winter's half gone and I haven't been doing much other than planning for my 21st. 
which was what I intended to dedicate this hols to, so it's fine.

but I started thinking bout how scary that I'm turning 21 and honestly talking with the helea people recently made me think ahead into the future. 21 isnt old but it isn't exactly young either. 

I'd be graduating in bout 2.5 years and that what even??? going into the workforce. wow.

it's funny how when we were young we thought 21 meant being an adult i.e. having your shit together and I'm turning 21 and I can't even decide on what modules I'm gonna be taking._.

uni's a wonder, it's puzzling how I can feel so so so lousy bout myself once I'm there, NUS kids got their results today and I'm really dreading checking mine?? it's like I feel like I have my shit together but then it doesn't always turn out that way, then again I can't say that I'm not made for studying cause I'd be wasting my parents' money, or my money actually.

started to do some simple sums with my aunt 2 weeks back, and came to the realization that I'd be in a $50k debt the moment I graduate (what even???????) but yeah, which I aim to repay in hopefully 5 years. HOPEFULLY. sometimes Singapore's so competitive I wonder if I can survive in the private sector, heading off overseas sounds so so tempting. if I'm cut out for that. 

on a lighter note, met up with helea peeps the past few days, makes me feel reaaaally thankful that they're still in my life. apart from being close to the pri sch gang, the next longest group of friends would be the helea peeps. met up with siowying and rachel and nua-ed around sy's house the whole day, just wanted to spend some time together cuz rach's gonna be flying off for exchange next week! with them it feels really comfy, don't have to find a random topic to talk about, silence is fine :') then met up with weiting ruizheng and mingquan, it's been a long time since the 4 of us met and it feels like nothing's changed, that feeling is the best thing ever :') truly blessed.

have been meeting other dhs friends as well, and although I've said this so many times, I think being in dhs is really one of the greatest blessings in my life, meeting so many genuine people and people who would make the effort to care for me and keep me in their lives. genuine people who don't make me feel like I'm a thorn and won't bat an eyelid when I request for help. 

attending Ms Sel's wedding in the midst of finals #yolo

fangirl moments ;) he's so so so so so friendly I cannot even.

and one more dhs person I'm thankful for is Eugenia, thank you for telling me that you're my dhs senior when we met through seag, and keeping this friendship till now, being the one in the entire seag circle that I can talk to about anything at all, I love how I'm pretty #nofilter around you and I don't know why you're so sweet but I'd gladly accept it :)

met up with F today, thankful that we managed to squeeze in a meal slot cause we're so horribly busy this hols, him so much more cause of his heavy committee load. at least mine's not stacking up so much this hols. but I'd probably suffer more during summer. Headed to the airport for a meal, been long since I went to the airport for fun LOL. 

also I think I overdid it with his iphone camera LOL

and on another lighter note, VIETNAM IN 3 DAYS WOOHOO. 
can still remember us counting down from 100 days LOL. 
oh but I haven't started packing #wheregottime 

post exams has been very very disheartening.

got myself more tangled up with emotional issues and responsibilities. 

honestly now I really hate being around my phone because phone = responsibilities

some problems from the past re-surfaced. led me to expose the weakest side of myself. 

really hope this will tide over soon. feeling so vulnerable, so bare.

further messed things up, pushed people away, threw chances out of the window.

I just want to have some time, to myself. to be myself. 

I had enough of people telling me what to do. I'm so done with this.


sometimes I wonder, what if I hadn't made that decision one year ago?
how would things be right now? 
would I be this upset at so many things now? 
it's a domino effect. I know it. 

maybe it's just me believing too much in horoscopes,
but I think Capricorns have this nature of upsetting themselves so so often.
every single day I key in those digits, only to remind myself of the pain.
or am I reminding myself never to make such a mistake again? 

原来你是我最想留住的幸运，原来我们和爱情曾经靠的那么近；
与你相遇好幸运，可我已失去为你泪流满面的权利。

부디 후회 없는 채로 두 눈 감을 수 있길.

痛。

很痛。

非常
非常
痛。


可是我够坚强。

unglam moments while studying snapchatted by le bff -rolls eyes-

so today I went over to qy's house to study, our usual weekend routine. was rather on task even though I was tired as hell #proudofmyself planned to finish my to do list and go ball with the guys around 815-830 until 10pm or so. 

so things went according to plan, I shut down my laptop just slightly before 815pm? but I kinda sensed that she was a little sad about some stuff. so I asked her if she wants to talk about it, she said no but I guess I probed her to. 

so we ended up having a htht but the weirdest thing was that the focus shifted from her to me, then I ended up in a monologue and I teared. feels kind of good to let it out but sigh, problems that can only be repeated over but not solved.

"idk. don't like to see you suffer quietly."

thankful for a best friend in you, no matter how much we bicker, disagree and annoy each other :') 

sometimes I wanna call you, but I know you won't be there.

^ this.
is me right now.

feeling majorly fked because I had a fall on Friday. even though it was on my side and my hip bone hurt a little after the fall (not anymore), I think the more serious thing is that it triggered the slipped disc again? I thought I was lucky cause I didnt fall on my butt but no, life doesnt work this way );

the pain doesnt feel like it's gonna go away very soon, so I finally got down to making an appointment after finals. major sigh. like 99.99% of me doesnt wanna go to the doctor's because well, I'm just afraid of being told I cant ball anymore. for real. 

but from now till finals end, it's just gonna be tape, salonpas and gritting my teeth to endure this. 12 days to go, come on Mel you can do this.

sometimes I wonder why I let ball be such a big part of my life. but, it already is, cant help it.

I wish you'd care more.

five days to finals.
fever.
fml.

just ended a grueling night of studying, time check 3.15 am.
I think it's nights like these that really make me appreciate being at home, because I can colonize both the dining table AND kitchen table to do my work. nowadays I really cannot comprehend why some people stay in hall through the weekends and all like ?!?!?!?! 
but it's because I'm really blessed with good weekends :') 

love it when I see my notes have so much add-ons. maybe this is how I convince (or deceive?) myself that I've been actually doing my work HAHA. 

surge of positivity today hope it lasts :)) end of y2s1 I'm nearly half done with uni??? 

went for lunch with mama today hopefully I haven't been neglecting her too much and won't do so in the next 2.5 years. thankful for all the love she showers upon me every weekend with super good food and fattening me up with bubble tea when I refuse to go out with her (because "need to study"). 

white sands actually has legit food outlets open ohmy I always thought the whole mall closed for renov but apparently they renovated part by part. 

really need to pick up on blessings along the way to keep the positivity moving. hate those days where I just feel hopeless and on the brink, shoooooooooooooo. really like how I'm feeling rn :))

happiest part of the night? KNOWING TMR'S SATURDAY :))) hasn't been too long since I met my favourites, considering that last Saturday we balled at night and then had supper, Monday I met them for brekkie before heading to school, then met them again after school for mookata and Tuesday we balled in the morning and had brekkie. is it I overly attached ); or rather, is it we all overly attached ); LOL. but I'm super excited to meet them tomorrow evening again! after mugging in the day that is.

and finally used my first S/U option of my uni life. 안녕~ (at least I can type/write really basic Korean w/o googling anymore heh) 

the pain in my body has been acting up quite a bit these days, been feeling a burning sensation in my knee since 2-3 days ago but I believe in 以毒攻毒 so I'm just gonna heck it and ball tomorrow until I really cannot take it. my anat prof mentioned how exercise can trigger an addiction like drugs can and I think I'm pretty much addicted to exercise. balled on Tuesday on an empty and the lactic acid build up was insane but I loved the aching feeling so damn much. really really makes me feel alive :) 

love how the guys are also just not caring about their injuries and just balling, okay that's not a good thing cause we'll all regret in the future. but we're all broken here and there it's a miracle we've not stopped balling on a weekly basis. amusing how I was telling Sibin bout all the injuries incurred this year and she went like "Walao y'all seriously一个两个 injured here injured there", "Seriously you guys need to chill", "You people don't update me about injuries at all" HAHA sounds like bin姐 alright. miss her omg cant wait till she comes back cant believe it's been one academic year for her already. making plans with her making me damn excited for girl time finally :') 

countdown: 21 days to winter, 42 days to Vietnam!

SO STOKED YES MEL LEGGO. 회이팅~

Sometimes you're not always the guilty party. Don't blame yourself all the time. Sometimes it's okay to blame others for once.

sometimes I just need this. so damn much.
it's amazing how people can just find the right words to put your feelings into place.
it'll be even more amazing if.....
sigh.

then, can it be this once that I blame you for all these? 
I'm really on the edge. just this once.

in two ways.

1. need to get my shit together. week 13's approaching. not even near being prepared for finals. need to set my priorities straight. know what I want to achieve.
2. need to decide if I'm still gonna hold on to that ideal within. or settle for something that might seem sub-par at this moment in time.

decisions.
whatever was I thinking when I couldn't wait to grow up?
really feeling on the brink.

很久很久以后我们才知道，

当一个女孩说她再也不理你

不是真的讨厌你。

而是

她很在乎你，

非常非常在乎你。

我听见雨滴落在青青草地

我听见远方下课钟声响起

可是我没有听见你的声音

认真呼唤我姓名

爱上你的时候还不懂感情

离别了才觉得刻骨铭心

为什么没有发现遇见了你

是生命最好的事情

也许当时忙着微笑和哭泣

忙着追逐天空中的流星

人理所当然的忘记

是谁风里雨里一直默默守护在原地

原来你是我最想留住的幸运

原来我们和爱情曾经靠的那么近

那为我对抗世界的决定

那陪我淋的雨

一幕幕都是你

一尘不染的真心

与你相遇好幸运

可我已失去为你泪流满面的权利

但愿在我看不到的天际

你张开了双翼

遇见你的注定

她会有多幸运

青春的段跌跌撞撞的旅行

拥有着后知后觉的美丽

来不及感谢是你给我勇气

让我能做回我自己

也许当时忙着微笑和哭泣

忙着追逐天空中的流星

人理所当然的忘记

是谁风里雨里一直默默守护在原地

原来你是我最想留住的幸运

原来我们和爱情曾经靠的那么近

那为我对抗世界的决定

那陪我淋的雨

一幕幕都是你

一尘不染的真心

与你相遇好幸运

可我已失去为你泪流满面的权利

但愿在我看不到的天际

你张开了双翼

遇见你的注定

她会有多幸运

FINALLY got myself to the cinema to watch this highly raved about movie last Friday. 

And the result? Having them intense feels even up till now. Oh and I cried pretty badly. I think this movie is generally thought to have similar vibes to 那些年 and/or 等一个人咖啡. But I think it's most similar to the Thai movie "Crazy Little Thing called Love" except that I watched that when I was half asleep and didn't have that much feels. 

It's been a long while since a movie could give me so much feels. And it's been a long while since I cried over a movie! -inserts thumbs up- Super glad that I ditched that #wheregottime thought and allocated some chill time for this show. And honestly this movie cannot be watched with people you aren't comfortable with especially if you think you'll cry. Great movie great company Mel is happy :) 

如果你真的喜欢一个人是不知不觉的。
那个晚上，我向流星许愿，希望他的愿望里，也有我。

她会有多幸运。

人理所当然会忘记，是谁风里雨里一直默默守护在原地。

Thank you guys, for making my week better every Saturday. 

For always giving me this comfort when I come home during the weekends, no matter how shitty things get in school or in hall. For listening to my endless bitching (or stories) but mostly the former. For allowing me to talk in the crudest way I do. For letting me eat as much as I want to even though y'all tell me that I'm fat. For bearing with my fangirling over Giroud every week despite you guys thinking he's a vase (but hey he's legit been scoring a lot okay). Just simply, for caring for me in the many ways you guys do even though y'all may not explicitly show it or whatsoever.

Sometimes I wonder how much difference would there be in my life if I didn't have you guys. 

I'm indefinitely blessed :')

Reminder to self to never take these gems for granted. 

Edit:

I do honestly think they take quite a lot of joy in annoying me though. hmph. 

nothing has really been going well this entire semester. frustrates me so much because I really am trying. school is just plain depressing I don't even have any idea where to start. been messing up mid-terms, nowhere near being ready for finals. sometimes I really have this huge urge to drop out. I'd honestly be a lot happier. 

and ^ tried to make it as light hearted as possible. It's hard to ball and deal with this at the same time, leading training when I'm not even being appreciated. and then I question why did I even take up captaincy again. Is hall stay really that important to me? why do I make myself so unhappy just because of hall? I just hate it when everything slams down on me. and when asked why am I still so insistent on balling even with this problem,

because it's the only thing that makes me feel alive.

so glad I saved this snap video from Saturday :)
fav people fav game fav day of the week. love how it feels like my troubles are non-existent whenever I'm with them.
aching all over but can't wait for this Saturday already!

edit: am also super thankful for Chinwei and Junyi for the weekday Skype sessions, thankful that they're always listening to me when I'm feeling frustrated and super duper touched that they called me at 1+am shortly after I tweeted about not being able to sleep cause of a disaster. I know y'all read my blog so. ya super appreciative of y'all lah okay. :))

34 days to finals;
44 days to winter break;
66 days to Vietnam.
C.A.N.N.O.T.W.A.I.T.

feeling like shit now because my ankle's hurting like a bitch ugh. wasn't even thinking much of it cause it was nothing but a minor twist and it normally doesn't hurt after a day. but to have to go to this extent, sigh, depressing );

all them emotions hitting in quite harshly because it's already week 9 and I can't even. like finals is 43 days away what the. training isn't even working out well, I'm really at an all time low when nothing's working out. and I probably wouldn't even be able to ball comfortably with this pig trotter up there.

my permanent injury doesn't even come in the way of my life so much, don't understand why a slight twist is making my emotions fluctuate like idek what. must be pms. just feel like crying every half an hour ugh what even.

feeling so incapable because I can't seem to handle the workload I've drowned myself in, questioning decisions after decisions I've made. I need to get a hold on myself, not let such things affect me so much.

just ended a nearly 5hr skype session with Chinwei and Junyi thanks to these two for being there on weekdays even tho I'm listening to their dota talk while doing work most of the time. honestly can't wait for Vietnam trip at the end of the year, doing quite a bit of the planning with them and I think it's one of the few things that make me feel more excited about time passing :) really so thankful for the gang on weekends, just playing ball, hanging out and talking about anything and everything, I think they're one of the greatest blessings I've had esp in these 2 years and I want them to stay for as long as possible.

don't even know how I ended up so depressed but well shit happens. time to get my shit together then.

感恩。

Nobody knows what kind of person someone will be in the future. Therefore, even though someone who is lower in position than me or even though someone doesn't have any power... We shouldn't ignore or hurt them. 

^ said by my favouritest guy ever. sometimes watching his vids when I'm feeling down really help :')

And if I were you, I'd just keep quiet. Observe. Don't be so affected seriously. Not worth the tears. Not worth the time. Just move on. Just do what you have to do. And don't act on impulse. Don't act on emotions ya. 

Not the way I always start my posts, but when there's 4 mid-terms in a week, I guess my brain temporarily doesn't wire the same way. Scrolling through some recent conversations, and I found this so unlike-me. Just some things I need to learn. It's amazing how there are people who understand me and say the things that hit straight at me. There were more provoking words in the middle that I can't share but even though I didn't explicitly say what I truly felt, I think it was amazing how you could see what I was truly upset about. I kind of think I don't appreciate you enough and sometimes the things I say to you and the way I say them, like my attitude isn't properly thought through. Really hope they don't get to you though. Need to learn to appreciate tough love a lot more.

시간이 흐르고 흘러 아주 먼 훗날 그 날엔

함께 되돌아볼 추억에 난 또 감사하겠지 

Edit: just some thoughts but not enough for me to start on a post. I think in the midst of me rushing through life, I need to always keep in mind that I'm loved. It's never in the form that I want, it doesn't instantly make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes love doesn't have to be screamed. It comes in my forms, and sometimes I just need to stop, and appreciate. Getting these emotions acting up real often these days, gotta stop taking things and people for granted. Just because I don't get what I want delivered on a silver plate, doesn't mean I'm not cared for, not appreciated. Just not in the way I want.

// 那天晚上满天星星，

平行时空下的约定

再一次相遇我会紧紧抱着你，
紧紧抱着你 //

Needa learn to keep my emotions in check. Needa let it out once in a while.

It's been a while since I just sat and bawled my eyes out. Perhaps I'm keeping too much pressure within. Sometimes I wonder why do I struggle so hard to get a piece of paper.

I'm trying my hardest to love. To learn. To open up. But at times like this when I'm at my weakest, I can't bring myself to love, to accept and to move on. It hurts. Badly. Unintentionally. But even with my entirety I'm unable to counter. I know that I'm loved, and doted on. And I appreciate that, even when I'm unable to love.

It's frustrating how you don't know the strength of your words to break me. Sometimes things don't always work your way. Sometimes just stop to think before you speak. Sometimes just... Put my feelings before yours.

I don't need reminders. Leave me be. Let me be stronger. But promise to be there to cushion my drowning spirit, to teach me how to love wholeheartedly, for I'm afraid of losing myself forever.

"Only when you can love the people who squandered away your happiness can you truly say that you're strong." 

// 再给我两分钟，

让我把记忆结成冰

记得你叫我忘了吧，
你说你会哭不是因为在乎。//

really dislike it when I talk to people and then I get emotionally affected for so long. but I guess it's not always just the talk which affects me.

sometimes it's not good to mull over things myself, I'm glad I talked it out to people who really care for me and listened to their input. altho I think their input made me sadder but it made me see things in a clearer light.

why would we even think of some issues when they supposedly arent even supposed to matter? some thoughts are meant to be reserved for when we get older, when our lives get carved out and we actually have to make these significant decisions. right now we just need to do what we are supposed to do, and not let the complications of life affect our priorities.

feels really good to be doted on :')
and at that moment, I promised myself that I wouldnt be a hypocrite.

很想你啊白痴。

Cant believe time really passes so quickly. It's been more than 2.5 years since you've left us. And yet sometimes I really still wonder why, and how you did it. Sometimes I hate you for it because hey, who said you could leave us all like that??

You'd have ORD-ed by now. When all the other guys are still serving NS. But I know you would be so encouraging to them, giving them good advice along the way. Thats what you've always been, a reliable buddy (:

I'm so sorry I wasnt as close during the secondary school days, and I really wish you could be with us when we are having so much fun nowadays. Though it's been so long, I havent really found a presence that felt like yours. I wish I was there when you really needed.

Especially right now, I wonder what you would have to say to me.

Some regrets are just meant to be sealed, and kept in the bottom of my heart.

Really missing you badly, my first friend in TNPS, one of my best buds.

// 꺼진 불꽃처럼

타들어가버린

너무 아프지만 이젠 널

추억이라 부를게 //

My Korean teacher played this song in class that day when we were learning body parts, never really stopped to appreciate Taeyang's songs fully but now I'm doing so :') 

no idea what I was thinking when I decided to take up 21AUs this sem. must've been too obsessed with the thought of a minor really omg. cant even SU shit if I'm going for a minor. but it's okay Mel, it's what you want. hang on to it.

havent even recorded down my events ever since HK. but one of the major things I had was FOC definitely. it was a really enriching experience, like it's totally different as a senior and especially in the main comm, the amount of effort we put in and the amount of sleep we get is really wowzxzxc. never regret joining this comm in my first year :') now it's time for more different experiences in hall!

cant believe one month of school has passed. well my school's routine is pretty similar. trainings once a week, trying to join more meals in hall. and oh, I'm starting to cultivate the breakfast habit. really like it when I wake up early enough and then head off to LWN to study in the morning because productivity really upz. 

so hmm, in this one month...

met up with le neighbour and Qihui for ball in week zero. which I overslept and the session was super duper nua like I have established that I absolutely cannot play ball between 10am-12noon. we nua-ed more than balled really. headed off for lunch at DTF and ice-cream at Haagen-Dazs because 1f1 :D 

went down town for BKT with le neighbour another time in week zero because I promised to have it with her when she came back fr Beijing. it was a super epic afternoon cause we legit went around City Hall hunting for SG50 logos cause we were damn bored. and I spammed on snapchat so many people last warning me LOL.

met up with Adeline too! missed this girl much, cant believe she didnt come back during the winter break seriously T.T had only a few skype sessions with her but damn thankful she makes the effort to stay in touch w my life even when I may get a lil too busy to get in touch w her :') one of those friendships you know distance will never destroy. 

spent the national day weekend with my favourites :)) love it when I nua weekends away with them. just playing fifa, playing cards, watching football and eating nonstop :B

caught up with my 38 NTU girls in week 2 so so so thankful for honest convos :') dhs is really home to the heart, I cannot dispute that. 

and not forgetting Simpsons supper hop mid-week2!

week 2's Saturday was spent nua-ing with the favs over soccer, Taiwan beer, cards and snacks :) 

OHANA <3

Sunday was spent supporting Mama at her first cook-off. really admire how my mum has such a great passion for cooking and baking and glad that she has an avenue to try and improve and join stuff like this. super duper proud of her :D 

week 3 was uhmmm. okay. I think. the only more interesting thing that happened was that I met Mrs Dayna Chia for brekkie on Thu :) so happy that she was able to take time out to catch up. seriously #dunmanhighfamily :') cant even rmb when was the last time I spoke to her, but thankful that shes always so amazingly encouraging and cute (animated more of) and such a joy to talk to. didnt even regret having to wake up so damn early for that meal :)

oh then there was Aly's 21st over the week3 weekend, on Saturday! 

havent seen this sexybitch in ages but so thankful she invited me to her party! got to catch up with many dunman peeps there too :B 

and this is a half clique photo with the birthday girl HAHAHA.

fun day fun night omg really missed them JC days so muchhhhh~~~

and week 4 hmm. went to NUS to nua with the bff on Thursday before surprising SY at her hall for her birthday with Rach! really think we succeeded in the surprise AND succeeded in making her think that we DGAF about her birthday. cause she admitted to feeling sad that we didnt seem to care at all HAHA. silly girl. 

nua-ed yesterday's evening to night away with the favourites again, ball, dinner and chill sesh :B always feeling so comfortable because they're the ones who'd listen to my ramblings non-stop and let me be as bitchy as I wanna. super love how I can talk with absolutely no filter and just share every single thing w them. so freaking blessed :')

my current desktop wallpaper. thank you guys, for loving me through all my insecurities, weaknesses and shortfalls. :')

week 5's up. need to get my shit together. 

and also loving how it's a 4 day week thanks to GE. super looking forward to the Dreamworks Animation exhibition with the 38 peeps :D