Facing the music

Fast forward since we first met, it has been close to 6 years, we have been married for close to 3 years and I have just disappointed her. My wife.

She was my success.

She was my woman.

She had 2 kids for me.

She sacrificed so much for me, and not only have I not thanked her but I betrayed her trust, cheated her feelings and love. 

I’m ashamed of what I did, if how I indulged in chatting up with scores of woman online. I was trying to seek a different avenue of lust. 

I succumbed to the temptation and I got caught.

It has been a whirlwind of emotions for the past 24 hours. 

My wife screaming me to leave the house. She slapping me (which I totally deserved). Shouts of rage and frustration. Tears of anger. Tears of redemption.

She bores me two kids, breastfed my eldest boy for 18 months and am still expressing for my youngest every 3 hours. She still manages to work full-time, plays with my kids and listen to me rant about my work. She is a superwoman. She is the mother of my 2 kids. And the greatest love of my life.

I truly let her down, and also my kids. The thought of having  them grow up without a father figure and my wife raising them alone makes me hate myself so much. I will lose everything I worked so hard for. And to throw it away like that for just a few minutes of lust is just plain stupid and I deserve to be executed.

I hope she finds it in her to forgive me and to accept my wrongdoings and see past them.

My family has always been my constant source of motivation. I brag about them, I talk about them, and I love them to the death of me. I’ll do anything to win them back, to win my wife’s trust and love back.

As I speak, she is on the phone texting away, and I feel like a loser and a failure in life. She has approached a lawyer and upon hearing those words: my life crashed. It sunk in.

Tears rolled down and it hit me that I’m going to lose everything. 

She was the best thing that happened to me.

She accepted me for who I am, taught me to a better person, taught me generosity and humility, taught me to see things in a different perspective. She may be harsh and heavy in her words at times but they always bore meaning and a deep sense of truth. I hate to say this but she is always right.

She made me the man I am today.

She commands respect from my 2 kids.

She commands respect at her workplace.

Her friends adore her.

Her family and relatives loves her.

She places everyone priority and is the most self-less and kind-hearted girl. She deserves all the awards and accolades but she shrugs off the praises and compliments.

I am nothing without her.

I’m a wreck.

But I have not stopped fighting for her. I have not given up on myself and I hope she hasn’t. I have so much more to provide and to give to her. I’ll be a better husband, a better father. I’ll always remind myself of how much of a nightmare I have caused her. I’ll be everything I’m not.

I’ll stop using social media. 

I’ll stop indulging in mindless surfing of internet content.

I’ll watch my language and tone with ladies.

I’ll be patient and will not lose my temper with the boys.

I’ll place the needs of my family above mine or others.

I’ll meditate and self-reflect daily.

I’ll be thoughtful.

I’ll redeem myself.

Please forgive me babe.

I love you Peiru, with everything I got.

29th July 2020

A strange melancholy.

Is it really possible to miss someone you haven't met?

People used to fall in love through letters and some would travel from coast to coast to get married.
Online relationships prior to ever meeting in person are more, not less, true as they're undiluted by sex.
The way we feel about people we meet online is a far better and much more objective assessment.

People can develop incredibly strong feelings due to the intense mental/emotional bond that develops.
You share thoughts, hopes, and dreams with this long distance person that would usually scare the shit out of a person sitting across from you on a second date.

Feelings shouldn't be predicated on seeing someone face to face.
You just feel.
And she feels more than right.

Often feelings follow no logic but this is one of the rare times I let myself be vulnerable and irrational.
It's a strange yet kind of nice melancholy.
Life is strange indeed.
And so is fate.

Just 19 more days to go now.

hands down =D

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
this moment we share together
and the streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

=)

Walter Reed.

I count the cases piled up high
For the 1:15.
For platform and for passerby
It's the same routine.
I'm ranting while I’m raving,
There's nothing here worth saving.

Tell me now, what more do you need?
Take me to Walter Reed tonight.
Baby I've lost the will for fighting
Over everything.
Well there's a few things I gotta say
And make no mistake, I'm mad…
'Cause every good thing I've had
Abandoned me.

All I want to do is hide.
It's graduation day
And everything I learned inside
Didn't seem to pay.
I've had my fill of palm trees
And lighting up Grauman's Chinese.

Tell me now, what more do you need?
Take me to Walter Reed tonight.
Baby I've lost the will for fighting
Over everything
And there's a few things I gotta say.
Make no mistake, I'm mad.
'Cause every good thing I had
Abandoned me.

A sad and lonesome me.

I'm the walking wounded
And I'd say it to your face
But I can't find my place.

So tell me now, what more do you need?
Take me to Walter Reed tonight.
Baby I've lost the will for fighting
Over everything
And there's a few things I gotta say.
Make no mistake, I'm mad
'Cause every good thing I had
Abandoned me.

A sad and lonesome me.
A sad and lonesome me.
A sad and lonesome me.

aww females =)

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldnt drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned

peace out jessie =)

fallin' slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

life is callin'

the endless late nights.
the constant rushing home to meet raid timings.
the 'er no i gtg rush home' excuses
the neglection of my friends.
the missing of family lunches/dinners.
the lost of several friendships.
endless enjoyment over thumping keyboard keys.

thought i cld actually balance play n wow. but i was wrong. There are three problems that arise from WoW: the time it requires to do anything "important" is astounding, it gives people a false sense of accomplishment n ppl dun realise its juz a game, they wrap themselves up in a false sense of mixed emotions, no matter how much you care or want people to care, it always end up the other way.

The game also provides people with a false sense of security, accomplishment, and purpose. Anyone can be a superhero here if they have the time to put in. Not only that, a few times I've seen this breed the "rockstar" personality in people who have no confidence at all in real life. Don't get me wrong, building confidence is a good thing and something, if honed appropriately, the game can do very right. But in more than a few cases, very immature people with bad attitudes are catered to (even after insulting or degrading others "in public") because they are "better" than the rest. Usually this means they played a lot more and have better gear. I'd really hate to see how this "I'm better than you attitude" plays out in real life where it means jack how epic your loot is - when you say the wrong thing to the wrong person it's going to have repercussions and you can't just log out to avoid the effects of your actions.

And people put everything on the line for these accomplishments with which they associate much value. I know of children and spouses being forced to play and grind for their parents, threats of divorce, rampant neglect, failing grades in school, and thousands of dollars spent on "outsourcing" foreign help. For what, you ask? Honor. The desire to be the best for at least one week. To get the best loot in the game. What do these "heroes" receive? Why, cheers and accolades of course as they parade along in their new shiny gear... which is obsolete the first time they step into one of the premier instances. The accomplishment and sacrifice itself are meaningless a few days later. Then it's usually off to the races again. fuck me honestly.

The thing that kicked me in the ass more than anything else was I really cared if my guildies were getting what they wanted out of the experience. I truly thought my efforts would make them happy. I spent hours trying to re-create friendships that i was missing out in RL. hours trying to complete an instance in the hope of gettin to know my online friends better. I wanted to make a difference to them. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: I was trying to make up to wad i really lost in RL. i dun even know where to start to regain my foothold in my life.

I ran into one of my "real" friends and I'd hear "Hey, what's up, I haven't seen you in a while." I looked in the mirror and in a cinemaesque turn of events and a biblical moment of clarity, told myself "I haven't seen me in a while either." iz true. All the while, i was hiding this facade - moussie.

That did it. I wanted to do the things I wanted to do again and be with the people who appreciated me even if I abandoned them for a year as a friend. One of my friends said "your real friends like you even when you screw up." It's true. In the end, it got boring as I saw what getting really involved gets you...strong relationships with dysfunctional and stupid kids.Looking back, wow did some things right. I made several invaluable friends from it. Though ive never met them, they are as sincere as it can be. I came away from my little world, thinking i learned something, as much as you dont want to hurt in RL, WoW doesn't hurt. Ive used wow to get away from life's complication, it was wrong, and I really wished i spent more time with my RL friends now. Online friends are great, but RL friends > online people.

goodbye moussie, rest in peace.