empty bus, empty heart

i broke down on the way home just now. luckily there wasn't anyone around me in the bus when that happened.

i was alone in the upper deck of bus 51. it was 11.30pm when i board the bus, and the whole upper deck was empty until the bus reached clarke quay.

mum called to ask where i was. the whole convo went like this:

mum: where are you?
me: in the bus lor. just after telok blangah
mum: how come so late? then you never call us let us know.
me: you were the one who asked me to go home on my own wat.
mum: i thought you were going home when you called me at 9plus wat.

right...a few hours ago, i was asked to go home on my own. then i was scolded for not telling them before i go home. wow. so what am i supposed to do.

i feel really tragic. i feel as if nobody cares what time i go home, nobody cares whether i've eaten, nobody cares what i'm doing at any point of time. all these are so small stuff, but people who know me well enough know that i'm concerned about the small stuff that people do to you, not those stuff that are obvious to everyone else. in the past, i still yearned for this kind of independence, when nobody nags at me. but now, when you come home and everyone else is asleep, when you're tired after one long day of projects and you still get screamed at on the phone, when the house blacks out and you're the only one who has to scramble for a torch to get to the circuit box, sometimes you wonder what kind of life you're leading.

sometimes i really wish for some concern that comes with initiative. i'm tired of always asking, most of the time unsuccessfully, for concern, like whining to bro to fetch me or something to that extent. i'm tired of hinting to people that i'm unhappy, be it thru msn nicks or whatsoever. maybe even thru this blog.

and i guess it's also cos of the crazily busy schedule i have. i mean my projects are not THAT intensive, but they're definitely time-consuming enough such that i dun even get time to rest properly. just that i can't believe how easily i succumbed to the stress of projects this sem.

and didn't help that my gastric came on the way home too.

somehow i also thought about how useless i am. i'm always too timid to venture out of my comfort zone, eg like learning to swim, roller-blate, or more recently, to drive properly. it's just too hard to think about what uses i have in the world. like my purpose for coming into this world.

everyone seems to like to assume that i'm strong and always fine, when in fact i really think i'm just the exact opposite.

but, as i was thinking about all the above stuff, everything just pales in comparison when tv mobile showed the experiences of a man who had his leg amputated, and another kid who suffered from cancer. maybe life just wanted to tell me that i must learn to be contented.

真正的快乐

BR at kbox!


mel amy and i at "class" outing. HAHA!


cynli and i!


i love this shot leh...very sad jess not inside!!!=X


all the photos in this series are blur...=(

你不是真正的快乐 - 五月天

人群中哭着 你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了 你已经决定了

你静静忍着 紧紧把昨天在拳心握着
而回忆越是甜就是越伤人
越是在手心留下密密麻麻深深切切淡掉了

你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂挂在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了 于是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则不是你的选择
于是你含着眼泪飘飘荡荡跌跌撞撞地走着

你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂挂在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐 你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你坐着 却伤感着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了 然后再后悔着

你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂挂在永远锁上的躯壳

你不是真正的快乐 你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你坐着 却伤感着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了

你知道真正的快乐 你应该脱下你穿的保护色
为什么失去了 还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让配角全部结束在此刻 重新开始活着

the lyrics to this new mayday song is sooooo sad! heard it once on tv during the jing qu jiang, and fell in love with it already.

lunch with amy and mel at 'class outing'. shopped AGAIN lar. then went for dinner with cynli jess and ja! SOOOO FUN CAN! non-stop laughter with them seriously. haven't met them for so long that i sorta forgot how nice it is to be with them, cos they really can make you forget all your troubles. first time playing wii and it was SOO fun! though i really suck at it cos i dunno how the whole sensor thing works. the other three just peng-ed laughing at me.

quite a relaxing long weekend for me. now that i'm well-rested, i shall chiong my stuff for the next few weeks until exams. good luck to me.=)

i'm broke...=(

i've been spending HELL lots of money these days. spent away all my hard-earned tuition money.=(

- $21.30 dinner at marche with ja
- $148 at forever 21 with ja - 3 tops, 2 shorts
- $36 at some this budget store at aljunied mrt with mel - 3 tubes, 2 leggings
- $24 kbox with BR
- $10 cab fare to g4 cos i thought i was hell late

and not helping that i cancelled my tuition this week. for BR though, so quite worth it.=)

sigh i'm back to my spendthrift ways. i'm REALLY looking forward to taiwan though. think i'll really spend hell lot there. i shud just go on intensive tuitioning during the holidays. haha.

ytd was BR kbox after service ops project meeting at g4! fun fun fun! didn't get to sing most songs that i wanted to, but ah well, it's the fun that matters rite. BR people are seriously hilarious. dennis keeps screaming into the mike, daryk makes funny comments about the song lyrics cos he doesnt understand, kenneth's opera huo yuan jia was DAMN good, sarah's wa wa yin's ma de li bu si yi, hsien's surprisingly-he-knows-the-lyrics dong feng po, and of cos kelly's birthday surprise (not forgetting the absolutely weird birthday song in the background).

had dinner with the east side people, namely johnson luther daryk and sarah, at bedok 85! oyster omelette, stingray, chicken wings. had funny convos there too. (now we know what kinda stuff daryk likes to talk about that will make him yak on and on. i recalled suddenly that vivien said something about daryk not speaking in foc until he explained the dodgeball game.=P) i'm SOOO glad i have freshies like them. oh man...BR gatherings are always the highlight of the week. now that it's over.....there's nothing much to look forward to already.=(

kk i shall prepare for class outing already. class outing with only amy samuel mel and i. WOW. shall post photos another time cos mel's rushing me to get out of house. haha.



my desktop collage! my favourite photos of these few months.=)

i miss wearing uniform to school!

macro presentation was a success! we were all so afraid at first, but having put in so much effort and contact hours for this presentation, i guess the positive comments really justified (almost) everything.

and cos of our wonderful idea of wearing uniforms to school, i insisted on cam-whoring. prob no other chance to get to wear my rj uniform already lor.=X


fellow rj-cian!


i quite love this photo!


reversal of roles!


prof pam tsao!


dawn!!






2021!


our group!

for this project, we met on wed 12-8pm, thursday 2-6pm, fri 8am, and i slept at 4.30am to finish up my script and woke up at 5.30am on friday morning just to get to school. had ais meeting after the presentation, and i was totally in a daze. my lag time was at least 3 times my normal response time, and people (namely my freshies) had to repeat at least once just for me to understand them. i feel so bad cos i really didn't contribute much to my ais project, but ah well. luckily farah sent me home and i totally just collapsed on my bed till dinner time. long time since i had an afternoon nap sia. haha!

just wanted to say thank you to a certain somebody. you probably never know how your small action really touched my heart. for a while, i was really quite in a daze cos the niceness came as a shock. it sorta made my day...=)

jess says i must be happy, and i'll really try! REALLY!=D

wow this is really quite accurate (except for a few sections lar. but it's generally very true.) i'm amazed!! just by a few questions leh...

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

You value your friendships: 45%

You value your friendships quite a lot but you don't like to show your feelings to others. You would rather keep your feelings to yourself than share them with your friends. You might get a pleasant surprise if you are more open about caring for people - they will probably let you know that you're special to them, too.

Jealousy Level: 55%

You are a jealous person but you try not to let it show

You often get very jealous of others but you are successful at controlling your emotions publicly. When you feel that other people are winning things that you deserve, you get very upset, but you won't hurt anybody else by making a scene. Your jealousy is private. You might, for example, cry yourself to sleep at night when you get really jealous of someone.

放开自己

她说得没错， 我真的应该学习怎么放开自己，而不是像我现在一样，终日活在自己的幻想之中， 想着一些有够鸡毛蒜皮的事。 也许有些事我真的没有办法说不想就不想，但我会试着敞开胸怀， 把注意力放在学业上， 或其他的事。

也许不去想这些有的没的的东西对我来说会是种真正的解脱吧。 我越在乎的事， 往往离我最远。 再说，我可没有那种运气和力量去追逐我心里所想的事情。但我当然希望，幸福和快乐就在不远处， 只是它们总是与我察肩而过， 我好像也没有什么缘分来拥有它们。是时侯放下一切， 祝福别人, 安慰自己, 做个等待的人吧！还是我比较适合当修女? 哈哈!

我最近也有够衰的，嘴巴不知为何那么灵， 说到曹操，曹操就一定会在附近。 可我说的都是坏话啊! 你知道场面有多么尴尬吗... 又不见得这种'巧合'会在别的时候出现. 嗨!

最近总是晚睡, 脸上的豆豆都狠狠地教训我, 真的太多了吧! 好啦, 等忙完过后, 一定会补足睡眠, 留点后路吧!

让我洒脱一点, 学习如何顺其自然!

there's a reason why it's called GROUP work

i'm SUPER pissed off right now. AHHHHHHHH!!!!

can't you, at the very least, keep us informed when you've made the decision?!!? when things dun get done, and FINALLY i take time to get down to doing it, THEN you tell me someone else has already done it. THANKS AH.

hello, this is a group work. it's not supposed to be YOU deciding, YOU delegating the work, and YOU retaining ALL the info to YOURSELF. you know i dun mind doing it if you show some respect for others. when you need people to do things, you simply send them the stuff. so who are you treating us as?

i'm seriously damn pissed off. projects are really giving me damn huge headaches this sem. what's more with bad group mates. %$#$%#&^&*%%#

pls let everything be over soon. i just wish for time to really get down to doing my own stuff and not always covering for people and doing things that people dun want to do.

i can't wait for some relaxation and recreational time. sigh.

说好的 幸福呢

说好的 幸福呢 - 周杰伦

你的回话凌乱着 在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽 甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯 我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌 假作没事了

时间过了 走了 爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了 我哭了
离开时的不快乐 你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这 真的痛了

怎么了 你累了 说好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不说了 爱淡了 梦远了
开心与不开心 一一细数着 你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻 我都还记得
你不等了 说好的 幸福呢
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着 要怎么停呢

love this song from jay's new album.=)

projects are taking up hell lot of my time lar. sigh.

it's amazing how habits become a part of your routine in life. it's funny how i still read your blog even when i have no reason to simply cos it has already become a habit.

it's sad how you and i have nothing to talk about these days.

warped

i think i always have a very warped idea of things that are going on. sometimes, i'll be too sensitive and think too much of the things happening around me. yet at other times i'll just heck about whatever that is going on. but most of the time, i just over-read situations and end up getting myself miserable, for no good reason at all.

somehow i think i'm a horrible friend. i can't stand it when i'm concerned about someone but yet refuse to show it, when i have questions for my friends but refuse to ask, when i want to talk to someone but scared of disturbing him/her. i really think i'm quite an easily forgotten person.

i guess it's true when people say friends come and go. i wonder how many of my friends did i lose contact with already. if i truly want to meet up with my friends, how many can i even msg? if i suddenly want to go play pool, go kbox, go cycle, go watch movie, go study with, go shopping with, who can i ask?

i'm a loner who's scared of loneliness.

j told me something today that made me really reflect. like what i said, i think too much into things. and sometimes, she doesnt want to tell me stuff cos she's afraid i'll start to emo, which is true. and like, probably i really shouldn't expect too much. i know that when i dun have so high expectations, better things will come to me, but i just can't help it. maybe i'm just destined to remain alone. maybe i should just resign to seeing people be happy and feel happy for them instead.

life now is just filled with projects and more projects.
- service ops case analysis
- service ops backpacker project
- ais general ledger project which we haven't even started
- mis weekly tutorial presentation
- macro problem set 3
- macro presentation

mind you, these projects are only for 3 modules. sigh. in BR's terms, i should say, 'DIFFICULT LAR'. i'm getting a little influenced by them. haha. but somehow i dun remember being as stressed as them one year ago. my friends always ask me why i'm helping BR people so much and all that, but somehow i enjoy doing so, enjoy talking to them, giving them some help so they can do well, sitting at the usual place and chatting with whichever BR person that walks past, etc. was having dinner with hsien and vivien last night, reminiscing about foc. it's just 4 months ago, and it's amazing how friendships have built within the last few months. celebrated ming ming's bday ytd, and only 2/25 roses didn't turn up! amazing ain't it. we made such a din in the canteen, but it was just so fun.

i can sense things have started to change within the og, but nevertheless, i still feel comfortable with them. whether it's chatting with daryk johnson luther dennis sarah on monday lunch or whatever random lunch break they have, or with sherlyn and hsien along the bizad club room corridor, or with amelia, ellen, ming ming, kelly, yuan yi whenever i meet them, there's somehow always a sense of nostalgia, hoping that the whole og is around and we can start doing and saying random stuff. whenever i feel brain-dead during project meetings, i just have to go look for them and somehow i'll feel better instantly. i think the feeling of attachment to the og is really strong, and i'm amazed. i just hope things remain the way they are. i must say they take up quite a big part of my uni life now.

(i'm surprised how i dun really feeling anything anymore whenever i see your name pop up on my msn. of cos there's the habitual checking of whether you're online, but it has decreased quite a lot. my rate of recovery seems rather quick now. or maybe sub-consciously, i've stopped myself from sinking too deeply into my own thoughts.)

ah well. back to projects.

i wish

have you ever felt so much like talking to someone, but when you open your msn list, just can't find anyone to talk to? or when you take out your hp, type a msg, and realise that you dunno who to send it to?

i guess such things happen to me too many times. and then it feels really horrible when you finally found someone to talk to, and that someone, after a few exchanges, tells you, 'hey i'm sorry gtg. talk to you another day k'.

i'm not a talkative person. unless you talk to me, i dun usually take the initiative. that's not good i guess, cos when people want to talk, they also won't come and find me. sometimes i wish i could just speak my mind and talk to anyone who comes to my mind. i wish i dun think so much. and i wish i know what i'm thinking about.

sometimes it's not that i can't think of anyone to talk to. but when ALL your closest friends are attached, you really find it a problem just to talk to these people. yes i'm jealous. i envy these people for having someone constantly by their sides listening to them and looking out for them.

but when you end up just having to keep waiting and hoping for things that dun come, you do get tired, that you give up any wishful thinking. i hate it that the more you think about something, the more that something will repel away from you.

i want to find some sort of relaxation and get myself away from the madness of everything. but escaping isn't really a solution huh.

i wish i can just scream into some huge ocean or grassland.

a small gesture is always enough to brighten up other people's days. but why is it so hard just to give a little appreciation to the people around you?

screwed up

sigh even though i expected this, i can't help but feel really sad about it. how can i screw up the paper so badly? below average leh. what was i thinking during the paper? is it complacency?

seems like this sem is going to be horrendous for me. blame myself for being soo distracted the past few weeks. now that i've sorted out some of my feelings, i do hope i can really start mugging and dun allow my cap to drop THAT much.

i feel so pissed off with myself. why am i so easily influenced by my own emotions. i dun seem to be able to control my own mind right now. sigh.

didn't help that YET another very close friend is attached. i took quite a while to recover from the state of shock.

on a sidenote, i'm glad to find a friend who thinks SOO much like me. it's good to be able to tell someone stuff that he'll understand right away. at least dun need to explain that much. haha zhi ji.=)

稻香

稻 香

　　词：周杰伦 曲：周杰伦

　　对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
　　跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
　　为什麽人要这麽的脆弱 堕落
　　请你打开电视看看
　　多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
　　我们是不是该知足
　　珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

　　还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑
　　微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
　　不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
　　回家吧 回到最初的美好

　　不要这麽容易就想放弃 就像我说的
　　追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了
　　为自己的人生鲜艳上色 先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
　　笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的
　　让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
　　童年的纸飞机 现在终于飞回我手裡
　　所谓的那快乐 赤脚在田裡追蜻蜓追到累了
　　偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了 谁在偷笑呢
　　WO KAO着稻草人吹着风唱着歌睡着了
　　哦 哦 午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
　　哦 哦 阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
　　珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

　　还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑
　　微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
　　不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
　　回家吧 回到最初的美好

jay's new song. the lyrics is quite positive, and the 编曲 is simple, and that somehow brings attention to the lyrics, which i think is quite nice. of cos a lot of the childhood memories do not pertain to children in singapore, but can always use our imagination lar.

like how jay's songs always have a theme, and some sort of positivity and meaning. quite looking forward to listening to the rest of the songs in his album. heh.

spent the whole of ytd watching 篮球火, some new taiwan show by 言承旭, 罗志祥 and 吴尊. as usual, i got hooked onto it. within 2 nights, i finished 10 episodes of it, and waiting impatiently for the 11th episode to come out tonight. haha. the show reminded me of mvp 情人 which i watched twice a few years back, for the bball competitions, and of cos 斗牛要不要 which was more recent, cos of the 街头篮球. taiwanese seems to like bball shows quite a lot huh. actually i quite like such themed shows, introduce you to some of the technicalities of the game.

i seem to be returning to my slack life in year 1 sem 1, which i have no idea whether it's good or bad. after this week, i'm going to have a three day week already. but of cos i think i'll need to go back to school for project meetings, and prob to mug. home is totally not conducive, as long as i have my laptop in front of me, i can't concentrate.

ok time to get back to my work. still have tuition later. sigh.

disasters

i'm blogging during service operations seminar. it's always bad when you bring a laptop to class cos i couldn't really concentrate. =X

i wanted to blog about finance last night but i was too sian about everything to do so. finance went horribly horribly wrong. i know i probably didn't mug as hard as i could, and based a lot of stuff on memory, but still, it was a mathematical paper and i shud score well for it! i'm guessing i'll prob get only about average or below average score which i'll deifnitely hate myself for it.

i guess i just approached the paper in a wrong manner. as usual, i kept skipping questions. it was definitely a wrong move. shud have just stuck on each question till i get an answer. ah well. no point talking about this now rite.

anw, after the paper, i was so devastated that i kept whining and complaining. mel and i didn't want to go home so early, even msged hsien to ask if he was in hall, then in the end we just sat at yih and talked about everything. went home at like 11.10pm, but 151 was already gone. wanted soo badly to cab home but decided it was a waste of money. so took mrt home, and walked SUPER slowly. reached home at like 1230pm, sat in front of my comp and redid the finance paper. and guess what time i finished? 5am... can you tell how difficult the paper was...

sigh. i screwed up BOTH finance and ma mid-terms. i've lost all confidence in myself, cos my cap score seems to be the only thing that i can be proud of. prob my freshies will stop calling me ou xiang too...

i've lost my only worth...

horrible day

ytd was a really bad day. here are 8 reasons why:

1. my dental appointment was at 945am, i went in at 1030am. i dun usually wait so long lor. so i was done at 1115am. was thinking whether to cab to school, then decided against it to save money. (the dentist said maybe can remove by cny. HOPEFULLY! at least before my 21st)

2. the bus came late and i had to chiong for my MA paper after that.

3. almost got knocked down by a van while chionging cos i jaywalked.

4. while on the shuttle bus to src, it started raining SUPER heavily. was running in the rain after i alighted. what an unglam moment that must be.

5. didn't know all the MA people have already entered the hall. ended up waiting outside while the paper had already almost started. luckily dexter opened the door to check.

6. while panting and drenched from the rain, i tried to rush thru the paper, but couldn't do it well cos my mind was not thinking. didn't help that the paper was actually do-able. and it's 30%!

7. came back to biz. skipped finance lecture. then my gastric started and lasted all the way till 7pm plus after my lesson. was contemplating going home halfway cos it got really unbearable, but thought the finance tutorial was important cos he'll go thru a lot of stuff. and vivien would be alone if i zao-ed.

8. realised my finance cheat sheet was still with val so went to collect it from her. went back by bus 30 and it took SOOO long to come, and when it came, it was SOOO crowded. and then we passed by the paya lebar stretch with hari raya celebrations. i took more than 2 hours to get home lar.

on the way home, dennis and ming ming msged and told me about the ms paper. the paper sounded quite ok from what they said, so hopefully all of them did well! dennis is really funny lar. i think he types the longest smses from all the guys i know! and i think it's very nan de. heh. i REALLY hope he gets foc head! then i can be involved in some of the events. heh.=)

i think my day only got better when you talked to me.=)

realised i haven't updated about F1 so i shall upload some photos! i really enjoyed myself there. a very different experience i must say. from knowing nuts about F1 till learning quite a lot about the sport. it was really enriching and exciting. the angmohs around me all supported ferrari, so it was funny cos they jeered when hamilton got the fastest time ahead of raikonen then cheered super loudly when massa came in faster. HAHA!

my bro and i each bought a top! mine was at $49, while his was $70. but at least we didn't have to pay for the tickets. must really thank bei xian and aunt pearlyn.=)


the track was behind!


us at our grandstand before the practice session.


us looking like tourists at the F1 village.


yowie and i! was HIS idea to attempt to bite the ticket. but luckily he brought us around, if not we wouldn't even know where to go.


me with my ticket!


decided to cam-whore before re-entering for the qualifying race.


we agreed that the lighting was good!


decided to have my own shot then realised that i could actually just superimpose anyone into the photo cos of the space in the photo. haha.

ok. shall mug for a while before going for tuition. i really hope finance would be much better than ma. jiayou to myself!