss all of them....

and anyway, i was watching this taiwan variety show last night called 百万大歌星, and 陶喆 was the guest for that episode. never was i so mesmerised by him. seriously. suddenly i just found him so charming. haha! but yes, i also SUDDENLY fell in love with the lyrics of this song:

寂寞的季节 陶喆

风吹落最后一片叶
我的心也飘着雪
爱只能往回忆里堆叠
oh~给下个季节

忽然间树梢冒花蕊
我怎么会都没有感觉
oh~整条街都是恋爱的人
我独自走在暖风的夜

多想要向过去告别
当季节不停更迭 oh~
却还是少一点坚决
在这寂寞的季节

艳阳高照在那海边
爱情盛开的世界
远远看著热闹一切
oh~我记得那狂烈

窗外是快枯黄的叶
感伤在心中有一些
oh~ 我了解那些爱过的人
心是如何慢慢在凋谢

多想要向过去告别
当季节不停更迭 oh~
却永远少一点坚决
在这寂寞的季节

又走过风吹的冷冽
最后一盏灯熄灭
从回忆我慢慢穿越
在这寂寞的季节
还是寂寞的季节
一样寂寞的季节

you.

i really miss you. i think i cried myself to sleep last night. ah well.

so many things to do, so little time.

one after another

omg i so want to knock my head against the wall. how can the english of uni undergrads be sooooo bad?!!?

this sem is soooo damn screwed up.

please tell me a good reason to be happy. sigh...

i want 48 hours.

I WANT TO SCREAM!!!

too many things to do, too little time!

have been doing my prof's stuff for the last few days, and i still can't be very productive at it.

plus the many many other things to do for my modules.

this sem is a killer.

i want 48 hours a day. i'm SERIOUS.

i'm toggling with the idea of skipping the whole week of school just to get everything done, but i just can't myself to. if not i'll have a hard time catching up.

good thing recess week is coming.....

wish me luck man...

disillusioned.

i feel like talking to someone, but i just can't think of anyone.

i feel so lost nowadays, totally aimless, just doing my tutorials, readings and cases day after day.

i feel like meeting up with some friends, but i dunno who to call, or maybe dun even have time to do so.

it's been a long time since i felt such emotional emptiness.

and mum's retrenchment has kept me thinking for days already.

not helping that this semester is freaking screwed up.

not helping also that it seems my efforts this sem is not being recognised at all. i've been so much more consistent this semester, doing my work, studying in school so end up coming home late, etc.

but yet, all i get from my dad is 'how come she still got time to watch variety show and play games?'. do you know how painful it is? to painstakingly put in so much effort to do well in my academic, but yet, even before i can do so, my parents just stab me with such comments. makes me wonder whether i should go through all that trouble. i guess at the end of the day, i only have myself to prove to, but i can't help but want to prove to my dad that studies is not everything.

it's really demoralising.

when all you hear since young are naggings and complaints, you forget how compliments actually sound like. i can't even recall a time when my parents actually complimented me.

and when you're always the person saying 'yes' to others, and other people saying 'no' to you, after a while, you get tired of the world, you get tired of putting on a strong front. sometimes, i just wish i can hide in my own shell and do my own stuff, and maybe no one will even realise it.

why am i studying biz then?!?!

i shall be more thrifty.

my mum just told me that she's likely to get retrenched. somehow i thought my family would escape unscathed from this recession. but i guess probably not.

so that means being more thrifty from now on.

i dunno if i like the idea of my mum being a housewife, but i seriously doubt she'll be able to find a decent job at the age of 55. probably it's a good time to retire, but then again, dad is going to retire soon in 3 years' time, and bro and i would just have started work, with a lot of uncertainty and a low starting pay. and given our family expenditure, i wonder how we're going to survive the next two years (before i start work).

ah well, not like i can do anything about it now. i dun suppose my parents expect us to find a part-time job, and i just hope my income from tuition is able to finance most of my expenditure. and i really hope the email about the bizad school study award is true, cos that means at least another 3k, which prob will mean a lot to my family at this time.

i guess at least it's good that both my bro and i are undergrads already. this reminds me of like 5-6 years back, when my mum got retrenched also. it's not exactly a difficult time for my family, but i suppose it can be rather worrying. or maybe i just haven't felt the true impact of it.

anyhow, it's damn scary that it's already the end of week 4 of school already. have been so super busy these few weeks, doing tutorial after tutorial, case after case, reading after reading. i actually feel rather happy that i'm consistent this sem, but sometimes it can get really overwhelming.

and i'm actually rather glad that cai joshua and i are putting aside our weds just to mug. really makes me miss 6h times a lot. study play study play. but now instead of squash/bball/floorball/frisbee/handball, cai and i played this old school game called puzzle fighter. we were playing at fass bk, and played until they closed the whole place. power rite. that day i only ended up doing 3 qns of my math tutorial.

and i've been on the verge of falling sick for a few days already. my throat has been sore for the last few days, without a cough, or fever or flu. you know i actually hope to fall sick, cos i really just want to rest. but given my 'healthy' track record, and the fact that my wishes never come true, i think i should forget about it.

sometimes i think the only motivation for me to go to school is the fact that i can meet friends, whether arranged or unarranged.