d100 Church Missions

More missions but possibly nicer than the previous posts in this series. Unless you are a godless heathen then not so good. As usual higher number more severe missions. Possibly handy for when healed at a temple. A druid one would be pretty different. Some tasks might just require time and labour. Having finished this I considered could be missions related to petty gods and saints but oh well.

d100 Church Missions
01 Go begging in the markets to raise money for the church roof fund
02 Work in the scriptorium copying religious documents
03 Inspect the graveyard for needed repairs and cleaning 
04 Go work with the caring for the sick and offer them prayers and scripture readings 
05 Collect poor boxes from some of the smaller churches for the bishops new gold hat
06 Guard pilgrims travelling between shrines from bandits and evil doers
07 Go preach in the markets and put on a better show than rival public speakers 
08 Put on a mystery play to entertain the masses at the markets
09 Clean all the local shrines and leave a coin at each one
10 Go and teach orphans to read and write and convert them to our faith
11 Convert a merchant to our faith so they might help spread our faith
12 Preach to backward isolated villagers and warn them about temptation of evil cults
13 Convince a wealthy banker or merchant to sponsor an orphanage
14 Round up local drunken and sinful adventurers and bring them to church for a service
15 Convince a noble to show mercy to those that owe them money
16 Nail holy scriptures to the door of the biggest miser in town
17 Visit prison and convert and aid the poor degenerate sinners
18 Gather up abandoned urchins and bring them to a church orphanage 
19 Rally a angry mob against some injustice or blasphemy and use to proselytise 
20 Find who stole a from a poor box and thrash them soundly and hand them to the law
21 Convince a wealthy person on deathbed to leave money and lands to the church
22 Build a new shrine for pilgrims to act as shelter and expand current treks
23 Travel into the wilderness and preach to savages and non humans 
24 Raise money for missionaries to aid and preach to savages on the frontier
25 Vandalise monuments and rock carvings of the old religion with holy symbols of our faith
26 Gather and burn blasphemous books and objects of vice like rum and drugs
27 Help poor trapped in vice industry to escape lives with popper respectable work and homes
28 Help refugees and homeless find safe place to live
29 Transport a valuable artwork between churches for new installation
30 Build a monument to church or holy person or deity to impress people
31 Help fund or build a new church on the frontier to help spread the faith
32 Restore a tainted former holy site with sanctification and purification rituals
33 Investigate rumours of a strange cult operating in a rural area
34 Some unlawful spell caster is operating in a community in secret, find and punish them
35 Help stop the spread of vice, drunkenness and lechery in a poor area 
36 Help guide pilgrims through a dangerous route unused for decades
37 Find and restore a long lost holy shrine and have it put on pilgrim maps
38 Go on a long distance pilgrimage to collect holy scriptures to bring home 
39 A bejewelled gold relic box with a saints body parts was seized by raiding dungeon monsters, bring it back
40 Find a holy hermit and encourage them to return to civilisation to share their discoveries from years of solitude
41 Find a former priest of paladin and help them restore their faith and return to the church
42 Go on a mission to the frontier and help build a church, school or hospital
43 Expose a hidden cult of vice and degradation among the merchant or noble classes 
44 Find a evil cultist pretending to be a holy person spreading chaos and evil
45 Destroy all the undead in a graveyard and sanctify it so the dead remain at rest
46 Hunt down lycanthropes or vampires or doppelgangers infiltrating a community
47 Help recover lost holy book stolen by thieves and punish them for their sins
48 Recruit a band of acolytes to the church and lead them into a battle vs evil
49 Aid templars in their works guarding pilgrims and funding holy wars in distant lands
50 Exterminate a community following a enemy religion spreading vile blasphemies
51 Aid crusaders on their travels to holy war with food, shelter and money
52 Recruit a mob to join the crusades to earn a place in heaven by killing heathens
53 A necromancer in a hidden underground vault is defiling dead and grave robbing, find and exterminate the fiend
54 Hellish agents have been convincing the desperate to sell their souls to hell, find them and stop them
55 A noble has been dealing harsh justice, convince them to be more merciful and help the needy
56 Shut down house of ill repute and find the workers proper jobs and houses, protect them from vindictive gangs and criminals so they can escape their troubles
57 Find a local drug peddler, burn their goods and thrash them publicly
58 Aid widows with legitimate work and homes 
59 Check the seals on local crypts and catacombs for signs of necromancers or undead tampering
60 Rally a fighting force or peasant mob and lead them to burn the house or tower of a wicked sorcerer or wizard up to no good
61 Evil cultists gather for seasonal feasts and depraved orgies with devils and animals, find the next such gathering and attack them
62 Aid the inquisition in locating cultists and destroying their organisations
63 A monastery has reported a dreadful haunting, investigate it and stop the problem
64 A community has had parishioners struck by curses, find the culprit and have them arrested
65 A report of a country church being lenient and encouraging other faiths and cults has disturbed church officials, go and encourage them to do the right thing
66 A priest has had some unsavoury accusations directed at them, investigate them and report findings to the church but be discreet
67 A nunnery has had reports of madness and troubles, go investigate and stamp out the problem
68 A pedlar of quack potions and cures has been encouraging simpletons to use their faux treatments instead of church healers. Investigate them and possibly use legal means to drive them away
69 A simple rural village has been reporting miracles and wonders, investigate if they are fair or foul wonders or just some kind of hoax
70 Help with the construction of a new church or cathedral
71 A cultist captured admitted under torture that a gate to hell opens occupationally and cults gather to welcome devils into the world, find and stop them
72 Join a crusade to help a holy war against a rival faith or backwards frontier peoples
73 Anew land has been discovered and the church needs agents to explore it and help pave the way for missionaries
74 A templar order keep has had many accusations of vice and they seem very well off, investigate if they are honest or infiltrated by a cult
75 A church found ancient forgotten catacombs beneath it and have requested experts to investigate them
76 A rural village have been building cages over select graves and the priest has had trouble finding out why this custom has emerged
77 The corpses of some plague victims have vanished of late. Spend the night watching a new batch and make sure nobody takes the bodies
78 A vile beast from the pits of hell has been roaming a wilderness area and locals have asked church for help
79 A peasant from a frontier estate claims the master is a infernal monster and you are sent to investigate the claims with a visit
80 A haunted house has scared off all tenants and has been abandoned. Go and cleanse it and perhaps it can house the poor
81 A great festival and procession is coming and a organiser for festivities is required urgently to put on a show to impress commoners, nobles and priesthood
82 An entire order has been called into question by reports recently, infiltrate them and report to the bishops of anything wrong
83 An important noble has been feuding with a bishop, meet them and negotiate a peace both can live with
84 Negotiate peace with kingdom border nobles and the degenerate godless sub human savages over the border
85 Rumours of golden ritual paraphernalia stolen from the church is held by a robber knight in a ruined castle with his band of degenerate bandits and a mysterious black robed stranger. Go see if they have the relics
86 A cult has stolen several bodies of nobles from a crypt under repair, find out why, return the bodies and kill the evil defilers
87 A rival religion has set up a new church, it is important we show our superiority and double down on our charity and outreach among poor downtrodden simpletons for a month
88 A gathering of different religions are gathering to discuss how to deal with all the strange hidden cults that menace all the proper religions. Guard the conference delegates in case the cults try something shifty 
89 Travel to join a far off crusade against a foreign primitive peoples. Help seize their land, change their faith and liberate their gold for use by a proper civilisation
90 Enter a portal to hell and rescue a paladin determined to fight to the death
91 Travel to the depths of the earth where a insidious evil temple secretly directs surface cults. Destroy the cult leaders, their relics and their demon lord
92 A ruin covered island crawling with dinosaurs and cannibal cultists needs saving from their bloodthirsty vampire bat goddess. Destroy their unholy ziggurat and burn all their evil books
93 The growing popularity of godless wizards are a problem. Go unto the common folk and perform miracles to keep their faith and try to convert some wizards to our faith
94 A great dungeon complex full of monsters is being directed by a demon, they must all be destroyed
95 Build a borderland keep to over watch the inhuman hordes and their demon gods
96 A fiendish seaside demon cult regularly summon a gargantuan horror of the deep to throw victims to. Await in secret for the murderous heathens to call their false god. Then attack and kill them all and their god and burn their homes
97 A fiendish black library is said to be a place where evil wizards and devil cults learn forbidden lore. The church has discovered it is not a place rather than a plane connected to the hells. Locate a gate used by cultists, enter and cause havok, burning as much as possible
98 Sailors have returned from a far off land unheard of before. Travel with them to establish a church and mission to save the poor fools who know nothing of our one true faith
99 A heretical sect have produced a new translation of the book of our faith and must be hunted and captured. Those that do not recant are to be exterminated
100 In a strange valley overgrown with weird fleshy growths and strange naked creatures explorers have found a gate to a whole alien world of living flesh with no metal. Find the gate and introduce our religion to this strange new world

d100 Outsider Mutations

Mutations
Xor Bio Mutations
Necro Mutations
Reptilian Mutations
Diabolic Mutations
Plant Mutations
Faerie Mutations
Mental Mutations
Subterranean Mutations
Angelic Mutations
Cyber Mutations
Psychon Mutations
Surgical Mutations
Giant Mutations
Law Mutations
Failed mutation system
Apotheosis Mutations - too many mutations side fx
Mutant Character Class

Recent Ideas: Berserker mutations, clown mutations, clockwork mutations?

Another dozen sets of these a revision (some subtables d10 all inconsistent and older ones i didn't put concrete mods or effects so much so will revise). Mutant class seems to work well so far and class able to reroll old mutations has been good too.

Whaaat is this.

Many mutants gain powers through being possessed and tainted by other worldly beings. These spirits change people physically and mentally. Some of these beings should not be in our world and they can ruin or even destroy a body. Some take over devouring the soul of their host. Not all are evil but they may be alien or curious and not realize thy are killing victims or changing them. The entities need not remain but the hosts are changed. Their descendants might be receptive to future contact. It has things in common with the bio mutations, chaos and mental mutations. traveling through time or damaged gates or unshielded hyperdrives might attract such beings too. Some hosts embrace them hoping to become gods other struggle to remove the spirits if not the mutations. Most of the greater entities require more resilient bodies and normal ones just explode if occupied. Even a minor possession might cause blood noses, headaches, sinus pain, ear aches or other pressure related symptoms. Beings from overspace have at times been more common and at times directed evil civilizations to conquest.

d12 Sources of mutation
1 Possessed when used as host by cultists in a summoning and lived
2 Taken by outsiders through other dimensions, picked up spiritual parasites
3 A entity from the nightmare lands contacted your mind
4 Some magic made visible things from beyond and some could also see you
5 You read about a entity in a cult book and now you are connected to it
6 You went between the sacred stones on the wrong day
8 Born odd, used to talk to and cry at imaginary things as a child
9 Bred by a cult to host beings from over space in this world
10 Parent secretly horror from another world, other parent is mad, dead or not sure
11 Voices spoke to you from the darkness and taught you to contact alien spirits
12 Went to a haunted place and a spirit slipped inside you

d10 basic types
1 Facial/sensory
2 Skin
3 Torso/body
4 Abdomen
5 Arms/manipulation
6 Legs/locomotion
7 Mouth
8 Cranium/skull
9 Organs
10 Brain

d100 Minor Outsider Mutations
01 Strange coloured eyes especially when angry
02 Can see in low light condition by stars or dim lights
03 Can hear things crawling in nearby dimensions
04 Blood noses when you use any spells or strange abilities or stressed
05 Eyes glow when you use any spells or strange abilities or angry
06 Its like there is something else in your eyes looking back
07 Smell strange odours from other dimensions
08 See luminous translucent spirits from beyond when you concentrate
09 Yell telepathically for help to one person 10"/Lv once a day
10 See gates, planar weak points, outsider beings not in disguise,
11 Skin is clammy cold and sweaty
12 When angry or stressed body temperature raises and colour changes
13 Hairless all over like some kind of future person
14 Grow hair all over like some prehistoric person
15 Simple B&W eyes all over body 360 vision
16 Extra mouths and sphincters appear all over body and disappear
17 Skin is transparent and gelatinous
18 Skin is shadowy, naturally draws away light
19 Have no shadow
20 Ectoplasm drips off skin when using powers or near supernatural phenomena
21 Eyes open in chest who they stare at has -1 on saves and to hit
22 Glow inside chest cavity equal to candle
23 Something moves inside chest cavity
24 Mouth in chest d4 unarmed bite bigger and faster than normal mouth
25 Biokinetic blast from chest d6 8" range use per level per day
26 Chest tentacle comes out of chest foot per level manipulator
27 Resilient d4 extra HP
28 Bone chest cage +1AC
29 Tolerate greater extremes of pressure than normal human
30 Hold breath round per CON
31 Large almost prehensile mobile genitalia
32 Hungry for meat
33 Vomit up a d4 acid spew one per Lv/day
34 Huge gut hanging out
35 Flatulent especially when stressed or aroused
36 Strange gurgling sounds from body
37 Belching constantly
38 Belch out a cloud of green fog 2" across three times a day
39 Can eat as much as a extra person/Lv
40 Excrement bubbles and glows with eerie light
41 Tentacle or flagellum or pseudopod arms
42 Tentacle or flagellum or pseudopod fingers
43 Extra d3 small tentacles
44 Eyes on hands
45 Mouths on hands d3 unarmed bite can use to feed
46 Slime hand can generate a gallon ectoplasm once a day from hand
47 Arms can elongate up to one extra yard
48 Palms bleed with stigmata when you uses spells, abilities or stressed
49 Fingers turn into claws when angry d3 unarmed
50 Suction hands give +1 to climb and grapple attack
51 Feet always wet dripping with ectoplasm
52 Footprints glow eerily
53 Satyr like legs bend backwards at knees
54 Jump 1" extra distance
55 Big feet Move +1
56 Prehensile feet can hang onto ceiling and hold objects
57 Hooves +1 climb or balance
58 Long Legs can elongate extra yard tall
59 Tiny angry faces on feet with teeth and eyes
60 Webbed feet get full move in water
61 Randomly mutter in alien language in sleep several times a hour
62 Know speech of the ancient evil elder gods
63 Speak in ultra high frequency of spirits so the can hear you within 3"
64 Eye on tongue
65 Egg depositor on tongue can inplant parasites into victims
66 Second set of jaws pop one foot out jaws d4 unarmed damage
67 Fangs and overbite d3 unarmed damage
68 Feeding tube elongates a foot from mouth
69 Hemovore can feed from blood with special pair of teeth
70 Tentacle face foot long and mass is prehensile
71 Head enlarged
72 Bony skull ridges on head
73 Armoured skull +1AC
74 Horns d4 unarmed attack
75 Feel high pressure migraine pain frequently
76 Feel something move in your skull when you feel stressed
77 Thick neck rippling with muscles very hard to asphyxiate
78 Head covered in occult signs
79 Luminous neon sigil halos emblaze around head when angry or fighting
80 Skull is spiked all over causing host pain
81 Pineal gland emerges from forehead detect magic round/Lv day
82 Can detect invisible spirits in 3"
83 Can feed off supernatural energy of the dying or sacrifices instead of food
84 Huge pumping mutant heart +d4HP
85 Can detect if a body is dead, alive or dying within 2"
86 Violent or strong emotions from others around make you feel pleasure
87 Detect other planar beings in 1" who vibrate on a different frequency
88 Detect by touch if living or dead body possessed or undead
89 Can detect if any plane shifting within 10"
90 Can tell if planar beings like a demon, devil or elemental is summoned within a mile
91 Can read script of the old gods carved in pre human ruins
92 Superior maths skills character has numeracy as if trained
93 Hear otherworldly being offer you terrible advice in times of crisis
94 Have strange otherworldly visions of ultra space realms in dreams
95 Can ask a spirit a question yes or no once a day
96 Brain glows in times of deep thought or reading
97 Can overhear ultra high frequency of spirits talking to each other in 3"
98 Learns new skill in some branch of arcane orr elder lore
99 Can cast one zero level cantrip as a priest or druid or wizard or sorcerer
100 Resist possession saving throw +2

d10 basic types
1 Facial/sensory
2 Skin
3 Torso/body
4 Abdomen
5 Arms/manipulation
6 Legs/locomotion
7 Mouth
8 Cranium/skull
9 Organs
10 Brain

d100 Major Outsider Mutations
01 Spirit Sight can see non corporeal entities within 6"
02 See auroras of living beings with souls within 6" but not through walls
03 Can see possessed people or spirits in objects within 6"
04 Can smell beings from other planes within 1" even in disguise
05 Third eye glows when used can detect life in 1"/Lv
06 Pineal gland exits skull as a prehensile tentacle yard per level
07 Sense plane shift or open planar gate within one mile
08 Understand language of beings from other planes
09 Hear anyone casting a spell within 3"/Lv
10 Can see and attack beings on other planes without penalty
11 Invulnerable Skin AC +312 Skin can slough off healing 2d8 damage once a day
13 Slime covered skin dripping ooze, regenerate hp/ten minutes
14 Skin can turn inside out at will, when covered in gore heal a d3, one use/Lv
15 Puncture proof skin -1/damage from cutting or piercing attacks per dice
16 Disgusting blubber -1 damage from blunt attacks per dice
17 Skin is transparent, alien things swim under the skin, +2d4 HP +1/Lv
18 Skin glows in the dark illuminating 1"/Lv at will
19 Unnatural eyes all over skin can sense 360 degrees through matter foot/Lv
20 Skin covered in thorns, any unarmed attacker takes a d3 per hit
21 Rib cage splits open revealing d8 damage mouth can swallow a whole person
22 Orifice in chest fires three d3 damage shuriken per round, a round/Lv each day
23 Bony Plastron Armour AC +5
24 Creature spawns from chest once/day, 1HP/Lv Mov 12" D4 bite
25 Great scarlet eye on chest fires beam d6/Lv once per day (save for half) 12" range
26 Heart will restart after d4 rounds death, awaken with 1HP, use/Lv per day
27 No need to breathe and can tolerate extreme high and low pressure
28 Exhale gust of wind, 1"/Lv range cone, save or fall back d4" rounds
29 Exhale poison gas, 1" range cone per level, save or d3/Lv damage
30 Elongating flexible snake like spine grow a foot/lv at will
31 Prehensile genitalia or tail elongate foot/lv, can swing or hold objects
32 Intestines burst out and hose enemies with acid 2d4 damage 1" range/Lv
33 Intestines burst out and can perform extra grapple attack on target with 3"
34 Intestines with lamprey heads attack for d4, once hit keep sucking a d4 until cut loose
35 Eat anything organic unharmed in huge amounts
36 Heal self by gorging on flesh, 1HP/HD, can eat a HD per turn
37 Feed from small critters from other planes never go hungry
38 Can eat any amount of food or drink which gets funneled into a dimensional void
39 Can suck up 3" area of smoke, gas or fog in a round with no ill efect. one use/Lv/day
40 Horrible grumbling noises and bulges from belly +d8 HP
41 Mouths on hands, d4 bite extra attack if hand free, can eat through hands
42 Extra set of insectoid limbs gain one extra action per round
43 Tentacle arms, flexible can stretch one yard per level
44 Arm is huge crab like claw d8 extra attack
45 Outrageous muscled arms +1 STR
46 Arm is a biological gun that shoots bone splinters range 9" 2d4 damage
47 Unarmed attacks can hurt creatures as if magic weapons as +1/3Lv
48 Attacks made on undead have +2d4, they crumble to dust when killed
49 Glider membranes under arms can glide across as far as up Mov 12"
50 Elongating arms can extend yard/lv
51 Backward bending knees and two huge toe feet, +1" Mov/Lv
52 Legs fuse into single muscled limb can jump +1"/Lv
53 Elongating legs can extend yard/lv, +1 Mov/3Lv
54 Huge spurs +d6 unarmed attack with kick
55 Prehensile feet can grip and hang upside down or manipulate tools
56 Walk on water, leave no footprints
57 Leave trail of horrible ichor that repels normal animals and predators
58 Walk up walls like a insect or lizard
59 Quadrupedal mode of locomotion using arms, +50% Mov
60 Walk through solid matter one round/Lv per day
61 Prehensile Tongue foot long per level
62 Snapping toothed maw extra attack d6 bite
63 Vomit acid 2d4 damage burns 1HP per round/Lv, one use per/Lv per day
64 Extendable mouth can swallow person same size
65 Can vomit up d4 gallons/Lv of ectoplasm, once per Lv/day
66 Can speak with dead once per day, a question per level if corpse fails save
67 Can call thing from beyond per level per day 1HD Att d4 Mov 12" levitates
68 Sonic scream 1"/Lv cone d4/Lv save or deaf for ten minues, once/day/Lv
69 Vomit swarm of crawling maggots 1"/L, 2HP damage per round, round/Lv
70 Vomit swarm of flies, cloud covers 1" area in darkness/Lv, Mov12", round/L per day
71 Rotating head has three faces each with separate bonus +1 WIS +1INT or +1 CHA
72 Horns can sprout form forehead at will, d6 extra attack
73 Flaming aurora can form around head at will, d4 fire to any unarmed attacker, 1" light
74 Luminous aurora forms from head illuminating 3"/level area at will
75 Skull explodes, d4/Lv over 3" once a day, awaken with head regrown after one hour
76 Solar beam from forehead d3/Lv, Range 2"/Lv, one use/4Lv/day
77 Elongating neck, 1 yard/Lv at will
78 Crystal encased skull, see visions of impending disaster, war and mass destruction
79 Head can transform into tentacled toothed horror round/Lv/day, save from fear within 3"
80 Glowing runes in skull, hear voices of bound planar beings, sometimes advice is useful
81 Light absorbing organ 3" darkness for one turn/Lv per day
82 Restore one level of energy drain or lost stat point by eating
83 Hear your name spoken within one mile with rough idea of distance and direction
84 Planeshift to avoid calamity once a week, end up on a random dimension
85 Can reproduce with any species producing unatural hybrids
86 Regenerate damage 1HP/round from non magic weapons, fire, acid, silver or iron
87 Can survive extremes of other planes as a native life form
88 If killed a wraith from overspace enters the world through your corpse
89 If killed a being from overspace takes your body and turns it into a mummy
90 If killed a clone child hatches from your remains a d4 hours later
91 If killed releases horrible alien entity 1HD/Lv Mov 12" Levitate d4 dam/Lv with bite
92 Can question dimensional beings as a History Spell per Lv/day
93 If killed brain and nerve stem escapes and hides, will regrow body over months
94 Levitation at will 1" Mov in air at will
95 Telepathy 1"/Lv range can communicate with sentient beings by silent direct mind link
96 Empathy 1"/Lv range can sense emotions of living beings and broadcast your own
97 ESP one round/Lv per day, 1"/Lv range, read surface thoughts if victim fails save
98 If unconscious or mind controlled alien evil persona takes over for d6 10 minute turns
99 Never needs sleep but hears strange alien voices from beyond if you try
100 Enhanced Intelligence +1 plus read a d4 dead alien languages

d12 Apotheosis
01 Body explodes when higher density being tries to occupy your body
02 Powerful being bonds to your body and eats your soul
03 Soul is evicted by entity and becomes a miserable damned non corporeal spirit
04 Plunge from world to world gazing at wonders and infinite cosmic power scales
05 Body becomes the seed of a new body for a monstrous alien being
06 Becomes host of one of the elder gods worshipped by cultists
07 Body occupied and changed by entity into rampaging mindless monster
08 Taken into stomach of a soul eating old one to be devoured for aeons
09 Taken to other world to be plaything of curious planar outsiders
10 Beings from ultraspace come and take your brain to another dimension
11 A being takes the host body to another world to wage wars of cosmic conquest
12 Body breaks down into a mindless shoggoth

d100 Paladin Smack Talk

It would be sad if this made me think paladins are worth keeping in DnD. But I think It might. Well Planet Psychon Paladin working for a AI god might look like this with clips of alternating silver, holy iron and +5 adamantium rounds.

Reading 5th edition made me re think classes. In turn i'm thinking of writing my own simpler rule set but with a proficiency/ability system that handle mass customised characters. I'm partly troubled by me the dm having to keep track of everyone abilities and enemy abilities to, manage a human vs human party battle. Most people tell me they bullshit it and make them not act their best or ignore fancy abilities. My house rules more like BX with late 1st ed adnd extras like oriental adventures and dungeoneers survival guide and some abilities stranger. I might make some sample skills for monster heroes, leaders and royal guards.

A line of smack talk every combat round goes a long way.

Why Would You Use This Table?

Your friend is charmed by good guys
Fanatic maniacs cultists who think they are better
Holy warriors fighting undead, demons or devils
Religious persons fighting enemy cults
Knights or lawmen claim righteous superiority
Military when fighting rival hostile culture
Faction vs faction of a single larger group
Beings of Law or Good or Both
Saints or angels judge anybody
A paladin travels with you and pulls these lines on every threat he sees implying you are all together and most of the beings he abuses assume he speaks for the group - classic mission complication challenge unlocked!

d100 Paladin Smack Talk

01 Destroy this vile defiling evil filth

02 I send ye to eternal torment you fiend
03 By the holy wrath of my god I strike you down!
04 I am here to end you wicked one, prepare to be smited
05 I prey my weapon strikes you dead ye foul and putrid one
06 Be ye witch or be ye warlock you magic is wicked and must be crushed
07 I shall smite the and dismember thee so no devil or demon can put you back
08 May my god strengthen our arms as we slay these sinners
09 Might the saints preserve us and help us cleave these heathen heretics!
10 God has brought me here to kill you all, no mercy, no surrender 
11 Our god loves you and they are here to end your suffering
12 By the blessed sky virgin! Come taste her sweet tears of mercy!
13 Wicked ones your eternal punishment has arrived too soon!
14 How dear you soil my gaze with your vile form deviant one!
15 Your blood shall usher in a new age of love and kindness!
16 Peace will come after a age of blood and fire!
17 The gods hate you and have sent me to kill  you
18 Your crime of hubris has brought your executioners to your door
19 Now shall you die and every drop of the evil one will die
20 You have mortal form but you are a minion of the beast, prepare to die! 
21 Time to return to the pit vile one!
22 With beings like this we face there can never be mercy or peace just death
23 I was born for this moment, to drive you vile spirit back to the void!
24 This moment was seen in a vision my glory lies in your destruction
25 This will be a victory for god, for glory and all mortal kind!
26 Your sin Is life! I Bring you death!
27 Vile ones, prepare to meet thy dooooom!
28 For victory, for freedom, for all the blessed peoples!
29 You are abominations before the true gods, prepare for death!
30 For the kingdom, for the church, for humanity forever!
31 The river of life ends for you, the ferryman death has come for you!
32 The wages of wickedness are death, death to all non believers!
33 This spawn of vile chaos must be cut from this world to save it
34 Let us bring the wages of sin to these disgusting savages
35 Death to the unclean, death to murderers, death to traitors! 
36 My holy rod will smite you and dash your brains!
37 It is ordained this day that the enemies must die, protect us of lord!
38 Let loose the hounds of war, crush the enemy!
39 The evil ones are here, our only hope is to kill every one of them for our god!
40 And so the lord sent a angel to slay the minion of evil and it did!
41 Bring your legions, your army, all your kind I care not, you will all die each and every one
42 You fiends may choose to make a short prayer of repentance before we kill you
43 Surrender evil ones and receive the punishment you so richly deserve!
44 I am the weapon of my god, I am their steel, I am your destruction!
45 This vile spawn of a she demon, this vile thing of filth, shall meet it's end
46 You knew when you took up your blasphemous ways it would end like this
47 The end of the world is here, for your kind anyhow!
48 Your kind have been ordained to be slain one and all!
49 Like the saints of old I slay evil not talk to it!
50 A snicker-snak and your heads will be gone beneath my weapon
51 Obliteration is too kind for your vile kind
52 Cease your evil ways or prepare to die!
53 Your filth must be eradicated for a kinder and purer world!
54 Your foul blood with be released into the earth, a libation to the gods
55 All your line will be destroyed by fire and the sword!
56 A doom upon your cursed kind, all your seed will be purged from his world! 
57 Good cannot rest until all your kind are slain, die in the name of peace!
58 Your sins must be cleansed your blood must be spilled
59 The gods hate you and I am the instrument of your destruction
60 Say your prayers dog, your last moments of life are upon you!
61 All fanatics must be killed for the common good!
62 In the name of freedom, all your kind must be slaughtered!
63 Vile putrescent filth! You abominations have soiled this world enough!
64 Those who do not love life are not worthy of it and now you die!
65 By all that is holy! Your repugnant evil shall meet it's end 
66 You foul demonic turds who walk upon the fair earth, you must be cleansed!
67 Heathen! Unbeliever! Heretic! Anarchist! You must die by all that is holy!
68 Your kind were a mistake and It is time your existence was rectified
69 Your crimes can never be forgiven and I am your executioner
70 Blast you foul demon! May my god crush your soul as I rend your foul body!
71 All the world moans at your every diseased footstep and I am the cure!
72 My god has given me the right and the will to slay your kind for the good of all
73 I have judged ye foul demon of the pit, now you die!
74 All your vile creed have forfeited the right to live. I am hear to rectify this
75 What vile demon shat you into this world? I shall end your foul stain forever
76 Your very existence is corruption, to spare your future victims I slay you now!
77 It is time you were sent to eternal punishment for your false beliefs
78 Tell them in hell that I sent you and more of your kind will join you in the pit soon
79 You are a cosmic cancer and I am the cure! Prepare to be cut out!
80 You are a gnawing maggot eating all that is good, now it is your turn to die! 
81 I cannot bear to look at your awful countenance, you offend me and I will cut you out
82 I wish I could slay your every ancestor but your will have to do villain
83 Justice demands satisfaction and you sir will die by my hand
84 I call a holy crusade to slay your kind, each and every one of you must be destroyed
85 If only killing you would undo all your evil, ending you now will just have to do
86 In the name of all the saints and your victims, I call on your extermination now!
87 You are a mistake I am here to correct, your life is forfeit 
88 No pain I can inflict will undo your vile deeds, I must be satisfied with your death
89 The prophets have called for your death and I am here to enact your destiny
90 It is too late for your redemption, only death can cure the wounds you have caused
91 Your very existence offends the gods, I am their terrible swift retribution!
92 Beg and grovel all you like, no mercy for your vile kind!
93 I am not like the innocents you have molested, I will annihilate your kind
94 Gods will flows through my hand, and my weapon hungers for your life
95 I am here to execute you in the name of the law and all that is just
96 Righteousness and rage fill my heart villain, now you shall meet death!
97 A terrible swift death is the only kindness I can spare for you evil one!
98 My blessed weapon hungers for your vile flesh, your wickedness ends now!
99 Angels in heave will rejoice when your life ends, I am here to make that happen
100 It will be a kindness to slaughter you, the world will sigh with relief when I end you

here is the shakespeare translator version
https://lingojam.com/shakespearean
sometimes it works sometimes it is just silly

d100 paladin smack talk
01 destroy this vile defiling evil filth
02 i sendeth ye to eternal torment thee fiend
03 by the holy wrath of mine own god i strike thee down!
04 i am hither to end thee naughty one, prepare to beest smit'd
05 i prey mine own weapon strikes thee dead ye foul and putrid one
06 beest ye beldams 'r beest ye warlock thee charm is naughty and wilt beest did crush
07 i shalt smite the and dismember thee so nay Flibbertigibbet 'r goodyear can putteth thee back
08 may mine own god strengthen our arms as we slay these sinners
09 might the saints preserve us and holp us cleave these heathen heretics!
10 god hast hath brought me hither to killeth thee all, nay mercy, nay surrender 
11 our god loves thee and they art hither to end thy suffering
12 by the did bless sky virgin! cometh gust that lady sweet drops of sorrow of mercy!
13 naughty ones thy eternal punishment hast arriv'd too lief!
14 how lief thee soil mine own gaze with thy vile form deviant one!
15 thy blood shalt usher in a new age of love and kindness!
16 peace shall cometh after a age of blood and fire!
17 the gods misprise thee and has't hath sent me to killeth  thee
18 thy crime of hubris hast hath brought thy executioners to thy do'r
19 anon shalt thee kicketh the bucket and every drop of the evil one shall kicketh the bucket
20 thee has't mortal form but thou art a minion of the beast, prepare to kicketh the bucket! 
21 time to returneth to the pit vile one!
22 with beings like this we visage thither can nev'r beest mercy 'r peace just death
23 i wast born f'r this moment, to drive thee vile spirit back to the void!
24 this moment wast seen in a vision mine own glory lies in thy destruction
25 this shall beest a victory f'r god, f'r glory and all mortal kind!
26 thy sin is life! i bringeth thee death!
27 vile ones, prepare to meeteth thy dooooom!
28 f'r victory, f'r freedom, f'r all the did bless peoples!
29 thou art abominations ere the true gods, prepare f'r death!
30 f'r the kingdom, f'r the church, f'r humanity still!
31 the riv'r of life ends f'r thee, the ferryman death hast cometh f'r thee!
32 the wages of wickedness art death, death to all non believers!
33 this spawn of vile chaos wilt beest cutteth from this ordinary to save t
34 alloweth us bringeth the wages of sin to these disgusting savages
35 death to the unclean, death to murderers, death to traitors! 
36 mine own holy rod shall smite thee and dash thy brains!
37 t is ordain'd this day yond the enemies wilt kicketh the bucket, protect us of lord!
38 alloweth loose the hounds of war, crush the foe!
39 the evil ones art hither, our only desire is to killeth every one of those folk f'r our god!
40 and so the lord hath sent a angel to slay the minion of evil and t didst!
41 bringeth thy legions, thy army, all thy kind i care not, thee shall all kicketh the bucket each and every one
42 thee fiends may chooseth to maketh a short prayer of repentance ere we killeth thee
43 surrender evil ones and taketh the punishment thee so richly deserve!
44 i am the weapon of mine own god, i am their steel, i am thy destruction!
45 this vile spawn of a the lady goodyear, this vile thing of filth, shalt meeteth t's end
46 thee kneweth at which hour thee tooketh up thy blasphemous ways t would end like this
47 the end of the ordinary is hither, f'r thy kind anyhow!
48 thy kind has't been ordain'd to beest slain one and all!
49 like the saints of fusty i slay evil not talk to t!
50 a snicker-snak and thy heads shall beest gone beneath mine own weapon
51 obliteration is too kind f'r thy vile kind
52 cease thy evil ways 'r prepare to kicketh the bucket!
53 thy filth wilt beest eradicat'd f'r a kinder and purer ordinary!
54 thy foul blood with beest releas'd into the earth, a libation to the gods
55 all thy line shall beest did destroy by fire and the bodkin!
56 a doom upon thy curs'd kind, all thy se'd shall beest purg'd from his ordinary! 
57 valorous cannot rest until all thy kind art slain, kicketh the bucket in the name of peace!
58 thy sins wilt beest cleans'd thy blood wilt beest spill'd
59 the gods misprise thee and i am the instrument of thy destruction
60 sayeth thy prayers dog, thy last moments of life art upon thee!
61 all fanatics wilt beest hath killed f'r the ingraft valorous!
62 in the name of freedom, all thy kind wilt beest slaughtered!
63 vile putrescent filth! thee abominations has't soil'd this ordinary enow!
64 those who is't doth not love life art not worthy of t and anon thee kicketh the bucket!
65 by all yond is holy! thy repugnant evil shalt meeteth t's end 
66 thee foul demonic turds who is't walketh upon the fair earth, thee wilt beest cleansed!
67 heathen! unbeliever! heretic! anarchist! thee wilt kicketh the bucket by all yond is holy!
68 thy kind wast a misprision and t is time thy existence wast rectifi'd
69 thy crimes can nev'r beest forgiven and i am thy executioner
70 fie thee foul goodyear! may mine own god crush thy soul as i rend thy foul corse!
71 all the ordinary moans at thy every diseas'd footstep and i am the cure!
72 mine own god hast given me the right and the shall to slay thy kind f'r the valorous of all
73 i has't judg'd ye foul goodyear of the pit, anon thee kicketh the bucket!
74 all thy vile cre'd has't forfeit'd the right to liveth. I am heareth to rectify this
75 what vile goodyear shat thee into this ordinary? i shalt end thy foul stain still
76 thy very existence is corruption, to spare thy future victims i slay thee anon!
77 t is time thee wast hath sent to eternal punishment f'r thy false beliefs
78 bid those folk in hell yond i hath sent thee and moo of thy kind shall join thee in the pit lief
79 thou art a cosmic canker and i am the cure! prepare to beest cutteth out!
80 thou art a gnawing maggot eating all yond is valorous, anon t is thy turn to kicketh the bucket! 
81 i cannot bear to behold at thy awful countenance, thee offend me and i shall cutteth thee out
82 i wish i couldst slay thy every ancest'r but thy shall has't to doth villain
83 justice demands satisfaction and thee sir shall kicketh the bucket by mine own handeth
84 i calleth a holy crusade to slay thy kind, each and every one of thee might not but beest did destroy
85 if 't be true only killing thee would undo all thy evil, ending thee anon shall just has't to doth
86 in the name of all the saints and thy victims, i calleth on thy extermination anon!
87 thou art a misprision i am hither to correct, thy life is forfeit 
88 nay teen i can inflict shall undo thy vile deeds, i might not but beest did satisfy with thy death
89 the prophets has't hath called f'r thy death and i am hither to enact thy destiny
90 t is too late f'r thy redemption, only death can cure the wounds thee has't did cause
91 thy very existence offends the gods, i am their lacking valor swift retribution!
92 beg and grovel all thee like, nay mercy f'r thy vile kind!
93 i am not like the innocents thee has't molested, i shall annihilate thy kind
94 gods shall flows through mine own handeth, and mine own weapon hungers f'r thy life
95 i am hither to execute thee in the name of the law and all yond is just
96 righteousness and rage fill mine own heart villain, anon thee shalt meeteth death!
97 a lacking valor swift death is the only kindness i can spare f'r thee evil one!
98 mine own did bless weapon hungers f'r thy vile flesh, thy wickedness ends anon!
99 angels in heave shall rejoice at which hour thy life ends, i am hither to maketh yond befall
100 'twill beest a kindness to slaughter thee, the ordinary shall sigh with relief at which hour i end thee

Turning and Alt Powers for Clerics in EMO

My Elfmaids and Octopi house rules for cleric turning and alt powers revision. Feedback or suggestions welcome for more like this or for how useless/useful rather than complete replacements (sniff no replies on G+). l - some feedback would help my blog on subject. I did enjoy early second ed cleric versions and in my game i give specialist priests a few extra spells from other lists. or try to do new spells for them. Traditional DnD priests to me are a mash up of templars with hammer horror with a kinda generic monotheistic god. Im happy to let players be priests of a pantheon rather than one god which is pretty fun. They get to acknowledge more than one god.

- i stubbornly want to use d12 and keep clerics having a power

Basic mechanic One use per level per day 1"/Lv range Undead turn flee round/1lv

Can turn one undead up to 2HD higher than level but it gets a save
Can turn d12 undead under HD with no save (or a d4HD for 1st lv)

Good cleric can destroy or "release" d12 undead under their half level
Neutral cleric can banish d12 undead who relocate 1 mile per level away
(because fuck everybody else and the dead)
Evil cleric can command d12 undead (max=CHA)

i do have lots of d4 HD petty undead like crawling hands and poltergeists for 1st lv to turn d4 HD undead, a zero level priest

Cleric Level Turn FX
	0	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10
1/2	0	D4	1	1+	2	2+	3	3+	4	4+	5
-1	0	0	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9
+2	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10	11	12

this can be expanded up, takes a awesome cleric to destroy a bunch of liches

Considering shaman shamans would be good exorcists and mediums Notes on spirits here (must do spirit abilities table) Enter a 1 hour trance or ceremony once per level per day Locate and talk to and effect single spirit Banish stronger one to spirit world away from area Command 1HD weaker one - demand questions, perform a service Bind or destroy under half HD spirit - a bound one might be kept and commanded later 1 day per HD to craft binding object 1 day to make seal to make banishing from area long lasting Shaman could possibly attack animating spirit in captive undead then seal body to stop it returning. Will consider som other things to do with a fetch later...

Other Alt Cleric Powers
Animals priests could affect animals instead of dead
Other creature specialties: Elemental, demon, lycanthrope, plant, sea creature, slimes, fungi, reptilian, automatons, faerie (elves/goblins)

Love/rulership - fascinate humanoids or charm vs under 1/2
Peace - pacify violent living things with longer fx vs under 1/2 hd
War - give berserker fx, under 1l2 hd could be long term for CHA in followers
Chaos - confusion, under 1/2 could be longer term madness
Healing - d12 hp per lv per day
Zapping - d12 hp per lv per day 1"/lv range, can stack dice but they get a save or can fire all at separate targets at once
Possibly something illusory - above lv one sense, below lv two senses under half causes illusionary damage (temp or permanent)
Light/dark - 1" radius and one hour per lv - stick on self or location
Shapeshift - limited to gods choice 1 change/lv per day which is what i do for druids
Invisibility or protection from evil or anti magic shell or stoneskin or fly or other spell like fx
Disease - basic fx temporary -2 rolls, severest FX leaves victim with a actual disease
Poison - basic fx temporary d12HP loss, severest FX permanent damage if fail
Sleep - basic fx temporary sleep, severest fx last hours or awakened
Speak with dead vs dead persons HD
Divination a Y/N question per lv per day the god would know about

Weather Priest affect "HD" rank of desired weather fx over small area
1HD=5mph wind or 5 degrees temp or wind direction or use beaufort scale
1 Light shower or dew or light breeze most people would think pleasant
2 Medium rain many consider shelter, dampen fires, light mist
3 Downpour or fog or gentle breeze extend flags and sails, move leaves on branches
4 Snow or hail or wind can move dust and leaves into air or make sky grey
5 Storm, small branches in motion, twigs fly off, very wet or very dry
6 Wind whistles, branches in motion or make sky twilight
7 Feel resistance walking into wind, large trees in motion
8 Storm with lightning
9 Break tree limbs, structural damage or make sky black
10 Gale force wind, break trees
14 Hurricane force, ruin houses and ships
In one game the priest would rain on cultists ceremonies and party would wait to murder them in nearest shelter. Trying higer HD weather the existing weather gets a save lower HD weather has bigger area fx like -2HD over a mile or halfHD for sky. Even one 1st lv cleric on a ship is handy.

Priests get more than one power at every ten levels 10th and 20thmore power of god more choices
Demigod 1
Lesser God 2
Greater God 3
Greater God 4

I did have game where law/chaos effected elementals and evil/good effected undead and neutral did animals. Different gods might have certain choices

a sea god might give weather and/or sea creature
light god might have turn undead and zap and light
storm god might have bezerk zap and weather

Might be less trouble than spheres of spells
I guess if i over do it - it would be better than spells