i feel really alone in everything.
sometimes when you feel close to a person, maybe you're not after all. i think my idea of a close friendship is damn screwed up. maybe it takes time to nurture a friendship, but somehow it's not so easy. that's why i have so few close friends i guess.
then again, i really feel like i'm screwing everything up. EVERYTHING.
i never used to know why people can live knowing that people dislike you. now i know why, esp when put into such a position.
yes, as i say i dun care what they think of me, i can only pretend to be 洒脱，it hurts to know the truth.
but seriously, i know that whatever reasons i give for not being at the place will equate to excuses, which is why i dun bother explaining anymore. i am disillusioned. one part of me keeps thinking, 'why am i still going down when in any case they're going to say i'm not committed'. but of cos, i still have to be accountable to myself.
and then, there are family issues that of cos i won't bother explaining to everyone. it's impossible to please everyone.
maybe i should really just try to meet my own expectations instead of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. i'm sick and tired of trying to please everyone.
you know, i feel like getting someone to talk to but i really can't find anyone.
good thing there's only slightly more than a week left for now. if this goes on, i'm really afraid i'll break down even before school starts.
yes, i may be weak, and i'm not afraid to admit it. but if you're not me, how would you ever know if you won't be stressed when you're in my position?
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
what now
forgot to add in the previous post, my dad submitted his resignation letter to his company, so he's going to retire soon. well, i suppose our financial situation in the family can only get worse. forget about sep and whatnots now.
was talking to hsienyao just now about parents and their ever-paranoid state, thinking that we dunno what we are doing. sometimes i will try hard to recall what my dad and i used to talk about. now, i can't even imagine talking to him about stuff. i always imagined what a situation would be like if i meet my dad outside home one day. we might not even acknowledge that we saw each other.
(module-choosing is getting on my nerves. ibiza too)
thanks for the concern.=)
只要试着包容不完美，就能一切完美。
was talking to hsienyao just now about parents and their ever-paranoid state, thinking that we dunno what we are doing. sometimes i will try hard to recall what my dad and i used to talk about. now, i can't even imagine talking to him about stuff. i always imagined what a situation would be like if i meet my dad outside home one day. we might not even acknowledge that we saw each other.
(module-choosing is getting on my nerves. ibiza too)
thanks for the concern.=)
只要试着包容不完美，就能一切完美。
=`(
am seriously quite pissed and upset at the same time right now.
i really am trying to balance. but when one is physically demanding and the other one is mentally exhausting, there is an inevitable compromise in quality.
i'm no robot. if you think the combination shouldn't pose such a problem, then i'm sorry i have disappointed you.
maybe you have overestimated me. maybe i have overestimated myself.
it's worse when there are just small little things you do that NEVER ever get recognised, and all you get, are people showing black faces, dropping not-so-subtle hints.
i know i have disappointed, and i'm really sorry. but there is really a limit to my capabilities and i have to admit it.
the worse thing is that, when people are not obliged to do anything, and when they offer to help, the least you can do is to be nice to them. when you've scared off the people, even if you need damn a lot of help next time, nobody's gonna run to your rescue. people are not your slaves.
i really regret it. the only thing i've learnt so far is how to manage anger and suppression.
i want my own personal time and space.
i broke down in the bus just now. i really really can't take it anymore. it's all indirect arrowing. i'd very much rather the arrows come straight in my face.
i walked in the rain just now. i really didn't care if i'm gonna fall sick or not.
that's why i love my freshies. they really are the ones who have kept me sane throughout this whole period. special thanks to sherlyn for listening to my complaints, and for sending that sms that made me cry further, but that was cos i was really very touched.
there is a reason why i'd rather not stay there. sometimes it's good that he/she dun keep blaming others, look within yourself and reflect first.
i really am trying to balance. but when one is physically demanding and the other one is mentally exhausting, there is an inevitable compromise in quality.
i'm no robot. if you think the combination shouldn't pose such a problem, then i'm sorry i have disappointed you.
maybe you have overestimated me. maybe i have overestimated myself.
it's worse when there are just small little things you do that NEVER ever get recognised, and all you get, are people showing black faces, dropping not-so-subtle hints.
i know i have disappointed, and i'm really sorry. but there is really a limit to my capabilities and i have to admit it.
the worse thing is that, when people are not obliged to do anything, and when they offer to help, the least you can do is to be nice to them. when you've scared off the people, even if you need damn a lot of help next time, nobody's gonna run to your rescue. people are not your slaves.
i really regret it. the only thing i've learnt so far is how to manage anger and suppression.
i want my own personal time and space.
i broke down in the bus just now. i really really can't take it anymore. it's all indirect arrowing. i'd very much rather the arrows come straight in my face.
i walked in the rain just now. i really didn't care if i'm gonna fall sick or not.
that's why i love my freshies. they really are the ones who have kept me sane throughout this whole period. special thanks to sherlyn for listening to my complaints, and for sending that sms that made me cry further, but that was cos i was really very touched.
there is a reason why i'd rather not stay there. sometimes it's good that he/she dun keep blaming others, look within yourself and reflect first.
Monday, July 21, 2008
night cycling + makan noobs
been so moody these few days. quite a lot of bad things have been happening:
- i forgot yiwen's order on monday night. really felt so damn guilty cos she was sick and so hungry and....sigh.
- there have been hints that i'm a slacker
- missed bus 30 so ended up having to wait damn long for the next one
- overslept in the bus and had to walk quite far just to take another bus home
- realised that i haven't fully recovered from my .....
for some strange reason, i feel like i'm an outcast. it's one of the very few times i really feel i'm unable to fit in. sometimes i wonder if it's my own problem, or the rest have problems with me. you know, it's really a torture trying to not bother.
some updates:
night cycling was a BLAST. i really really enjoyed it. even though i wasn't talking to anyone most of the trip, it's really a refreshing experience to be on the roads with no cars, travelling from one place to another.
but we missed out simpang bedok cos we lost one of the keys to the bicycle locks. ended up spending two hours trying to search for the key on the grass patch, burning the plastic part of the lock to try to unlock it, and then spending 100 bucks to get a locksmith down at 4am. these are really memories that we'll remember long after uni, even if we dun remember the content of what we studied.
birthday boys! successful surprise!
girls with the two bday boys.
indoor stadium!
selegie!
end...=(
went for part 2 of makan noobs! went to pasir panjang (which was closed!), pgp, selegie (AGAIN!), maxwell and geylang. rather fun (though it got a bit frustrating towards the end). and it's really amazing cos the mode of transport is not just normal cars, it's LUXURY cars! at one point of time, it was 2 mercedes and 1 bmw. wow! who goes for a food trail on 3 luxury cars man! shall let the photos do the job.
the group at the start who met at rj.
jun!!! haven seen her for quite some time man!
us outside the bak kut teh stall!
us with two of the 3 luxury cars.
some interesting issues came up during the food trail:
- how did i become so lian? (started by poon cos he said i highlighted my hair and have two more ear holes=X)
- matchmaking attempts for yowie and i even after 3 years of unsuccessful matchmaking
- when am i going to get a bf? (this one's by cedric)
haha i shan't comment much.
parents booked a trip to taiwan at the start of next year!!!! wasn't exactly really excited cos it's soooo far away, but still, it's TAIWAN! somewhere i've been wanting to go since a few years ago, but never ever gotten the chance to do so. i really hope it doesn't clash with anything else. too bad it's only 6 days.=( and how i wish i can go with friends though.=X kk mai hiam buay pai!=D
- i forgot yiwen's order on monday night. really felt so damn guilty cos she was sick and so hungry and....sigh.
- there have been hints that i'm a slacker
- missed bus 30 so ended up having to wait damn long for the next one
- overslept in the bus and had to walk quite far just to take another bus home
- realised that i haven't fully recovered from my .....
for some strange reason, i feel like i'm an outcast. it's one of the very few times i really feel i'm unable to fit in. sometimes i wonder if it's my own problem, or the rest have problems with me. you know, it's really a torture trying to not bother.
some updates:
night cycling was a BLAST. i really really enjoyed it. even though i wasn't talking to anyone most of the trip, it's really a refreshing experience to be on the roads with no cars, travelling from one place to another.
but we missed out simpang bedok cos we lost one of the keys to the bicycle locks. ended up spending two hours trying to search for the key on the grass patch, burning the plastic part of the lock to try to unlock it, and then spending 100 bucks to get a locksmith down at 4am. these are really memories that we'll remember long after uni, even if we dun remember the content of what we studied.
birthday boys! successful surprise!
girls with the two bday boys.
indoor stadium!
selegie!
end...=(
went for part 2 of makan noobs! went to pasir panjang (which was closed!), pgp, selegie (AGAIN!), maxwell and geylang. rather fun (though it got a bit frustrating towards the end). and it's really amazing cos the mode of transport is not just normal cars, it's LUXURY cars! at one point of time, it was 2 mercedes and 1 bmw. wow! who goes for a food trail on 3 luxury cars man! shall let the photos do the job.
the group at the start who met at rj.
jun!!! haven seen her for quite some time man!
us outside the bak kut teh stall!
us with two of the 3 luxury cars.
some interesting issues came up during the food trail:
- how did i become so lian? (started by poon cos he said i highlighted my hair and have two more ear holes=X)
- matchmaking attempts for yowie and i even after 3 years of unsuccessful matchmaking
- when am i going to get a bf? (this one's by cedric)
haha i shan't comment much.
parents booked a trip to taiwan at the start of next year!!!! wasn't exactly really excited cos it's soooo far away, but still, it's TAIWAN! somewhere i've been wanting to go since a few years ago, but never ever gotten the chance to do so. i really hope it doesn't clash with anything else. too bad it's only 6 days.=( and how i wish i can go with friends though.=X kk mai hiam buay pai!=D
Thursday, July 17, 2008
jaded.
just finished another week of rag. time is passing so fast during the hols that it's really scary. sometimes i really wish i didn't take part in all the things i chose to take part in. yes i've learnt a lot, yet at the same time, everything is taking away too much from me. the key word here is TIME.
i'm jaded already. i just feel like not doing anything right now cos work seems never-ending. my productivity is going down by a lot. sitting at the rag site, trying to do ibiza stuff, this is challenging enough. you never know when the rest are going to point fingers at you scolding you for not committing to rag. i believe there are people already doing so behind me. i'd have been bothered by it in the past, but not now.
i think i changed a lot after coming to uni. became less rational, more instinctive, even not bothering what others may think of me. i dunno if it's for the better, but i feel like i'm not caring about the stuff that i used to think are important. it's so weird.
maybe As really did change my attitude a lot. the huge changes at home really did have a massive impact on me. sometimes i really can't stand my current self (not that i could in the past). i'm getting sick and tired of living up to expectations, trying to be someone better than i am right now.
the week had been fine i suppose. (have been running away from rag site last few days. horrible!) black rose came down on monday (with fewer people cos two were at dive camp, and i think 4-5 more at usp camp), then went to watch red cliff on tues (oh man i was quite lost during the movie but it was quite good lar), wed was welfare night in which a lot of black rose people came down too (plus yowie who came down to kill time. it was really hilarious cos a few people keep asking me 'are you sure he's not your bf?'. and we sorta exploited the use of his car lar. oops), and today, we failed at a mission (shall elaborate further IF i decide to later on). but after doing guard duty, i was soo tired i came home with daryk (who very nicely sent me home!=D), luther and melissa. settled some stuff and collapsed on the bed from like 3 plus to 7.30pm.
tmr will be a rest day and then night cycling with black rose! oh man it'll be my very first night cycling experience. i'm sooo looking forward to it! and a lot of people are going! fun fun.
makannoobs on sunday too!
i'm yearning for some time on my own to do some stupid things like watching variety shows. oh man. school is starting soon!!!!!
i'm jaded already. i just feel like not doing anything right now cos work seems never-ending. my productivity is going down by a lot. sitting at the rag site, trying to do ibiza stuff, this is challenging enough. you never know when the rest are going to point fingers at you scolding you for not committing to rag. i believe there are people already doing so behind me. i'd have been bothered by it in the past, but not now.
i think i changed a lot after coming to uni. became less rational, more instinctive, even not bothering what others may think of me. i dunno if it's for the better, but i feel like i'm not caring about the stuff that i used to think are important. it's so weird.
maybe As really did change my attitude a lot. the huge changes at home really did have a massive impact on me. sometimes i really can't stand my current self (not that i could in the past). i'm getting sick and tired of living up to expectations, trying to be someone better than i am right now.
the week had been fine i suppose. (have been running away from rag site last few days. horrible!) black rose came down on monday (with fewer people cos two were at dive camp, and i think 4-5 more at usp camp), then went to watch red cliff on tues (oh man i was quite lost during the movie but it was quite good lar), wed was welfare night in which a lot of black rose people came down too (plus yowie who came down to kill time. it was really hilarious cos a few people keep asking me 'are you sure he's not your bf?'. and we sorta exploited the use of his car lar. oops), and today, we failed at a mission (shall elaborate further IF i decide to later on). but after doing guard duty, i was soo tired i came home with daryk (who very nicely sent me home!=D), luther and melissa. settled some stuff and collapsed on the bed from like 3 plus to 7.30pm.
tmr will be a rest day and then night cycling with black rose! oh man it'll be my very first night cycling experience. i'm sooo looking forward to it! and a lot of people are going! fun fun.
makannoobs on sunday too!
i'm yearning for some time on my own to do some stupid things like watching variety shows. oh man. school is starting soon!!!!!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO!
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to norman,
happy birthday to you!
23 years old! there are just too many things that happened between the two of us. i suppose the kind of bond that we share for the past 21 years is something that cannot be easily destroyed. yes, we have our own weaknesses that we both have yet to overcome. but the best thing is how we overlook all these to forge such a bond.
thank you for taking such good care of me. i dun think you'll ever see this, but yes, i'm appreciative, despite the countless arguments, fights, quarrels, disagreements, etc.
cao ge
just came back from gary cao ge's concert at the indoor stadium. went with third aunt, mum and bro.
was totally touched by the following three songs. the lyrics are really those that go straight into your heart. even though i can't say i can relate fully to the lyrics, but i can just imagine.
无辜 - 曹格
也许这是最后的考验
当我再度遇见了你
是命运捆绑了我们
还是爱情相信了记忆
你的欺骗没有让我掉下眼泪
爱本善变的痛楚并非你的罪
爱是无辜的风筝
拉着最在乎的人
情已逝我还在
注定一个人流浪
爱是断线的风筝
挣脱一开始的梦
黑暗中一步步的坠落红尘
给不起的是你的天真
为了他你学会否认
不承认你给过青春
曾经爱过我的每一分
我多伤心宁成全你和他的吻
只好对自己的痛楚不负责任
爱是无辜的风筝
拉着最在乎的人
情已逝我还在
注定一个人流浪
爱是断线的风筝
挣脱一开始的梦
黑暗中一步步的坠落红尘
无法挽救的温存
我是残破的风筝
宁愿在遥远的天空
看你转过身决定去实现你和他的承诺
爱是无辜的风筝
拉着最在乎的人
情已逝我还在
注定一个人流浪
爱是断线的风筝
挣脱一开始的梦
黑暗中一步步的坠落红尘
也许这是最后的考验
当我再度遇见了你
-----------------------------------------------
刮目相看 - 曹格
告诉你我不是一个会认输的人
但我不得不承认
从跌倒失败
也曾经守在阴霾
不看不听不说不笑傻傻的发呆
难道我就被打败
多幸运有你
使我的生命充满希望
从今之后不在垂头丧气走开
所有人的期待让我站起来
甩掉了主败
从今全打开
我终于明白
fly 尽全力在飞起来
没有后悔不后退
我让你刮目相看
just fly
向世界证明我存在
努力过的汗水不断灌溉
美好未来
cause i can fly
yes i can fly
不看不听不说不笑傻傻的发呆
难道我就被打败
多幸运有你
使我的生命充满希望
从今之后不在垂头丧气走开
所有人的期待让我站起来
甩掉了主败
从今全打开
我终于明白
fly 尽全力在飞起来
没有后悔不后退
我让你刮目相看
just fly
向世界证明我存在
努力过的汗水不断灌溉
美好未来
cause i can fly
yes i can fly
fly 尽全力在飞起来
没有后悔不后退
我让你刮目相看
just fly
向世界证明我存在
努力过的汗水不断灌溉
美好未来
cause i can fly
yes i can fly
oh i believe
yes i believe i believe
oh i believe i can fly
-----------------------------------------------
世界唯一的你 - 曹格
是你
第一眼我就认出来
这是命运最美的安排
是我
让你过长的等待
我们只要现在深爱
幸福就来
恨我来不及参于你的过去
抱歉让你等待
我愿意付出一切交换
我灵魂的另一半
这个世界唯一的你
是我拥有的奇迹
对我说的一字一句
都是我们的秘密
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就是世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
过去所有的悲哀
都只是寻觅我唯一
勇敢真爱
照亮了漆黑的夜晚
寻找了一次一辈子
再不分开
恨我来不及参于你的过去
抱歉让你等待
我愿意付出一切交换
我灵魂的另一半
呜...耶....
是一个奇迹
对我说的一字一句
都是我们的秘密
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就是世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
....呜...哦...
我愿意付出一切交换
我灵魂的另一半
ho ...哦...
就算让我伤尽天理
我什么都愿意为你
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就是世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
you know sometimes i wish i was there with a special someone. even if the truth proves otherwise, or even if i dun have any memories to recall, at least let me imagine the ideal situation.
我就坐在那, 拼命的想要想起我的回忆。 但那不曾有过的回忆, 却深深的切进我心里。 难道这一种渴望真的是我永远也不能实现的吗？ 我不能接受这事实， 我也不想接受。 但事实摆在眼前，也许可以说是因为时机未到， 但我真得有点不甘愿。 我现在唯一能够做的，就是默默地等待。
i forgot to mention that i drove home from third aunt's place last night! 6th time driving. haha. but at least i managed to park with fewer tries. though my acute turnings up the slopes of the carpark are seriously horrible. not too good considering my p-plate is coming down soon. sigh.
was totally touched by the following three songs. the lyrics are really those that go straight into your heart. even though i can't say i can relate fully to the lyrics, but i can just imagine.
无辜 - 曹格
也许这是最后的考验
当我再度遇见了你
是命运捆绑了我们
还是爱情相信了记忆
你的欺骗没有让我掉下眼泪
爱本善变的痛楚并非你的罪
爱是无辜的风筝
拉着最在乎的人
情已逝我还在
注定一个人流浪
爱是断线的风筝
挣脱一开始的梦
黑暗中一步步的坠落红尘
给不起的是你的天真
为了他你学会否认
不承认你给过青春
曾经爱过我的每一分
我多伤心宁成全你和他的吻
只好对自己的痛楚不负责任
爱是无辜的风筝
拉着最在乎的人
情已逝我还在
注定一个人流浪
爱是断线的风筝
挣脱一开始的梦
黑暗中一步步的坠落红尘
无法挽救的温存
我是残破的风筝
宁愿在遥远的天空
看你转过身决定去实现你和他的承诺
爱是无辜的风筝
拉着最在乎的人
情已逝我还在
注定一个人流浪
爱是断线的风筝
挣脱一开始的梦
黑暗中一步步的坠落红尘
也许这是最后的考验
当我再度遇见了你
-----------------------------------------------
刮目相看 - 曹格
告诉你我不是一个会认输的人
但我不得不承认
从跌倒失败
也曾经守在阴霾
不看不听不说不笑傻傻的发呆
难道我就被打败
多幸运有你
使我的生命充满希望
从今之后不在垂头丧气走开
所有人的期待让我站起来
甩掉了主败
从今全打开
我终于明白
fly 尽全力在飞起来
没有后悔不后退
我让你刮目相看
just fly
向世界证明我存在
努力过的汗水不断灌溉
美好未来
cause i can fly
yes i can fly
不看不听不说不笑傻傻的发呆
难道我就被打败
多幸运有你
使我的生命充满希望
从今之后不在垂头丧气走开
所有人的期待让我站起来
甩掉了主败
从今全打开
我终于明白
fly 尽全力在飞起来
没有后悔不后退
我让你刮目相看
just fly
向世界证明我存在
努力过的汗水不断灌溉
美好未来
cause i can fly
yes i can fly
fly 尽全力在飞起来
没有后悔不后退
我让你刮目相看
just fly
向世界证明我存在
努力过的汗水不断灌溉
美好未来
cause i can fly
yes i can fly
oh i believe
yes i believe i believe
oh i believe i can fly
-----------------------------------------------
世界唯一的你 - 曹格
是你
第一眼我就认出来
这是命运最美的安排
是我
让你过长的等待
我们只要现在深爱
幸福就来
恨我来不及参于你的过去
抱歉让你等待
我愿意付出一切交换
我灵魂的另一半
这个世界唯一的你
是我拥有的奇迹
对我说的一字一句
都是我们的秘密
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就是世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
过去所有的悲哀
都只是寻觅我唯一
勇敢真爱
照亮了漆黑的夜晚
寻找了一次一辈子
再不分开
恨我来不及参于你的过去
抱歉让你等待
我愿意付出一切交换
我灵魂的另一半
呜...耶....
是一个奇迹
对我说的一字一句
都是我们的秘密
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就是世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
....呜...哦...
我愿意付出一切交换
我灵魂的另一半
ho ...哦...
就算让我伤尽天理
我什么都愿意为你
紧紧拥抱唯一的你
无可救药的坚定
就是世界与我为敌
我也愿意
我什么都愿意
you know sometimes i wish i was there with a special someone. even if the truth proves otherwise, or even if i dun have any memories to recall, at least let me imagine the ideal situation.
我就坐在那, 拼命的想要想起我的回忆。 但那不曾有过的回忆, 却深深的切进我心里。 难道这一种渴望真的是我永远也不能实现的吗？ 我不能接受这事实， 我也不想接受。 但事实摆在眼前，也许可以说是因为时机未到， 但我真得有点不甘愿。 我现在唯一能够做的，就是默默地等待。
i forgot to mention that i drove home from third aunt's place last night! 6th time driving. haha. but at least i managed to park with fewer tries. though my acute turnings up the slopes of the carpark are seriously horrible. not too good considering my p-plate is coming down soon. sigh.
Friday, July 11, 2008
negatively-charged
i suppose everyone has a love-hate relationship with loneliness.
LOVE because sometimes you just need the time for yourself, to think through things, to reflect.
HATE because most times you just want someone to be beside you, going through everything you go through, be it happiness or frustration or sadness or anger.
i walked through orchard today, in my 25th shirt, alone. that was how unglam, how pathetic. but somehow i didn't mind the loneliness. after being at rag site for two weeks, everything you do, you know that people are watching you. there's no time to do personal stuff. there's no time to feel happy, no time to feel sad, most importantly, no time to yourself. maybe that's why i appreciate loneliness now.
but yet, the loneliness is also magnified at the same time. or maybe i just dun fit in.
maybe it's not as bad as i make it sound like, but you know how blog tends to exaggerate things.
vivien said, niceness multiples when you dun expect it to come. it's true i guess. you tend to see people in a different light when you dun expect them to be nice to you.
inferiority sets in when you think no one will be nice to you.
they say opposites attract. somehow i dun agree. i'm actually more attracted to people who are similar to me and think of what i think. like i'll get excited whenever they say 'SAME!'. i suppose there are just too many people who are WAY too different from me.
but sometimes i'm really disgusted with my own actions. and i'm overly sensitive about people's actions.
(this is a random note: i really feel like not doing anything now cos i'm feeling SUPER sian.feel like throwing everything out of the window)
i'm really super glad my og is black rose. some of them just stayed up with me the entire night to do rag guard duty. even though they probably wouldnt see it here, but i really appreciate it a lot!
another driver in our og! congrats to hsienyao. was quite happy for him when he called after passing his test. 4 pts! multiply that by 4.5 to get my score. HAHA.
on another note, my body seems to be affected by my mood also. gastric comes and goes, my ears are blocked. ah well.
somehow, i have no mood to welcome the weekend. sigh. forgive me for being so negative.
LOVE because sometimes you just need the time for yourself, to think through things, to reflect.
HATE because most times you just want someone to be beside you, going through everything you go through, be it happiness or frustration or sadness or anger.
i walked through orchard today, in my 25th shirt, alone. that was how unglam, how pathetic. but somehow i didn't mind the loneliness. after being at rag site for two weeks, everything you do, you know that people are watching you. there's no time to do personal stuff. there's no time to feel happy, no time to feel sad, most importantly, no time to yourself. maybe that's why i appreciate loneliness now.
but yet, the loneliness is also magnified at the same time. or maybe i just dun fit in.
maybe it's not as bad as i make it sound like, but you know how blog tends to exaggerate things.
vivien said, niceness multiples when you dun expect it to come. it's true i guess. you tend to see people in a different light when you dun expect them to be nice to you.
inferiority sets in when you think no one will be nice to you.
they say opposites attract. somehow i dun agree. i'm actually more attracted to people who are similar to me and think of what i think. like i'll get excited whenever they say 'SAME!'. i suppose there are just too many people who are WAY too different from me.
but sometimes i'm really disgusted with my own actions. and i'm overly sensitive about people's actions.
(this is a random note: i really feel like not doing anything now cos i'm feeling SUPER sian.feel like throwing everything out of the window)
i'm really super glad my og is black rose. some of them just stayed up with me the entire night to do rag guard duty. even though they probably wouldnt see it here, but i really appreciate it a lot!
another driver in our og! congrats to hsienyao. was quite happy for him when he called after passing his test. 4 pts! multiply that by 4.5 to get my score. HAHA.
on another note, my body seems to be affected by my mood also. gastric comes and goes, my ears are blocked. ah well.
somehow, i have no mood to welcome the weekend. sigh. forgive me for being so negative.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
busy-ness
sometimes i wish i'm not so 理智, dun think so much about what i do and dun think so much of what others think of what i do. it's just hard not to care about others, but at the same time, it's getting really tiring trying to please everyone.
but well, i've so far been enjoying myself these days. 'busy' has been the word for me lately. it's an obligation, as well as an excuse, to escape from everything else.
on a side note, i'm wondering why people find it surprising that i speak mandarin at home. a lot of people have told me that they didn't think i'm one of those who speak mandarin, the latest ones being kelly and hsienyao on the way home from rag last night. but i always thought i portray a cheena image.
i totally enjoyed myself ytd. BR is amazing. there's no way anyone can not like them. i love their company, their randomness, their willingness to do stuff. ahhhhhhhhhh.....
i think i'm getting way too desperate.
but well, i've so far been enjoying myself these days. 'busy' has been the word for me lately. it's an obligation, as well as an excuse, to escape from everything else.
on a side note, i'm wondering why people find it surprising that i speak mandarin at home. a lot of people have told me that they didn't think i'm one of those who speak mandarin, the latest ones being kelly and hsienyao on the way home from rag last night. but i always thought i portray a cheena image.
i totally enjoyed myself ytd. BR is amazing. there's no way anyone can not like them. i love their company, their randomness, their willingness to do stuff. ahhhhhhhhhh.....
i think i'm getting way too desperate.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
masking
sometimes i like being alone, on bus rides, walking home, whatever. listening to ipod, and just thinking about nothing in particular. such sessions are especially therapeutic after a hectic week.
i do wonder how thick a mask i actually put on when i meet people. i dun think anyone can deny that he/she put on a mask, the only question is, how thick is your mask?
maybe that's why i like being alone, cos that's when you finally can take off this mask and let some ventilation to your face.
it's really tiring and trying putting on a mask everyday. it's like, everytime you meet someone, you have to be on this 'hyper' mode and start interacting with everyone. it's not that i dun like doing that, just that it gets tiring sometimes.
as years passed by, i stopped doing that. i am resigned to walking at the back of a group and simply following them. i'm just not a 'group' person.
there's this super tall psychological barrier within me that stops me from proper interaction with others. i'm quite a weird person i suppose.
i dun deny i yearn for people's attention and gets jealous rather easily. it's just cos i tend to compare a lot. it's just, hurting my ego and deflating a already-very-shrunken ego.
ah well. you know there's nothing that can stop me from being so pessimistic. maybe except one thing.
i shall move on to other topics. met my buddy tree ytd! it was a surprise for david and sadikin and for once everyone could make it! it was quite cool catching up, but yes there's always a generation gap.
then was talking to derrick about biz camp. suddenly i realised that due to the many rafflesians in our biz batch this year, my buddy actually knows quite a lot of them! just the three raffles guys in my og, he knows all of them! oh man. and it's amusing cos desmond told him how fun biz camp is, and my buddy didn't even realise we were in the same og.
listening to them talking about everything - inter-house competitions especially, made me wish that i was back in school. but too bad, i'm too old already.=X
and i can finally collect my phone tonight! i can at least reply and send smses much faster. haha.
rag for juniors starting this coming mon. quite exciting! but means another hectic week without a chance of meeting friends. sigh.
i do wonder how thick a mask i actually put on when i meet people. i dun think anyone can deny that he/she put on a mask, the only question is, how thick is your mask?
maybe that's why i like being alone, cos that's when you finally can take off this mask and let some ventilation to your face.
it's really tiring and trying putting on a mask everyday. it's like, everytime you meet someone, you have to be on this 'hyper' mode and start interacting with everyone. it's not that i dun like doing that, just that it gets tiring sometimes.
as years passed by, i stopped doing that. i am resigned to walking at the back of a group and simply following them. i'm just not a 'group' person.
there's this super tall psychological barrier within me that stops me from proper interaction with others. i'm quite a weird person i suppose.
i dun deny i yearn for people's attention and gets jealous rather easily. it's just cos i tend to compare a lot. it's just, hurting my ego and deflating a already-very-shrunken ego.
ah well. you know there's nothing that can stop me from being so pessimistic. maybe except one thing.
i shall move on to other topics. met my buddy tree ytd! it was a surprise for david and sadikin and for once everyone could make it! it was quite cool catching up, but yes there's always a generation gap.
then was talking to derrick about biz camp. suddenly i realised that due to the many rafflesians in our biz batch this year, my buddy actually knows quite a lot of them! just the three raffles guys in my og, he knows all of them! oh man. and it's amusing cos desmond told him how fun biz camp is, and my buddy didn't even realise we were in the same og.
listening to them talking about everything - inter-house competitions especially, made me wish that i was back in school. but too bad, i'm too old already.=X
and i can finally collect my phone tonight! i can at least reply and send smses much faster. haha.
rag for juniors starting this coming mon. quite exciting! but means another hectic week without a chance of meeting friends. sigh.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
black rose photos!
haven't gotten the chance to post all the black rose photos (did i mention that vivien took 1247 photos in all for the 4 days of camp?! 6.27GB leh.)
when i was watching the videos taken during the camp, suddenly felt a bit 鼻头酸酸的, really miss those days man.
BR during our supper after fright night on the first day.
BR ogl, aogl and councillors (minus val the fake freshie)
two amelias!
girls taking mirror shot! we took damn long to pose for this shot lar.
i like this photo!
sheares supper! i was half asleep during the supper lar.
daryk!
vivien and mel.=)
vivien! our bdays are only one day apart!
luther! one-half of purple lights in our og.=P
val!
johnson! the other half of the purple lights. heh.
yuan yi, who's damn talented at designing shirt. heh.
sarah! haven tasted her cooking yet!
dennis! the indon who reminds me of michael.
ellen! pageant!
vivien and kenneth.
sherlyn! best female freshie!
ming ming! drama queen!
kelly! fellow rj-cian.
daryk again, the FB stalker!
kenneth!
vivien, johnson, luther, mel, hsien yao (looks slightly like triple dates=X)
two amelias again!=)
when ellen was going to leave.
farewell to hsien yao
goodbye to hsienyao and amelia!
BEST OG!!!
BLACK ROSE!!
councillors wearing the t-shirts our freshies made for us!
awww.....the presents we made for each one of them.
us at bk transferring 6.27GB of stuff!
my food at borders bistro where we had our first dinner outing.=)
us outside cathay after having jap food!
vivien and emily!
us before having our ice cream at b&js!=)
还是一句老话，千言万语尽在不言中。 我真心的希望黑玫瑰能长久的保持这样的精神。
Thursday, July 3, 2008
what is wrong
i really have no idea why i'm experiencing bouts of gastric these days. it's not that i'm skipping my meals. i'm having meals at regular intervals somemore. it really spoils things you know. when people around you are chatting and having fun, but cos of the pain in your stomach, you can't bring yourself to have that much fun with them anymore.
i dun like to see doctor for it cos everytime i go to the doc, it turns out that things i see for are all over-reactions, ie it's nothing serious.
i dun even know if it's gastric. maybe i shud call it abdomenal pains. other than cramps (which shouldnt be so often anw), i really have no idea what else it can be other than gastric.
it's starting to bother me quite a lot. when the frequency is getting higher each day.
i wanted to come home last night to get medicine, but decided against it cos it was too late. in the end, i had to bear with the pain for a few hours.
during BR outing just now, while they were happily chatting and eating ice cream, my gastric came again and i just turned quiet (which i doubt anyone noticed anw). and to think i was trying to prevent it by buying mos burger milkshake before my dinner. seems like it didnt work.
what the hell is wrong.
BR outing just now was fun. just kept laughing like mad. i love the og cos we can seriously just sit down there and chat for a few hours straight.
but being a super non-cliquish person, i still face the problem of initiating convos. i really think they feel bored talking to me. ah well.
was in a reflective mood on the way home yet again. listened to all the emo chinese songs. chinese songs really do have a lot of them revolving round love. not that i JUST noticed it, but it only just hit me that i am really quite a sad case. sigh.
back to school early morning tmr. my gastric pls stop man.
i dun like to see doctor for it cos everytime i go to the doc, it turns out that things i see for are all over-reactions, ie it's nothing serious.
i dun even know if it's gastric. maybe i shud call it abdomenal pains. other than cramps (which shouldnt be so often anw), i really have no idea what else it can be other than gastric.
it's starting to bother me quite a lot. when the frequency is getting higher each day.
i wanted to come home last night to get medicine, but decided against it cos it was too late. in the end, i had to bear with the pain for a few hours.
during BR outing just now, while they were happily chatting and eating ice cream, my gastric came again and i just turned quiet (which i doubt anyone noticed anw). and to think i was trying to prevent it by buying mos burger milkshake before my dinner. seems like it didnt work.
what the hell is wrong.
BR outing just now was fun. just kept laughing like mad. i love the og cos we can seriously just sit down there and chat for a few hours straight.
but being a super non-cliquish person, i still face the problem of initiating convos. i really think they feel bored talking to me. ah well.
was in a reflective mood on the way home yet again. listened to all the emo chinese songs. chinese songs really do have a lot of them revolving round love. not that i JUST noticed it, but it only just hit me that i am really quite a sad case. sigh.
back to school early morning tmr. my gastric pls stop man.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
school shall be my second home
school shall be my home soon.
have packed up to stay one week in school.
so sad i stay so far away from school. ah well.
am getting pissed off at myself for various reasons for the past few days. post-foc is bad cos you end up reflecting when you have nothing to do. sigh.
good thing i brought my laptop along to entertain myself. haha.
meeting at smu last night ended at 1130pm. madness.
ah well. am so glad juniors are coming over to help from next week onwards. heh.
have packed up to stay one week in school.
so sad i stay so far away from school. ah well.
am getting pissed off at myself for various reasons for the past few days. post-foc is bad cos you end up reflecting when you have nothing to do. sigh.
good thing i brought my laptop along to entertain myself. haha.
meeting at smu last night ended at 1130pm. madness.
ah well. am so glad juniors are coming over to help from next week onwards. heh.
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