Something hits me suddenly..


I'm no longer perfect.. not even in your eyes.
::Running away from delusions::

Someone analyzed that my brains can't stop working and keep thinking tru' layers and layers, deeper n deeper that its scary..
".. stop!.. just stop. and take 3 deep breaths!.. stop wking ur brains.."

What he din noe.. is that I hardly wk my brains haa.. most of the time.. I dun think.
Prolly cos I din dare to think.. din dare to let my brain wander too far.. cos I get a headache.. from all the issues my brains can concoct..
I guess I often think too much and too far.. a simple issue.. could led to countless results.. and I try to think them all out.. n often draw more n more lessons.. then it starts spreading and spreading like a spider's cobweb.. till even I lose track of all threads..
Hey.. I wish I can be simple.. but I'm rather complicated.. if you think you can't handle that.. probably stay far away fr me kae.

Often I have problem expressing all my thots.. prolly cos they are here n there.. plus I couldn't keep track of which part of that cobweb are they now.. once I'm deep in it.. Often I noe my reasons.. but wonder where to start explaining.. or how to..
Pretty exasperating actually.. frustrating..

I need to change that.. and I basically need to change my mindset..
I have been having this itch.. to change my lifestyle.. to change myself..
To improve. To change.
I have been improving these mths.. but not accelerated enough.
I noe my flaws.. and I noe they are not always there.. so I start wondering why have I become like that..
Then to unlearn them..
Failures are meant as lessons for us.. and I thank you, for your honest feedbacks. For punishing me for that too.
Sorry if I have hurt you. k, I have hurt you. I have screwed it up.. And I'm sorry. Is there another word for that? It has been a long torture for both of us..
I can so understand if you can't bring yourself to contact me further.. but this is not how I wish it would have been.

Hazie got to learn her lessons.. and take them in her stride.. like how she used to be able to.
Even rite now.. I'm drawing away.
There is so much I thot of blogging earlier on...the words of my intense feelings..
but I couldn't pen them down in the exact same words now.. blast my memory.. or is that a blessing in disguise? Nope.. guess not.
I'm rumbling on again.. :(

So much I wanted to blog abt.. which I haven..
I haven blog abt soccer.. movies.. wk.. etcetc..
Thanks though.. to those who have shown concern abt my emotional well-being.. appreciated that.. *hugs*

Played the game Cashflow today... First time in contact with that game.. and it was fun! esp. at the high speed it was being played.. I wanna do that again.

Career will be one of top few priority for now. along with improving myself.. again a quote from Mr. Scammer of Scams.. "..try improving a percent a day.. its not something you can change overnight.."
And Hazie is still learning how to be a good person.

"... sometimes I can see.. feel a sense of melancholy around you.."
"... you come across as someone who is positive.. open.."

There are just many sides to Hazie.. and Hazie haven been very happie..
But there are ppl out there who sincerely wish Hazie to be gay..
Hazie appreciates that.. and will remember to laugh..
to be chirpy..
to be sparkling..
to be happy.

Hazie wishes he will be happy too.
::Running away from delusions::

I'm sad... miserable.

I hate to breakdown.. but tt seems to happen rather often..
N I can't take too much sadness.. cos then I'll break down.. which explains y I like to slam the phone sometimes.. I noe thats selfish act.. n rude.. but bad experiences from last last r/s left shadows.. n some lessons..

I've shut my heart. maybe not completely..
.
.
.
But not completely open..

Will be leaving this blog soon.. or at least... wun be leaving my emotions here..
::Running away from delusions::

I miss you... :(

Will be heading to Malaysia soon..
To accompanying Dawnie.. n have some fun time I hope.. got to save save more..
Will soon be going on Scuba trip too.. heh. finally.. thanks to Jialong who can't make it for his slots..

Today? Resting day.. was so tired last nite.. I fell asleep while reading Sandman..
Apparently Mer and PeteLi reads Sandman too haa.. n Mer was so surprised when he saw me reading it... thot no one of my generation will be reading tt anymore.. n he is just touching 30! bleh..

Going back to da bk.. will have to meet Coco at 5.30..
::Running away from delusions::

Happie Birthday '06

|N.Y.D.C.|Roses fr. dear Ivy|Mudpies and complimentary cake|Cheesy Food|
Ivy and Chris|Pink Balloon Corsage(N.Y.D.C.)|Pressie from the Gers..|

Thanks Ivy babe n bf haa.. To find time for dinner even though you still have a paper :)

Luv ya~!
|Cam-whoring session at Crystal Jade Kitchen!~|
::Running away from delusions::

These are all cats up for adoption... They are sooo adorable!!
The middle cat is the most pitiful though.. cos Tigger has Feline Leukamia..

They say I’m "Special Needs" as I’ve been diagnosed with Feline Leukemia so it means that many people can’t take me home. But if YOU don’t have other cats or maybe you have a FELV+ cat already, I’d love to make your home my home. You say you don't have another cat but you want to be owned by a pair? Fear not! I’ve got a couple of FELV+ friends here at PAWS and I’d love to be adopted with one of them. I'm really friendly and sweet. Got all my shots and I've already been neutered. Sounds to me like I'm ready to go home! So? When are you coming to get me? I need you!

Its such a heart-rending post.. "..when are you coming to get me?"
::Running away from delusions::

Frens... jie meis.. hunks n babes. haa..
Click on these websites now.. and help me with my Johari and Nohari..
mil thanks :)
::Running away from delusions::

|George Bush in various falling positions|

Go to here.. and try throwing President George Bush ard.. haa.. pretty interesting positions that he could get into~ I tried letting him freefall too.. ;)
::Running away from delusions::

What an eventful day last nite haa..












::Went on my first trip to thebutterfactory (buttercup)last nite and I paid $20 to have some drink and to stay in their ladies.. yea.. the toilet.. haa.. Cos poor dawnie was so drunk... she's still conscious, just need to puke and not really in control..
She kept saying "..sorry hazie.. I'm so sorry.. " over and over again and when Silly ger... I am glad to be with you when u are down.. when is the last time you come to me when u are down? When is the last time I get to take care of u huh? *bish*

and the furniest part is dawnie asked me to recite XinJing to her haa.. can you imagine... in the toilet of a club reciting that? haa I lauff boy..

But poor tat.. haa.. got blamed by her for buying the drinks haa. and had to leave earlier wih us to send dawnie back.. he even had to abandon his frens later too cos a lil accident happened just before we parked under dawnie's block.. heh.. ::


::But we sorta got tt fixed for now.. haa.. just enough to hold hopefully till Tat can get the car to the workshop heh.. Guess he was feeling real shitty and sian.. Can understand haa.. cos I've been in that kinda situation several times b4.. bleh.
He's nice fren came all the way down from butter fac too.. Think I have seen him before and apparently he's fron Vjc.. so there.. ::


Went to the 24hrs coffee shop for food n drink afterwards.. guess we all needed to a break before heading home..
Shack.

Fong's bdae tmr! Haa too bad she's not wking today.. but got her a pig ha..
Two cakes today for Fong n Nani..
Today the mafia n gang wore brown.. and me too ha.. they r rather colour coded on some days :p
|Dawnie, Fong and mi outside Cine|Zach|Nani n Fong|


Dawnie @ Coffee Club~
::Running away from delusions::

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Acts of Service.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		9
Acts of Service:		7
Words of Affirmation:		6
Physical Touch:		5
Receiving Gifts:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 2.67

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality

According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as
Homosexual with some heterosexuality.

Complete set of results

Homosexual with some heterosexuality:		3
Heterosexual:		2
Homosexual:		2
Concurrent bisexual:		1
Asexual:		0
Heterosexual with some homosexuality:		0
Past heterosexual, currently homosexual:		0
Past homosexual, currently heterosexual:		0
Sequential bisexual:		0

Information

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was devised by Larry Kurdek, B. Berkey and T. Perelman-Hall. It is an extension of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, recognising that sexual identities can change over time, people can identify with more than one sexual identity, and that asexuality is a valid sexual identity. The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was published in the "Journal of Homosexuality" in 1990.

Take the quiz
::Running away from delusions::

Never will I get to experience the love and bonding between siblings..
*sigh*
::Running away from delusions::

I am craving for Polar's Sugar and Strawberry rolls!! and seaweed!..
Was craving for seaweed so much last nite I bought a pack from the Korean store at B1 of Cine even though its price is exorbitant.

I want to go Sydney alone..
Wonder how it would be like to go to a foreign country alone and to live there like for a month..
Guess experiences and emotions will be very different..
N always thot to fully experience a foreign place.. u got to stay there up to at least a mth.. there are so many lil things to be explored and hate to go for hols whereby you have to rush through as much as possible due to time contraint..
Hard to arrange for these opportunities though.. esp. living in Sg..u got to wk .. wk and wk. Hardly get time off not to mention a whole mth of leave haa.. unless.. I run my own biz.. or do tt well enough..
definitely will make time for trips like tt if situation permits.
::Running away from delusions::

6 entries found for repressed.

re·press P Pronunciation Key (r-prs)
v. re·pressed, re·press·ing, re·press·es
v. tr.
1. To hold back by an act of volition: couldn't repress a smirk.
2. To put down by force, usually before total control has been lost; quell: repress a rebellion.
3. Psychology. To exclude (painful or disturbing memories, for example) automatically or unconsciously from the conscious mind.
4. Biology. To block (transcription of a gene) by combination of a protein to an operator gene.

"... felt that there are many people who probably dont understand you as you dont blend in easily and yet succeed in doing so over the years... kind of like a successful closet gay."
::Running away from delusions::

Typical civil servants have stable pay. They work half day and plan the other half how to burn the afternoon, they go tours, they attend company functions and complete health run organised by family day committee, they make out with instructional manual. When retired, own a condo and a car. But what they lose is the captain of their souls and the master of their destiny. Small price to pay if you are not ambitious, hungry and clever. Perfect for balls barriers and those who speak and write "engrand" well.
::Running away from delusions::

Learnt that there are 5 kinds of lesbians yday..
A::Active ~ The kind that looks like normal ger.. but the more active in seeking partners.. dun bind one
B::Butch ~ Fong's kind.. bind and looks man
P::Passive ~ Like Butches :)
PL::Pure les ~ Dressed like normal demure gers who also like demure gers.. n only girly gers... Heard this kind most player.. just like how most gays keep changing partners..
Damn can't remember the last.. is it T::Tomboy ~ Rather asexual but just dressed like boys and dun bind.

K heading to wk soon le.. :( I'm procrastinating though I'm hearing thunder outside ... cos I really dun feel like wking today :(.. shld I just dun go?.. That will be bad huh.. yea.. can't damn. y do I have to wk today..
::Running away from delusions::