Dear Mom,
Where do I start?! Perhaps I will start where most stories start, at the beginning. However, I will keep in short. When I was a little child, I looked at you and thought you were the prettiest thing I had ever seen. You made me pretty too. I watched you as you got ready each morning. Literally sitting by the bathroom door, starring.
I watched you put on your makeup and then do your hair. We lived a simple, but beautiful life. Although, I'm not sure that's how you saw it. We lived in an apartment and both you and dad worked full time. I spent countless hours on my own. I know this is not what you wanted for me, but I want you to know, I was happy. Looking back, I see now that we didn't have much, but to me we were the richest people around. Those hours that I spent alone, made me who I am today.
You were successful in all that you did and I wanted to be just like you.
You could plant a garden that was so beautiful and decorate a room that would make people stop and sit to enjoy. The parties you threw we're grand. You were respected at work and in our community. You made things look easy. How do I know this?! I've tried to do half the stuff that seemed easy, guess what?! I can't do them. You have tremendous talent and those who know you, can see it. You found beauty in all things, perhaps because you HAD too.
Your childhood was far from beautiful. I don't know all the stories, but the ones I know make my heart hurt. Perhaps, these experiences have made you who you are today.
But, as time passed us by, I grew up. We drifted apart. Far apart. I thought I knew better.
We fought... and I rebelled. We grew further apart. We both said and did things that we can't take back. I felt regret. I felt a void. A void that should never come between a mother and a daughter. As time went on, we eventually got to where we rarely spoke. And, the words that we did speak were full of venom, and we went for years without saying I love you or even a friendly hello. At this point, I felt I had something to prove. What?! I don't know. I became successful. That success came because I saw how you did things. We may not have been talking, but I remembered what you taught me. Not through words, but with your example. I remember what I saw. I kept you close in my thoughts and heart, but at a distance in life and in person. I will admit that there were times where I thought I hated you. How very wrong was I?!
Life went on and I had my own family and we still, limited our time together. Maybe we are too much alike?! Maybe not. Whatever the reason, the only thing we lost was time. Time together, time to laugh, cry and rejoice. Then you moved. Far away. I cried. I told Dad that I didn't want you both to leave. Which is funny, because I didn't ever take the time to drive 25 minutes to your home when you were here in Utah. Now I have to board a plane. I took having you near for granted.
You came from NY to Mara's baptism. Thank you. No, really. Thank you. I will have to admit that I was nervous having you stay at my home. Nervous for a lot of reasons. Will you like me? Will my home be comfortable? Will the chaos of my life be overwhelming? Will you love me? Will you love my children? For so long I have prayed for a connection. One that we have not had that since I was small. My prayers were answered. You came, you stayed, we laughed, we talked, I apologized and then I cried when you I watched you walk into the airport. I realized that the time I spent fighting you all these years, could have been spent loving you and accepting you for you. We both tried so hard for so long to make each other someone that we are not, when in fact, we are both wonderful the way we are. You now live far away. I don't like it and neither do my kids. I want to thank you for coming. Thank you for teaching me and making me who I am today. Thank you for coming into my home and playing with my kids. Loving them, accepting them. They think you are wonder woman, and so do I.
I miss you. I love you. I am sorry for all that we have been through. I am sorry I have judged you so harshly. I am sorry that I threw away time. I am sorry for the mistakes that I made. I truly believe that we cannot be forgiven of our own sins until we forgive others.
I am excited for the future. I'm happy that we talk, everyday. I am happy that my kids love you so much that they can call you Gramma now, instead of Gramma Cindy. Thank you for loving me even when I made it hard. Thank you for being you.
Love always,
Kelly
Good times on You tube!