MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE (:

Hols have been craaaaaazy busy for me. Havent really stopped for a breather was so thankful that Chinwei asked to head out to town for Christmas atmosphere!

We went to Orchard Central for an early dinner first, because we met at ~430pm. 

had to split into 2 tables but dinner was still great, full of laughter all the time :B

Impromptu decision to surprise Darrel for his birthday which is on 27th! So our table went to prepare the cake while the other table brought him away! Surprise success yo! 

Us with the cake (which cant be seen LOLOL) :B

So the other guys actually brought him up to the roof garden of Orchard Central 几浪漫一下 wor so proud of them HAHA. Loved the view up there (: 

rooftop selfie (:

with the birthday boy (this was at Gardens by the Bay)! Happy Birthday meanass stop posing like you're a model hope you're having a whale of time in Taiwan making me jealous with all the noms I am so dying to try T.T one year older one year wiser so stop being so mean to me I will train harder and buck up on my ball skills and fitness for sureee just be more patient w me lah. but still, so thankful for ya :)

I think this photo is so amusing how we just all decided to photobomb Terence because he was acting like he's never seen the world #recruitlife LOLOL

and here he takes revenge by refusing to let us take a girls photo HMPH.

then he photobombs my OOTD omg last warning this guy :<

after manymanymany failed attempts to kick him outta my photo HAHA #OOTN rather :D

came across street musicians and decided to take a photo w them lovelovelove this photo so much ((:

train selfies next :D

super thankful for these two it'll be so different when they both head overseas for uni and I'll be left for the guys to bully mehhhh love yall so much <3

headed for GBTB because the bestie said the lights there were nicer!! no regrets heh. 

was so hard to take a DHS photo because everyone kept photobombing tskkkk.

with the two people who spent 6 years in DHS w me altho I was never thaaat close with yguys in DHS, still really thankful for these two 90pointers (sorry I burden if not we'll be really cool omg) :B 

I think I was more annoyed when I was photographing a photobomb-ed photo LOL keep having to retake.

my favouritest girl I really dk what I am going to do if I didnt have you <3 love you more than any words can say babe. 

selfie selfie selfie what's an outing without selfies :B 

this photo was so embarrassing because the driver was standing there waiting for me to be done w the photo AND THOSE IDIOTS DIDNT EVEN TELL ME OMG was dying of shame when I got off the cart. but that's what friends are for - stupid things HAHA.

group photos at GBTB~~~ :'') 

the beautiful lights really left such a warm feeling within, and it's also the company that made me so fuzzly inside :')

headed to MBS before home, and then what's Christmas without photos w a Christmas tree!! 

was really so hard to get a person to take a decent photo manzzzz. but glad we had it (;

our attempt to squeeze everyone into the deco, we succeeded only w a blur photo LOL.

with le bro (: thanks for taking all my mindless nonsense and not complaining and still humouring me even if I dont make any sense at all HAHA. 

the day out w them really made me feel so happy, relaxed and finally feeling like I took my mind off serious stuff and work and all (:

this photo is seriously prettzzz omg :') also reminds me of how the guys were such gems to carry our stuff for us because we had to hold our potential flying skirts on the bridge tsk fierce windd.

bunch of gems I would never ever let go of. I know I've made a mistake before but I'm glad I still have yguys. Wont ever make the same mistake ever again thanks for being my most confident forever <3 missing MARKIE WHO HAS BEEN MISSING IN ACTION FOR AGES COME BACK DUDE.

IHG is making me so crazily busy I hardly even have time for anything else~~~ 

on hockey day with Germzzz dont know anything just go down and whack the ball!

basketball's a lil more emotional tho. felt like I really let the team down singlehandedly. wont let that happen again!

met my teammies for a meal after a long while, really glad to see all of them again, laughing at everything and making my reading week a little more bearable than it would be!

this has to be one of the nicest photo we've ever taken omg :')

also, met my babes SY and Rachel to study midway through exams cause I could stand pulau NTU no longer. didnt confine myself for as long as I would have because I really needed a dose of home heh.

been awhile since we spent quality time together, really miss you girls~~~ 

 then took the chance to ask my fave peeps out for supper too!! :B

thanks for making me the happiest :') 

hall cooking midway through exam week 1 because our heads were exploding and we needed a break (: made risotto and it turned out really really great so happy :D 

headed out for the best jap food everrrr at teppei after the last paper :D
love this clique of mine so much :)

全家幅 :)

BBQ session with DOTA in lieu of Christmas! we're far fr full attendance but I'm really looking forward to see you guys soon at training :)) 

nua night with bff at home, made rainbow waffles with ice-cream instead of focusing on her research on UK unis opps. :P

once again, damn freaking thankful for ya :)

Sitting here in Crescent canteen... Dying from CM1031 yeah that's about what I'm doing now.

Supposed to be focused aren't I? But I guess shuffle in itunes decided to end my blogging hiatus. I hate this suffocation albeit bearing with it for so long. Should I blame songs for it? Or should I just blame myself? 

“Oh baby come to me, I'm waiting.

Let me hold you tight, don't let go, 

Bring it back when love's so good.” 

Are these words that I feel from the bottom of my heart? Probably. I feel so much pain deeply etched into me, making all the faith and hope seep out by the seconds. How I wish it was pain that was seeping out instead. 

But honestly, would I want you back? Probably not. I'm just so horribly kept within the whirl of memories that come and go as it pleases. What hurts me isn't anything else but the heart that clings on to the good times, the times I would do anything to relief. I though time would heal, I thought I could heal myself. But nope, what kinda healing potion did I think I had? 

It's almost a year and it's so ridiculous how I'm feeling rn. I thought I did everything within my means to heal, to move on, to grow. But I guess it was just what I thought I did. The past few days have been so painful I thought I couldn't hang in there any longer. Every night in my sleep, and even every nap I took in the daytime, scenarios kept appearing. Nope you didn't appear (thank goodness), but scenarios that I yearn for so terribly keep appearing. I could blame myself forever if it was in the daytime, but what was I supposed to do if it's attacking me even in my semi-conscious state? Was I supposed to go w/o sleep forever? 

I hate that you still mean so much to me when I probably don't even mean much to you any longer. I hate that I wasn't the one who moved on first. I hate that I still love so deeply. I hate that my heart and mind aren't even attempting to be in sync. 

“I remember the first time you took me by the hand, you said it was meant to be.”

Without a doubt, if anyone were to ask if there's someone in my heart, it'll be a yes. That's probably because you never left. I thought you were gone awhile ago, but that was because I attempted to replace you with someone else. Everyone was encouraging me to find someone to help me heal. But how would it ever be fair for anyone else? 

They said it would be easier if I didn't have any contact with you. That's why I haven't been contacting you in any way. But the pain keeps coming back, the walls keep crashing down. What am I supposed to do with all these feelings coming back again and again? You tweeted that day that “There's only do or don't. There's no such thing as try.” But boy you don't even know half of it. 

Sometimes I wonder if this is just a huge punishment and that the purpose of punishing me hasn't been realized yet. I wonder how long would it take for me to heal completely or even maybe partially  like 75% healing. Someone asked me that day, what part of you is over him already? Without a second of hesitation, I answered, 10%. Then what, is it gonna take me 10 years? 

Am I over you? 

Absolutely not.

Do I still think of you everyday?

Absolutely. 

RECESS WEEK.

I told myself I would blog when recess week started but it's just like me to give a million excuses for being lazy. or just admit that I'm being lazy. SO... I'm done with the first term of uni. I dont know what would be the best word to describe the first 7 weeks. probably... overwhelming.

academic life:
I dont think my attitude towards my studies has been up-ed by a whole lot, I'm still doing the same old skipping lectures (and NOT watching webcasts), honestly the webcasts are impossible once you let them accumulate. undone tutorials and what nots, what's new anyway. but my grades are still up to my satisfaction so I think I'll probably put in a little more effort in lectures, just not 830am ones. no way. but I'm gonna be convinced that this sem albeit heavy on AUs will be lighter on content and depth so if I wanna maintain my grades I better buck up next term.

social life:
I think I've been socializing a whole lot with my DHS friends whether in or out of NTU. been meeting up with the people who were gonna fly and of course my regulars. I haven't exactly went out with fac mates despite being closer to them than hall mates. perhaps because their outings are drinking ones and yeah, not my kinda thing. pretty content to have a bunch of people to go around with in school and to consult when things get rough. and also thankful to have Jerome to rotate physics tutorial attendance with me LOL. I guess when you get to uni you really just dont even see the point of tutorials at times. unless the TA is damn good (like inorg) or unless the TA takes attendance (like calculus) or unless the TA is chio (only for applies for the guys - for org), and my motivation for physics is reaaaaaally low since it's already a S/U module.

hall life:
ting moved out after week2 so I've been having a double room to myself, but no shit I think I'm going to go back on monday with a roomie in my room T.T family wise, I think I'm still quite detached from simpsons cause aiya, sometimes I really dont even have the strength to open my mouth to talk. like all my strength is used up when I dragged myself down from the 3rd level. but okay I promise to open my mouth more, and try harder. played mj some days w the simpsons people as well but it's been awhile since we last had it since everyone's busy mugging for mid-sems. and I kinda quit supper already, because I realized how fattening supper can get (not like I didnt know it before but yeah) and how much money I'm actually spending on supper T.T
increased my hall commitments by so much I dont know how am I gonna cope for the rest of the academic year but I guess I'll manage. and this is gonna train my discipline so much.
1. IHG is coming in mid dec. I'm in sports subcomm, under sports secs Favian and Germain and subcomm heads Kahwee and Ader, because I'm captaining the basketball girls this year (: thankful I've got a team up and is cooperative during training, their hard work is my motivation to train harder by myself during the weekends AND come up with more fun things during training to maintain their interest. so glad to have an efficient and decisive manager like Vivien and we are determined to pull basketball girls from tier3 up to tier2 and the quarters are our first target. oh and, I'm playing for netball and maaaaybe badminton as well if they really need people!
2. signed up for bizmag subcomm and just gonna do my fair share of work, dont really know what's my full job scope but I'll see along the way, hopefully it's gonna be a good term under Sherilyn and Liangwei!
3. OMC - orientation main comm :)))) this was probably one of my highlights in the first 7 weeks. main comm interviews sent me the chills because idk I have never been one to be confident in interviews, and I was so much more nervous for omc interview than for hall prod and uniqkids and I felt that I screwed up omc and not hall prod and uniqkids, but I still got into omc in the end :))) and yeah my 3 choices in order were omc hallprod uniqkids. so thankful for my co-chairs Alvin and Shereen, as well as my CPs Vivian and Yongkai :)
there arent many people I'd say I'm really thankful for in uni just yet, because trust issues and because it pays to be vigilant. but I'm really thankful for Germain, okay she counts as DHS friends but yeah, for being my same course same hall same block same level friend. even if everything goes out of hand I know Germz will definitely be my sane friend to hear me out and although you wont ever read this Germz, the reverse applies for you too :) and I'm also thankful to my secret xb clique (how ridiculous clique also must underground._.) especially the one who treats me so well, gave me a really sweet (literally) surprise and for all the random moments that catch me off guard but still make me really happy :) I think quality triumphs quantity so I'm pretty content w just these few people and they are people I seriously can just be myself around and they wouldnt judge me one bit (okay maybe they will, but I honestly cant be bothered if they do because I'm just comfy with them like that) ^^

havent been spending much quality time w my folks ever since uni started, cant wait for my students finish their exams so that maybe more of my weekends can be spent to just chill around w my folks and talk to them about anything at all. thankful that I've been able to be so open w them since this year. managed to snap a selfie with them today and since it's a really rare thing it's going up on my blog! one really good thing about staying in hall is that it makes me cherish time w my family so much more, and it made me a whole lot more expressive about my feelings for them I think I say "I miss(ed) you" to them on average about 20 times a week now. sometimes quite thankful I didnt go overseas LOL. but I'm not giving up the idea of masters in UCL (; I've gotta get there someday.

papa mama, I'm gonna make you so proud one day. I'm gonna make you able to show me off to the world, with the proudest look on your faces saying "that's my daughter". I'm going to do it. I promise (:

really grateful for le bestie as well (: did an IG dedication to her after she came down to my void deck at 1030pm last Sat when I needed her so badly, and chatted with me from when I was crying so hard till I couldnt even breathe or talk properly until I was laughing so hard. I know I'm hard to love and I get impatient and annoyingly irrational at times, but thank you for everything. and dont ever tell me you're not good at being a friend, insult yourself all you want but dont insult my choice and decision. it's really funny at times, I wonder how is qianyun my bff when she isnt the #1 person I tell everything to, we arent the kind who just go on and on about our days and whatnots, we havent even had a bff date out of tampines before and uhm we've been bffs for 10 years. but I know why after every long talk, it's just those talks that make you be completely transparent with all your feelings and bare your heart to the other party. and we really arent the kind who talk very well via texts, so talks when we meet are the bestttttt (: love you bff <3

also shoutout to my dearest psch friends who will always make the effort to meet up for suppers and just for catching up purposes. being w them always means happiness and happiness overload because I just go home feeling extremely blessed. old friends are definitely gold :')

SEA games leader also successful, time to learn some commitment because omc is going to conflict SEA games come next year, but well I love challenges and I'm absolutely ready to let this grow me further as a person (: 

till next time!

uni's been tiring and hall life is really draining altho most of the time I get myself into those things. but I guess all's part and parcel and they're gonna be worth the experience. clubbing isnt really my thing, I discovered. thankfully :) but I'm not denying that I'd like a couple of quiet drinks at a bar.

today, like every other fridays, I left hall for home, looking forward to meet my favouritest friends in the world. then suddenly Marcus said that he wasnt gonna shoot hoops at 6pm. and noone replied me when I asked are they still gonna play ball. so I succumbed to my fatigue and slept till 8pm. jio-ed supper and there was hardly any response. felt really really angst and upset because I was really looking forward to seeing them.

but somehow at 1030pm all of us gathered. arranged for a 1020pm meeting after like listing them out one by one, wah last warning these monkeys. but anyway, all of us (except for Terence) met for prata at 1030pm :) I really dont mind that it's like a 45min-1hr gathering, just sitting at the prata shop, chilling over drinks and prata. just the presence of these people make me feel the happiest :) there's no words to describe how I feel when I'm with them but it's really heartening that I have such amazing friends by my side and maybe this is how I am blessed :) spending minimal money, playing basketball together, sitting at the playground and talking, #kampunglife indeed :) open confession here: guys I really love y'all so damn much I never wanna lose y'all in my life :)

came home to a htht with the bro, first time in 19 years and it felt quite good to like know more about my bro that I never ever knew. although I still am bent on the fact that he screwed up himself but I think I dont resent him as much anymore. and I really hope that things will soon work out for him and he can lead a normal life and manage his own life without having to be bound to anything :)

and then had a late night talk with the bff, I know it's not easy for the both of us to maintain our friendship given the places we are at, but I guess our friendship has its foundation built such that no matter how much we annoy the shit out of each other, things will still fall back into place and we will still continue our love as bffs and this is what matters the most to me :) and I just wanna say that no matter what you do, know that I'm always here and I'll always support you to pursue whatever you do yeah. love you bff <3 

on a sidenote, hey you, I hope I'm not falling for you. but please stop making conversations so hard to maintain.

havent blogged in ages and I'm coming back with a picture spam LOL.

just did a mass transfer of pictures from my phone to my comp so yeah (;

random chill night with le bff at my place 

the night when chingz came over to watch the WC! 

haji lane with Xinyi (:

breakfast selfie with the favourites ^^
remember taking so many selfies because Markie was sucha fail and qy had to take over LOL. 

love this girl to bits <3 no matter how many times you annoy me a day you're still my fav girl ever <3
and yes, I'm damn gay. 

POP with recruits Jenghiang and Adrian!

MQ! one of my best buds (:

again with my favouritest people attend Darrel's POP!

recruit Siewwei!

we attempted the 那些年 pose, A for effort lah LOL.

lunch w the guys at soup spoon!

pizza date with ting and other friends!! :)

bumped into Kat at the driving centre and we decided to go for bux 1-f-1 and shop for hall stuff (:
great catchup with this babe ^^

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HALL CAMP:

Pre-SP date with Simps (:

our fav past-time, selfies!

and fish-eye lens photos LOL. love this fam of mine (:

triple SP dates at Sushi Tei ahhhh my love for jap food <3 *.*

late already still fooling around with the photo machine LOL.

below are selfies with the Simpsons members I caught, thankful for these batchmates and seniors who are so lovely <3 trying vvv hard to keep my eyes open in most photos it was almost 4AM when we took those photos HAHA.

Simpsons BBQ post camp Day1 :D

family photo at Yiyong's send-off (:

Simpsons freshies :))

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Today's 9th August - National Day.

Frankly speaking when I wokeup my mind immediately drifted to last year's National Day and ofc 8th August. Was passing by the Marine Parade estate yesterday and remembered how I met JH after CIP last year at Marine Parade then we went to Tampines Swimming Complex's gym and then to the T1 Ramen place for lunch. It's like nowadays I'm having the "one year ago we did this" and "one year ago we did that" thoughts, because I realized how little we dated last year that I remember them pretty clearly. And it donned on me that very soon there wouldn't be a one year ago, because we would have broken up for one year and more already. I also vividly remember how we ate 20 over plates of sushi at Sushi Express on National Day where we practically combined our lunch and dinner into one meal. And how we were so comfy watching the fireworks in the air-conditioned Arts Science Museum. 

Today I had a dream. I was taking a really long nap in front of the TV while it was on and when I wokeup I was really really creeped out. Apparently my mind did not rest because my dream was in total sync with whatever that was on TV. My brain actually processed whatever my ear could hear and twisted it into a concept that my mind could relate to. After so long, I'm still dreaming about you. You're already happy with someone else, and I should give you my blessings, which I am doing so. But I really dont understand how do all these thoughts still haunt me so strongly? It's just so so so scary that my mind runs in this way and I cant control it. I need time, but how much time does my mind really need? I have the will to stand back up and be strong once again, but if my sub-conscious mind keeps controlling my will then how can I ever break out of this? 

(Times like this I really really miss Ervin. He would know the right things to say...)

Unhappy thoughts aside, my mood was lifted with the time I spent with these lovelies today (: they've been friends I've kept since 2002, it's funny how I only gotten so super close to them after A Levels. Made me realize how I've been sorta taking them for granted all these years. So grateful that I've a chance to realize my mistake and put in the effort to keep them by my side now (: These people show me how friendships are maintained through effort and those who genuinely put in effort will always be here to stay. Cheers to you guys because you guys bring me the greatest amount of happiness with the most simplicity and show me what true friendship is about (: I was honestly very very touched when Darrel called me and then Cephas to help me find my keys, and then came out from his house to meet me and Cephas and then both of them walking me home together because it was dark already. Honestly, it's simple gestures like these that make my day (: 

#kamponglove #kampongfriends