Christmas...

It snowed at home. A perfect white Christmas. We missed it and my heart aches. Christmas in Hawaii feels different. It's not bad, just not the same. The kids have loved every second here, but they asked today if when we come back to Hawaii, that's it's not at Christmas time. Even Santa is different. 

Social media made it hard on my kids. They woke up in a hotel room while others were posting Christmas trees, cookies, family and friends. Again, it wasn't bad. Just different. When we do come back, it won't be at Christmas time, kids... I promise. 

What they don't know, is Christmas is waiting for them at home under our tree! 

Things aren't always as they seem...

It's 2:38AM on Christmas Eve. Hawaii time. I can't sleep. I have been tossing and turning all night long. I need to get stuff out of my head, or I may go insane... Which sadly is nothing new. But, here we go anyway.... I don't sleep much anymore. It's not this time change. I love Hawaii time. It feels as if you have more time in the day to just soak in the fabulous noises of the ocean and smell the incredible flowers that bloom year round. 

It doesn't feel like Christmas Eve. At all. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of summer and this whole year has been one crazy blur and believe me, I don't want to go back in time to this year. This Hawaii trip has been wonderful and in a lot of ways, much needed. We have seen so much and done some incredible things. I'm cherishing everyday I have. There is just one problem. Brandon is sick. Very sick and no one knows why or how to deal with it. I think we were hoping the disease wouldn't follow us here, but it has. His disease is a long story that one day I will try to go into detail about for my blogs sake, but I can't wrap my head around that right now. Eosinophilic gastroenteritis. It's an ugly auto immune disease that no one, I mean NO ONE knows what to do with. They can diagnose it, but that's about it. Basically, after a full year of various treatments he is getting worse, not better. Like with any other auto immune disease, you don't always see the illness on the outside. Looking at the pictures I have been taking, all looks well and at some levels, it is. But things aren't always as they seem. This disease has taken a toll. A heavy horrible toll on our family and my sweet Brandon. Fighting, crying, anxiety, stress, tension headaches, more fighting... And that's just in one day. We all fight, all the time. If we make it longer than an hour, that's a small victory. We have to be doing something constructive to keep our minds focused from the fights. You can cut the tension with a butter knife. We have short fuses and will attack even when there is nothing to attack. It's my fault. I am the worst. Brandon is patient and the kids are kids. I am the dragon that shows its ugly head and goes crazy on a daily basis. I leave a trail of anxiety and darkness. I pray daily, well, hourly to find the calm and peace my heart aches for, but that prayer is rarely answered. Prayer has become an obstacle that seems to set us back instead of move us forward. I know deep down that's not the case, but it feels like it is.  My prayers aren't the same anymore. There is too much going on in my head and I can't think clearly when I pray, so I usually give up and hope Heavenly Father will just hear my heart. I get mad at him a lot, so I'm sure He has walked away from me because I feel alone most of the time. I have never felt so alone. Not just alone from God, but with the world. No one understands what we are going through, so how could anyone understand? There are less than 50 documented cases of this disease in the world, so we are basically the guinea pigs to the Dr.s. B has become best friends in real life with his gastro Doc. He is a great guy, but even he says he doesn't know what he is doing most of the time. 

We were hoping that this Hawaii trip would help alleviate the tension on all of us, especially for the kids. Truthfully, I think we were wishing we could run from our problems for a week and they wouldn't follow us. But, they have. Brandon is weak. He is eating, which is good. But, his speech is slurred and he has to nap frequently or he won't make through the day. He moves slow. Very slow. It feels as if he is 80. There are parts of me that resent him and there are parts that love him unconditionally and want to keep fighting to get him better. I need my Brandon back. Our marriage is crumbling and I don't know how much more his body or my heart can take. We get back next Monday, and he goes straight into surgery for who knows what. I don't ask anymore because they (the doctors) just talk in circles and use words like "experimental drugs and surgeries." Maybe that's why I can't focus. Because when we get back home, we go straight back to reality. And if I'm being honest, I don't like our reality right now. At all. 

Don't get me wrong. We have had some amazing blessings throughout all of this ordeal. Brandon has been able to work and it's been a good year financially. I'm so grateful for that. We have had successes in other ways, But this damn disease always takes our family down into the depths of darkness and I don't how to pull us all out. 

Christmas is my favorite time of year. The music, decorations, family, friends. It's snowing at home and I am missing it. I wish I was having a white Christmas. Snow does my soul good and I need all the good in there that I can get. I feel weak physically and mentally. But, I'm the weakest spiritually. I believe in God, but I don't trust him right now. A years worth of prayers and pleading for answers, just to never get them will do that to you. I know He doesn't trust me either. Problem is, I'm not quite certain how to fix that. So I lay awake at night and toss and turn. I search social media and blogs for inspiration, but all my heart sees is families who are happy and prospering or families that are struggling in different ways begging for help. Perception can be a tool our brain uses to make us feel bad about ourselves. Our family is slowly drowning and I can't reach the surface to take a deep breath and carry everyone. Carrying 5 people all the time can be exhausting and daunting. So, I am taking this one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. I am not the person I thought I was and I am not the person I used to be. I don't always like who I am right now. I have questioned my faith. I have questioned God. I have questioned religion. That seems to happen when things don't go the way we want. It's easier to blame God and walk away rather than pick up what he has given us and have the faith and obedience it takes to keep following Him. 

I know we will get through this. I don't know how it will all play out, but I hope everyday it will get better. It has too or I may never come back up from this darkness that surrounds me. The light of Christmas time can usually pull me out of a darkness that I am in, but this year I can't find the light. Hawaii isn't very festive. There are not a lot of lights anywhere and I have yet to see a nativity. I have seen 4 Christmas trees in total and they all have had blue lights on them. I have never understood blue lights at Christmas. 

Today, my prayer will be to find the light of Christ here in Hawaii on this wonderful Christmas Eve. I pray we can make it a day without fighting or worrying what the future might hold. All I want for Christmas is health for my husband m, peace in my heart and in the hearts of my children. They know way too much about stress and I see daily the toll it takes on their sweet hearts. I want to see my kids faces light up when they see something magical this Christmas season. I want to feel love in my home. Santa is coming to our home while we are gone. We will return to celebrate our Christmas our way. Then reality will set in and we will keep moving forward. I just hope this Christmas, our family can find the light we so desperately need. Merry Christmas to all. May you all have peace in your homes and in your hearts. And for the love....2016, please be good to us! 

The way I see it... A response to Anne

Last night I attended LDS Women's Conference at our stake center.  Let me first let you know that I did not want to be there.  At all. Actually I kinda had no business being there... or so I thought.  The night before (Friday night), I had a mental, physical and emotional break down.  Like crazy, out of control, screaming, throwing crap, telling everyone I hated them, didn't want to be a mom because I pretty sure that I am screwing all that up too, world coming to an end kinda stuff. It was EPIC.  I said and did things that I wish now I could take back.  I feel like all the emotions that I have been holding in over the last 3 months of my life all came spilling out in one over the top mental breakdown.  You name the emotion and I have felt it over the last couple of months.  Anger, fear, resentment, happiness, miracles, more fear, more resentment.... ugh,  In short, its been absolutely exhausting.  Its been too long since I have blogged last, but if you follow my FB or insta you can kinda get the idea of why I went mental on everyone, not that its justified.  With my husband being so sick, I have felt very alone. Like really alone.  I have isolated myself from family, friends and church.   I was angry at our ward leaders for not reaching out to our family when we needed it more than anything.  Since I thought I was being abandoned by them, I for sure thought I was being abandoned by God too.   I was angry at God for being forgotten.  No one forgot me, it was me and my thoughts. I was angry at my husband for being so sick, (See, I told you. I suck right now.) I was angry at my kids for always fighting....  I was angry at the world.  So, I left Friday night and almost checked myself into a hotel to just escape any and all responsibility that I have. Sometimes as a wife and a mother, responsibility just plain old sucks!

As I was taking my pity party elsewhere, I received a phone call from my sweet 7 year old, Anna.  I saw the phone said, "home" and I did NOT want to answer.  I wanted to wallow a little bit more.  But as I answered the phone call, my sweet Anna said to me, "Mommy, please come home.  This is where you are meant to be.  We can all help each other through all of this craziness.  That's why we have each other.  To help each other through the bad things in life.  If you leave, our family is very empty."  I started to cry even more.  I love this sweet angel of mine who always knows what to say.  (I'm pretty sure she is an old soul stuck in a child's body.)  I hope one day I can be as wise as her.

I went home that night.  I hugged my children.  Told them how much I loved them and said I was sorry from the bottom of my heart.  I hugged my husband and asked for forgiveness and then I prayed for forgiveness and then strength to overcome my angry and bitter heart.  

Anne, I am pretty sure that we were not the only ones that didn't want to be there.  I am pretty sure that we all feel very alone sometimes in different stages of life. The Savior gave us an organized way of carrying out his work.  Without which I am convinced that we would not be able to mourn with those who mourn, comfort those who stand in need of comforting and help our families return to Him.  Each of us has a part to play in the grand plan.  God's plan in a plan of love, but also a plan of order.  If there was no order, there would be no plan.  I see this daily in my life with my family. There needs to be order, or we go astray.   The message to me last night was loud, clear and very simple.  We all have a part in a mortal family and a heavenly family.  Our families will help us achieve our highest eternal goals. "God gave us a family so we could be what he wants us to be." Our church allows us to renew sacred covenants weekly.  Believe me when I say, I wish I could just go on with my personal relationship with God and be OK, but I can't.  I need to learn.  I need to learn from those that have been where I am at and where I am going and then just maybe I can be that for someone else.  Thank heaven for the sacrament, without it I would be a mess.  Don't over think the beautiful words or messages from last night.  There were some that drove me crazy.  It can be hard to have someone get up and tell me what to do when they have not experienced one of my trials. Actually it kinds seemed like she hasn't had any trials by the way she listed it, but her trials are not my trials. (BTW, that talk bugged me, but that's ok too.)   Some of those words, may have been an answer to a pray to a sister who needed to hear just that.  Pray for peace, pray for faith... for faith will triumph over our doubts.  Hold onto any light you may have and then reach out to those around you that may need their lights to shine a little brighter even if that just in your family. Search for what you need and don't worry about what you don't.  When I felt alone this past month, I would receive a simple text from a friend or ward sister and that would let me know that someone was thinking of me.  You don't need to give a grand dinner, spend money or worry that your visiting will bug someone.  I would have given a lot to have someone just send a text or say hello.  It's just that simple and how lucky are we that we have an extended ward family to be able to think and pray for us.  I think you are incredibly beautiful inside and out.  I love that you spill your heart.  Most women in our faith will not ever do that and it's unfortunate because not one of us is THAT strong or needs to be that strong. Many times your blog and your writing have been a small answer to my prayers, so maybe that is your calling on how you can help others.  Your real honesty and courage to say things is rare and the world needs more of it.   The Savior is your center, He always has been and I admire you for that. You inspire me and I hope that telling you just a tiny bit of my weaknesses this past week will help you realize that you are NEVER alone.  Ever.
Love you darling Anne.

Today's thoughts...

I am in Tucson. 2 weeks ago my sweet and incredible uncle Mike died while vacationing in Lima, Peru with his wife. Without going into a ton of detail, he died in the night of an enlarged heart. It took too long to get him home. It was traumatic for all involved. While I have been down here with all of his kids, 8 of them to be exact, I have been reflecting on a lot of things. 

First, it was the first time in a long time that I have been with my mom, dad and sister together. I have seen them all seperately, but it's been a very long time since we have all been under the same roof. It was wonderful. I miss them. 

Second, it has been way too long since I have seen my cousins and it was good to see all of them and where their lives have taken them. They are amazing people! 

Third, I'm grateful for my savior Jesus Christ who is the perfect example for me. I found myself during this week thanking my Heavenly Father for all that I am and all that I have. Most important, my family. I miss my kiddos and my hubby. But it was good to see the rest of my family and spend incredible moments with them reflecting on the life of my uncle. He truly was an incredible man. I am grateful for the knowledge of the atonement and of eternal families. I know for a fact, this life is not the end. We will be together again and I am so grateful for that knowledge. 

Uncle Mike has a Purple Heart from his service in the Vietnam war. We just learned not too long ago that he was a sniper there. I could go on all day with stories about him. 

We launched beautiful floating laterns, think Tangled, in his memory. We all stood on a beautiful patio overlooking amazing mountains and watched them drift into heaven. It was perfect. 

He was brave. He was strong and a true disciple of Christ. Thank you Uncle Mike for all of the memories. Rest in Peace.

Braces...

Someone is getting braces today. And they won't come off until she is in junior high. Needless to say, I'm a little freaked out. Kind of wondering where the time went and how on earth do I have a kid old enough for braces! 

NYC...

Mara and I are on our way to NYC to meet up with my mom, aka gramma Cindy. Can't wait for this very much needed time with my sweet Mara. 

Huge thanks to my sweet hubby for holding  the fort down! 

The little things...

When you're a mom, sometimes it's the little things that keep you going. Alone time with my mormon coffee (aka Pero with Girl Scout cookie coffeemate!) and The Avengers while the kids are out playing. It will end soon, so I'm soaking as much RD Jr in as much as I can! 😊

And... It's over! Let the chaos commence.