Saw Mitch earlier on at AS7.. I'm still here though.. erm think me changing my blogsite soon.. will update just a few frens ba... dun really like the idea of ppl who dun bother or care abt me to read my life haa..
Dawn is back to blogging~ ya ho... check out her site... nice nice :) found that template for her n her face haa..
Eh... daniel just came in... ~hi.
Oh well there is this yandao guy whom I have bump into more then once earlier on when I'm queueing to print my stuff.. n think he recognise me too.. but dun get me wrong.. we dunno each other la.. just recognition... n he's a senior haa..cos i happen to took a glance at his matric card hee..
Oh ya ^be, he's the once that I pointed out to u while on bus 95 the other time.. *drool* haa.. he's not exactly that great... but those who noe me.. to be able to drool to is not bad le haa..
This is so crap n bimbo haa..

I am not a person capable of sprouting poems at the snap of fingers
I am not a person capable of expressing deep thots in simple words
I am not a person capable of showing emotions that may be raging tru' me
I am not a person with the knack to say things so philosophically
But appreciate those, who know me for who I am. Who may or may not be able to understand me fully. But accept me the whole package. Like me for who I am.

Anyway.. rite now a phone call just disturbed all my thots.. F***ing idiot!.. Got me so mad.. burning mad that I felt tears welling.. C wat I mean last time when I'm whining abt how my tears come too easily? Kao~ wat attitude n tone. someone better put him in place one day.. ya I do have faults but he's PR n EQ fail big time. Got to go. Someone just spoilt my day^
::Running away from delusions::

Talking to Bebe now at Dawnie's place... burr this wk will be the start of full run of school... Sian~.
::Running away from delusions::

Now at Dawnie's place... hee.. ya... maybe staying overnite here.. using her com cos mine down due to some software corruption? kao.. really feel like dumping my com n gettin a new one... burr.. no money sobs.. Anyway, let me update a bit.. er oh ya Chris came down sch on tues n weds... hee.. he actually pon work on tuesday for it.. cos he sian to wk.. so he was accompanying me for that two days.. n so sorrie... cos it wasn't exactly a fantastic experience haa... was bored hee..
Erm.. get to noe fr [portion removed due to secrecy n credibility ensuring] interested in me.. [portion removed due to secrecy n credibility ensuring] Bebe got a spot on leh... *applause* ok.. damn duh.
Friday... went to Tekong.. ya send him in.. first time there.. quite an experience la. cos no brothers for the opportunity to.. n really have to conc. not to cry? Surpressed a few times.. n in the auditorium I did tear a bit n have to turn a bit.. shift to the side.. cos in case mother sees :/.. N he's bad... thot the gals who teared funnie.. he ku(4) yi(4)one.. humph.. n i din tear in front of him lolz.. but I'm sad sad now.. *sob* Miss him badly.. n its only the 2nd day!! shit... dunno if I get to c him in 2 wks too? but at least I noe he gets to charge his hp hee.. so dun have to get him an extra batt.. can't get to c him though.. thats bad enough..think I'm too used to spending more time with him :(..

Guess I'm a gal who prefer securities.. not that I can't do without it but I will much prefer it. Thot its an impt part of a relationship.. haa.. he thot so too :D N has given me enough... or rather.. as much as he could ba..
Think he will be near to perfect if he's taller haa...
Oh Shawn stage msg me just.. after such a long period.. haa.. want to come down n fetch me for a DVD marathon.. n once again I turned him down hee.. yesh..I'm stubborn n persistent.. hoho..
Oh ya.. Bebe is really cute :) just could be more man.. so hopefully he will.. in time haa..

Hee.. buddy just msged me on MSN that his fren was interested in me asking for msn address.. haa.. cos apparently he saw me when he is with his gf.. N I can't recall who is that cos busy waving at his gf... n he finds me beautiful -_-"' huh.. haa

Oh me n dawnie concluded that Ziyi too smooth to feel secured.. haa but can c she giving him a lot of chances le hee... n think she's falling le wo? haa.. we shall c hee..
Wa Shawn is persistent today.. asked abt tmr le... -_-" ok now... attend to dawn hee..
::Running away from delusions::

Sad.. can't help but feel a bit disappointed.. ya I'm being illogical...  
::Running away from delusions::

Went back to Bendemeer after such a long time.. haa ya.. but to Ren Ci old aged home.. heard abt that place but first time there..
Went there to visit ^Be's grandma... was touched upon seeing how they communicate.. She din say much but could see from her eyes how happy she was n I'm sure ^Be was feeling very emotional then... The whole scene just threatened to bring tears to surface..
Once again I'm perplexed by how easily I can tear these days.

Am glad yet v guilty abt how much ^Be have to go tru.. cos of me.. yet he din complain.. not even once.. guess he's trying not to make me feel bad too..
::You have been really understanding... and I really appreciate how much u have suffered for me.. genuinely sorry for puttin you tru these..

Went for Bizcom chalet over at Aranda on sat.. turn out rate wasn't as high as expected but their enthu level is higher than wat I thot.. hmm. :) successful I'll have to say. Met a few seniors too.. n we have a bizcom cake!>. haa.. with the MC's faces there.. ^Be came down to meet me later that nite... hee.. nice hor.. but felt a bit bad cos can only accompany him for a couple of hrs..
The rest went wild wild wet the next day.. I left earlier.. din intend to go so wasn't prepared for it too.
Watched White Chicks haa... its real dumb but at least furnie.. erm first time she cooked for me.. hee.. a bit paiseh.. but at least she din turn me out haa..

Have been toying with a thot.. will it be better to be like wat Ken n Zixian is doing now... to perhaps start clearer n simplier.. just as frens knowing the liking exists.. esp. when situations dun seem very stable on the other side.. Just its bad timing to have this going on.. well.. it has been great but can't escape the fact that its not rite.. eh.. thots
::Running away from delusions::

Yday nite.. after Zouk/Phuture.. ^Be was talking to me on the phone.. told me quite a few things.. realisations.
Initially I'm just listening as a gd listener.. fren.
Even so, I felt pain for him. pangs
Till we touched on something rather directly related to me.. then confusions arises..
Anyway.. felt bad.. cos the following time when I met ^Be, which is 2 days later.. I din exactly show him a happy face.. cos couldn't adjust my emotions totally.

Dunno how much things have changed since that nite prior to National day. I'm not particularly in glee. However, am sure some changes have occured.. how is it gonna affect me.. us or whomeva.. I'm unsure. Just that it could be a bad thing.. or gd. Either way its not gonna be clear cut.. or not for now when I can't think of anything...

Just felt like holding ^Be n comforting him then. But not of personal issues.. cos they cut too close.
::Running away from delusions::

If u guys haven realised I can be so crap sometimes.. like wat I've posted the past few times haa.
Anyway.. was so pissed off once again by mummy.. humph.. dun wanna talk abt it.. sometimes she just dun get it how certain things can have effects that are rather negative..

Today had quite a scare from YZ.. felt so stalked.. anyway.. realised I din have much till dinner with Thomas earlier on at COCA Rest.. cos indochine having some function.. their aquadisiac opening.. ANyway. we went down after dinner.. cos ^Be working there too haa.. first time I c him at wk..
the music's gd. some kind of house.. haa n for someone who dun really fancy house.. its not bad le haa.. Heard the DJ was top ten in Germany.. They have a few belly dancers.. n We had free drinks... courtesy of ^Be.. n cos Indochine haa..

Yday was at Zouk/Phuture.. saw so many VJ mates there.. Teng Ren.. wah..still as charming. Nikki too.. erm she broke off with her bf.. who is over at Zouk too.. n tony plus Leon..++ They r dancing as a grp.. BTW, Tony is in NUS pageant.. erm haa.. really think its a pity that Reuben pulled out.. tsktsk. oh i met almost all the contestants.. whoa.. a few not bad.. charismatic for the 2 guys.. as for gals.. nice boobs.. haa. Tmr or rather later will be JamNHop.. not sure if I'm going down.. Y.. again is sch so far fr home.
Erm.. I may going for the ball.. but help.. dun think I have a decent gown!! shit.. n dun think I have the cash to spare.. burr.. will have to think of something real soon..

Haven been to piano lesson for quite sometime le.. damn.
::Running away from delusions::

Haa the KTV over at Malaysia.... CAN U BELIEVE IT? My melody.. fainTz..  
::Running away from delusions::

Tada.. presenting Justin.. Marketing Director of NUSSU.. hell of a gd marketeer.. Am not close to him.. thot he could be model quality if only he's taller.. fr the pic u shld noe he's not very tall but alrie for a Singaporean male..
Reason for intro him.. I'm trying to get him sign the Vanity Fair Contract now.. tru MSN.. burr.. haven hear fr Ken.. Kao.. he better be there for interview tmr!! 
::Running away from delusions::

Wanna see my current wallpaper?... haa.. by pingz again.. -luv- 

::Running away from delusions::

A photo exactly one year back... *nostagic*.. thought I was in complicated issues then.. looking back now.. ya they have passed.. n I'm in yet other complicating issues.. BurrR.. 
::Running away from delusions::

one of the LTs.. gonna start sch le.. n only realised I've 2 lectures n not one tmr haa.. damn its at 10.. which means I've to leave home rather early.. sobs..  
::Running away from delusions::

I want this... 40G one better still.. muAhaahAa ...
 
::Running away from delusions::

The 26th Management Committee... 
::Running away from delusions::

Charlotte's Web:: "The Crickets sang in the grasses. They sang the song of summer's ending, a sad, monotonous song. 'Summer is over and gone,' the sang. 'Over and gone, over and gone...'"
Sch starting tmr.. but not neccessary a bad thing..

I'm learning the you have to make time for what's important. You have to fight to carve little pieces of happiness out of your life, or the everyday emergencies will eat up everything.
::Running away from delusions::

quite a few frens have the flair for writing.. just read Ryan's blog.. whoa.. haa..
envious.. cos I may never be as gd.. though enough got fooled..

Was out with my "freshies" last nite..chilled at Fullerton. tried an Italian dessert wine. Played pool.. SY.. one of our best players expressed pleasant surprise that for a gal n someone who sorta just started playing I'm not bad haa.. even offered to have me as his first student if I'm serious abt it... I'm interested oh yes.. but dun think I'm that good.. look at the number of shots with my angle wrong.. was pointed out due to the way I hold my cue.
Thing is I'm sorta blocked by my chest..
nvm.. will have more chance to play when sch starts.. will go Ginza.. cheap n near sch. I was told.
The 4 of us went to an outdoor stall.. had bread.. n friendly gossips till 5plus.. P went his way.. the 3 of us another.. turns out SY stays at Braddell hill... bloody near where Jerry stays`.. cos I recognized the area.
Was bloody tired on way back.. but somehow can't get to sleep.. read Cerulean Sins till 9 b4 I decide I better get some rest. Was waken by a call at 3.. n finished reading the bk.. shit. I wish there is more..

Watched the firewks fr my kitchen windows.. Had a clear view of it..
Really nice this yr.. against the reddish black backdrop.. The colour r so much more vivid compared to the colours on tv.. Seeing them from such a distance forms a contrast.. the stillness outside the windows seems welcoming..
::Running away from delusions::

Just opted to stay home. In no conditions to go out.. true it may help a bit but its not enuff..
Waiting for serenity to hit in.
Hoping for serenity to hit soon..
::Running away from delusions::

This is too much.. jUst too much.
::Running away from delusions::

Today was actually an OK day.. thot it was better later... and even may be better later.. but some news just made me tear again..
I think I'm really such a loser.
Just can stand the thot(s)

Watched Village..
Played snooker for the first time...
Got a free ride....
Last nite.
Really got to noe how to appreciate..
I was told by my opponent I'm quite gd for a first-timer..
All ATMs r temporarily out of service..

Sometimes love makes you selfish,
Sometimes it makes you stupid.
Sometimes it reminds you why you love your guns.


::Running away from delusions::

Shit.. wat eva I've typed washed.. cos of stupid server.. burr. nvm. not gonna blog again. blah*
::Running away from delusions::

Beyond - 海阔天空
MtV nah... music.. Nice.. Like Beyond. can feel they emotions.
::Running away from delusions::

Burr.. just woke up hee.
Anyway.. vaguely remember having a dream.. somehow seated in a circle. ^Be was beside me.. n Vance in a very retro hairstyle somewhere across me haa.. those 50's 60's kinda hairstyle.. jsut can't rememebr wat the hell we doing. .. hee. Anyway could be cos I noe he's there at Zouk the other day having seen Kenneth. But haiya. din bum into him ho.. bum into ^Be though.
I love spending time with ^Be.. in fact.. was never really used to hanging out with a person often plus alone... I mean all the time la. When I'm with Vance.. erm usually we dun go out alone.. stay home yes of cos.. cosy times in front of tv.. but goign out.. usually will get frens to join us?.. shir n issac or kenneth gang.. etc.. come to think abt it, we watch very few movies haa. Thot that is the most common thing couples do hee.. n definitely not clubbing alone.. cos think he will find that weird?.. But back then I only club with him.. now with ^Be n occasionally pple fr sch. oh n a few times with ^Teddy.
but ^Be dun mind clubbing just with me.. think first time for both of us.. erm but din turn out to be just us la.. haa. frens came too.. so strictly speaking I haven club with just one person yet..
KenS love spending time with his gal.. just the two fo them more than with frens.. n they do that often:) he's jsut damn sweet haa.. Dawn will agree to that.
Been spending much time with just ^Be to start thinking that.. eh.. actually its real nice too haa... not the cosy cosy at home cos we dun really have the chance but enjoying each other's company outside. ;p

But last nite all her messages pricked.. like needles.. hai. I noe that may happen yet I want to noe.. wanna read.. Sometimes I really dun mind self-destructing..
Realised yet another thing.. that when I'm upset I am capable of doing things that may cause personal damage or hurt others.. its like the anguish that I felt will lash out.. cut myself more or those in the way.. to feel more pain in order to overwhelm the pang of sorrow.. Eee sounds real bad.. its nasty I guess.. I'm nasty.
Control control.. I'm always lacking the control I need.. damn.. dun want to regret much after that.

::Running away from delusions::

Tuesday, August 3, 2004
taurus horoscope

Your Tuesday Horoscope,
A commitment you make today must be considered permanent. Your passionate interests and desires of yesterday will seem to be meaningless relics of a distant past. Your personal evolution is occurring in a rapid manner.
::Running away from delusions::

I'm too easily affected.
Am I like that all the while?
Scary...

I get slightly affected when Clem din reply on MSN or when he did he din say ciaoz. Gosh.. n I've only known this guy for a wk?.. haa.. yes we have got close in a way.. click easily I wil say.. with our slacking n late nite chatting sessions.. but I shouldn't b affected that much with these silly stuff ya.. Guess its me.. I focus too much on little nugatory nothings.. Some like Vance will say I'm too sensitive.. haa... cos I can pick up minute vibes off people or see signification in slight body language.. even things that ppl do.
Kinda bad huh.
N worse I dunno how to express v well haa. kinda contradictory.

Oh well. should learn to be more laid back.. cut off my sensory radars.. haa. n let time reveal wat it has in store for me. Can't help wondering wat I'll be missing out though.burr..

Met up with 2 old frens.. *sighs* at how life has changed.. not neccessary bad.. just that u do miss some things.
Walked fr Toa Payoh to Upper Serangoon in the wee hrs last nite.. somewhere at Potong Pasir, we walked tru' this cloud of bats... haa.. tried raising voice to warn them off haa.. pretty freaky though.. cos there is this moment when one was flying straight at my direction.. hee.. I closed my eyes then.. so there.
Din managed to walk all the way to HOugang.. cos both of us r pretty tired.. a pity. Hopped on a cab.
Oh was watching I, robot prior to that.. Luv Sunny,.. he's so pretty.. his features.. his wink ;P The part where he's supposed to be terminate was rather saddening. cos he is such an emotional robot...

I'm gettin pretty emotional myself.
Esp on Fri n sat. Haven feel that level of intensity when anguish hits. The last time that it was even near was at Kat's place I suppose. N when the whole misunderstanding was clear.. it seems rather silly.. burr.
But I've been taught of certains things from this incident..
Kudos.~ ha..
::Running away from delusions::