坚强 vs 逞强

had quite an interesting msn convo with one of my pri sch friends this morning. haven had such a frank convo with anyone in a very long time, esp with him since p6? he kept asking me very sharp questions that i myself dun think of most of the time. and kept shooting me with things like 'dun give me such answers. i'm sick of hearing them', 'i dun like politically-correct answers', etc. surprisingly, i wasnt too bothered by these comments so i just replied my honest comments.

but one thing that i really liked about the convo was how he just pointed out my weaknesses very frankly:
'you shud relax a bit sometimes, then maybe it'll allow a guy to get closer to you'
'just dun always put on the impression that you dun need anyone, show sometimes that you need some care also, maybe a guy will come to you'
'it's very obvious between 'attract attention' and 'need concern'
'you give me the impression sometimes that you are too busy helping people to help yourself'
'you know if you and me still keep in contact after primary school, maybe we'll be better friends'
'and see that's precisely your problem, you always give answers that are conventionally accepted to be correct which sometimes seem to people that you just want to do the correct thing even though you dun want to'
'maybe you think too much of what the world thinks of you'
'dun try too hard to fit in i suppose'
'dun you feel tired sometimes, always trying to do the correct thing, always trying to be a perfect friend?'
'do you honestly think we can talk like this after today? dun give me a 'i hope so''

ok maybe i am a fake person who complains that biz consists of many fake people. who am i to complain then.

i thought about the convo on my way to stardust outing this afternoon. as much as i know my weaknesses, i've never tried to work on them. i suppose i'm really quite used to being politically-correct. even when i'm out with ja jess cynli, they will sometimes ask 'why am i friends with amelia? she's not even crazy!'.

i really dunno why i'm so 放不开. even when i'm with my close friends. a lot of my thoughts just go around in my mind and nv ever come out. and this is from young. i dun even dare to talk to friends when i'm upset cos i'm afraid of disturbing them. but the ironic thing is i like to be disturbed cos it shows at least that my friends trust me. weird? i dunno.

and about appearing weak. i dunno. do i really appear too strong? maybe the fact that i was from an elitist school doesnt help at all. sometimes i just want to be normal and not called 'oh the rj girl'. it's definitely not a compliment at all. at least to me. i guess sometimes the respect does help, but seriously, i think i'm just a normal person trying to get the best out of my uni life.

生活真的有着太多的矛盾。有的时候我会厌倦当好人， 可是我却不能摆脱这个形象。 也许有的人会问，当好人有什么不好？对我来说，‘好人’的负担太重了。你必须全心全意地付出，却又不求任何回报。别人有求于你， 但因为你是好人，他们往往会把你的帮助当作是理所当然的。这样一个形象，也往往最容易被遗忘。 也许人就是不喜欢没有个性的朋友吧， 而我却很自然的落入那组人。 我讨厌自己没有个性，也很讨厌自己管腔的言行举止，但这种事也不是一朝一夕能改变的。可能我的朋友猜中了吧，这也许就是为什么我到目前为止都还没交到男朋友。哈！

received a response to my msn nick: 有时候不懂的人更能静静地聆听你超载的心. i really like the response. i guess that's another problem, i nv liked to talk to people i dun know well about my problems. ah well.

stardust outing was fun! kbox was good cos for once we didnt sing many jay chou and sun yanzi songs which are always the 必点歌. managed to sing some new songs too.=) but yeah, was quite surprised with myself that i was totally hecking my inability to sing and ended up being a mic whore (oops!), and i dun do that usually if i haven sung with the group before. and it's enjoyable cos for once, most people know the songs that i sang. so it wasnt so awkward. haha.

walked around for a while till we decided to settle down at starbucks. chatted till like 9plus. haha. well do hope that such friendships continue even after the event, so outings are essential. even though attendance was not too good today, but i honestly enjoyed myself.


the only group photo i have.=)

halfway thru kboxing, i received this sms that really made me super pissed off. not going to say what and why here, but i just hope people can be more responsible.

life is never beautiful huh.

proven

i guess the most important thing that i didnt mention in my last entry was how i managed to prove to my parents that i can juggle both studies and my own commitments. i tried so hard to keep the balance, doing my tutorials amidst the at-times-crazy schedule that i had. many said that stardust is a cap-puller, asking me why i joined stardust and so many other stuff, even saying that i was trying to climb up the ladder by doing so. i seriously dun mind what other people said, cos i only had one thing to prove to my parents: that i can still do well academically while keeping my commitments.

surprise!

results are out, and it's a far cry from what i expected right after i took my exams. just thought i wouldn't do well, since i was sick during the whole week of crucial papers. but i actually did really well for most of my papers, except the exam in which i had the most time to mug for - my ss. got As for fna, om and stats, b+ for legal and b for ss. surprising cos i was having fever when i took the fna paper. and i really thought i screwed up my stats too. ah well. really a huge sigh of relief.

told my parents about it and they were quite happy. first response was, which i totally expected, 'means the scholarship shud be able to get rite?'. ah well. i really hope i get it! but i really can't do anything if i'm not given cos nothing is certain. just hope i wont disappoint them.

bro didnt do too well, hope he's ok with it!

ssc meeting with wen kang, junda and ja just now. at least we settled something. walked around a bit with ja and saw benedict and kangya! talked to kang for a while. gosh really glad to catch up, even if that was just a few minutes. i haven been meeting up with friends this hols. sigh. haven seen mel and farah for sooo long. plus cherry whom we'll always have never-ending things to talk about. all my uni classmates too. 6h, softballers too! gosh.

ok at least it was a great end to my first year of uni!=)

countdown

about 13 more hours to the release of results. sigh. i really have no idea how i'm going to perform this sem, cos as much as i thought i understood the modules, everything didnt come out during the actual papers.

didn't really want to tell parents about my application for scholarship cos didnt want to disappoint them if i dun get it. doesnt help that i think the scholarship is very much dependent on this sem's results. but since i've told them about it, i'm really afraid that they'd be disappointed. sigh.

ja was wondering how come i'm so anxious about results. maybe it's cos i was in an elitist culture for too long that results become such an essential yardstick for performance even to myself. i suppose there's always this pressure not just within myself, but also within my family. boils down to expectations lar.

mum has been pushing me to join this standchart workshop thing. but it'll take up half of next week which i dun even know whether i can spare the time. ah well see how.

ibiza has been keeping me rather busy the last few days. have been trying to clear up the 'mess'. but i shant elaborate too much on this.

sometimes i really dunno how to help dylan. was talking to his mum on the phone for 1+ hour a few nights ago. heard about a lot of his stories and all. but i haven been a boy growing up in a boys' school somemore so how would i possibly know what goes on in his mind! sometimes i really feel quite sad for him, like what is his life centered on? i have no idea! as much as he's quite lazy and all, but i can feel that he's a good boy. you know i feel so guilty that his results arent showing much improvement. and yet his mum has already spent so much money on me. =(

and gosh you know i think even though my bro and i are not very close to our relatives, they're really very nice to us. i dunno how to say, but like they know that we're not so stable financially, so they'll use all sorts of indirect methods to help us. next time we'll really really need to thank these aunties/uncles/cousins of ours.

this is a rather pointless entry actually.

tears

as i was taking bus today, the places i passed by reminded me so much of our memories together. i miss those times. i miss such emotional reliance. i miss those small talks we had on the way home.

somehow i cant wait to be touched in the same manner once again.

and i wonder why he's taking such an extreme stand on this matter. i guess it pains me to see how a friend degenerate in this manner. sigh.

and everything just pales in comparison as i watch the charity show for sichuan earthquake. as i flip thru newspapers everyday after the earthquake, i'd sometimes skip thru the few pages cos i'm afraid of crying. it's amazing how countries unite cos of such natural disasters, and sometimes i'd imagine what i'd be thinking and what i'll do if such stuff happen to me, if i'm trapped under debris.

i really feel so lucky here in singapore. i really hope everyone will treasure and cherish people around them.

my family

i hate nights like this.

even though things turned out well, but the tension was nevertheless there, and you nv ever know what comes out of such situations.

but one thing i've figured out: there are many reasons that keep me from going overseas, whether it was for uni or whether it's for exchange. i did mention that i have no idea whether or not going on sep was purely based on excuses, but i've finally figured out.

to me, the million dollar question for the last year was answered. and i'm really glad that i asked it. even though somehow it came across to me that they feel i never put in my best for my studies.

i've always wanted to prove that studies isnt everything there is to life. i've always wanted to prove that you can juggle studies with everything else. but i failed miserably in jc, and that was how everything just went down from then on. i took on a different perspective in uni, wanting to concentrate on just my studies, but i couldnt. i still chose to take up many many commitments, which on hindsight, might have played a part in killing my studies (even though results arent even out yet).

many things i do are based purely on intuition. i never ever really thought thru why i wanted to take up mpp. i never ever thought thru why i wanted to get into biz. i never ever thought thru why i wanted to take up so many commitments and continue my uni life with a leadership portfolio. but as my family talked things thru today, my direction somehow became slightly clearer as i explained to them my rationale for doing the things i do, even though they might not really agree with them.

you know sometimes i do wonder to myself what is my exact role in the family. i know i've been slowly drifting away from everyone, esp daddy. but as i became angsty and started blaming everything on the entire family, it was only then that i realised, i am the truly selfish one.

everything i do seem to only concern myself and my own welfare. as i complain, it's never about others, it's about how i never benefit from something. even i am disgusted with myself.

i know that we are one family, and that sometimes there isn't a need to be so anal about things. and it's not like i dunno about my own family matters. but instead, i chose to do everything based on what i think is correct. i started becoming rebellious, i started not listening to advice, i started to ignore what everyone said, even if they were scoldings. i started becoming jealous of everything. i started to even question my family's love for me.

but i know, today, that i am the selfish one.

what made me touched today was how bro said he thinks the person suffering the most from his temperament was me, and how mummy was appreciative of my decision to not go overseas, not because of anything else, but simply because i had to stay behind to take care of everyone else in the family.

sometimes i hate myself for being the only healthy person in the whole family. but now i know how i'm actually in a much better position to take care of the rest by being so. financially, i wouldnt want to drain the family's money just cos of my own selfish reasons, and this became clear to me that this is one of the greatest reasons for not going on sep. no matter what daddy said today about not caring about the amount of money we have cos he can afford it, no matter how expensive it is, and it doesnt matter if he has to borrow.

i jolly well know that simply cos of my family medical background, his savings may be drained anytime. and seriously, if anything goes wrong, i'm in the best position to do any remedy work (at least i have a healthy body, or i would like to believe so).

you know one person ever told me that he thinks my family is dysfunctional. simply cos we never ever did communicate properly. but i think now that my family works in a amazing way. my parents are materialistic, and they judge us as being materialistic also, there isnt the kind of mental and emotional support that i wish i could have, but at least we're together. we have the freedom we want. and they trust us (not counting those times that they actually doubted my words). and we know, they feel proud of us.

my bro and i grew up with a very humble background. my parents are VERY thrifty (except when it comes to electrical appliances, but then again, one tv can last more than 10 years in my house, cos it just gets shifted from living room, to master bedroom to my room etc), they dun earn a lot so our allowance is humble too, and they have the typical kampung mentality that studies can bring you anywhere, and that money is king. we have a more or less typical patriarchal family.

i suppose that made my bro and i grew up very independently also. we developed very different sets of character that each gave my parents different sets of problems. i'm one with no opinions, so i get influenced by my bro very easily, even though i think the fact that i grew up being physically abused sorta deflated my confidence and ego by a lot, resulting in me being the way i am now. and the fact that i've been exposed to many fights and quarrels have made me slightly indifferent when such stuff happen outside of my home.

now, i just want to say that i really love my family a lot. my share of grievances will never be stopped, but still, i really appreciate them a lot.

to end off, this is a photo of my niece. we went ducktours together today and she's such a cute little toddler who's so active but receptive to everyone and never cries!

putting the blame

sometimes i wonder if i have chosen the correct path. you know i've been making decisions without thinking much about them. just purely based on intuition. as time goes on, when suddenly i realised i dunno what i'm doing, and that my personality is so not suited for biz, i'm starting to think more.

maybe i'm still unwilling to step out of my comfort zone. i've been giving myself excuses about not going on sep, but is it really only cos of money matters that i'm refusing to apply for sep? sometimes i feel guilty myself trying to explain to people my decision for not applying.

i still feel as though i'm a spoilt and childish kid insisting on my own ways and unwilling to accept fluctuation and uncertainty in my life. i feel as though i'm still trapped in my own small little world. all the talk about globalisation doesnt seem to apply to me. or rather, i chose to not let it apply to me.

on to another matter, i do hope cherry is feeling better. cherry, if you're reading this, remember i'll always be here for you k!=) 10th year of friendship! omg.

i can't stand people who, when things happen, blame everything on the situation or on other people instead of blaming themselves. sometimes, i really think most of the negative stuff that happen are cos of one's own actions, directly or indirectly.

for example, when you're late for an appointment, would you blame the traffic jam or the public transport system or would you blame yourself for not leaving the house earlier? when you break up, would you blame the other party or on other circumstances or would you blame yourself for not maintaining the relationship well enough? when you dun talk to your frens anymore, would you blame your frens or would you blame yourself for not initiating a conversation? when you get horrible academic scores, would you blame the teachers for setting a hard paper or would you blame yourself for not studying hard enough?

i guess the above are not very good examples, but my point is, we should look inward and reflect when things happen, and not simply put all the blame on others or on circumstances. of cos i'm not saying i dun do so, but i can say that more often than not, i'd tend to blame myself for simply not being good enough. i admit readily my weaknesses, cos i know there are many people out there who can do stuff better than i can.

but of cos, maybe that's why i lack the confidence in myself too. maybe that's how my inferiority complex came about. maybe it's the elitist culture that i was in for 6 years that cruelly showed me the many many qualities that i lack.

i can't wait for bangkok! (though sometimes i'll still feel a bit sian diao when i think of how i should be going taiwan instead of bangkok.=X)

空虚

今天在巴士上又想了蛮多事情。 记得newpaper曾经不止一次报道新加坡比较不为人知的恐怖恶劣居住环境。旅途中经过了一些地方， 就让我突然有种愧疚感， 鼻子也有点酸酸的。 可能我真的有点身在福中不知福。也许是人的本性吧， 对于自己的生活总是挑三拣四，羡慕他人拥有自己没有的， 却会一而再的忽略自己身边的人与事。

换种角度看这事，也可以解释成， 是因为这种不满，人才会有上进心。不管怎么样，对我来说，我的生活总是会有一种说不出的空虚， 而这种空虚，可能就是让我不满生活的罪魁祸首。

人总是很容易迷失方向， 我心里的指南针也可能一直在晃动。 我有点厌倦了生活的潮起潮落， 尤其在低处徘徊了好一阵子， 也不晓得何时能跳脱这种局面。 只好顺其自然吧！

突然想起了几个月前跟朋友的一个小争执。 我们在讨论为什么各自喜欢西洋或华语歌曲。 我的原因很简单， 不只是因为我比较习惯听华语歌曲，也是因为我觉得华语歌曲比较容易打入心坎里， 就因为我会把别人的经历套在自己身上。 换种方式说，华语歌曲比较容易带我进入那种意境， 然后想象歌词的内容， 再试着了解歌词的含义。有时候甚至会有莫名的感动，使人起鸡皮疙瘩， 而重复地播同样的歌。

就算是假期又怎样， 生活还是一样忙碌。 有种冲动想完全阁下所有的事， 给自己一些空间。 但我办不到， 只好硬着头皮撑下去。

STARDUST 2008 FINALS!

STARDUST FINALS 2008 was a blast! one of the most successful events this year i feel. just look at the scale of the event. it's AMAZING seriously. i'm REALLY REALLY proud of the whole comm. even though it was very trying especially during the auditions and the semi-finals period, juggling academic, stardust and ibiza, just to state the major commitments.

i nv thought i'd be involved in organising a singing competition. for this, i really have to thank meryl for pulling me into the comm. even though i felt really awkward during the first few meetings. i basically only knew meryl and vivien beforehand, and for me, it wasn't easy opening up to the many many strangers i see during meetings. it was only during semi-finals that all of us really got closer to each other and started working together as a whole comm. it's amazing how we managed to bond.

and then after a break for exams, we came together again and worked on the finals. it was really fun i must say. i nv ever regretted joining the comm, not just seeing how it turned out, but i really learned a lot from it. be it treasury, marketing or running an audition or even a ticketing booth.

maybe i shouldnt talk too much about the finals itself. just wanted to say that even though many of the winners were from nus, it was PURE coincidence. and i can really swear that it's accurate cos i was one of the few tabulating everything. i was a bit sad when i saw comments on our tagboard saying that we are biased, but we really were not!

didn't get to see the performances at all cos i was handling the ticketing booth. the queue was MADNESS i can tell you. i was so sad i couldnt find any other ways to make it better, and i'm sure we'd receive a lot of complaints cos of that, but nevertheless, like what meryl and norman said, it was a good problem. we, as a comm, never ever did expect such a queue. it was just like people queueing for freebies. and most of our tickets were sold out! we ended up having to buy so many more drinks coupons and scrambling to get tickets from each comm members. man...i can't describe how happy we all felt about the finals.


it was supposed to be only vivien and i in the photo.


shu ann, vivien and i!


shu ann! pro deputy director!


kexin during rehearsal


some of us with the contestants


inch!


class act!


us! heh. photo whores!=) i like this photo






look at the queue!


the top three soloists!


the voting boxes!


end of stardust 08!=(


thanks ja for coming to support even though she came just for the after party. haha.


vivien! who was sick during the whole event.=X


daryl, gilbert, vivien and i! DAMN funny people.=D


vivien shu ann and i were two crashers


kim! first person i befriended in stardust


heh a random comm photo which started only as a photo between huizhen and i


look at fred!


steph and huizhen (ticketing people!)


another random comm photo during the post-event party!


ling lee!




look at how the guys like to crash our photos


ja!


charles and guanghao who came to support! THANK YOU!=)


comm trying to mix the drinks

and some people got damn high after the drinks. my first time drinking so much in a club (or pub whatever it is). i was one of the few who didnt go to the dance floor, but could feel some sort of highness in me. i turned DAMN red super quickly, though i was perfectly sober. then everyone was laughing at me.=X gosh. thank goodness meryl's mum sent yizhe, daryl and i home. if not cab fare would be a disaster. and so reached home at around 230am, came online, uploaded photos and emails started coming in. and i just collapsed on the bed.


look at how red i was. my mirror is so dirty!

YAY! one down!=) but i'm really proud. one of my most memorable project comms i was ever in. now time to rest before bangkok, foc and rag. woohoo!

(i didn't want to say this but anyhow i was quite traumatized trying to drive and park just now. goodness. how am i ever going to drive alone. why am i so lousy at it!)

buddy dinner ytd. nv fails to make me feel stupid cos i can nv connect with the various topics they talk about. elitist talk maybe. ah well. but it was good catching up anyhow.=)

stardust accounts to do. NIGHTMARE i tell you.=X

holidays so far...

oh man i can't believe i took so long to post all these photos up. =X went to sentosa with ja cynli jess on monday. weather scared us for a while, but when the sun came out, it was great fun with them. from sun-tanning, to frisbee, then piggy-backing in the sea etc, haven been out in the sun for super duper long, so it was great! ok shall let the photos do the talking.=)


haha guess who sun-tanning

cynli!


heh ja was the cameraman


now i'm the cameraman


ja!


heh ja was doing something to her camera i think


now this is hilarious!


haha!


outside the toilet while jess was packing up


while ja and jess were buying ice cream!

photos now courtesy of ja!

one rare four-persons photo


ja and i were playing in the sea. heh


jess and i at our dinner place.=)

following that, we went to jess' house to nua. always fun to do that! left her place at 11 plus so it was the whole day out. but i enjoyed myself!=)

next day was meeting the entire day. morning at ssc, and then night ibiza gm at smu. am so glad things are going better than they were a few months ago. just that it's a mad rush for marketing now. it's a bit scary cos everyone puts a lot of expectations on us. and i could feel so much tension during the meeting. ah well. hope things will move on more smoothly from now onwards.

oh and i FINALLY cut my hair. though might have have a lot of difference lar, but i kinda like it. a bit shorter and feels much lighter.=)

wed was shiseido talk followed by cutting of voting slips for stardust. gosh it was so horrible cos we didnt have enough people. hope they managed to resolve the problem then. THEN it was karaoke-ing at jocelin's house! oh man it was soooo fun. songs are not say very very new, but at least it's quite updated! but didnt get to sing all the songs that i chose cos of time constraints.=X but it was really fun. it's FREE and the quality is good! gosh so wish i could have a karaoke room like that.=(

ytd was another day out, but at least managed to catch ironman with mum and bro! been SOOO long since i stepped into a cinema. i have a sad life man. and then FINALLY bought our hard drive too! gosh.

ok and stardust!!! the day we've all been waiting for (heh not so exaggerated, but hey i've really been looking forward to it!) it's THE day when all our efforts will be recognised and all. oh man. half-year project leh. but a bit sad cos our comm only managed to warm up to each other during semi-finals. ah well. REALLY hope everything will go smoothly today.

haven been selling my tickets though. dun like to force people to go for the event. i'm just glad that quite a lot of people had expressed interest in the tickets even though i wasnt publicizing much. and special thanks to xinyi who cant go down later but msged me! i'm really quite touched how some of my frens are showing support and buying the tickets even though they might not even know the organising comm and not even in nus.

kk i shall go prepare for the busy day ahead!

council outing

council outing at ministry of food.

i miss rj

考完了!!!

EXAMS OVER! =D

i just had to type that out twice rite. heh. somehow i nv felt so happy in a long time. the excitement of a three month holiday made me feel SUPER relieved when i handed in that two lousy essays of mine, but in my mind, i was telling myself, 'everything so lousy already, what's one more lousy module'. FINALLY i learnt how to be optimistic, in a not-so-good way. haha.

had a great dinner with yowie last night to celebrate my end of exams. he kept saying i was damn happy cos i kept laughing. but seriously, it's a good thing to celebrate. heh. dinner was paid by yowie, and it was damn hilarious cos we got lost trying to go town from nus. and he said we must get there before the end of the jay chou's cd, and even though he cheated by replaying tian tian de, we STILL didnt get there before the end of the cd. haha. did i say he drove there using his blue bmw? haha he was so excited about driving that it's really funny.

finished off the day by watching all my variety shows. HAHA!

things to do:
1) plan for bangkok
2) stardust
3) ibiza marketing
4) foc
5) bintan?
6) rag
7) kbox
8) SHOP
9) meet up with friends!
10) clear my room's mess

very obviously, the 10th point is to fill up space. but it's true! i shud clear up my table AND PUT AWAY THIS SEMESTER'S NOTES!=P

and you know when i looked at the photos that were posted onto the twentyfifths' blog, i felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia that i started to think back on everything council-related. from council camp, to the oath, to match supports, to inter-house competitions, to orientation, to singing of school song with the flag in the middle, suddenly, i REALLY miss rj. i miss those times when everyone around me had that passion for the things they do, i miss how everything we do, we do it cos we love the school (as cliched as it sounds). like there was the responsibility, there was the 'burning passion', there was the adrenaline rush everytime we stood in front of the school leading in match supports. sometimes i really feel like going back to match supports to cheer our hearts out for raffles once again.

but i know it's never the same again. as we grow up, somehow, i dun see the same passion. i dun see the unity anymore. i nv was very bonded with the 25ths, but i feel attached to rj. everything (other than As) was a good memory for me (or maybe it's selective memory, but still).

sigh, i wish i can go thru two years of jc life once again. in uni, i just feel so restricted. everyone's 'matured', and you can't go crazy anymore. you can't just hang around the council room and start playing squash or table tennis. like i can nv do the same things that i did in jc. oh man. why do people have to grow up.

why must i have a paper ytd evening. then i could have gone back and experience all that once again. i really really miss it...

songs i've been listening to:

那些女孩教我的事-品冠

要不是你让想念猖狂打破天窗
我不会发现枕头上的荒凉
以为你就是故乡
却变成我的流浪
谁的傍晚是谁的天亮

十九八七六十六亿人同时狂欢
五四三二一个人倒数孤单
回忆的拥挤广场
假装你还在身旁
就像你最爱依赖我的肩膀

第一行诗的狂妄
第一首歌的难忘
第一次吻你的唇 你的倔强
第一颗流星灿烂
第一个天真愿望
第一个诺言 美丽的荒唐

你教我爱的善良
你教我恨的野蛮
你教我忘记该忘伤心太伤
那些你教我的事
让思念更苦更长
只想问 想念的 想念的 想念的你 怎么样

爱情是信仰或只能是旅途风光
那女孩带我漫游一次天堂
你教我怎么爱上
却没教怎么遗忘
让我的阳光都变成了泪光

麻雀-郭静

我坐在屋顶上哽咽湿了春天
想念在风和叶之间粘着昨天
阳光穿过了你的脸
在最美丽的云上面
像我识破你的谎言
当我爱你在最强烈

霎那间爱情不盼也不再鲜艳
我们等不到花盛开的季节
我还不了解你说的抱歉
是对不起我或甜蜜的从前
亮的天在我想你转眼变黑夜
我是来不及回家的麻雀
绕一圈一圈沿着你的脸
希望天黑以前飞出想念

眼泪要带着你彻底被风干
如果飞断了翅膀
让我掉落在天堂

小太阳-五月天

多么难忘 是你纯真的模样
突然的吻 弥漫着茶香
多么向往 梦想总是在他方
你说等我 不管多漫长

你就是太阳 蒸发了彷徨
所以挖开土壤 种下希望
离开了故乡

看着你的眼眶 忍着泪 闪着光
我会很快回来 继续我们 未完的天堂
看着你的脸庞 微笑着 要我去闯
你的盼望 是我握在手中 小小的太阳

念念不忘 此刻应该是农忙
如画风光 有你在歌唱
你就是太阳 照亮了方向
你让地球旋转 月亮发光
让我有翅膀

看着你的眼眶 忍着泪 闪着光
我会很快回来 继续我们 未完的天堂
看着你的脸庞 微笑着 要我去闯
你的盼望是我 握在手中 小小的太阳

看着你的眼眶 忍着泪 闪着光
我会很快回来 继续我们 未完的天堂
看着你的脸庞 微笑着 要我去闯
你的盼望是我 握在手中 小小的太阳

看着你的眼眶 忍着泪 闪着光
我会很快回来 继续我们 未完的天堂
看着你的脸庞 微笑着 要我去闯
你的盼望是我 握在手中 小小的太阳

one last paper

just noticed it's my 200th post. wow.

the past week has been pure MADNESS. four papers in six days. not that i haven been thru worse, but when everything that you haven studied for are cramped into one week, then that's really called craziness.

fna was disastrous as mentioned in the previous post. and so are legal on tues and stats on fri. legal wasn't TOO bad, and om was ok too, but none of these papers felt the same as when i stepped out of the exam hall last sem for all my papers (except marketing lar). felt so different. for EVERY SINGLE paper, i stepped out knowing what i could have done to secure more marks. wth. seems like my aim of cap >=4.5 is unattainable, as much as everyone around me tells me that results arent out, so why am i worrying so much. but i cant help it. it's not that i'm scared of not doing well. it's just that i feel i didnt do the best that i could for all the papers.

went to see doc on wed, after one year of not doing so. medicine doc gave seemed to be stronger med, cos i got better after eating it for one night. but of cos my condition sorta worsened a little on thurs cos i refused to eat my medicine that day, for fear of not being able to concentrate for the next two morning papers. ah well. i think this shud be the first time i fell sick during exam time. sigh.

and ytd i slept the least amount of sleep i ever had before any exam - 3 hrs. forced myself to reread thru all my om notes after meeting raheem at the playgrd near my house cos the first three papers were just too bad. so have to rely on om to pull my grade up. HOPEFULLY i get reasonable grades for all lar. ah well.

now that all my core modules are over, i feel a sense of loss. i feel like i can celebrate already, yet i dun want to start celebrating even before my last paper. but i have no idea what to do/study, so i end up in front of my laptop. next three days will be pure ss mugging. wow.

i'm gonna miss 28th invest. argh.

i suddenly thought about how disillusioned i am about friendships in uni. on bus journeys, i keep thinking to myself how 'disappointed' i feel about some friends i made in uni. not that i'm in a position to actually BE disappointed, but i realised how i actually overestimated so many people
and thought they were 'good' friends, but time has proven otherwise. and that some are just putting on a mask, and if that's obvious, it's really bad.

i keep thinking that some friends are not worth making. sigh. when have i become THAT untrusting of people around me.

one last paper before freedom, before play, before meeting frens, before ibiza, before bangkok, before foc, before rag. i shall survive and be disciplined.

effects of medicine have taken place, i shall go sleep now. night.=D