Oh my gosh .. haaa... I just laughed till I tear.. haa!! Cos of the Lion dance performance.. ha.. its the round yellow tuff of fur of a tail that kicks me haa.. the way it shakes to the drum n cymbals n the occasional bursts of vibrations.. haa.. god... it looks so soft that I just wish I can touch n caress it....

Erm have been kinda slacking these few days when I'm suppose to be hard selling the matric packs... instead of helping out the sales team, I've been slacking at the CFA stage haa.. watching all the performances.. dances etc.. haa.. Oh ya.. 2 days back of is it yday?.. was talking to a fren of Vance cos passing Centro tixs to him.. n he mentioned abt how obvious our differences r even back then.. haa the level of maturity just doesn't match according to him.. guess it not entirely due to maturity but views n depth of perceptions.. haa n truth is.. till now. I still dun fully understand how different we have been.. -_+"' ya.. I noe.. Somethings wrong with me or I'm weird ha.

Haven been sleeping much these few days cos of Matric fair.. + have been gettin the closest to wat I can have of hall life ba.. at least for now cos been staying in sch at Raffles Hall.. erm. went Centro last nite... saw Jimmy Xantus Mark YP etc.. so now Jimmy noes abt the break up to hee.. n asked if Chris is my bf.. na. ohoh.. and so coincidental that b4 I reach Centro, the Chris fr my sch whom I thought looks like Chris ZK actually got to meet him.. cos of Chris II's fren who thot they looked alike too.. haa. then saw him at the bag deposit counter.. so called his name n explain y I've been eyeing him during Union Camp haa..
Anyway.. its FRESH prelaunch hee. music kinda weird.. but as for how Centro goes.. its not bad le ha. n first time I c Chris on stage.. wah.. nice nice.. haven seen those moves b4! hee.. later part cos of some silly stuff involving Hui Qing, kinda got affected.. I noe its silly.. childish u may say.. but fact is it still matters sometimes. N there aren't much choices for u.
But its part of misunderstanding.. on my part.. cos thot she's unhappy n perhaps want as much fr Chris. Just thot its kinda rude. To think I met Maggie too haa.. Chris' so-called jiemeis.. wat to do haa.. na.. they r not as bad la.. in fact rather friendly. Maggie more reserved.. HQ erm.. can be abit outta control I thought... but the guys r fun.. all of them haa.. erm no.. there is one.. whom is rather quiet.. the rest.. crap, fun, friendly, caring. hee the different descriptions for them. Anyway.. Jimmy n the rest left early.. haf wk ba.

Sometimes I do think I'm too impulsive.. throw silly tantrums.. like kinda too pampered.. yet dun think I'm being pampered much.. eh.. hmm.. Am I being too self-centered? but one thing for sure.. when I am affected I just do things as I like.. things that I may regret afterwards.. which I usually do.. n just let myself sink into my unhappiness.. THIS is damn bad trait ba.. not sure if spiteful is the rite word.. tsk tsk.

control control.. oh ya.. y I din c rash n Wyman last nite.. haa.. bluff me.. humph..
Ya kinda wish for a bit that I dun haf to be at the fair today.. too bad.. our timings not fitting. BooHoo...

::Running away from delusions::

Just reached ^troll's place... reason for such an eartly retreat is cos he's damn shag.. can c la.. he's like dying? haa Anyway.. I think I need my sleep too burr..
Oh ya... Anyone who wants Centro tix for this wed do contact me ya? having many free tix for grabs.. They r lauching their FRESH nites.. which means modern hip hop n RnB music. Cool huh.. finally got the clue that house n trance not that popular these days... Oh well free flow fr 9-11 too haa... for those who drink ya

Erm.. ^Rus massaged me today again.. anyway.. one of his msg caught me in some thots. He mentioned having complete trust in me.. i think more of faith too that no matter wat I will b able to settle.. n thats the reason he is attracted to me too... Y do I give pple the impression that I'm capable>?. its actually the same reason that got me somehow so deep involved with NUSSU n bizcom.. but truth is, I dun think I'm capable at all!!>.. okok.. i mean not very..
There r a few guys who likes me for a reason similar though haa.. not exactly flattering I thot.. haa..
Back to ^Rus, he actually cancelled his placing in Uni at i think US.. reason being its difficult to be aways fr loved ones.. I thot he's crazy. Ya.. he thot I wun believe him.. no one wil too haa.. offered to wait up with me too.. saying maybe he owes it to me fr previous life.. but not fated.. since i'm attached n dun like him.. Ya.. din told him I broke up with Vance.. Din want him to get any false hope,,

Getin rather cynical in life it seems.. haa.. cos when he mentioned be there for me always.. I thot no one is capable to promise that. ha.. so kinda have a pact to c 30 yrs down the road.. if that will be true. hee... somtimes I'm rather silly I thot.

Ok.. beta Zzz. ^troll shld be in dreamland.. hope he's able to sleep well tonite. Was nagging at me to rest early just now hee.. cos got to wake up at 6.30. Even though RH is so damn near MPSH II. Ohh.. was dead tired this morning.. reached the edge.. K.O.. haa.. but can't cos was at Tian Guo. Then afternoon spent online n feeling better.. din realised how tired I was again till Bebe asked me to rest at 5pm...
Sorri be.. for being annoyed n picking up a fuss.. abt the timing issue earlier on.. it is my fault for taking such a long time to pack n got things delayed till an hr plus later.. but glad that u have accompanied me.. hee.. n of cos all the time i wasted sulking yday..
seems like these days I get upset rather easily.. burr.. gotta take note.. okok off to bed.. ^troll started tossing n turning le.. ops.. i off all lights though.. so typing in semi-darkness.. pray he's not disturbed by the display lite.. ok will try to climb onto my own bed as silently now... Shhh.. *creep*
::Running away from delusions::

Just bathed. staying at RH tonite ba.
"Up to u. I made the effort le.." just dashed wateva mood left in me.
Sometimes I think I'm too headstrong. Stubborn..trait of Tuarus... Oh well.. we'll c. definitely can't say I'm not upset.. Haa been disturbed the whole day?.. just dun really understand myself ba.,. nit
::Running away from delusions::

Erm... realised a topic that I was discussing with ^troll has affected him.. erm.. ya its like hard to express for him ba.. so guessed if theres a chance.. will talk to me abt it.. burr.. kinda affected too haa.. Oh well..

Haa was crazy just now while taking orders for supper hee.. poor Eugene hee..
Erm... total of 5 laptops here haa.. n SonyE running on low batt le!!

Bebe din msg for a long long time le.. angry? dunno.. irritated?... maybe most prob happy playing mahjong with his "jie meis".. at one's house that outsiders r not welcome ;p haa.. ya not trying to be mean here. but amused.
Shit I didn't bring my contact lenses case n solution.. in fact.. I din bring anything in preparation for the stayover haa... ops.. nvm. shld be no prob gettin all that I need fr K.P.

I thot its always a blessing to be able to tell ppl how exactly u feel... ur thoughts n emotions..
Now waiting for ^troll to tell me y it could be bad? haa..
Signing off... "Where is supper!!!" :(
::Running away from delusions::

Was kinda disappointed with bebe... yet.. haa.. my reason is rather invalid ba.. nvm allows me to do wat maybe I should anyway.
Oh well.. still stuck in sch.. will be staying overnite.. most of them have rooms here.. think I am the only one along with Chee Sheng.. LS bunking with Eve since she can't check in yet.. however.. think I rather Ken P's room hee.. his roommate is not in n most impt its air-conditioned!! think the only one so hee.. but cos not just with him.. CS too ba.. but no fixed arrangement.. so still how later.. may not really sleep too yea? haa.. but they r setting up the power grid now.. n actually not much left to do..
Today is somewhat for bonding too hee.. I want my cup noodles supper later!!!! hee i got two of the Mac's The dog.. haa.. cos saw the green hood one on Jerry's bag today.. damn nice.. fancy the colour too hee.. so got one of that n another with a cute blue backpack hee.. courtesy of both Ken P n CS.. cos they r the ones who helped me buy yet refuse to accept $. Said as gifts.. lolZ.. the rest buying one themselves.. either for themselves or gfs haa.. else I would have got the other black with red baggie hee..

Erm.. everyone is asking me y "the world is kinda always unfair.." haa.. actually typed that for the fun of it while musing on something that time..
But.. its true too isn't it.. like u will realise that u dun always get wat u want or need.. but in a way.. maybe the world balances itself in its own ways.. haa.. like less of this but more of that?...
A fren commented.. added on::
thats y wheneva u get seomthing u want learn to appreciate it.. and if u dun get something u want,
u must think of those times when u do get wat u want haa.. this way.. u will feel better... haa n not complain. ya?

then on abt directions in life... how many of us r sure to feel lost at times one way or another.. but rite now not exactly in a desperate need of a direction.. so nvm.. one day I'm gonna wake up with a brillant idea of wat I wanna do hee.. ya.

Click here <-- for a wah commercial.. haa
N i kinda like this one for pepsi lovers :p

Now.. this is darn gd haa--> click click!
The Thong Hippo burr...
::Running away from delusions::

Quite coincidental, Alvin asked once again if I want to catch a movie.. since I've watched Spiderman.. was suggesting the one abt fast food eating.. cos I noe someone has watched it today anyway..haa suppose to make fast food a turn off.. haa.. not too much of a prob for me. So decided upon a later movie slot tonite since I have my photoshoot..

BUT
 
He just msged saying something cropped up n he got to stay in haa.. hee, felt real bad n suggested we pretend that we postponed tis date to a later date.. He suggested House of the Flying Daggers.. erm.. huh? haa no idea wat show is that.. anyway.. ciaos. if i want to make it for shoot on time.

::Running away from delusions::

男人不該讓女人流淚     

妳說我讓妳看不清楚  妳說妳害怕在愛中迷途    
捨不得妳哭　如果是我讓妳覺得無助    
讓我告訴你　我對這一切有多在乎  

＊如何證明我深情的吻    
才能呵護妳脆弱的靈魂    
我願用生命阻擋任何能傷害妳的人    
就算被冷漠　
就算罪犯我都不走  

＃喔　相信我　無悔無求    
我願為妳放棄所有    
男人不該讓女人流淚　
至少我盡力而為    
喔　相信我　別在閃躲    
我願陪妳直到最後    
男人不該讓女人流淚　
至少我盡力而為    
相信我

Felt like a fool... going on abt something which apparently wasn't really on Be's mind..
Realised the more I put in, the more affected I'll get.
This is not wat Be will like.. cos dun like to be troubled? Have I brought much fuss n irritation to you?.. I guess so., esp these days huh..

Will it reach a stage whereby I'm too bothered, couldn't stand the dull ache anymore.. n choose to stab personally, a more hurtful process but hopefully not that lasting... To struggle tru the turmoils n pain that come with forced shutting out..?

Else... stop the input.. distance myself more.. think that should help.. shouldn't be feeling that much.. or perhaps I just need to try harder. *nods*

 


::Running away from delusions::

Went Sentosa.. think today is the last day that I can really enjoy le.. wil b busy with mainly matric fair stuff 4 the next 2 wks.. Was peeling fr camp.. now.. haa.. cont' peeling.. went KTV after that. poor gal looked so tired but think by end of the 4hrs session.. we all are.
 
Darius fr NUSmac called.. to wk for Apple during Matricfair.. I was given priority cos he thought I could sell.. shit Have to inform him I can't now.. cos too much responsibilities to let down for matric.. damn.. missed so much money-earning opportunities cos of that.. esp when i really need the dough. Humph.. Apple pays well loh.. shit.
 
Oum... One announcement that I've missed making..
Teddy called on 160704.. erm actually its at 1 plus in the morning la.. we talked abit.. then he brought up how things r between us.. n decided to let go.. thought its fair for him myself. Think its the rite thing to do... I guess. There is still possibility for future but for now.. I've made a decision n at least less on my conscious now..
 
Something bothered me a bit today.. but managed to brush it aside.. sometimes I think I think too much haa.. n pessimistic.. yucks~. dun like that.
Oh felt emptiness when it's near time to go home.. burr.. dun exactly noe y.. but detest that lolz.. now better. Tired haa. willhaf to be in sch at 9. so think sleeping soon. Adios peeps..

::Running away from delusions::

LOve this template ::
:)haa.. oh well leave a msg or comments ..
Love the creator of the gal.. was browsing tru her other wks... fabulous.. haa.. enjoy surfing her site plus links.. way cool~ ;p
.Dun feel like going sch tmr..

 
Oh lost some links... hee.. do msg me ur blog's @!!
 

::Running away from delusions::

Yday.. got a bit of my voice back.. today improved too..
Missed Reuben's competition though.. tsk..
Anyway.. was supposed to go for a chalet but in the end not too convenient? n anyway.. Sian to go le.. no pt attending something that has someone not too happy or welcoming u. Understand his priorities.
Thing is I cancelled going esplanade with ZC!! burr.. Phil asked me down to ZenBar.. Liren for shopping..
Sorrie ZC.. think I disappointed him again.
 
Watch a Korean movie titled A Day..
Its a touching movie abt this cute couple who badly wanted a  baby.. tried for 3 yrs with help.. finaly conceived but was anencephaly... poor gal..Mother anguished.. father trying to be strong n born all the worries, showign a strong front for wife.
He's a super nice husband.. romantic at times. Real thoughtful and caring.
 
The ending part is real touching... they decided to let the baby go... to donate her parts.. whilst being unsure able that decision, it snowed... real awesome.. husband asked:: " can u hear the sound of the snow..":
This reminded me of Jeff... he once asked me the exact same qns... make me experience it.. *wistful smile*
Be it sincerely once or fooling ard... thank you. . for showing me new experiences with ur songs n thoughts.. moments u meant to share.
 
Had lychees few days back., longans n fresh cheeries yday... yummy.. wat delicacies hee.. ooh all bought fr pasar malam.. found out only yday too that they have the ding ding candy.. this one the traditional chewy kind that i like.. unlike those hard imitations haa. too bad its sold out today.. damn. think its last day le :(
 
Since camp and aftermath, realised perhaps I trust pple too easily.. but i always give the benefit of doubt.. at least once haa.
The world is going crazy.. !nsane~!!~
 
 
 
 

::Running away from delusions::

Haa.. ya.. was in the mood to fiddle ard a bit. n This is wat I've got haa.. rather far from wat I expect though haa.. Help peeps!!

How to fade the green n purple together? to blend, merge betteR?..
N haven thought of wat pic to place too haa.. comments pls :)

Now go track back my tagboard.. burr... flooble board to b exact :P

::Running away from delusions::

Every little thing mentioned.. thought.. seems to lead me thinking abt her.. N thinking abt her sux.. noe its giving tension to the relationship.. sure to affect it in a adverse way.. so how.. think I should try harder in suppressing my thoughts n emotions? to control better.?
Sorry for treating you the way I did for past few days. or even future times.. cos I can't guarantee that it wun happen again.. That I'm not exactly sure I can achieve that level of aloofness.

Being with you have always been fun. If not:: nice.. If not:: comfortable.. If not:: assuring..
but for a few times along with the happiness have been anguish.. ok torment. no no.. distress...
do think abt how u treat her.

Upon thinking much, I do wonder y I'm still ard.. lack of determination'>? cos I'm not ready to let all these go?.. Am I being selfish or not selfish enough?
::Running away from delusions::

Its terrible...
I feel terrible...
Suffocating...

Thats practically how I feel for past couple days ba.. 12/7/04 passed.. n wat am I still doing..

Got my real belated pressie fr Liren. a new collection fr Mango.. a lilac tube with a nice ncie ladybird n 3 diamond buttons.
Got a handwoven embiodery halter fr far east too.. din c freshbox though. n Argh.. I want that orange racer.
N next must have target.. Adidas sneakers. kaoz.. while stock last.. shit.
Been spending much on food.. i mean junk food.


::Running away from delusions::

Sorry

Sorry... I am really sorry.
我又一次把你氣哭在陌生街頭
愛你... 我當然愛你
自從第一眼到現在什至沒人敢預測的將來

請你相信不是我不願意改變我自已
而是一再努力又一再放棄那個軟弱的自已
其實我恨透了我自已沒有認輸的勇氣
讓你受盡了不安和委屈
你是我這一生這一生最最最害怕去傷害到的人
也是我這一生這一生唯一能讓我安定下來的人
雖然我并沒有并沒有并沒有一身溫純的靈魂
但是我很願意很願意做那個永遠照顧的人
我的愛人請聽我有顆不善言語的心
只能夠看著你遠處的背影

Tell me which exact parts are meant.. n which parts are not..
When I was asked that qns earlier on.. I thought how blissed u are again.. I wish I can contemplate less, brood over less... n be more oblivious.
::Running away from delusions::

I am locked out.. ya of my B521 room.. forgot to get my card key out.. n haf to wait for hqall admin to open b4 i can get access to my room.. damn.. I'm wo contacts n bra!~ Reminded last min that I'm ic for war games later... phew.. which means I wun get to be too dirty ya? haa.. this camp have been rather eventless I thought.. or rather not as exciting programmes... yet, it has been fun in a way... cos of the councillors who participated n cos of all the gimmicks happening ard haa.. many familiar faces.
More cover looks fr the councillors than freshies though.. tsk... disappointing haa.. for the pageant la. haa..
So since I'm so free... decided to check on some stuff online with Eve's notebk.

Get to realise something... humans are selfish. Tried not to be.. but its not easy. I'm not sure if thats the right think to do in terms of emotions.. but when in doubts.. maybe stick to morals? Give the whole situation an unbiased analysis? To cut oneself off from feeling.. to be uninvolved.. to just be damn rational.. no influences fr heartohheart.. Heck what senses may throw at u afterwards. Be it minutes after the decision.. the day after the decision.. after the camp.. just got to deal with it as it comes?.. *dry lauff*
Guess its better to be in control when it comes then to b completely helpless... at least prepare myself for it? Can't seems to think now.. numbing.dazed**

"if u haven't change when u love a person, u have never love that person before..." just read this fr a fren's blog.. erm true true.. u do make sacrifices n change when U love someone.. however.. I have this fear for changing a person i love.. for fear that stress n unhappiness come along with the changes.. fear that these negatives are gonna affect the relationship.. even if they have been done willingly..even if they are vices that u r trying to change. The Risk of changes.
Will there eva be a day that I can find someone just perfect for me?.. molded flawlessly to suit so that no changes r required.. n both will be happy? If there eva is..we would have all waited for him/her.

I simply hope to have someone who you know that even when the world collapses, he will still be with you:: someone that I can trust, have faith in:: someone who will love me and only loves me...
If that is not gonna be possible... maybe I will be better off alone.
::Running away from delusions::

I wish I can think like bebe... or rather.. share his mentality.. then I will be more carefree wun I.. n less tuggings or whisperings haa.. hey.. its not that I'm miserable or sumthing but desiderate to possess his mindset haa.. at least for certain matters la.. though I understand it may not be a better option.. in fact could jolly well be a worse one.. still.. haa.. human's flaws.

Think there may be a stage that I will be incapable of handling all bothers n choose to bail... till then.. I'm not gonna think too much... escapism u may say..
I wish I have known him at a different time. under a diff circumstance. even if it means a diff name. a diff face. a diff ht & size. Haa.. but reckon that wun be happening.
Erm just rememeber I need to do that module preference thing..

Will be off for NUSSU camp on monday.. will miss all out there. But it wil b a hyper camp.. though with responsibilities.. n dance! sentosa., (tanning hiak~), n clubing on the last nite. (heard its music underground.. haven been there since it shifted.. pray its wun be techno all nite though.. haa Ken will be gee if so.)


Peeps.. thinking of changing my site name le.. so u guys wun be able to get me at hazeimiania.. I'm not that crazy abt haze,.. in fact trying to pry myself out fr it haa.

Mum is gd to me today.. decided to give up thinking wat she's up to.. time will tell ya.
I need to start looking younger boyz~.. oh.. was posted to holland v le.. n a colleague looks 20plus when she's actually 34.. married for 10 yrs haa.. a malay.. the secret is to be happy.. not to haf a single worry.. do wat u want.. be wat u want n eat wat u want haa.. haa sounds easy huh.. but that will haf to depend on ur environment too.. i wun want to do something just cos I'll be happi n hurt someone at the same time. It a blessing to be simple n stupid. Ok stupid sounds beastly.. how abt... brainless, dazed, deficient, dense, dim, dodo, doltish, dopy, dotterel, dull, dumb, dummy, foolish, futile, gullible, half-baked, half-witted, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, loser, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, naive, nonsensical, obtuse, pointless, puerile, rash, senseless, short-sighted, slow, sluggish, stolid, stupefied, thick, thickheaded, trivial, unintelligent, unthinking, witless...
Opz.. they r worse huh,. ignorant la.. thats the word..:P

Oh boyz.. just recall having some impt stuff to settle.. ciao peeps.. gonna run.~^^

::Running away from delusions::