"If I buried what my heart really longed for, then when my dreams didn't materialize, God wouldn't look bad, right? And maybe I wouldn't ache from a broken heart. 


Psalm 18:20-24 (the message)
God made my life complete
    when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
    he gave me a fresh start.
Now I’m alert to God’s ways;
    I don’t take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
    I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
    and I’m watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
    when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

Reminder to self: Open my heart to Him, allow Him to write my story, don't be afraid to dream.

~~~ Angela 12:03 AM

I reach out to You, hardly knowing what I need much of the time, but I know I need You to touch me and make me whole.
-adapted from Eugene Peterson, A Year with Jesus: Daily Reading and Meditations


Recently, I'm in another of those confused state. Not knowing what I want in life, in career, in dreams. Like, what life? What career? What dreams? Were there ever in the first place? What should I be pursuing, what should I be spending my energies n time on? I'm 30 this year. Gawd.

But somehow, I'm sure that all these seeking and questioning will lead me closer to Him. Bcoz who else but Him will understand, or can understand the deepest stirrings within me.

~~~ Angela 11:02 PM

IDT epilogue

It's silly, but I cried today.
Didn't think much of it as I gathered the girls for a final closing thanksgiving prayer. Standing in a circle, each prayed a prayer of thanksgiving. First Yona, then Wenping, and went it got to Yingyi, I started to be overwhelmed with emotions, n the tears came.
I thought about how truly this past 2 years have been about our personal journeys n growth in God, while it is really God's hand to bring us girls together as a group - supporting one another thru our seasons, transitions and extending genuine care to one another.
Charissa gave thanks for each individual in the group and my prayer started with, "My heart is filled with thankfulness."

Truly, the tests n exams we sat thru in each module were never meant to mean much. It doesn't measure our spirituality nor is a good reflection of our relationship with God. The journey of transformation matters way more than a paper and hearts touched thru authentic relationships more than rest time seemingly lost on Monday nights.

2 years have come n gone. Another chapter closed. God has proven faithful. I am so thankful :)

~~~ Angela 12:42 AM

"No more trainings with Billy"

Today, the coach himself said it. I can't say I'm happy, in fact, I'm kinda sad... Tho tough, I've enjoyed trainings and know fully that it is necessary and good for me to go through this.

"Our trainings end here. Now we go for the actual climb," he said.

As I reflect on this, I wonder... If Jesus comes to me suddenly and tells me that my training time here on earth is up, how will I feel? How will I react? Will I have the same sorta reluctance I felt today? Will I even not wanna go with Him, and cling on to the "comforts" of what I know of this world and in this world? Am I ready for the real thing? Have I readied n trained myself for the real thing of spending eternity with the holiest of holies?

May this KK climb be not only a strike off my bucket list, but a special spiritual experience every step of the way. Such that even after this week, my trainings whether physical, mental, or spiritual will continue with the end in mind. So that when Jesus comes or it's my time to go, I'll be ready.

I know I'll never be perfect because only He can make me so in the new kingdom, but at least I'd have  done my part preparing for that time :)

~~~ Angela 4:43 PM

Why does it feel like I'm the guinea pig of a failed experiment?

SIGH.

~~~ Angela 1:00 AM

driven by passion

~~~ Angela 12:21 AM

28岁的单身幸福

it is now august. think its the first time since i started blogging in '04 that i missed a birthday entry. well, bloggin certianly takes effort and time. n with all that's gg on in life, i'm just too lazy and other things take priority. nonetheless, i do recognise that my memories fade faster now and blogging abt certain thoughts and important events helps with recollection and also future retrospection.

i spent my 28th birthday with the love of my life - mummy. brunch at prive, keppel bay, shopping at vivo and ended off with a delicately sweet strawberry shortcake. she asked: 你今天开心吗？ i replied: 当然啦！我跟最爱我、最了解我的人在一起一整天，做我喜欢的事，怎么会不开心、不幸福呢？ it was only after replying that i realised the truth in wat i just said. its not that i was lying to mum. not at all! but sometimes u just reply wat comes to mind and only slightly later u weigh ur words... n i realised i was truly happy and 幸福.

i dont need a man to make me happy. i think i am more 幸福 with my mum. that's why my greatest fear is still to lose my mum one day bcoz i know i'll be so extremely lonely then. no one can ever replace her in my heart.

lately, i'm getting more confident that my singlehood days will end soon. (altho i'm still reluctant even to crystalise this thought here for fear that i am wrong.) don't get me wrong, there is no potential guy whom i'm dating or have gotten to know. no one, zilch. yet, i seem to know he'll appear soon. therefore, i'm really treasuring my singlehood now, even to a certain extent, unwilling to let go of this freedom. haha. i have really begun to see how singlehood is a gift and such a precious time when i can do so many things for God, and sadly i've taken so long to realise and smell the roses, or rather, jasmines which i prefer.

govan has moved on and is happily attached to a pretty girl living in the same town, same country. he has made their pic his profile pic. well, of coz i am bothered. in fact, i am upset. n i wished i could just blk him on fb but it's just not me n i believe with God's strength, i can overcome this. i was asking God, why do all my ex-bfs get attached so quickly with new chicks after our breakups? why does this same God, who loves me too, let them find their new love so soon? 难道神对我的爱不比他们多？NO. i refuse to believe the lies satan tries to mess me up with. Everyone has their unique paths to walk. God has his purposes for me, i am very sure :) now, i rest n enjoy my singlehood. Prayed a prayer of blessing for them, n continue with life, with work, with church, with chores, with family, with friendships and all that.

~~~ Angela 12:11 AM

Philippians 3:13-15 ESV

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you." What a timely reminder n revelation from the Lord himself.

~~~ Angela 11:08 PM

ACK Conference reflections

The ACK (A Certain Kind) Conference held by our church from 19-21 Apr was indeed a blessing and I just wanted to share abit on wat i learnt. The conference topic was: Knowing the Will of God.
This is certainly what every christian struggle with as we attempt to seek answers from God. Here are some pointers from our notes.

How can we really know the will of God?
Seeking God's guidance involves 7 important factors:
1) The revelation of God's word
- His will is never contrary to His word.
2) The submission of Prayer
- having the right posture and seeking Him through surrendered prayer
3) The counsel of Godly people
- advice from wise godly people/elders helps
4) The responsibility of Your decision
-  it is never God's will to shirk / run away from your existing responsibilities
5) The confirmation of Peace
- undeniable restedness in your decision
6) The confirmation of Circumstances
- God will align the circumstances to be favourable if it's His will
7) The purity of Motives
- are you seeking God's will just to endorse the plans you deem best?

Pastor gave the example of a man coming to tell him that he believes that it's God's will for him to move to do missions in China after his divorce. firstly, divorce is surely not God's will, but leaving that aside, moving to china instead of remaining here to father his young children is also surely not God's will.

This really struck a code within me and i understood finally why He didn't allow that relationship to work out. being with Govan and fantasizing of a life elsewhere is being irresponsible. haha, it sounds so simple rite now - like any idiot would have known so. yeah, i was that idiot.

sometimes i can't help but pity myself like why do i have to take on the responsibilities of taking care of my aging mum all alone even tho i'm neither the eldest child nor only child. yet it definitely feels like. n when i continue to work hard late into the nite, taking home a mediocre pay, the stresses of being the sole breadwinner does hit me from time to time.

the best thing about believing in Jesus is that we have a hope that cannot be taken away, so no matter how hard life at this side of eternity might become, we cling on to the hope that all things will be made new and perfect again at His second coming and we will live in eternal bliss with Him. 

Pastor challenged us at the end of the conference - Where you live determines How you live. Are you living in the Kingdom of God or the kingdom of this world?
We should all live with the Kingdom perspective.
Are you ready to surrender to God's plan for your life?

Don't worry because...



~~~ Angela 5:10 PM

an update into 2012

JAN'12: i was busy recuperating and getting well. bronchitis hit me hard. it was a miserable 1 month- fighting the illness, the inability, the weakness, n the devils within my mind messing up my emotions.

that done, it's been pretty eventful since my recovery. my capable supervisor tendered, meaning i'm much busier now, altho it doesn't read 'promotion' (=.=). mum n i spent CNY week in WA with my bro. n in the midst of it all, i secured a job transfer despite the politics involved ;)

with regards to church, i've been "promoted" to story-telling teacher for my nursery2 class, n was oddly appointed to be a disciple group leader in the weekly bible training class i've started to attend. so as u can see, i've been pretty busy....

but the emptiness of it all still does come back to haunt me n i get so emo sometimes.... sigh...

God does have His funny way of things tho. i was watching a tv program late last nite about some cambodia sulphuric acid victims survivors... n today my bible reading passage was Lev 13 about infectious skin diseases...

v45-46: The person with such an infectious disease must wear torn clothes, let his hair be unkempt, cover the lower part of his face and cry out, "Unclean! Unclean!" As long as he has the infection he remains unclean. He must live alone; he must live outside the camp.

There is indeed much to give thanks for, altho i hardly see it most days.
I am not unclean, I am not forsaken, I am not alone. --> More than enough for thanksgiving.

~~~ Angela 11:56 PM

Enough

The Lord spoke to me personally thru this song when i sought him in solitude as i prepared to lead my first activity in Elpidos Orphanage. i was so distracted initially by endless thoughts of "if only" n "it could have been". i was so crushed- watching the boys play futsal, being back in this place without him, being asked by the kids if i remember him, n seeing his best pal there instead of him. but truly, the Lord is MORE THAN ENOUGH for me. His grace is sufficient. He pulled me out of that self-pity vicious cycle as i clinged on to Him for more strength, more wisdom to deal with the various peronalities in my team, n more love for all the children despite my circumstances. Its all about Him, never about me. All these tears are worth it. All praise and Glory to the Lord!

Towards the end of the trip, the peace and joy i felt is indescribable. it's like- yes, i've done it. i've carried out His calling, i've served Him with all my heart. n it's all possible only because He has always been with me. He hears my cries, He sees to my needs. Thank You Father for this brokenness. Thank You for establishing the work of my hands. I know You're always mine.

~~~ Angela 11:29 PM

back to square one

within a span of less than 3 months, i went from "in a relationship" to "single". i was crying while driving home when i remembered that i haven't even managed to write diary entries about our time spent together while he was here in sg and we've broken up. i only completed day 1.

2 days and nites, i cried n wept n wept n broke down until i was quite lifeless. everything made me cry. just seeing an image of a guy riding a motorbike with a female pillion didn't just bring tears to my eyes, they flowed down my cheeks uncontrollably. i didn't even have the chance to ride his bike.

its so ironic that my last blog entry was abt him not disappointing me. now i'm back to square 1 - reminded of alll the disappointments all the men in my life were. i believed with all my heart that he was different. he convinced me he was. that's the danger of trust.

i guess the most painful and difficult thing abt love forsaken is knowing that he is no longer yours. his heart, his body, his mind, all that he did, all that he said will all eventually be for some other girl. where do all his promises go? what do they all mean now? n once again, i am hit by the meaninglessness of man's promises.

我错了。I confessed to God. for placing too much hope on 1 man.

there's never a good time for breakups, but this time is particularly bad, considering that i'll be leading a team n going back to the orphanage where we first met next week. during the course of last week, we still talked abt looking fwd to seeing each other again at the airport. how sudden...

seriously, i dun really know wat state i'm in now. i've stopped crying uncontrollably. i'm working hard on focusing on other things n occupying my mind. but i know there's still a bundle of emotions within... yet above all, i believe in God. despite the seemingly horrendous timing, i know He is always with me. He is sustaining me and He will make good outta this heartbreak. it's really not govan's fault. it's just not His will for this relationship to work out and i am learning to surrender to that. i knew it deep down somehow.

so please pray for me dear reader frens. thank you for ur support. i know i am so blessed to have many good caring frens.

i've postit-ed this verse to my monitor in office: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess 5:16-18."
at least i know i wont go wrong by being joyful, praying n giving thanks.

~~~ Angela 11:46 PM

expectations disappoint. period. i have learnt that time n time again thruout my life from all the people who come n go. people change, hearts change, circumstances change. i have learnt to place little or no expectations on pple, so that it won't be hurt.

i was upset the other nite, n quickly left the conversation. told myself not to expect any call, any sms, any response at all. but who am i kidding? there was a little bit of hope that there would be.
he didn't disappoint. despite being thousands of miles away, he knew, n told me he did. n that was all i really needed.

he'll finally be here!! in less than a week - i wanna shout it out! :)
a whirl of mixed emotions that i cant describe....... but i'll still like to blog abt this special event.

i re-read my jc autograph book just now. a fren wrote: “伸手摘星，未必如愿，但不会弄脏你的手。”

watever the outcome, we gave it a shot. i wanna believe that dreams do come true, i haf no regrets. it is all in His hands and i submit to His plans.

~~~ Angela 12:08 AM

How Can I Keep From Singing?

Habakkuk 3: 17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
I am loved by the King and it makes my heart wanna sing!

He is indeed my strength, and He will lead me to where He wants me to be.


~~~ Angela 11:47 PM

Thank You - Ray Boltz

At the end of Sunbeam meeting this afternoon, our in-charge played this video before her closing prayer. being the crybaby that i am, i was so moved... made me think - wat am i really living for? somehow these days, my career n job doesn't mean much to me anymore.

Isa 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

in her prayer, she prayed "if we don't tend our flocks, someone else will come n take them away." this really resonated within me. knowing the helplessness of little children, there's just so much need to teach n guide them to Jesus, n lay the foundational truths that can anchor them as they grow.

as mentioned during our church's Missions week: "the gospel is only good news if it gets there in time." i thank the Lord that my best fren has opened her heart to it :)

~~~ Angela 11:23 PM

About Me

The KING's princess
made to worship
wants to be like a fresh lily in a secluded valley by the crystal stream

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