I Don't Want to Be Here

Where to start… I am stressed out already. I’ve been back from Florida for a total of about 10 hours and already I’m feeling “the pressure”. The pressure to be good, the pressure to be thoughtful, the pressure to not let things slip through the cracks, the pressure not to disappoint, the pressure to get things done, the pressure to clean the house from top to bottom, the pressure to keep up with everything I need to keep up with, the pressure to keep my husband happy, the pressure to say the right things…

Life is too hard these days. Getting from A to B is difficult to do without aggravation. Why do people have to be so irritated and so disappointed all the time? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to one another? Go with the flow, let things slide, and not have to point out every single flaw? Be more forgiving and help each other out when they need it instead of being so selfish? Life is already such a struggle and then on top of it you have to deal with struggles within your own life/your own inner circle. Perhaps this is why people cut themselves off from the world – because they’ve just become so tired trying to be so … fucking perfect. Even when you try your hardest, or have the best intentions, someone somewhere is going to be irritated/pissed off/annoyed/disappointed.

So I guess I’m having one of those days…where here I am back in Toronto and thinking about how hectic it all is and wondering if I have the strength to do it…

Started the injections and I feel nauseated from the BCP’s…maybe that is why I am so upset today. Seems all this pre-crap never quite gets us anywhere. Maybe I’m depressed because I recognize that we’ve been down this path before and it leads to nothing but disappointment. I know this time that all the variables have changed, but still I can’t help but be terrified at the same time. Can I handle another BFN? I just don’t know…

The world seems stacked against, and well, having babies isn’t easy. Oh, haha that’s funny because how the hell would I know? You see? I can’t win. I guess when you can get pregnant easily you don’t have much time to ponder such things…you just go with the flow and I’m sure there’s worry there too, but when you have this much time, and this much disappointment, I guess its hard not to think that this too will be just as hard. I just wonder when things will become easier, lighter, less crowded and hectic…more calm. I just want to go to a log cabin in the mountains and sit there…and stare and let my brain go to mush.

Moving on now – got that off my chest and all I can do is hope tomorrow feels better.

Something's Gotta Give...

So last night I had the fright of my life. Chris calls me from upstairs to ask me if I'm burning food again...haha. (I don't really burn food - I think it happened once). Anyway, I said no, but then I stood up and all I could smell was smoke - like INTENSE smoke...like a house on fire kinda smoke...so I walk up the stairs to the kitchen and its overwhelming - like completely and utterly overwhelming and...I go into complete panic mode. I scream "OMG Chris - something's on fire!" He comes running down - he's checking the stove, the oven, he's running to the back of the house, down to the basement, back up - can't find anything but its getting stronger and stronger and so I think OMG its next door (we live in a semi-detached) so I open the back door and look to C & E's back window, but all I can see is orange lighting - and the blinds drawn but the orange is making me nervous...so I call them on the phone, but they aren't answering and the smell is getting more and more intense and as I walk back into the house from outside I realize it really is smoky. I run through the house and out the front to see if I can see what's happening over at C&E's through the front, and I ring the doorbell...nothing. I run back into our house, and think this is it...our lives are about to be ruined. There's FIRE IN THE WALLS somewhere and we can't find it and its about to bust through, and we're all going to lose everything. Our house, or belongings, our future...ruined. Then C&E are coming through the front door wondering what all the panic is - their house is fine - nothing going on - but they can smell it too - intense smoke...coming from somewhere...I am on the verge of a breakdown as the smell gets stronger and stronger I think to myself why is this happening? Why now? We'll be in the paper tomorrow...house fire - everything gone - lives ruined.

So continuing to try to find the source, and everyone's running around, Chris stabs the microwave oven button to open the door, and smoke billows out. It was the microwave...and it was my fault. He slams the door and swings around ready to tear a strip off me, but I think at that moment he realized just how totally shattered I was so he put his arm around me and said, "its ok babe...calm down...everything's fine." Poor E tried to have a conversation about the movie we had leant them, "American Gangster" but I felt like I had survived a plane crash. I wasn't ready for a "chit chat".

I had been heating a bean bag...the ones you throw around your neck for warmth or to ease muscle strain, and I must have mistakenly set the timer to 40:00 instead of 4:00...and walked away. The bag was on fire...and maybe had been for a while...not sure... I guess I relied on the "beep" of the microwave to tell me when it would be ready...and just forgot all about it. All of last night I felt sick to my stomach. I am so relieved that everything turned out ok, but at the same time, I am angry that things got this out of control. My brain is in detail overload mode...and is starting to shut down. I guess the universe decided it was about time for a wakeup call.

By the way...the clinic just called - MY PAP IS NORMAL!!!!!!! Thank god I can finally move on from that stressor. They will soon be delivered a gorgeous bouquet of fresh flowers...with a very special thank you.

So here's the issue: If they were unable to get me the pap results on Thursday, and then skirted the issue on Friday when I called, then I am of the opinion that the results are not being rushed for me. I don't quite know what to do at this point. I'm stuck between taking it day by day and going forward in the hopes that we will get the results soon, and having to reschedule everything. We leave for Florida on Saturday and I've to start the injections while I'm there...and the anti-biotics. Now if I start the drugs, and the test comes back abnormal, then I may have to wait a few months while my body settles down.

Oh you know what? I just figured it out - it just sortof came to me. Lets keep it simple. If its normal - we're a go. If its abnormal, then we would have had to stop everything anyway! I don't need my actual results, just a "normal/abnormal" verbal ...which I think they can get to me sooner. They actually said at the appointment, "if there's a problem the doctor will call within 2 weeks" ...so I guess at some point we can safely assume everything is ok.

THAT'S IT!

I'M GOING FOR IT BABY!!

Why the hell did it take me so long to come to that conclusion? I'LL TELL YOU WHY...because my house was a disaster. It affects me more than I like to admit. Yesterday I cleaned the house from top to bottom, while Chris finished the bathroom. Our bedroom was littered with levels and screws and hardware and tape measures and paint brushes and paint cans and tape and screwdrivers and toothbrushes and sandpaper and polyfiller...and now its gone, all gone. Aaaaah...house vacuumed and mopped...things put back in their spot...laundry done. I'm sure its the reason for my clarity. Valuable lesson of the day: Feeling out of control? Organize your house.

One MILLION Dollars...

Ok…so things are REALLY coming together…but everything hinges on one thing…the pap results. Without these results I shouldn’t start the injections, and without the results I really shouldn't book flights/hotels…because if the results come back abnormal (which, btw, has never happened) then I have to stop everything while we figure it out. Turns out the results take UP TO 6 WEEKS? Um, how does that work out since I’m supposed to be getting the transfer in less than 4? Math doesn’t work.

So…being ME, I decide there has to be a way. Wait shmait I’m going in for the kill…so I get the doctor’s office on the line. No, they cannot do anything for me. Beg beg, plead plead…nope…sorry. So I told her that I would pay her ONE MILLION DOLLARS if she could get me the results…please I am in such a bind here, could you please please see what you can do?? Longest silence ever, followed by a very snarky “call me in one hour!” click. (btw, I am not the slightest bit bothered by snarky at this point, however, I am a little concerned about my financial promise.)

So I call her back and she tells me that they are 6 weeks behind, BUT that she did explain the sitch to the lab coordinator…they have “put my swabs on a slide” (sorry for the visual) and she hopes to call me back today before 4. Its 3:30…

But then there’s that little rule called Murphy. Please be a normal pap…please please please… How much begging does a girl need to do?

Stay tuned…


Update: No call.

Rock on...

The Official Kickoff

Today as I was pulling on my woolly boots, whistling away, excited for the day, I was thinking about how I’ve officially started this new chapter - this exciting new chapter that might lead to the one thing I’ve been fighting for for the past 3 years. I have started the drug protocol, the rest is up to fate! Or science – however you wanna look at it. I stepped outside and took a deep breath of fresh morning air…and then choked on it. HOLY CRAP – minus 30??? It was so cold that when I breathed in, I could feel my nose hairs freezing…it’s a miracle that at some point along my walk to the streetcar I didn’t end up on my back with a tailbone injury. What is this place we live in? It’s uninhabitable for God’s sake!

So to recap…its damn cold here in Toronto, AND…we’ve officially started our donated embryo cycle!!! Hip hip!!

You hear only what you want to hear...

I trusted Lifequest...I thought they were the best. But I admit it now...we've been duped.

Or at least that's how it feels to have sunk our money into a clinic that could care less about us. Every time I have to call and speak to Sharon, the office manager, or "Witch" I wish I could call her, I get really nervous, like break-out-in-hives nervous. She is such a piece of work - her tone SUCKS...I always politely announce myself and she says nothing...I then ask her how she is..."ok" - expressionless. Never asks me how I am...the PAYING CUSTOMER. Makes me INSANE. They're all like that there.

The day I had my egg retrieval and Chris his sperm aspiration, we arrived at the clinic. We were herded around with no explanation...just expected to know what we were doing. We were beyond nervous - these procedures are not the slightest bit fun, especially for Chris, and for me I was already in a tremendous amount of pain due to the stimulation drugs. They gave us robes and a key. I came out and said "excuse me - what is this key for?" I can't remember what she said, but I remember the tone in her voice, and how she made me feel stupid. Chris went OFF! I mean, here we are half naked, vulnerable, nervous and being made to feel stupid?!?! I can't remember exactly what Chris said, but I remember being really glad he was there. Lets just say there were a lot of embarrassed faces...followed by some major butt kissing.

Dr. Sohn, our S.F. doctor called me at work today - he had actually called my cell, left a message, called me at home, left a message, and finally got me at work. He didn't get his secretary to get me on the line and wait for him (like Cadesky did) - he called me himself. He said he wanted to discuss two things: one, the donor consent issue; and two, the results of my latest SHG from Lifequest.

First - I am now confident the donor issue is ok...that we don't require the original egg donor's consent. Dr. Sohn said he escalated it to the UCSF University legal department and they did their due diligence. They are of the opinion that the embryos are the property of Leslie and Rob and that because the egg donor was completely anonymous (even to Rob and Leslie) she will never know the embryos went elsewhere. He said he completely understands my concerns, but he does not think it will become an issue.

Which brings us to my latest rant about Lifequest. This HSG test was done late December by Lifequest. I recall the doctor (standing in for Cadesky) saying "perfect! as expected!" I was proud of my girly bits for being cooperative for once. So Dr. Sohn says "I trust the doctor in Toronto went over your latest SHG results?" I said "well, no, but the doctor who did the procedure said "perfect!" and that was the end of it." He said "well, we should discuss the results then, because there WAS an abnormality." God! He probably thinks my doctor is an imbecile! I'M starting to think my doctor is an imbecile. He said that the test showed an abnormality in the uterus... I quickly knew he was referring to the septum I had removed a couple of years ago...I guess it has grown back (creepy). He said it wasn't a problem - he just wanted me to be aware of the issue...and that the results showed an abnormality. DR. SOHN WANTED ME TO KNOW...not Dr. Cadesky.

SHMUCK! Seriously where do they get off sending me away with abnormal tests results and not even letting me know??????

I'm glad to be done with Lifequest for good. I want to go and spread the word now...now that I have every test result and know I won't be going back. If Chris and I attempt another IVF it will be at a different clinic.

Maybe I'll crank call Sharon tomorrow...or send her poop in a box.

Brain Negotiates...

Ring ring

Aunt Flow: Hello?
Brain: Yes, hello? Hi, I'm looking for Aunt Flow?
Aunt Flow: (hesitates) Who wants to know?
Brain: Um...its Brain... Listen, I know this is awkward..."
Aunt Flow : Do you?
Brain: Yes, I understand there's been a few, ummm, incidents, but its been a rough few months, you have to understand.
Aunt Flow: You don't need to tell me what I should understand.
Brain: I know, I know...I'm sorry...its just that we kindof need you for the "project"...so if you wouldn't mind staying on track, we'd REALLY appreciate it.
Aunt Flow: No, I'm done.
Brain: (silence) Pardon?
Aunt Flow: I said I'm done - did I stutter?
Brain: No. (sigh) But what do you mean by "done".?
Aunt Flow: I mean done. As in DONE done.
Brain: Listen, could you PLEASE just come on time this month. I understand you've been ill treated, but again, you have to understand..."
Aunt Flow: Understand? I understand that every time I've come out for the past, like, 80 months, I've been treated like shit...yelled at, sworn at...sometimes there's fucking crying! CRYING for God's sake! I'm done.
Brain: Sigh. Come when you can then.
Aunt Flow: Not if I can help it.

Click.

The "Little Problem/Big Problem" Theory

Why do the things our parents tell us get LODGED in our heads forever, never to be forgotten? Dad has a theory - "Little problem/big problem." Last night I stared at the ceiling thinking about the original egg donor and how we "do not require consent" from her. At first they said we did, that even though Leslie and Rob were the true owners of the embryos, we would need to get the original donor/clinic to sign off. At the time this seemed like a total pain in the ass, but part of me was relieved to know that this would be dealt with - that doing this would ensure nothing would come back to haunt us. Asses covered. When they told me that they DIDN'T, in fact, require her to sign off, I was like "ok great!", but now I'm hesitating...I don't like it...don't like it one bit.

Little problem/big problem...see how this applies? I have just left another seemingly psycho message on poor Judi's voice mail about somehow writing the clinic and their client into a contract...you know? Or at least tell me why they now think that the donor consent isn't necessary - how did they come to this decision? ...because the "big problem" is something I don't ever want to deal with.

Little problem/big problem...words to live by.

Frozen in Time...

Is literally what our soon-to-be embies are...but only for a moment. It still baffles the mind and makes my throat tight when I think about the potential...of these scientific little embryos becoming life - real people with real personalities. I'm so excited.

Judi wrote me up a tentative schedule yesterday. She's the coordinator at the San Francisco lab where we'll be transferring 2 embryos. I had originally thought the drugs for an FET (frozen embryo transfer) took longer - much longer, and I was afraid my plan to be in San Francisco around mid-March would be set back a month or two, but as it turns out the timeline for an FET is very similar to that of a "fresh" cycle. Looks like transfer day will be March 24. I REALLY like that date I'm not exactly certain why...I'm sure its someone's birthday - someone I really like...or is it the first day of spring or something? I dunno but it has a nice ring to it.

Here's the schedge...please note there is no EGG RETRIEVAL date...for this I am forever grateful. If you have no idea what I'm talking about...trust me you don't want to know.

Day 2 of cycle - start BCP's (approx Feb 8)
Feb 27 - start Lupron - continue BCP's until Mar 2
Mar 2 - stop BCP's and wait for period
Mar 10 - start estrogen
Mar 19 - leave for S.F.!!
Mar 20 - u/s
Mar 24 - TRANSFER - SHUT UP!!
Mar 26 - return home

I can't WAIT for injections...see how demented I've become?

So you're probably wondering how this embryo adoption idea came to be... Well, lets go way back to when we started TTC (for all you newbies, that's "trying to conceive"). I started to wonder if I was having early pregnancy symptoms, "EPS", or commonly referred to in the biz as "IPS", "imaginary pregnancy symptoms", so I started searching the WWW in hopes of finding some glimmer of hope. It wasn't long before I was a regular of a site called Babysnark. I paid my $15 smacks and off I went - I could post questions, get feedback and support, as well as contribute to other posts/questions. This was for me. I had found my place! Until the moderator deleted an "inappropriate post" about a technique I described that increased the chances of becoming pregnant. Uuuuuuh...ok. That kinda pissed me off, and made me feel all porny, but whatever - I am not one to make waves. That same day a user emailed me privately to tell me that I had done nothing wrong and that the administrator was a little too... involved. I quickly discovered the Admin was a Scientologist, and that you would be struck from the records and booted out of camp for saying one negative thing about their God Tom. If you recall Mr. Cruise had gone a little nutty when he discovered his beloved Katie and it was all the talk...but not on Babysnark...nope. Don't "go there".

We started to get cranky with JoJo's rules and regulations, which basically robbed us of our right to an opinion, and started posting inappropriate messages in an attempt to rile her up. I know I know - real mature but it was so much fun! Well one by one we all got kicked off, but there was a sense of accomplishment that went along with it...like when you finally got that "access denied" screen, you thought well I'm out, but at least I went down in a blaze of glory. I told her exactly what I thought of her and her site, and we sparred for a while until she finally got fed up and barred me. This was aaaaaall ok though...because we had found "The Peach". The Peach was started by a couple of girls who wanted a similar TTC/Pregnancy forum where we could speak freely (and respectfully) on any number of issues...and we've been there ever since...I think I am going on 2 years now...

I'll tell you those days were exciting. Now it is a bit more calm cool and collected, and rarely is there any drama...although I wish for a bit from time to time...as IF (infertility) boredom gets the better of me...while life goes on for everyone else. I think I am one of a dying breed...everyone eventually gets pregnant.

So on any given day, approx. 50 women report in, share their experiences, stories of their fertility treatments, their successes, their failures, ask questions, and gossip about celebs. "Why does Britney have an English Accent?" Who knows but its funny! It didn't take long for us to be really tight. Peaches throughout the US and Canada meet as well...so there is a sense of it being a very legitimate place. There is no one on the site I have ever questioned as being 100% on the up and up...we are all there because we need the same thing. Support.

So making a short story long here, a poster named "Snit" and I had a very good cyber relationship, and she went through years of IF and eventually used donor eggs/husband's sperm to create their two little miracles. She was 45 when she got pregnant, and is loving every minute of it. It hasn't been easy for her and her husband, Rob. Sean and Nick were born very premature, and have had a bit of an uphill struggle since...but they are working it out, and are the most adorable little boys.

When Snit found out my 3rd IVF had failed, and that the follow up with the doc revealed possibly looking into donor eggs, the first words out of her mouth were "we'd happily donate our remaining embryos to you." I remember staring at the words with my heart pounding and my head racing. I didn't know if she was joking, something made me think she wasn't...and something about it seemed...right! I PM'd (personal messaged) Leslie immediately, who told me that it was actually her husband's idea and that she was 100% on board as well. She told me that they would support us in any way we needed, but they wanted us to have the embryos. I cried my eyes out that night - I could not believe the gift that had been offered to me... I then knew that being part of The Peach, was a very necessary part of this process...without the Peach, I wouldn't be on this path.

Fast Forward to Feb...

So here we are... You'll have to bear with me - I am brand new to this blogging business and don't know how to change the date on the original post...well I do, but I'm too lazy to bother. October was really today...which is Feb 1.

Work with me here people.