What happened after?

Immediately after last night's post, I sat down and read my post again. I felt my emotions simmer down and I was rational again. I felt a little silly for getting ruining our weekends over something so small, it must really be because of ___.

I took my phone and texted you. I thanked you for being calm, patient, cajoling me with hugs and kisses (the way I liked) and told you it was just me putting up a stubborn front for the sake of being upset. I told you that I enjoyed the weekend with you and I was really happy. After sending the text to you, I felt so much better. 

I learnt alot from you yesterday, it made me seem so little.

Thank you for having a big heart, it reminded me that it was one of the many traits that I love you for. We, humans have so much pride and ego in us, I wished we have slightly lesser of that. Or I wished that I can put it down faster during my non-rational times.

You make me proud to call you my partner, close to half a decade together and I'm still learning from you every single day.

It was suppose to be a good day

Today was suppose to be a good day, at least that's what I thought.

Everything started off well, we had fun.

You told me to wake you up in 30 min but I saw how tired you were and let you sleep for 1.5 hours instead. My tummy rumbled from no brunch except a cheese bread and asked you to wake up.

We went out to the nearby mall looking for food and settled for Sushi Express. We created our own laughs, talked so much on the way and I felt immensely happy even though we were just walking looking for a barber to cut your hair. We talked about how wandering about the neighbourhood easily made us so contented and we got your hair cut. You looked dashing as always.

After a phone call, everything spiralled. I was upset, I complaint but still suggested splitting the errands so that we could get it over and done with. Went back, you tried so hard to cajole me like always and I tried hard to stay mad. We painted, or at least I did. You did a small painting and lost inspiration you said. But you sat next to me and continued watching me. I took a short break and laid in bed with you. Things quickly got back to normal. We were doing silly antics, talking about future kids' names (we said a girl and a boy would be perfect), I challenged you to do certain tricks and the room filled with laughter again.

What followed after should've been all good but it didn't. Sunday didn't end off well.

I wished for the day to start all over again, so I'd have the chance to make everything alright and not ruin an almost-perfect weekend. I guess these are all part of a relationship but funny enough, today's negativity stemmed from external factors.

For the entire way home, the only thought I had in mind was "What should I do to not allow today's incident to repeat itself?" But I couldn't generate any ideas, sigh I really hate ending the weekends like this. One thing I was thankful for was how you'd always remain yet so calm while I was burning with emotions inside. We are like ying and yang, balancing each other well. I guess over time, we both know the roles to play when each of us aren't in the best of moods. I'm really thankful for that and am very thankful for you.

"It will get better," you texted. 

Yes it will, it always gets better.

Now, I really want to redo Sunday so that we can usher the new week on a high.

He is my comfort

I'm not sure if you see what I see - comfort, genuine happiness, security, bliss & of course, love.

Sometimes when we're lying in bed, sharing about our past week and other random topics that pop into our heads, I'll turn over and look at Kai's face. I observe the facial features and little details of his face like how he has a small mole(?) on his right cheek, the short stubbles growing when he forgets to shave, that one strand of nose hair that sometimes cheekily pops out hahaha. I look at Kai and wonder, "how do two strangers cross paths and find each other and love so deeply?" Funny isn't it. 

He was once a used-to-be stranger. We live in different areas. We were never from the same class. But somehow we crossed paths. We loved, we left, we fought, we cried, we were mad, really mad at each other but I guess we were also mad about each other. I often wonder how I can love a stranger so deeply and have this huge amount of love for him. Funny isn't it.

But right now, he is my comfort. 

Maybe the love articles from Thought Catalog were right about one thing - if it's meant to be, it will be. Love can be the simplest of things, just like snuggling in bed and taking photos. Or maybe even fighting the zzz monster when Kai's had a long day to send me a goodnight text (he will always remember to send the red heart emoji teehees). Love is you. Love is the effort we constantly put in to make things work out for us when it doesn't. Love is the heated conversations we have when we have differing opinions but we still respect that it is okay to disagree on certain things. Love is the stress we face from time to time when we plan for the future ahead. Love is the scary moments we face together towards an uncertain future ahead. Love is when you hold my hand so tight to assure me "we will pull through this just like how we have for every milestone in this relationship". Love is not only the good but also the rough times. 

And at the end of every day, I'd still choose to do this love with you.

Too much negatives

Hello 2018. It's been a long time, a really long time.

Coming back here was an idea I toyed with for quite some time - Dec 2017 till today. Typing out here feels foreign yet it was once so familiar. Being on this space feels way different than being on Dayre but somehow it feels safer here. Knowing that nobody (at least thats what I think) comes here anymore makes it extra safe and I feel relieved. 

Not denying but I still pop by here every once in awhile to revisit old memories and to laugh at how silly I sound years back. So many precious memories and experiences all captured here. Perhaps, maybe, I'd like to make a comeback. Typing things here are very different from Dayre's content. It feels like I can do more deep-thinking over here (typing on the keyboard does contribute to all that hahahah). Now one thing that I am deciding is - if I should pour out my thoughts, even the littlest, the positive, the negative, the dark ones, the troubling ones in this space because doing that out here makes me feel like I am parading nude HAHAHAHA. 

Other feasible options the I've considered so far:

1. New Blog. 

Pro: It will be private to prolly myself  & Kai. Can have all my thoughts out loud.

Con: It will be a hassle to create something new because I'd like to have them all in one space.

2. Rekindle writing in a journal. 

Pro: VERY VERY private. I can talk about anything and everything.

Con: But I know that I talk wayyy too much, my hands will hurt writing too much and I'd like to incorporate visuals in my entries. And I know that I will prolly give it up in time to come when I am swamped with assignments and I will be wasting another notebook.

Not too sure if I will be here on a regular basis but I'd love to. If there is time.

Before I end off, I'd like to reflect about the weekend which unfortunately didn't go as per what I visualised over the past 5 weekdays. Why? Because of my negative bubble.

I am defo not a fan of negativity, I think it sucks my energy dry. It puts me in a really bad mood and it makes me dwell on it. I think it is a list of unhappy, stressful events that added up this month and it accumulated and finally, I think I couldn't find the energy to churn out positive vibes to get rid of the bad. School started this last week (yes, quick update: I'm in Uni right now) and my first ECE class was just loading my mind on info, info and info. Not acad content but like admin matters which were really unorganised and messy. It didn't help that after lessons from 8.30 - 11.30 and prac seminar from 1.30 - 3.30, we attended a summer exchange programme briefing which made my head hurt even more because all I was thinking about were the expenses of the trip.

Ever since poly and work, Finances has always been a big headache for me because I am financially independent since poly. Not that my family is poor or having financial difficulty, but purely because my parents opted for a tough love approach to teach their "spend-thrift" daughter (they view me really badly in this aspect only because they are super thrifty) how to manage her finances. Which though made me suffer so much even till now, but I gotta admit it really did taught me how to manage my finances. So ever since then, I paid for phone bills, transport fees, insurance, daily expenses, skin care, shopping, my 21st, grad trip, braces all on my own. Basically everything except household bills etc. So now you know why finances are a big, annoying headache.

I was worried how I was gonna pay for it since I'll be going to Melbourne for 3 weeks hols, potential overseas school trip next June and of course still having to settle bills. I wasn't too sure if my parents would pay for an overseas exchange programme. So it just got me really stressed up and dead tired. Kai being my safe haven, I was looking forward to meet him on the weekends but we didn't exactly start the weekends on a good note hahaha. 

Then it began. 

To make things clear, Kai and I have never argued in a dramatic manner, no shouting and what not. We just talk, sometimes in an upset tone. We get frustrated. I cry a lot (he'll say a lot is an understatement) but we still talk things out. Usually, we snap out of them pretty quick and 'start anew', few moments later, we can be laughing at how silly we were. But this time, the negativity stayed.

I passed the negativity to Kai, who was trying his best to cheer me up and it hit him pretty bad hahaha. Oops, my fault hehs *sheepish grin. It got slightly better till we started talking about the near future - after Kai starts work and part-time degree after ORD. He pre-empted me about having lesser time together and how he'll need more space to do what he needs to do. I, on the other hand, didn't take this well because I am a sucker for spending tons of time with Kai. I'm as sticky as caramel. and it prolly wasn't the right time to tell me that hahahaha. I started thinking of the worst case scenarios and got so worried how we wouldn't have time given my soon-to-be pack schedule.

In short, we did end the day on a pretty good note. We talked more when I was more logical instead of emotional. We talked about how the negativity happened - the root cause of it. What was going on for me, why was I so worried etc. 

Thinking back on Saturday, I prolly could've avoided wasting the day if my mind was stronger. Our minds are really really very strong thingys hahaha. They have the ability to decide the mood of the day. I wished that I was more logical than emotional. I wished that I snapped out of it faster so that we'd have a longer happy Saturday. I wish I was stronger to step out of my comfort zone. 

Negativity really isn't a good thing. In January, I felt that negativity had robbed my positivity which I am full of. No doubt that everyone will have bad days but I think we shouldn't let it dwell and affect the people around. From today, I want to churn and radiate more positivity. January has seem to hit my year's worth of negativity quota. It's time to make good use of this powerful mind of mine.

Side note: 2018 will be another trying year, one which will defo push me outta my comfort zone in terms of time with Kai. I will not like it, I will  detest it but I will still try. Already am feeling scared and uncomfortable by the thought of it, that's how scared I am but for us and our future, I need to try. yikes.