disaster

i cant describe how pissed off i am with myself. whatever happened to the confidence i had about fna. i'm not giving myself the excuse that i was having fever when i was doing the paper.

i really dunno what the hell i was doing during the 2 1/2 hours. i dun understand why i could have done the whole paper at such a slow pace. i dun understand how i didnt see i had to add certain stuff into the cash flow statement. my balance sheet didnt balance, and neither did my cfs. so i have no idea where my marks are gonna come from.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

it's only the first paper and i'm already crying over it. it's the paper i have the most confidence about. now, i really dunno how i'm gonna do for the next few papers. i really feel that my cap will just drop like nobody's business. and i'm supposed to do well this sem!

argh.

mug

i realised it's so much easier to blog about sad things than about happy stuff. somehow i just think that blogging about happy stuff makes me feel like i'm very superficial, while blogging about emo stuff makes me think otherwise. ah well.

i dunno whether mugging has been successful for the past few days. i just dun feel exams coming yet. maybe i'll start to panic in a few days' time, but for now, i'm still kinda taking my own sweet time.

stardust article out on newpaper today! doesn't seem like the ideal content, but ah well, it's publicity after all.

i still can't keep my comp away from myself. facebooked for a damn long time today. ahhhhh...

my family dynamics is so weird that i can't describe. 家家有本难念的经. sigh.

你是我的眼

总觉得自己很肤浅。不是那种只会看表面的人， 而是除了读书和领导方面有些成就外，内心其实是一片白纸。 我对艺术一窍不通，除了平时喜欢听华语歌之外， 对运动又是那么不执著， 只喜欢玩罢了。又不会跳舞，也不会唱歌，更不是一个温柔的女生， 根本一点都不讨喜。 身在一个传统的家庭，也不欢迎或接受外国的文华，终日看的只是一些无聊的综艺节目和偶像剧，只会把自己关在一个我自己设的框框里面。 本身又比较慢热，不积极，不狂放，也很闷。

可是我知道这些又如何呢？我好像从来也没有真正想走出这个四方格。 但我很珍惜身边的朋友， 不善于表达的我，也不懂如何感谢他们。可是，我很贪心，只会守株待兔， 就是希望朋友会自然而然保持联系。 对朋友的期望很高，对他们的一举一动有时候又太在意， 好像永远也不满足。我多希望我的个性会比较直率，没那么拐弯抹角。

这学期一转眼又不见了，时间到底到哪里呢？

礼拜四被蚊子叮到整身都是， 真烦人。

该读书了。。。

我好像从很久以前就想把这首歌的歌词放在这里了。

萧煌奇-你是我的眼

如果我能看得见
就能轻易的分辨白天黑夜
就能准确的在人群中牵住你的手

如果我能看得见
就能驾车带你到处遨游
就能惊喜的从背后给你一个拥抱

如果我能看得见
生命也许完全不同
可能我想要的我喜欢的我爱的都不一样

眼前的黑不是黑你说的白是什么白
人们说的天空蓝
是我记忆中那团白云背后的蓝天
我望向你的脸却只能看见一片虚无
是不是上帝在我眼前遮住了帘忘了掀开

你是我的眼带我领略四季的变换
你是我的眼带我穿越拥挤的人潮
你是我的眼带我阅读浩瀚的书海
因为你是我的眼让我看见这世界就在我眼前
就在我眼前

真得很感人的一首歌，真的教人想珍惜身边的所有人与事物。 我根本无法想象我失明的日子。

to listen to you breathing

anyone interested in go-karting at bintan/johor during the hols? we're looking for people to go together with. was talking to ja about it. then way before this mel farah yong'an raheem and i were discussing too. i soooo wanna go! exciting.=)

had a great dinner with ja just now. it's been a long time since we really sat down and talked about lots of random stuff and about people and ourselves. even though we're always seeing each other in school, but for the past few weeks, we've just been so caught up with work that we seldom got to sit down and talk like that.

even though we spent $30+ each on jap food at sushi tei and ordered as if we had all the cash in the world on us (ok not that exaggerated). we were discussing about interesting topics like who would be ideal for us to bring home for dinner. and how we control our emotions (or lack thereof). you know i think it's so amazing cos i feel jess ja and cynli really brought me out of my own world. somehow after being in a competitive environment for so long, they made me see many other things other than simply doing well in academics. no matter whether it's about people or about other things *ahem* that we always talk about, they just have the ability to 'see thru' me and tell me honestly what i shud do rather than simply indulging me in my own thoughts.

anw ja was trying to analyse how my emotions work. basically, the scale is "happy - laugh - normal - cry - sad". means that 'happy' and 'sad' are the two extreme emotions that i seldom feel. but i laugh and cry very often. when i laugh, i might not be happy. and when i cry, i might not be sad. haha might not be easy getting whatever i just typed, but well, i think it's rather true.

i yearn to find a guy who can think what i'm thinking, and predict what i wanna say and do next correctly. i think such connection is damn hard to find. but seriously, i dun think many people actually even do that.

sometimes i think i'm losing my humility. we were talking about fna marks and then zj went, "heard you scored very well for mid-terms ah". then i went, "yar lar but how you know?" argh. how the hell did i come up with such an answer. sigh.

i always thought it's amazing how people recognise me as house capt. i dunno, maybe like what val and mel said, people always rmb their seniors. but sometimes i doubt the significance of my existence then as house capt. i mean of cos i feel flattered that i'm rmbed (hopefully for the good things that i've done), but i nv thought that so many years down the road, people will still rmb.

fna handed in! left with om presentation, which i totally loathe cos it's the LAST presentation of this sem, during the LAST lesson before exams, and we're the LAST group to present. and not helping that i totally hate presentations. can't believe we're reaching the end of year 1...

and my sleeping cycle is totally screwed up. slept at 11.30pm ytd when i was supposed to edit the fna report to send to val. and now, it's already 145am and i'm still awake. i can feel my body weakening man, especially while having gastric in the whole afternoon. but i've been eating damn a lot actually. ah well.

T-A-G!! 60% of the 25ths who went back for council camp.

some damn good sushi at sushi tei. damn cute rite. heh.

Lifehouse - Breathing
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what i'm gonna do when i get there
I take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
Its where i wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And i'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God wish won't you
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel
And break these caluses off me one more time

Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside of your door
And listen to you breathing
Its where I wanna be, yeah

Oh i don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting for
The scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
La da da da...
Cause i just wanna be here now

Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
Its where i wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be

Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
Its where i wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be

i think it's the first time i post english lyrics on my blog. haha.

buddy line!

welcome olivia, yan sheng and zadikin into our family!=D

i have no idea who's above ming jing.=X

it's ever so amazing to go back to council camp being a senior.

i saw so many of my buckleans sec 1 when i was there. can you imagine how old i felt. luckily derrick was there.=P

11 people of my buddy tree were there, so we had loads of people having lunch together.

so many people recognised me as buckle capt, interesting!

bangkok trip with jun is confirmed! i'm sooo excited over it!=D mum, bro and aunt cat will be going too.=)

it's so funny how xiu jing, minghui and wen kang all asked me to concentrate on my studies. not like i'm neglecting it. i just...dunno where to start. and tri-uni is kinda giving me headaches also. ah well.

one more week to study break.

two more weeks to start of exams!

JIAYOU!=D

for jun..

farewell to rjc...

after a stayover at jun's...

us at grad night...

in the cab after sending someone off at the airport...

jun at her bday surprise...

before jun flew to uk...

jun..i miss you. it's been around 7 months.

sometimes i wish you could be around to tell me what to do and where to go when i'm lost.

but i'm really happy to see you pursuing your interests in london and get to go travelling so often.

i'm sure we'll have loads to catch up after 8th june.

to tell each other our lives ever since 15th sept 2007.

i can't wait for bangkok too.

and singapore flyer.

and future stayovers at your place.

from now till then, i shall work hard and look forward to an exciting june.=)

reception

i'm blogging in school! have reached school very much earlier ytd and today. i like school early in the morning cos there's nobody around and you can do whatever you want, sit at whatever table you like. heh.

anw just wanted to blog about what i was thinking about on my way to school just now.

i was thinking how as people get older, we become selective about who we get near to. somehow, we have a higher chance of discriminating people based on their colour, religion, race, looks, the way they talk, the way they present themselves, etc. like there's a certain type of people whom we will embrace and feel like getting closer to, but there's also another type of people whom we, whether sub-consciously or not, avoid dealings with.

i was just looking at how a young caucasian girl being very close to her asian domestic worker. i remembered myself being very close to my maid(s) in the past. like somehow when we're younger, we're more receptive to the people around us. we're less selective as to the people we approach. we're more trusting of people. we're less critical about people around us.

even though as a young kid, i was very dumb and clumpsy, i was stattering even at the age of seven, i was wearing oversized and rubbish stuff on me and look so unglam.

but at least i was more innocent. sigh.

reasons

on the way home from school today, i was in my usual reflective mood again, and here's the result of my thoughts:

10 reasons why i'm still unattached (not in any particular order):
- not chio
- not rich
- not confident / inferiority complex
- dunno how to dress up
- too guy-ish / 'cor lor'
- disproportionate figure
- dun open up
- appear too strong
- no opinions
- too coward

ok i'm like falling asleep in front of my comp AGAIN. this is bad!

come and go

have been so tired the last few days i haven been myself. been whining and complaining so much to people around me. been describing about how bad my days are to everyone around me. it's really horrible, cos i feel everyone's days are equally bad, it's just whether you complain about it to others or not.

i drove from spottiswoode to nus today! well cant say i'm proud of myself cos traffic was so clear, but considering i haven driven for 5 months, i suppose it's quite ok already. of cos i still rather being driven around, but i guess i can't really waste the money that was spent on attaining my driving license. =X it's just been so funny cos yowie has been driving around so much after getting his license but my standard is currently stagnant. and i've been complaining so much to him these days i really pity him. but he just flew to india today.=X

projects are driving me nuts these days. went to school for fna project ytd, and then stats project today. and cos of these two projects, i have crazy sleeping times for the last two nights. fri night i reached home at 12am, napped from 1.30 to 3am, woke up to do fna project questions, slept at 6.30am, and then woke up at 8am to get to school. sat night i wanted to do stats project stuff, in the end i fell asleep at 12am, WANTED to wake up at 3.30am but slept right thru my alarms and snoozes and woke up at 7am. WONDERFUL.

oh and i went for the sdu, ssc, ycm etc talk on fri. inspired me to want to improve ibiza. was telling wk how upset i am about the whole organisation. then went on to talk to ja while on the way to town and she added a lot more stuff. in the end, while waiting for her at starbucks, i ended up typing one long document to wk as a follow up. i think they'd get a shock if they read the document. if i were them, i wouldn't even know what to do. but oh well, i really felt the drive to want to make ibiza successful.

i miss you jun.=( i can't wait for 8th june! and 17th june! oh man. you know luckily it feels like time is passing so quickly, if not i think i'd make myself sad everytime i think of our times spent together last time.

it's amazing how things are slowly slowing down cos of exams. it's so ironic cos as everyone is busy preparing for exams, i feel a huge sigh of relief cos as some people say, exams is a good excuse for everything. things will slowly come to a standstill and i think i must really catch up on my rest when the time comes. too bad i have an om presentation on my last day of school during the last lesson of the sem. oh well. i'm still looking forward to it.

you know sometimes i think how bad friendships in uni are. it's so transient in nature. you think you have made good friends during this period of time when you work together, but after that, the friendships never get a proper "follow-up". there are just so many people whom i actually feel like knowing them better, but my pride always stops me from doing so. "they may be very busy and think you're wasting their time". i'm just waiting for them to talk to me. but i know, from experience, that it's useless. maybe that's why i appear to have a lot of friends, but in actual fact, when things go wrong, when tears are dropping, i never ever know which number to call or msg, or which msn window to open.

is that really the nature of business people? sometimes i feel like i'm slowly dropping into that trap as well. i guess i'm slowly opening up, but i feel like i'm more evil as time goes by.

and i'm jaded. REALLY jaded. as much as i dun want to admit it.

i wonder how many people actually do read my blog, other than the regular taggers. then again, what am i thinking? i dun think whatever i'm writing here will actually make people want to waste time reading my entries. it's just not worth it. and people are not interested anw.

loner

庆幸有你爱我
作词:张乐声 林倛玉(林毅心)
作曲:林倛玉(林毅心) 演唱:蔡淳佳

失去和拥有 刹那的感动
人生有时候像一场梦
醒着的时候 睁开了双眸
不如意的很多

朋友和情人 来的来走的走
反反复覆寻寻觅觅为了什么
要多少时间才 能够了解
其实有你就足够

握着你的手走过快乐和难过
黑夜白昼我们都曾经拥有
人生是没有定律的一种节奏
不如用心去感受

快乐的一刻胜过永恒的难过
黑夜过后就有日出和日落
两个人走不会寂寞
每一刻都会珍惜都会把握
庆幸有你爱我

失去和拥有 泪水和笑容
人生有时候像一场梦
累了的时候 闭上的双眸
谁在回忆上游

多少的朋友 来的来走的走
聚散从来都不给任何的理由
转过身以后 才忽然感受
你一直都在背后

握着你的手走过快乐和难过
黑夜白昼每个人都会拥有
人生是没有定律的一种节奏
不如用心去感受

快乐的一刻胜过永恒的难过
黑夜过后就有日出和日落
两个人走不会寂寞
每一刻都会珍惜都会把握
庆幸有你爱我

握着你的手走过快乐和难过
黑夜白昼每个人都会拥有
人生是没有定律的一种节奏
不必在乎得太多

快乐的一刻胜过永恒的难过
黑夜过后就有日出和日落
只要和你一起度过
人生没几人懂我 懂得把握
庆幸有你爱我

i really miss you.

i'm getting real tired of doing things. i need a reason, whatever the reason is. i need something that eventually tells me what i'm doing is right; i need someone to tell me i'm going in the right direction.

i can't stand lonely nights. they made me think of the past, the present, and the future. i think i'm just not good enough.

i'm crying for no reason again. i need to escape somewhere. i need to get away from all these piling work and go do something else. but how?! it's the sense of helplessness again. i feel so horrible inside, yet i cant express everything.

why does no one ever hear my cries? i need a saviour.

blame no one

"im too afraid to look weak, to look like im a person loaded with problems when im sure everyone around me is facing something just as bad or worse. i don't wanna talk to people cause it always makes them feel lousy that they cant help.it's silly how i'm always so caught up in my own problems."

sometimes you find better expression of your feelings in the words of others than your own.

and sometimes i just cant find the right person to talk to.

i'm very tired. mentally and physically. but who am i to complain? i wanna do well in all my commitments, yet it drains so much energy from me. i came home just feeling super sian and not wanting to do anything. as i said, it's the consequences of my actions. i have no one to blame except myself.

happy aprils fool! i got fooled TWICE today. once by yowie, the other by zj. damn good. i still felt so sad for zj lar. in the end he just said happy aprils fool. =X wah lau cheat my feelings only.

kk for once i shall sleep earlier.